wife denies the affair

[leaving]

I truly believe if my ex would of exposed it and faught harder for me. I would of snapped out of it. I had no faith in God then and I was living a fantasy then. I lived with guilt for 9 years with the A girl. It become coveince and very toxic relationship. I wish I would of seeked counceling for my issues of being alone or abandon as a child. See my w has anxiety, depression and self esteem issues...she needs help. She said she has a great relationship with God. Sorry to say God doesn't like affairs and divorce. I know this affair won't last long. She has a very soft heart and she also is very sensitive. I know she has a ton of guilt. I'm not sure I really know what to do at this point.

[MrBond]

"I truly believe if my ex would of exposed it and faught harder for me. I would of snapped out of it."

That never works.

"I had no faith in God then and I was living a fantasy then. I lived with guilt for 9 years with the A girl."

See it all stems from you and selfishness. That's how your W is right now. If you start guilting her or giving her more pressure, she will leave even faster. Plus because you cheated on your first W, your current one can always throw that at your face.

"See my w has anxiety, depression and self esteem issues...she needs help. She said she has a great relationship with God."

You're not her therapist. Stop trying to be one to her.

"Sorry to say God doesn't like affairs and divorce."

Didn't stop you.

"I know this affair won't last long."

I'm sure that's what your first W thought about yours.

"She has a very soft heart and she also is very sensitive. I know she has a ton of guilt."

Mindreading.

"I'm not sure I really know what to do at this point."

You have to let go of what you can't control. Obviously you've see what doesn't work, and despite what you may think, fighting even harder for her won't work.

What were the primary issues that the two of you had in your M?

[leaving]

Didn't have a good relationship with her son. I tried to bond with him and he never would warm up to me.I He doesn't like his dad's w. We did go to counseling with step son about 2 years ago and w stopped because she thought the counselor was to hard on him. My w does every thing for him. She does his hair organizes all his homework and he plays video games from morning to night non stop. so by the time we had time together she was exhausted. She also said I ruled with an iron fist. The rules were never followed. I stopped any discipline a year and a Hal ago.
The second was I was drinking to much which caused me to take her for granted at times. She told me it is ok for me to drink but don't drink to much

I stopped all the drinking two weeks prior to her filing D. I haven't drank since. I have been going to church and it's been what's been saving me..

You're right on everything above its all counter productive. I just have to keep on being the best me.


My w did tell me if she could still pick my daughter up on Fridays because I work afternoons and that's what she doeS now. She would like to keep her for a few days when we're divorced. I have to ask my daughter she is 11-

[leaving]

Should I go dark on her?...just for the record I know what she suffers from and I have never tried to fix her or tell her what was wrong with her. When she would knock herself down I would always try to build her up by telling her how beautiful she is. When she had anxiety I would hold her.

I do love her and I do know she's on her own journey and it's out of my control. I can only control me.

[MrBond]

You never answered the question about how your relationship is with your XW.

"Didn't have a good relationship with her son. I tried to bond with him and he never would warm up to me.I He doesn't like his dad's w. We did go to counseling with step son about 2 years ago and w stopped because she thought the counselor was to hard on him. My w does every thing for him. She does his hair organizes all his homework and he plays video games from morning to night non stop. so by the time we had time together she was exhausted. She also said I ruled with an iron fist. The rules were never followed. I stopped any discipline a year and a Hal ago."

It's not his fault. Sorry but that's what happens to kids when their family get broken.

"The second was I was drinking to much which caused me to take her for granted at times. She told me it is ok for me to drink but don't drink to much

I stopped all the drinking two weeks prior to her filing D."

So in other words, you've only stopped your drinking habit for a month. I wouldn't trust your changes either right now.

As for your W's first marriage, what caused the breakup of that one? Did she call it quits or her ex?

[leaving]

I haven't seen my EW in years. we don't have a relationship. I know what happens to kids from divorce. I came from a divorce family. My w called it quits and yes he was drinking. She did tell me he drank a lot more than I ever did and he also was always partying etc..

My w has noticed all my changes and even called me fantastic. She did say she is scared and don't know how long they will last. I told her I understand why she would think that way.

I did get divorced and I made the worst mistake of my life when I divorced my EW. I lived with a lot a pain and that A was a bad R. I stayed for convience and I never felt I worth anything more because my EW was a great wonderful women. I got caught up in the addiction of it. I was so stupid then.

I know this is out of my control. I just know what I am doing now with God in my life and I plan on staying this way for me.

[MrBond]

You may not think your XW has anything to do with your current sitch, but believe me she does. Is your D from your first marriage or your affair?

" I lived with a lot a pain"

Despite how much "pain" you thought you were in, it probably didn't compare to what your XW went through.

"I never felt I worth anything more because my EW was a great wonderful women."

And yet you told your girlfriend that your XW was rubbish and that you shouldn't have gotten married.

"I got caught up in the addiction of it. I was so stupid then."

But it didn't make you change. You continued to drink and even drank while in a relationship with your current W who left her XH because of his drinking.

These are the hurdles that you are confronted with. The problem was that you focused so much on her A, that you glossed over your own issues.

[leaving]

Let me just say this I just discovered this A. I was dbing the day she dropped the bomb. I believe this A may have been going on before the D was dropped . I thought something was up but couldn't put my finger on it. I accidentally came across the A. I understand my wrong doings and I'm addressing them for me.

Daughter is from affair. W still wants to pick her up and help with her care while we're divorced.

[leaving]

I know I hurt my XW. I called her after the break up of the affair and apologized for my actions and she forgave me. She did remarry and had children.

I know I made mistakes with my current W and we both are paying the price. I would love to reconcile with my W with us being lead by God. If it doesn't happen I wish her happiness. We both know she is looking for happiness unfortunately she has to have happiness from within not from someone else. We know a lot of people are searching for the right person to fall in love with, when you have to learn to love the person who is imperfect.

[MrBond]

"I know I hurt my XW. I called her after the break up of the affair and apologized for my actions and"

So it took you 9 years until you apologized? And you only apologized because your affair didn't quite turn out the way you intended? That's pretty selfish.

"she forgave me."

She had no choice. Plus I'm sure it made you feel better. All selfish and only serves to make YOU feel better.

"I know I made mistakes with my current W and we both are paying the price. I would love to reconcile with my W with us being lead by God."

Sorry if it sounds extremely hypocritical. Especially if you just found God when you thought your W was cheating on you. Doesn't sound sincere. That's why she doesn't trust you.

This plus your record of the affair doesn't show that you won't do the same to her again. I mean, what assurances does she have that you're not going to go back to the way you were if she leaves this new guy?

"unfortunately she has to have happiness from within not from someone else. We know a lot of people are searching for the right person to fall in love with, when you have to learn to love the person who is imperfect."

That really sounds like you're taking the "I'm righteous" approach. Especially since you were the one who had the history of cheating and drinking.

I know it sounds like you're being bashed and to a certain degree, you probably deserve it. However all this contributes to your current situation. Just because you "suddenly" found God doesn't mean that you're better than anyone else and you've got alot of repenting to do. And it especially doesn't mean that just because you've been suddenly enlightened doesn't mean that your W needs to share your newfound faith.

When you tell her stuff like the affair doesn't matter and you'll still take her back, sounds extremely "holier than thou". I'm sure when you were with your XW, you treated her like dirt and blamed everything under the sun on her. That attitude isn't going to serve you well here.

So again, what guarantee does she have that you aren't going to do this again? Have you gone into deep IC? Aside from going to church, what things have you done to try and correct the damage you had caused?