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stresse Offline OP
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Just some tidbits on my sit
M 9 T 17 dd 11 m 47 h 44
Ilybnilwy 3/21/2014
I want to remain freinds 3/21/2014
I cant live with you
We don't get along
Were headed for divorce
I'm DONE
Phone coaching started 3/23/2014



Link to my first thread. http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2440912#Post2440912

I want my husband back! Why sit and be angry and feel rejected for years at me not saying anything to me to let me know?
And why when I come to you wanting to improve our relationship does he say he's done?
Does that mean if I had just let things go on as they have for 3 years things wouldn't have gone from no pt to "i want a divorce?"
Why is he going out of his way to attack me , ignore me, and sabotage all efforts to win back his affections? I feel like I just want to die.


Me 47 H 44. DD 11. M 9 T 17. Bomb 3 21
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stresse Offline OP
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It's taking everything I have not to go to him and try to get him to agree to work on our marriage.
M 2005- T 17- dd 11- bomb 3-22-2014 -ilybnilwy -i still want to be friends - your not the woman I fell in love with - this is all your fault - i drink more because you make me want to drive my truck into a wall - i dread coming home after work - your not any fun - all you want to do is complain - IM DONE - I cant live with you anymore - you treat me horrible... Well you get the picture
We went away last weekend for our anniversary and after a terrific night together with no problems at all, he gets angry first thing in the morning at me for me telling him he should have woke me up before he got dressed to go down for breakfast and began ranting about being done, and our r is dead, how in his mind this weekend was going to show him if we can make our marriage work or not and I failed.
Almost immediately telling me I can have everything because he decided his happiness is more important than monetary things.
We have in my opinion gotten along fine prior to this past jan, but it lacked intimacy and I woke up one day and very badly wanted my husband back and started practicing db tech and spending time with him. I did all the things he liked, drank a beer with him (that never would have happened before my enlightenment) , initiated pt and intimacy , bought him event tickets and gifts, was staying up late with him even though I work extremely early in the a.m..
I told him I wanted our marriage back on track and ask him if he was willing which he said yes, and if he still loved me and he said yes again.
Things were great for a minute but he started calling me fake, and a butt kisser. Said he knows for a fact I will just go back to my old self so he isn't going to have his heart smashed again by me.
Than a few weeks into it he starts doing things to deliberately sabotage all my efforts like staying out all night with his phone turned off , saw his truck at the bar when I was worried and went looking for him at police station, but at closing time he still didn't come home. He flew in here acting mad at me saying he woke up in the Kroger parking lot and I make him so miserable that he'd rather sleep in his truck than come home. Mad at me?
A few nights after this he said he doesn't know if he wants to be married, doesn't believe in marriage. A few nights after that he tells me he is trying to get his feelings back for me that I killed long ago, and that our aniv weekend will make or break it. I told him that fixing our r is a process not an event, but he was adamant on us being alone together for the weekend will be a test if he wants to go on with me.
I guess when I thought we were ok but just lacking a intimacy, he felt I rejected him and hurt him and this went on for 3 years without me knowing how bad it was to him. Now he is saying I've treated him badly almost the whole marriage.
So I spent the last day of our aniv weekend with him getting so drunk he was acting crazy, and treating me terrible in between saying he loves me in between saying we dont get along in between saying he doesn't love me along with initiating sex.
I came home and locked myself in the bathroom and just let out all the tears i held back and laid down to rest only to wake up in a panic because I instantly knew he wanted a divorce. He built himself a man cave in the garage and stays out there until he goes to sleep, and has done this for a few years. I thought it was so he could watch what he wanted on the tv, be loud, smoke etc... He now calls me stupid and says it was to get away from me.
So I've had almost no contact since he dropped the bomb, and yes i at first cried, begged pleaded with him to give this more time. I ask him to give this a year and the best i got was " I'll try" but I know I wont make it two months. M
Help!!!
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Me 47 H 44. DD 11. M 9 T 17. Bomb 3 21


Me 47 H 44. DD 11. M 9 T 17. Bomb 3 21
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stresse Offline OP
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Update: I have been keeping busy by doing housework for two days and decided last night I would go out to the garage to fold some laundry and see what he would say , or how he was going to act with me there.
He pretty much ignored me, looked uncomfortable and i ask one question about a tv show and his response was mean and he said I am doing it again. (Talking nonstop and or questioning him to death)
I left him be after that, but feel worse now that I realize he meant what he said about not wanting to try anymore, and I've been in a panic all night and this morning.
He doesn't say goodbye, goodnight anymore, he doesn't call me pet names as he did just last week. My heart races all the time now , and when he comes home for work or comes to bed it's worse.
I cant stop thinking and dissecting all of what he has said to hurt me, trying to remember tiny bits that went unnoticed that says he doesn't want a divorce.
I feel sick inside and just don't understand why it has to be like this?
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Me 47 H 44. DD 11. M 9 T 17. Bomb 3 21


Me 47 H 44. DD 11. M 9 T 17. Bomb 3 21
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stresse Offline OP
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I just sent him an email stating that "i dont blame him for the way he feels and he is correct"
I also went out to buy the 5 languages of love but they didnt have it so I bought divorce busters, the divorce remedy and one other book for the time being.
I am not suppose to have another phone coaching till Monday but i set up for my second one today.
I guess IM panicking


Me 47 H 44. DD 11. M 9 T 17. Bomb 3 21
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stresse Offline OP
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Update;
I am having problems figuring out a few things about h behavior .

So if Im doing my 180's and one of my hardest things is not talking to him about our r, but I bite my lip all day and ask no questions about us, and come to a point where I want to thank him for taking me to the boot factory (he hates shopping) , and all I say is " thank you for taking me today, that is nice of you " .
And his response is " now are you going to drag it out , say it over and over again? This is what makes me angry at you. You never shut up"

What is he doing ? I wasn't doing anything except thanking him ( which I rarely do) . He continued all day to snap at me and tell me everything out of my mouth was stupid.
I feel he is deliberately sabotaging any effect to improve our sitch.

Also we are still sleeping in the same bed, and I've noticed he keeps his eyes shut during intimacy which I dont think he ever did before. And it's usually in the middle of the night after we both fell asleep or if he's had a lot to drink. If I say anything about it he says he was asleep and doesn't remember it? What is that about?


Me 47 H 44. DD 11. M 9 T 17. Bomb 3 21
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What is he doing ? I wasn't doing anything except thanking him ( which I rarely do) . He continued all day to snap at me and tell me everything out of my mouth was stupid.
I feel he is deliberately sabotaging any effect to improve our sitch.

You cant improve your sitch but you can improve yourself, you have to detach from his comments and start reinforcing your self steem, accept that he feels like this now and calmly learn to take care of yourself, basically if he approach you in that disrespectfull way and untill you are stronger, just walk away from those comments, youll get to a place where you will be able to tell him not to talk to you like that...
But its early and probably now if you respond to him you will loose it and say things you dont need to say, so just walk away from that and work on yourself, in learning how to validate and how to communicate your needs in a detach mood.

Look at this, when you started the R with him you would not tolearte that he talked to you like that right? What is so different now? Why now you want to accept that way of talking to you?

Breath, you are not gonna improve this in 2 weeks or 2 months, but now you need to detach from those harmfull situations for both of you....time will come when you are able to stand up for yourself from a loving place...


When the student its ready, the teacher will appear...
Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
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Stresse,

I'm so sorry that you find yourself here. I know your world has been turned upside down. I think it's great that you have a coach and are reading DR.

Back off. Focus on you. Your h will blame you for any and everything. I know you want to save your M (we all do). However, focus on making changes that make your life better with or without h.

No R talk. Why? Because you won't like the answers. They will only send you into a tailspin. The reality is that your M as you know it is done. Doesn't mean it can't be better. It takes time. A long time. Don't initiate talks. Be pleasant and busy. Live your life



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Originally Posted By: stresse
Update: I have been keeping busy by doing housework for two days and decided last night I would go out to the garage to fold some laundry and see what he would say , or how he was going to act with me there.
He pretty much ignored me, looked uncomfortable and i ask one question about a tv show and his response was mean and he said I am doing it again. (Talking nonstop and or questioning him to death)
I left him be after that, but feel worse now that I realize he meant what he said about not wanting to try anymore, and I've been in a panic all night and this morning.
He doesn't say goodbye, goodnight anymore, he doesn't call me pet names as he did just last week. My heart races all the time now , and when he comes home for work or comes to bed it's worse.
I cant stop thinking and dissecting all of what he has said to hurt me, trying to remember tiny bits that went unnoticed that says he doesn't want a divorce.
I feel sick inside and just don't understand why it has to be like this?
_________________________
Me 47 H 44. DD 11. M 9 T 17. Bomb 3 21
Hi Stresse, sorry you find yourself here. Keep posting I helps. please look for Sandi's 37 rules. there are adapted from the DR book, but pretty much say it all. The likely reason you got hurt in on this exchange was that you went out to the garage to fold Laundry to see what he'd say. basically, don't bother. he's not likely to say anything you'll want to hear. he's puling away from you for now. RETURN THE FAVOR. go out and find things that pique your interest. Create a life that you love whether he's in it or not.

It may not save your M, but it will save YOU. I'm finding that out now myself. smile 25YRSMLC has some amazing examples of the stuff she did to get her through the detachment process. its not about being mean or resentful. its about refocusing on yourself and anything YOU control. which is you, your health and to some degree your children's well being and health. good Luck. Keep writing. you're doing good!


me: 47, W:49
M 16.5 years
T 17 years
Three kids - D17,D14, S13
Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13
Bomb drop 11/29/13
W moved out 12/5/13
I Retained L 2/20/14
D filed 3/17/14
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I dont really know if he's a mlc or was, he did however indicate he was done with our "dead marriage" his words. And when pressed he said we wont last for 2 months so there was no reason to put off a divorce. He did tell me I can have everything and we would sell the house in same conv as he was bombing me last week.
But now he has simmered down, still very agitated and moody when around me, and continues to tell me periodically that we'll be right back to the brink of divorce if he were to believe in change. So he just simply is going about his business here at home, acting like things are ok and if we are in the same room, conv, or anything together he is cold and angry at me. But he still initiates phys contact in bed (but keeps his eyes shut) and acts like he was asleep the whole time. Like he is ashamed to admit he wanted to touch me.
I know- gal! No r talk! And in my case no questions or to much talk at all since it seems to push his buttons.
Thank you for the replies , I realize were all hurting and maybe soon I will lend support to some of your sitch


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I'm so sorry that you find yourself here. I know your going through a lot now but you need to detach.
Who's paying the price though for your husband behavior? You. By being so stressed out. And nothing's probably ever going to change if you don't detach and let him fight his own battle.

This isn't about who's right. This is about you taking care of yourself so you stop exhausting your energy and your happiness having the same go-rounds with him every time this situation comes up.

I do absolutely 100 percent agree that it is not fair to deal with someone's abuse, but at the same time, life is very tricky and complex. It's not like because we have a specific, very frustrating problem in a relationship, we then have to dump the entire thing.

My rule of thumb is this: If you're not getting enough out of the relationship? If your happiness ratio is less than 30% then yes, break up. But if there is more good than bad, and your gut tells you to stick it out, then here are some ways to cope.

DETACHING WITH LOVE:
Detaching with love means that you don’t stop caring, but that you take a few steps back, stop giving advice or getting angry, and focus on you. The key elements of detaching with love are:

-- Know and remember that you are not ultimately responsible for the well-being of others (except children). They have the right to choose if and when to change anything in their lives.
-- You are responsible for your own well-being. If someone upsets you, find a tactful, respectful way to tell your loved one without criticizing or fixing. Say it once and make it short. Get support for yourself when you are not heard. Work on acceptance.
-- When communicating feelings, use “I” statements, such as: “When you don’t take care of yourself, I feel sad and scared.” Or “I’m having trouble hearing your complaints over and over.” Also state, “I AM willing to help you if you want to change, but I am not willing to listen to the same complaints without action.”
-- If you are faced with a difficult, long-term situation, look inside and find a way to improve your own circumstances with or without your partners help. It will rock the boat for a while, but if it is done with love, it will make a huge difference.
-- Detaching with love must include love. It does not mean we shut down and stop caring. Demonstrate your love and support without judging or worrying. Let them know you still care, but that you trust them to solve the problem. It’s OK to ask, “Is there anything you need from me?”, but don’t assume your help is needed.

I'll post on how to develop a healthy boundaries a little later.

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