From what I’ve read about reconciliation or piecing here on this board, you don’t stop DBing during this time. They still need space and time. If I would be you, I would find some excuse to avoid the talk tonight. And start DBing like crazy.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I'm sorry DFE, if I wasn't clear. There can be relationship talks in piecing, but just be careful about it. In other words, too many talks could overwhelm him. If he is pulling away, or getting overwhelmed and moody, then dial back on the talks. I agree with BrightFuture, to give him a bit of space and time and do some DBing. Just based on how he is acting lately. Try not to be to hard on yourself, you are doing your best! I know piecing can be so hard, stick to it though, I think you are doing good. If you do end up talking tonight, I would say just let him take the lead, hear what he has to say, and validate, validate, validate! lol. Good luck, thinking of you!
Cp
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
So I tried avoiding the talk last night. I sat in the family room while he went upstairs to the bedroom. The one he never wants to be in when we fight. About an hour later I got an email from him asking for a divorce. AGAIN. Of course I came upstairs. He infuriates me when he communicates via email. This is our damned life. Talk to me about it.
I came up and started talking to him. Told him that he needs to learn to talk about issues rather than run from them. It was like I was talking to a brick wall. He kept watching TV and told me he wasn't ready to discuss the divorce and that we would work out the details in the morning. He said you just don't get it. I have told you in every which way but you are like a robot. You just go about life. TRUE but you give me mixed signals.
I let him go last time. He was the one that came back because he thought I was seeing someone else. He wanted to work on things. He asked to move back in. None of that was me. So why? Why did you come back I asked.
I kept talking he kept ignoring. I finally got upset. I told him I would give him his divorce but there would be no more of what we did before. No more coming over and spending time with the kids. No more spending the time when it was convenient. No more.
He asked me to leave him alone and said that we would discuss the details today.
He went downstairs to sleep and I stayed in my room sobbing like a child. he did it to me again. I swore he wouldn't. I then took a Xanax to be able to sleep. Fast forward to 2:30 in the morning. I am passed out and he wakes me up to ask me if I am ok. I said yes barely able to wake up. Next thing I know he get's into bed with me. Slowly he inches his way over and holds me. I was passed out the whole time but could tell.
That's messing with my mind. Messing with me. The man is confused and I am tired of it. He can't handle conflict. Cant handle stress. I don't think in anyway that means he wants to work on things. He still wants the divorce I am sure but what is that all about? Guilt? Just let me be. Leave.
I have tried telling him over and over what an impact this will have on our lives. Our kids. And it will be a HUGE impact on our business. We may lose it. We will both have to start from scratch. I am a shell of a person and want to kick myself for all that i have put up with. To him i look like a doormat. To me i feel he has a psychological issue he doesn't want to face. Nightly pot smoking and drinking tells me he has deamons he is trying to run from. Makes him a whole person he says when he smokes pot.
so the roller coaster goes on.
M12 Kids 2 ILYBINILWY 08/05 Reconciled 05/06 S07/12 Moved back 03/13 Separated Again 06/24/13 Back Again (his choice) 02/14 Leaving again 03/23/14 DIVORCED 02/15
DFE.... so sorry to hear this. This is hard enough to go through it once, can't imagine having to do it again and again.
((hugs)) Magic
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Obviously it's my fault that I keep going through this with him. I keep letting it happen. I just don't know how to stop because I know in my heart it's not the best for us. He is struggling with something. His behaviours are not normal and i keep trying to "fix him" . i need to realize that there is nothing I can do. Eventually one day my kids will be grown and they will eventually get used to the idea of daddy not having lived with us. I just wish it didn't have to be so.
He has asked me to lunch to discuss the details. I am dreading it but it needs to be done. I will not beg or plead as i know from past experience it won't help. I love him in some sick way but i think it's the man i fell in love with not who he has become. I feel sad for him.
Off i go to deal with my fate.
M12 Kids 2 ILYBINILWY 08/05 Reconciled 05/06 S07/12 Moved back 03/13 Separated Again 06/24/13 Back Again (his choice) 02/14 Leaving again 03/23/14 DIVORCED 02/15
Obviously it's my fault that I keep going through this with him. I keep letting it happen. I just don't know how to stop because I know in my heart it's not the best for us. He is struggling with something. His behaviours are not normal and i keep trying to "fix him" . i need to realize that there is nothing I can do. Eventually one day my kids will be grown and they will eventually get used to the idea of daddy not having lived with us. I just wish it didn't have to be so.
He has asked me to lunch to discuss the details. I am dreading it but it needs to be done. I will not beg or plead as i know from past experience it won't help. I love him in some sick way but i think it's the man i fell in love with not who he has become. I feel sad for him.
Off i go to deal with my fate.
DFE I feel for you. It sounds like you are similar to me and others here. I told my W that I had been her H for Half my adult life and was trying to understand how to be something else now. But I am trying. She just looked mad. She wants what she wants and that's it. and she's making really selfish moves and decisions in the process. Try t let go. I am also trying. Otherwise, you just get hurt.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
Its extremely gruelling... Yes, they get to make the selfish moves and decisions while we play victim and hurt.
One thing that was pointed out to me again on the weekend, was that being strong and independent and in control of self...is attractive.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Obviously it's my fault that I keep going through this with him. I keep letting it happen. I just don't know how to stop because I know in my heart it's not the best for us. He is struggling with something. His behaviours are not normal and i keep trying to "fix him" . i need to realize that there is nothing I can do. Eventually one day my kids will be grown and they will eventually get used to the idea of daddy not having lived with us. I just wish it didn't have to be so.
He has asked me to lunch to discuss the details. I am dreading it but it needs to be done. I will not beg or plead as i know from past experience it won't help. I love him in some sick way but i think it's the man i fell in love with not who he has become. I feel sad for him.
Off i go to deal with my fate.
My .02-your H is s a big boy, he can fix himself if he chooses. Don't use up any more precious minutes of your life doing things for others that they are capable of doing for themselves. I battle fixit-itis on an almost daily basis. It doesn't just go away, you have to work at it.
That work involves fixing you. As long as we're preoccupied with someone else's "problems" it keep the focus off us.
What are you doing for you?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I'm so used to doing for others that I forget about myself. Why am I so crushed that someone so undependable wants to leave again? I should have known we would end up here again but just two weeks ago he was making plans for our future. I just don't know how he flips the switch like he does.
M12 Kids 2 ILYBINILWY 08/05 Reconciled 05/06 S07/12 Moved back 03/13 Separated Again 06/24/13 Back Again (his choice) 02/14 Leaving again 03/23/14 DIVORCED 02/15
DFE, Sounds very one sided to me. I don't see from what you write that he is really intersted in making the M work. To me he would need to show signs of wanting to change, to be different to look at where you are as piecing. IMO I would get back to DBing and focuse on you and making yourself happy and sain.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
