new here. is DB even worth it?

[hope456]

Resonates so completely! I really am trying to get as much positive as possible from this very painful experience, so I'm taking a long, hard look in the mirror.

Thanks, 25. I find your posts spot-on.

[claire7]

The old marriage is dead and gone. Let it go as neither of you were happy. It's okay to concede that. It's crazy Not to concede that. AGREE with your h about the need for that marriage, to fade out... nothing to argue about there, is there? So let him see that you get it!

How do I do this? Just through my behavior? Is there any point at which it is appropriate to just validate and say, "I now understand why you had to leave. We couldn't go on the way we were. That was hard to accept at first since it wasn't a mutual decision. But I see things differently now. If I ever have the chance to start again with you, there are many things I'd do differently. I hope we have that chance, but regardless, I am making these changes for me and for the relationships I have in the future."

When, if ever, would I be able to say something like that?

There is more, but I just wanted to suggest to you a few things you can do that do not cost a lot. Other than pilot training, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.

I appreciate this, too, 25 years. But I have to say that I've done a lot of work coming to terms with the fact that I am an introvert-- which isn't necessarily a negative thing. But it does mean that while I enjoy the company of people I know, social situations do take a lot of energy for me. It's not that I'm "too busy", but I wouldn't have the energy (or desire) to be busy 24/7. I need quiet down time alone, as well.

[claire7]

Definitely feel like I've had a setback today. I replied to his reply (in which he shared an article he read and strategies he is using with our D), thanking him for it, and praising him-- he is spending more QT with d, she is responding to him so well (she would never let him put her to bed before; now he does it 3x a week. And even if I am there, she is much more willing to be with H than before.)

So, he didn't reply to that but instead I got a reply to an earlier message asking him about plans for the summer. He (very politely) told me his tentative vacation plans with his family and (no longer my) friends, and requested another meeting with the mediator for next week.

He has opened up to me recently-- complimented me, asked for advice re: our D, shared pictures and little stories about her with me. But shows zero interest in me personally. He is committed to being a friendly co-parent, but wants nothing to do with me otherwise. I am feeling like such a fool for holding out any hope that he will reconsider.

He is done.

He is "I'm relieved she is not so angry and upset anymore because now I don't have to feel so guilty all the time. And I don't have to feel bad at all about letting her know about plans with her former family and friends that she is no longer a part of, because she's ok with it now!"

He is "great for her and our D that she is changing but there is not a chance I want her as my W ever again. There is someone else way better than her out there for me."

Mind-reading, I know. I KNOW. But I think I am misinterpreting his friendliness for ambivalence. But his actions (zero interest in me personally, moving forward with mediation) indicate he has decided that he is done.

Maybe I am having trouble detaching because I don't have closure. I want him to hold himself accountable for his role. I know he won't.

I feel like i am in mourning again, after feeling so much stronger for the last couple of months. I just feel like breaking down and sobbing, which i haven't felt in a while. The energy to keep this up is taking a toll on me, and if there is no chance of payoff... back to my beginning-- is it worth it?? Why am I bothering?

Shortly after he left he said he had to get to know the "new" me. How does that happen if I detach? But then, when I try to actually show a part of myself (like sending a friendly email with a little humor in it), he won't even respond.

6 months in, and I'm still stuck here.

[25yearsmlc]

Definitely feel like I've had a setback today. I replied to his reply (in which he shared an article he read and strategies he is using with our D), thanking him for it, and praising him-- he is spending more QT with d, she is responding to him so well (she would never let him put her to bed before; now he does it 3x a week. And even if I am there, she is much more willing to be with H than before.)

So where is the setback? Praising him wasn't wrong; it was good and right. Did you add in the parts about "whereas before"??? That's not needed, just praise him without comparisons to other times...

So, he didn't reply to that but instead I got a reply to an earlier message asking him about plans for the summer. He (very politely) told me his tentative vacation plans with his family and (no longer my) friends, and requested another meeting with the mediator for next week.

who said these folks are no longer your friends? Oh...YOU said that. So, I assume YOU have no contact with them and thus, they could also assume you cut them off? I mean, you can't have it both ways, where you get to mind read (always negatively, I might add) and no one else is allowed to assume anything negative about you...

hmm, do you see how that sets them up for failure, and allows you to "Do" nothing, by pretending you have been rejected already?

Victimhood allows us to be complacent but with an excuse...but it IS an excuse, and it's often also a lie we tell ourselves -so we can let ourselves off the hook and just not try.

He has opened up to me recently-- complimented me, asked for advice re: our D, shared pictures and little stories about her with me.

These^^ are called positives. Really you MUST stop the "stinking thinking"....good grief!


But shows zero interest in me personally. He is committed to being a friendly co-parent, but wants nothing to do with me otherwise. I am feeling like such a fool for holding out any hope that he will reconsider.

STOP the mind reading...OMG it's really not constructive at all. And you are probably projecting a lot of this negativity to him...

He is done.

He is "I'm relieved she is not so angry and upset anymore because now I don't have to feel so guilty all the time. And I don't have to feel bad at all about letting her know about plans with her former family and friends that she is no longer a part of, because she's ok with it now!"

He is "great for her and our D that she is changing but there is not a chance I want her as my W ever again. There is someone else way better than her out there for me."


I THOUGHT he had SAID these ^^ things to you but you are making it up...OMG stop this now. HOW does this attitude help you?

Do you feel "Safer" by predicting failure? I mean, is that the reason you do this? It must serve you in some way, I guess, b/c you sure do it A LOT....but is it really helping you at all, or are you simply used to it? I think you do a lot of flawed analysis.


Mind-reading, I know. I KNOW. But I think I am misinterpreting his friendliness for ambivalence. But his actions (zero interest in me personally, moving forward with mediation) indicate he has decided that he is done.

I won't even comment on this^^ stuff anymore...like you said, you are mind reading and for some reason you alone might know, you do it all with negatives attached...

Maybe I am having trouble detaching because I don't have closure. I want him to hold himself accountable for his role. I know he won't.


You're not detaching, by CHOICE, and you need to stop pretending you have none. Because you DO have choice here. You are not powerless.

I feel like i am in mourning again, after feeling so much stronger for the last couple of months. I just feel like breaking down and sobbing, which i haven't felt in a while.

Healing is not a linear process.

You'll backslide and have some bad days and then you'll get past them, again.

You'll pick yourself up, dust yourself off and take a step forward, again...


The energy to keep this up is taking a toll on me, and if there is no chance of payoff... back to my beginning-- is it worth it?? Why am I bothering?


You are asking us questions (perhaps rhetorically) that only YOU have the answers to. We won't judge you if you want to quit. DBing is about becoming the best YOU that you can be...is that a worthy goal for you?

But I'll tell you right now, that you DO have a choice here. When I realized I was CHOOSING to stay married, it felt empowering. Realize this....


Shortly after he left he said he had to get to know the "new" me. How does that happen if I detach?

Detaching does not mean you stop caring or interacting at all. It means you are not attached to the results of his actions.

How to detach?

First, Stop making your posts all about HIM, and what HE says or what you think he means or thinks/feels.
Start making your posts about YOU and GAL and the steps you are taking to improve your life and some 180s....what are those?

And being a woman only a fool would leave means HE will want to get to know you and be around you (Unless this is all an act, which he'll see thru)

But then, when I try to actually show a part of myself (like sending a friendly email with a little humor in it), he won't even respond.


THAT^^ is pure 100% pursuit WITH expectations attached! Stop that. Focus on YOU. Only you.

6 months in, and I'm still stuck here.

Get yourself Unstuck. We can't do it for you. But we're all rooting for you.

[artsy]

To add to the great advice above by 25, I will share a thought my IC shared with me... It helps put a positive spin on things for me when I feel like H is putting effort in to EVERYTHING else but our M:

Men are very single-minded. They truly work best when focused on one thing. Women are multi-taskers, and can devote our attention to multiple areas. This is especially true when emotions are involved.

Maybe... Just MAYBE he is focused in being the best dad he can be right now. That may mean he can't give you focus. Honestly, though, if that is the case, your D needs him more than you do. Give him some time to work on that R. Even if you don't stay M, she needs her dad.

This stuff is so hard! Hang in there!

[JennD]

Hi Claire. Yet again, I am struggling with many of the same ideas and issues as you are.

My IC said for me to stop predicting and guessing and own my truth - that is what is fact - not what I think will happen, what he thinks (even though I know my H better than anyone in the world and know how he thinks). Just know what is true.

And there are things that are difficult that are as a result of his choices.

When I start thinking like you are above (which happens ALOT) I say to myself - what is my truth? What are his choices he has made? Truth and choice.

It does help to slow the predicting and mindreading.

She also had me make a list of what would happen if we were to D - basically face the worst case seniario (sp?) and yes it would $uck none of it would cripple or kill me.

For me, putting it to paper made it less scary and made me realize I can do this.

I backslide all the time. But I know I cannot be a heap of tears forever.

And neither can you. Hope this helps a bit...

[claire7]

Well, it looks like my the lights have been turned on and the music has been cut off on my little pity party! Thanks, 25yearsmlc, I really needed this! You made me laugh at how ridiculous I sounded!

Praising him wasn't wrong; it was good and right. Did you add in the parts about "whereas before"??? That's not needed, just praise him without comparisons to other times...

Whew-- I did one thing right! I didn't add the "whereas before" part. Just the compliment. One point for me!

I THOUGHT he had SAID these ^^ things to you but you are making it up...OMG stop this now. HOW does this attitude help you?

Do you feel "Safer" by predicting failure? I mean, is that the reason you do this? It must serve you in some way, I guess, b/c you sure do it A LOT....but is it really helping you at all, or are you simply used to it? I think you do a lot of flawed analysis.

(Is this what is called a "truth dart"?)

You are asking us questions (perhaps rhetorically) that only YOU have the answers to. We won't judge you if you want to quit. DBing is about becoming the best YOU that you can be...is that a worthy goal for you?

YES! YES! YES!

[/i] Start making your posts about YOU and GAL and the steps you are taking to improve your life and some 180s....what are those?

Get yourself Unstuck. We can't do it for you. But we're all rooting for you.

Thanks.

My 180s:
--Stopping the negativity. That would be HUGE.
--Pulling the trigger/decision-making. Have made some progress on projects around the house.
--Cooking. Have done a bit. Signed up for a class.
--Exercise (I ran quite a bit before I was married/had a baby.) Have had some physical issues since then so don't exercise much besides walking. (Although I am not overweight). But doing some strength training or yoga would feel great.
--Planning trips

Thanks for the honest feedback and tough love.

[hope456]

Love the 180s! I'm working on negativity, too.

(((Claire)))

[Oxford1]

AFTER READING your 180's I can tell you your doing great.

I am so sorry that you are in so much pain.

You have been doing great don't sell yourself short.

[lost18]

So much of what you said resonated with me as well. Although at this point I have NC with my H. I too feel like by me "letting him go" it is a sign for him that he is ok to move on with whatever it is he is doing and let go of his guilt and anger.

Of course I have no idea what is really going on in his head. It has been about 2.5 weeks since we've had any sort of interaction between us.

I spend so much of my time with the would've and could've and what ifs that it is consuming all of my energy. My IC also says to focus on today and what I can control which is me.

"The energy to keep this up is taking a toll on me, and if there is no chance of payoff... back to my beginning-- is it worth it?? Why am I bothering?"

The problem with so many of us on here is we are doing all this, making changes and focusing on 'the payoff' the problem is we focus on the wrong payoff. The payoff we should focus on, and will hopefully get to is the better, happier self.