About 5 months ago, my husband announced he was moving out, a week before our 6th anniversary. Our daughter was almost-three at the time.
Back story: I have struggled with anxiety and mild-to-moderate depression for years. After our daughter was born, I had PPD which was never diagnosed. On top of that, we moved into a new apartment (with a new mortgage) two weeks after our daughter was born (in fact, our closing took place the same day I gave birth). My husband had just started a new job 6 weeks before that. Any one of these major life changes could cause stress in a relationship. We had a perfect storm. So, whatever communication problems we had in our marriage just got worse and worse and worse after our daughter was born. Resentment built up, but was never dealt with, and we became more and more disconnected.
I had asked him several times to start counseling-- he always refused, saying that our problems were not so bad and that I was making too much of every little conflict.
Now he says he just doesn't love me anymore, can't envision us happy together again, and left because he was just so unhappy and worried that our daughter would be affected by the tension and lack of warmth in our home.
I have taken responsibility for my role-- I should have gotten help for my depression and anxiety, but never did, even though he encouraged me to do so. I recognize many of the ways I contributed to our disconnection. I am working on myself- therapy, medication to treat my mental health issues (which is working extremely well), reconnecting with friends and other interests. He is unwilling to work on our relationship and has leased an apartment nearby.
I made SO many mistakes in the last few months-- guilting him, shaming him, screaming at him, trying to logically plead our case, sending him articles, etc. etc. Oops.
I'm trying to figure out what to do now... I'm torn-- I want to give him space so that he can realize that change is possible. But at the same time, he seems so content for us to be cordial, even friendly co-parents. I am so reluctant to let him think that I'm ok with that. I feel so betrayed and angry. And now, I'm even starting to wonder whether it is worth trying to save the marriage. Why should I bother and care if he doesn't? What's so great about him anyway?
Most days I'm so proud of my progress and strength. I appreciate the support of this forum-- I have read many of the postings and found comfort in them.
Hi Claire, I am sorry for the difficult time you are having. It is very common to have the issues you are having with all the life chances that have happened. When people walk away without working on the relationship and getting clarity on what they could of done differently and why they are in the situation they are in, unfortunately they go on and have the same issues in the next relationship.It would be extremely beneficial for you to talk to a DB coach, even if your husband won't. Your coach will help you come up with a plan on how to interact with your husband that can help turn your marriage around. If you do nothing, nothing will change. You also want to be sure you are doing what is best for your daughter as well. Take care.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
I'm sorry you find yourself here. I know how tough it is, but if you're going through this situation, I don't think there's a better place for you to get support.
My H has said many of the same things yours has said. I love you, but I'm not in love with you, we're better off as friends, etc.
Now he says he just doesn't love me anymore, can't envision us happy together again, and left because he was just so unhappy and worried that our daughter would be affected by the tension and lack of warmth in our home.
This ^^^^^^ is part of the WAS script. You should read Sandi's rules in the newcomers section. One of them is believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does. Just because he feels this way today, doesn't mean he'll feel like that tomorrow.
Have you read DB or DR? They are both great resources.
As for your question, yes, DB is worth it. One of the concepts in MWD's book is that it takes one to tango. Changing what you are doing can change the dynamic of the relationship. There is no guarantee that any of our M's will be saved, but using this time to work on yourself can only be good for you and for future relationships (whether with your H or someone else).
Completely agree with above. I read the book and came to the forum desperate to save my marriage and quickly learned that DB was about something bigger than that -saving myself. That will always be worth it.
Don't worry about mistakes you made. We all do it in the beginning. Some of the things I said and did (I sent lots of articles too) make me cringe but you can't take it back so dont worry about it.
5 months is not very long although it feels like forever. I am at 6 months and constantly cycling through phases of anger sadness regret etc. I also suffer from anxiety that my h held over my head ( he would stop X if I got on meds) I did start taking meds after BD and feel so much better now.
Sounds like you have some good plans going. Keep it up. Keep the focus on you and your daughter. Keep coming here for dupport. We are here for each other.
Julie
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Claire, I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I think most people here have made the same mistakes that you did early on in their situations. I know I did a lot of reasoning, promising change and even a little begging during the first few months after my W left. As Julie said, you can't change it now so try not to dwell on it.
The DB and DR books are both great. I would personally recommend the DR book if you were to pick one.
One thing you will hear a lot of people say on the forums here is to make yourself into the spouse that anyone would be crazy to leave. If you can make yourself the best version of you that you can it's possible your H will notice the changes and rethink his decisions. If he doesn't, you'll be in a great place to have a very happy future without him.
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
Divorce busting will save YOU if not your marriage then so i'd say yes is absolutely worth it, have you read the DB/DR books? They will give you lots of tips and good advice on not only trying to move your R with your H to a better place but more importantly how to move forward yourself regardless of your H's actions & choices.
I think we all go through the period of crying, begging, pleading, shouting but there comes a point when we realise that it isnt helping (usually making things worse!) and its time for something different - Divorce busting is that something different, surely its worth a shot?
Good luck!
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
Thank you all for the words of encouragement! It is so appreciated! Yes I am realizing that this is for me--i can only control myself after all. My new mantra: "I am confident, capable, and strong."
We are going to a mediation lawyer next week. The last time we went, a couple of months ago, I could barely get through the meeting. I told him I needed more time beforewe did that again. He brought it up again but now I am ready to show I am able to stand on my own without falling apart. I'm sure I'll have lots more questions after that.
Btw... does anyone here worry about privacy/spouse recognizing them here?
I saw my MIL today. I used to see her every week (she watches D once/week), but now H relieves her after work and I don't come home until after he puts D to bed (in my home). But H is out of town, so I saw MIL today. She is divorced herself (H's father left H's mother when he was very young), so I know she can relate to my sich. BUT-- even though we were quite close, she completely avoids mentioning it at all. It is just business as usual-- talk about work (we are both in the same line of work), my D, etc. She has always been a confidante and source of support for me (I am not very close with my own Mother), and I miss my relationship with her terribly. She is not willing or able to give me any insight into her own experience dealing with divorce. It's so frustrating. When H left, she told me she loved me, was here for me. But she has pretty much cut me out. I found out my SFIL was having surgery from MY mom, who heard it from our nanny! 2 new babies have been born into their family-- she didn't bother to inform me of that, either.
But-- on the bright side-- I decide to DB her, too. At first, I couldn't see her or my SFIL without breaking down in tears. But, today, I kept it totally light and cool. Came home from work in a great mood, showed friendliness to her and lots of positive love and appreciation to my D. Asked about her family in a genuine way. ("Give them my love!") And then left it with "Not sure when I'll see you again, but take care!" No lingering goodbyes, no "I miss you", no questions about H.
Does she realize what a stupid fool her son is? Has she told him what a mistake he is making? What a great person he is giving up? I have no idea. I'll never know.
How do you deal with losing friends and family relationships? That's been one of the hardest parts for me. --Claire
For the last few weeks I finally started following the DB rules in earnest-- no contact except related to our daughter, no negative emotions, staying upbeat and positive, slowly getting a life. And feeling quite proud of myself.
But two things: for the most part he still acts quite grumpy around me, even when my attitude is upbeat, as if just the thought of being around me--even if I am happy-- makes him miserable.
But then there are other things too, like "double standard" kind of stuff, which was always an issue in our R. Today, he is working from (my) home because our baby sitter called in sick. It's his night to take care of her, which means he is supposed to relieve babysitter at 5, give D3 dinner, bath and put her to bed (in my home). I come home at 8:30. That is our established plan. He came over at 7 this morning, and on my way out asks, "what is your timing for tonight? Still 8:30?" I guess he is asking because he will be "on duty" with our D all day. He didn't ask me to come home early. But it seemed like that is what he wanted. (He can't come out and ask me but I thought he was being passive aggressive). Am I supposed to offer?? Doing a 180 would mean NOT offering, and putting my own plans and time first. But I can't tell if that makes him resentful or not? I am so confused as to the right thing to do.
