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#2439685 03/20/14 10:22 PM
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So my last post was on 10/1/13. I pretty much washed my hands of this marriage then. I started to get used to the idea of being single. Did I like it no but what was I to do. Then one night my H text me saying he was going to drop by. I told him he couldn't because I was having company. COMPANY he asked? I said yes and you can't just drop by when you want to. I need notice.

Well that night he had apparently driven by the house and was prepared to come in if he didn't recognize the car outside. He was going to confront whomever was here. He said he didn't want his kids around another man in his house. We later had a talk about it and he said he wanted us to try again. He didn't want to throw what we had out but he had rules. He wanted us not to fight anymore. To be each others friend. To start off with a clean slate. He was open to counseling as well but that has never worked before so I didn't jump at the opportunity.

Fast forward 3 months and he said he was thinking of moving back.

He moved back in February. Not that long ago. He started sleeping in our bed again and we even started having sex regularly. Then we went out one night and he got upset because I was drinking and didn't want to leave. It's been downhill since then. Every argument we get into he is ready to jump down my throat. The last one started last week over something really small. He has since slept downstairs and gives me the silent treatment.

I have tried talking to him. Telling him this is no way for us to resolve conflict but he says I have nothing to say. He says I am his problem and that he despises me. I have anxiety and stress. I am back to where I was before. it's like a mind game. I just want peace in my life. I would have rather he never come back then to play this yo yo game with me.

What do I do? The more I talk to him the more I feel I am belittling myself. I have tried to be calm. I have tried yelling. Crying. I am out of options. As a refresher for anyone who doesn't know my sitch we have been together 20 years, married for 11, have two kids, and own a business together. Divorce won't be clean. it will not only effect my kids, my home life, but also my livelihood.

What do I do? Any advise would sure help.


M12
Kids 2
ILYBINILWY 08/05
Reconciled 05/06
S07/12
Moved back 03/13
Separated Again 06/24/13
Back Again (his choice) 02/14
Leaving again 03/23/14
DIVORCED 02/15
DFE #2439689 03/20/14 10:38 PM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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Sorry that you find yourself back on here. Did you ever find a good MC to go to after he came back? Did he ever talk to you about his issues about the M before he came back? Did you revert to old habits?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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MrBond
I've gone through many counselors. Unfortunately all of them seemed to do more harm or didn't help. I've even tried individual counseling. I've looked at a marriage boot camp but don't know if that will be effective. We have trouble communicating. It seems I say one thing and he hears another. He has a lot of anger towards me. He feels I have controlled his life but I don't see it that way.

He's even angry at me because he decided to move out and rented a small apt smaller than our family room. He said he is bitter towards me for that although I never asked him to leave. Seems I can do no right.

I think we are both making an effort. It's just when we have a disagreement the past comes up and we go back to our old method of fighting. Just yelling and screaming. He is back on the couch and has shut down again. I've tried and tried to get him to open up. He thinks we should have zero fights. I think fights are ok as long as you learn how to resolve them. He doesn't want to talk about things.


M12
Kids 2
ILYBINILWY 08/05
Reconciled 05/06
S07/12
Moved back 03/13
Separated Again 06/24/13
Back Again (his choice) 02/14
Leaving again 03/23/14
DIVORCED 02/15
DFE #2439950 03/21/14 10:18 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
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Have you tried Retrouvaille?


Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
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"We have trouble communicating."

That's always a vague comment when people say that. There are lots of reasons why people can't seem to get their message across. I don't see that in your H's case.

"It seems I say one thing and he hears another. He has a lot of anger towards me. He feels I have controlled his life but I don't see it that way."

That's the problem right there. He holds you accountable for his happiness which is neither warranted or fair. You can't be in charge of how happy he is. No one can be the sole source of someone else's happiness. It seems like he's blaming you because he can't seem to take any personal responsibility for his own actions.

He needs to get himself right by taking responsibility and getting rid of perceived resentments that he may have with you.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,050
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The problem Mr. Bond is that that kind of advice seeks to get action from a person that DFE has nop control over. Remember one of the premises of DBing is improving yourself as there's nothing you can do or say that can change another person. It is the change in you that will bring about a change in the other person.

DFE, have you read the book about how to save your marriage without talking about it (Love and Stosny)? that helped me a lot. Once I learned how to respond we fought a lot less.


Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 625
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DFE, glad you are back but sorry that things are not working out so well for you lately. Sounded like things were moving forward, and then perhaps old habits came back again? Sounds like he is on edge, getting upset over little things and starting arguments. I wonder what is underneith all of that emotion? Do you think he is upset about something or just falling into old patterns?

Is he doing any counseling right now? Seems like that would be a good start. In order to reconcile, it would good for him to have some of his own individual counseling, to address his own personal issues that need attending to.

When H and I first started reconciling, we started by each doing our own individual therapy, then, when we were ready, we started going to MC sessions together.


M: 8 yrs T:14
Twins:7 S:5
BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013
Mar/Apr/May: MC
June: "living in limbo"
Sept 12: H moves out
Oct 20: reconciling
Jan-Feb 2014:MC
Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.

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Posts: 302
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I had another talk with him last night. This will be the 8th straight dai I've tried reaching out to him. It turned into another argument because he didn't want to talk. I sent him an email last night saying we can't go on like this and that I would like to try a marriage boot camp. His response "screw u" I have another 13 years left before the kids leave for school. Stay out of my way and I will stay out of yours.

That infuriated me and I had another discussion with him this morning. He said we are two different and he just can't anymore. He says I control him because we work together. He wants his freedom. He says I track all his expenses. Funny thing is he puts all dining charges on a credit card I don't know of. Something to hide?

He gets offended when I sake where he is or with whom. Let me note I've only done that once since he's been back. I found a receipt for a restaurant and it was obvious he dined with a female because of the order. Never questioned him until the other day because he denied going there. Again paid with some other credit card. I'm starting to think he is hiding something from me. He has always been very honest but his behaviors are strange.

I don't know what to think.


M12
Kids 2
ILYBINILWY 08/05
Reconciled 05/06
S07/12
Moved back 03/13
Separated Again 06/24/13
Back Again (his choice) 02/14
Leaving again 03/23/14
DIVORCED 02/15
DFE #2440225 03/23/14 05:32 PM
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 625
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What a bummer DFE, sounds like he is pulling away. From an outsider perspective, to me it seems like he could use some space. (ie/Sandi's rules about no pressure, no relationship talks, etc.) for a while. It seems like he is so moody at every little thing. Has he always been like that? Is it part of his character, or is it just worse lately? Either way, it seems you should back off a bit to give him a little bit of space. Perhaps hold off on the boot camp idea, just for a bit anyhow, given how he is responding to the relationship talks.


M: 8 yrs T:14
Twins:7 S:5
BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013
Mar/Apr/May: MC
June: "living in limbo"
Sept 12: H moves out
Oct 20: reconciling
Jan-Feb 2014:MC
Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.

Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 302
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I didn't realize there were no relationship talks in piecing. In hindsight I wish I left him alone but I get so very frustrated. I have tried so very hard to put my ego aside since he's been back. I try to make up with him after every argument. I realize it's just not worth it.

He on the other hand treats me as if I am insignificant. I guess I am to him but it still infuriates me. Things don't need to be this hard. Forgive, forget, and move on. Life's too short but he won't let it go. Well he just told me he is ready to talk tonight when the kids sleep. And from the look on his face I know what he wants to say. I am not ready for this again. Here we go!!!


M12
Kids 2
ILYBINILWY 08/05
Reconciled 05/06
S07/12
Moved back 03/13
Separated Again 06/24/13
Back Again (his choice) 02/14
Leaving again 03/23/14
DIVORCED 02/15
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