Each Time I find myself lyin' flat on my face...

[LoisB]

...I just pick myself up and get back in the race....

That's life
(That's life)
That's what all the people say
You're riding high in April, shot down in May
But I know I'm gonna change that tune
When I'm back on top, back on top in June

I said that's life
(That's life)
And as funny as it may seem
Some people get their kicks stomping on a dream
But I don't let it, let it get me down
'Cause this fine old world, it keeps spinnin' around

I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king
I've been up and down and over and out and I know one thing
Each time I find myself flat on my face
I pick myself up and get back in the race

That's life
(That's life)
I tell you, I can't deny it
I thought of quitting, baby but my heart just ain't gonna buy it
And if I didn't think it was worth one single try
I'd jump right on a big bird and then I'd fly

I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king
I've been up and down and over and out and I know one thing
Each time I find myself layin' flat on my face
I just pick myself up and get back in the race

That's life
(That's life)
That's life and I can't deny it
Many times I thought of cutting out but my heart won't buy it
But if there's nothing shaking come this here July
I'm gonna roll myself up in a big ball and die, my, my

Written by Dean and Kelly. Sung by Frank Sinatra - That's Life Lyrics

[job]

Heather,
People are going to be say and believe whatever they want. You have no control over the gossip. The best thing to do is rise above it and when someone says something to you that is untrue, smile and inform they that your h is more than welcome to come visit his children any time. Don't go into a lot of details with the gossip hounds because they will take what you tell them and expand in it. Remember, a dog that brings a bone will carry one.

There is no need for you to defend yourself to the in-laws. If you were to contact them in any way and try to defend yourself, it would fall on deaf ears and whatever you say or write down, they will turn it around and try to use it against you in some fashion. The best defense in this situation is to just leave them out there to swing in the wind. The more you try to defend yourself, the more people will talk.

I know it hurts to hear this stuff...but ignore it as much as possible. Don't give them fodder to spread in the world.

Now, about the bounced check...you need to tack on a service charge because it bounced and you need to contact them immediately and advise them it bounced and as of tomorrow, you will no longer be tutoring their child until you have the money, not check, in hand.

[LoisB]

Old Thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2438215&page=1

Ok. So, we are starting fresh here. No students today.

It occurred to me yesterday, how everything that has happened in the past two years is my worst nightmare. Truly. This is EXACTLY what I was terrified would happen to my life.

Last night, I had a dream which I think signifies where I'm at.

In the beginning, I'm visiting a neighbor. This neighbor has a pretty filthy house and too many animals and things are very unorganized. She and her husband argue all the time. I spent some time with the neighbor. I was wearing this old sweatshirt my aunt had given me when I was 12. I LOVED this sweatshirt. I wore it through college.

Anyway, I was wearing this old sweatshirt and some sweats and had just rolled outta bed. I wandered down to the neighbor's house and we were lying in the grass on our backs and talking. I was pretty relaxed, but she was stressing because she had ALL THIS STUFF to do. She was mainly worried her husband would come along and get mad at her. And, he did.

He came along and started bitcching about something and telling her how she was lazy or something. She got up and we moved to two rocking chairs. I was aware, however, that she was nervous and knew she HAD to get up and get busy.

I started to feel the tension, but was somewhat disappointed when she got up and starting getting busy. I walked down her drive and thought I saw the Forester. He was helping on their farm. I wasn't sure it was him though. And, I saw this tractor that was brand new and I thought how I shoulda asked the neighbors about it because I need one. There were all these men, some kinda shifty-looking. LOL> eharmony!!

[LoisB]

Thanks Job. Yes, I've already let them know. And, there will be service charge.

I need to think how I want paid. I think I need to ask for cash from them tomorrow. Yes, that's what I'm going to do. I can't wait for another check to clear. I hope they come through. This is the difficult boy and he is doing AWESOME!!!

Back to the dream.

So, I kinda avoid the Forester, but I'm not even sure it's really him and I look terrible...I walk home. Smokey is there. The house isn't our house, but this strange sorta dump. It's really just a series of unfinished outbuildings. And, there's junk everywhere.

Smokey is there working and visiting D11. He begins yelling at me almost immediately. At first, I sorta just sit and text and hide from him. He's telling me how I made a mess of our marriage and I didn't work enough, earn enough, look good enough... And, meanwhile, there's ALLL THIS JUNK strewn about. I feel completely overwhelmed and don't know where to start.

Everytime I run into him, he lets me have it. And, I'm finding myself going to this room filled with old furniture and garbage and so forth to hide. D11 is listening to it all. She is always right there.

Smokey is like fixing something or building something, chopping wood??? I'm not sure.

I know I feel ugly, fat, frumpy, overwhelmed and guilty...like the stuff he is saying is true. I just want to get away from him.

There's more.

[LoisB]

So, here's the cool part. READY FOR IT???

Smokey passes by and starts in on me again (still the dream).

I defend myself!! Not well, at first, but I let HIM have it. I start yelling back. I'm not eloquent or calm, at first, I'm sorta insane actually. And, I'm aware that D11 is still watching. But, I let him HAVE IT!!

"How could you treat me like this?? How could you lead people to believe I've been anything but a GREAT parent to our children??? How could you be so irresponsible and selfish and such an incredible A$$HOLE???"

As I defend myself, more and more, I begin to feel the energy to clean up the junk. At one point, I completely call Smokey on his shid. I really let him have it and it's all the TRUTH. Every piece of his crap that he has given ME, I GIVE IT BACK TO HIM.

I see D11 smile because she is proud of me. I see that this is what she needed to see from me all along. She NEEDED ME TO defend myself against this unfairness. But, I needed to do it TO SMOKEY.

I feel energized as I let him know how I really feel. How unfair it all is...I begin to clean up the junk and create a home. As I clean, I discover the "house" has three fireplaces. I discover the junk, a super cool designer couch that is brand new.

Smokey backs off and becomes the guy I thought I married. He becomes the old Smokey--actually, he becomes Matt, not Smokey. He is goofy and completely NON-THREATENING.

He decided to take D11 with him to the movies and I'm super ok with it because it's not Smokey, it's the real guy underneath. He comes out in these ridiculous juvenile/adolescent outfits and asks me what I think. I tell him the truth...I tell him he looks like a 50-yr-old guy trying to be a teenager. At one point, his hair dyed blonde and he's got this ridiculous scarf around his waist and he looks stupid. I tell him. I tell him how I really feel.

At the end of the dream, I am still partly invested in Matt coming home and being with us as a family in this cool house I have cleaned up. And, I recognize he did help some. This cool house we created. (In truth, we've spent a lot of years restoring this house we live in--it looked much like the house in my dreams when we started).

But, I'm also aware I'm ok and he may not come home. I'm aware of how damaged and hurt and sad he is. As he comes out in these dumb outfits, I can see the little boy struggling. I see a little boy.

And, in the dream, I'm still checking my eharmony and hoping the Forester will call. But, I fully acknowledge that I love Matt and wish he would come back to us all.

And, I feel capable of handling things. I feel empowered.

The end.

[LoisB]

Oh, and, at the end, I'm still wearing the old sweatshirt, I'm still a bit disheveled and, yet, I feel pretty. I feel powerful. I don't feel ashamed or like I have to hide from anyone because I'm not perfect! I feel like I'm beautiful and ...beautiful just as I am. Even though, he continues to come out in all these different outfits. Stupid outfits. Ridiculous outfits. I feel content and continue working on the tasks at hand. I think, at one point, I clean up a little??

[AJM]

I very much like the dream, the imagery and the way you tell it, Heather.



AJ

[LoisB]

Thank you AJ.

What's even funnier, I'm trying to remember all this stuff Smokey is doing in the dream. The spouting off, the dressing up, the flirting with me at one point...

I'm completely baffled by his behavior and I see how confused and troubled he is.

Anyway, I'm trying to remember because I want to ask Job what she thinks about it all. I want, in reality, is for her to tell me he is coming home. He is coming out of it.

You guys are in my dreams.

[LoisB]

But, I'm also aware, he isn't perfect and may not be the guy I want after all. So much in this dream!

I couldn't fall asleep until 4 a.m. I was tossing and turning about the inlaws gossip, money, divorce crud, etc...

Now, for today. It's 1:30 p.m. I need to rest and restore a bit today. My nerves are a little fried. I delegated the Yas prescription task to D19. She is calling the Doc and telling them our prescription plan has changed and can we get a few month's samples to get through until we can order another batch. I handled the tuition stuff already. The doc's appt is on Monday.

I need to make some decisions about this attorney stuff. I told my mom yesterday how I need an attorney. It will be interesting if she avoids me now because she doesn't want to face her own money/divorce issues. I'm going to go ahead and mail the legalaid paperwork so that is in place if I need it.

I will let the gossip go. I guess, in the long run, it tells me what sorta immature, naive, gossipy, back-stabbing people I was raised around. I'm letting it go because I don't really want my kids around people like this anyway and any comment on my part will push the issue.

They are ashamed of their own behavior and throwing me under the bus to justify. I guess we can see where Smokey gets it from. So sad. Two beautiful girls are being used to justify spiritual sickness and evil-spiritedness.

Back to the goals.

Long-Term Goals:

1. Earn at least $60,000 per year by 2019.
2. Be a buff, healthy woman at 125 pounds.
3. Have a new, reliable car I'm proud to drive.
4. GAL. Feel contentment with my life, travel,

TAKE JOY!

5. Give my kids the things and time they deserve. Like my own company.

[unbidden]

Wow, great goals. Can I borrow some?

[LoisB]

Absolutely!

I read this great book, "Getting Results for Dummies" by Mark McCormick. He wrote the "What You Don't Learn in Harvard Business School" books. I highly recommend the book for creating goals.

[LoisB]

Texted the Client again about the bounced check. I sent her a message this morning and received no response.

Strangely, I had a phone meeting with her husband this afternoon about the tech writing. He didn't mention a thing about it. I didn't say anything because I was a bit unsure how to handle this. I count on this family for two paychecks.

Anyway, said something to the nanny who confirmed that husband is usually out of the loop. In fact, he guilted me over missing an in person appointment which I missed, in part, because of the bounced check. I needed the money for gas and my checking account is now in the deficit.

So, I texted client and told her that I expected cash payment tomorrow. Still no response. I tried to be diplomatic and nice. I will add the service charge to next month's bill if she pays in cash tomorrow.

If I don't get any response, I will send an invoice tomorrow addressed to hubby with the information and service charge. What a pain.

[job]

Heather,
I think I would have had to say something to the husband about the bounced check, especially when he "guilted" you missing a meeting. The street goes both ways and quite frankly, he had absolutely no right to make you feel guilty for missing the meeting.

I wouldn't wait, I would send the invoice w/the service charge today. You've given her every opportunity to respond to you and she's not done it. I also would not accept her child back into my class until the account is settled up, i.e., payment in full which includes the service charged.

You have a business to run and you can't operate off bounced checks or no money coming in. Sorry, but I would not accept the child back into my home for tutoring until the account is settled up in cash. You have to be firm w/people or they will take advantage of you.

[LoisB]

Crap. I know you're right.

In other news. I actually sat down to write some sort of timeline intending that I could give it to an attorney. As I'm writing, I'm hurting, first off, remembering all this crud, but, I'm also seeing how you really can't backtrack, can you? I'm remembering insane things I did at the beginning. I can see how easily this can all become a tit for tat deal. I bring up this horrible thing he did, he brings up this horrible thing I did.

I need to face some of the stuff, because I don't want to carry it into another relationship, but I'm not sure it's necessary to rehash everything like I thought. I guess I thought, going through, point by point, would illuminate how unfairly I was treated. I'm not so sure now.

I will contact the husband of the client.

[AJM]

Can I also suggest you order that to put #4 ahead of the rest? I think you'll find if it does that, the rest takes care of itself

[LoisB]

Oh my Gosh AJ.

You know what? Until you said that, I was doing them in order. I didn't even realize it. I put the money thing first because it's the thing that scares me the most. Wow.

[Wonka]

Heather,

What an interesting dream scenario. Am I the goofy one in your dream? Go figure. I am in detention over in the Breakfast Club thread.

Yep, AJ is spot on about #4. Oh and what about your plans to join up local MeetUp events?

Job is absolutely correct that you've got start growing a backbone when it comes to running your own business. Take a look at Mary Kay! I doubt bounced checks paid for her pink Cadillac.

[LoisB]

Wonka, I have the Meetups website open as we speak. :-)

Job, I know the bounced check is going to bother you. I love you for that :-)

She is bringing me cash this morning. I added $60 service fee. I know that's somewhat larger than normal, but I figure the extra inconvenience of having to track her down and take some crap from them justifies it.

Smokey called me twice this week about bills. I hate to admit it, but it was nice to hear his voice. Strange for him to call me, and twice. I don't know, I guess the combination of the dream and the phone calls...keeping the expectations in check.

[LoisB]

I'm overwhelmed. There are so many groups.

Should I play Scrabble, volunteer or meet other singles? Wait. Writing. This was for writing.

[LoisB]

Client just dropped off the money. She completely threw the nanny under the bus. The nanny had forgotten to give me the check before I left for vacation. So, she gave it to me on Monday. Well, the check bounced on Monday and, according to the client, this is completely the nanny's fault.

Still, she brought the 3-month-old sheepdog puppy which they purchased for more than a $1,000. Not seeing how them NOT having the funds in their bank account is the nanny's fault???

It's such a shame because the nanny is doing a phenomenal job with this boy. The parents, not so much. Mom has broken her homework assignment. I gave the mom a homework assignment when we started...she is supposed to be cuddling the boy for 30 minutes each evening on the couch. She doesn't.

When I confronted her on this today, she blamed the boy.

This woman has issues. She is very charming and a bit sneaky. Loves to deflect responsibility. I feel badly for the boy. He is as cute as they come and he is thriving here.

[job]

I'm not surprised at the behavior of this woman...she is not to be trusted. Besides, if the check was still sitting, the funds should have been deducted from her account and it should not have bounced. I don't buy her bs story. Sorry...but she's a piece of work and I would insist on cash from this day forward.

As for her doing the homework assignment...again, it's someone else's fault that she's not hugging her own kid. The parents are toxic and they are making their environment toxic, not only for the kid, but the nanny and you as well. Their priorities are not in the right place and you can't feel sorry for the parents. If you do, you'll eventually be thrown under the bus as well.

On another note, of course the little boy is thriving at your place. You are working w/him and sharing your home life w/him. It's a stable environment.

[LoisB]

This is the part I hate Job. This is where I have to do what I can, but know that, ultimately, this mom is going to let this boy down. I have to watch while she hurts this really loving, kind boy who is only 9.

I guess I can focus on the fact that I'm giving him a safe place for now. It just stinks. The nanny is great too.

The nanny was confronted about the whole check debacle. The mom told her that she (the nanny) hurt the parents' credibility by forgetting to give me the check.

I told the nanny to stand up for herself. Tell the parents, "I will accept responsibility for forgetting, but I won't accept responsibility for your lack of funds in your bank account. That's on you."

The nanny refused to stand up to them.

It's a shame.

[LoisB]

I'm beginning to think that standing up for myself and shedding the shame is maybe the key to all of this for me. Being honest about who I am, without shame.

I think I'm carrying the shame of other people. Just like the nanny. That's not her shame. It's the mom. But, she is choosing to carry it. I do that too.

[job]

Yep, you and the nanny are the ones that are carrying the "shame" blame for others. Time to shed that coat of many colors and be yourself, for yourself. Own what is yours and let the rest go.

[ericmsant2]

"I'm begining to think standing up for myself...".

This ^^^^ is priceless.

<insert picture of Eric clapping and saying...you got this..keep digging".

[LoisB]

I'm paying D11 and her bestie to clean today. It's taking some weight off my shoulders.

I'm looking at the newest tech writing project and it's so all over the place. The mom client isn't the only one with issues here. The husband insists on these phone/in person meetings which accomplish nothing, waste of my time.

During the last phone conversation, it became clear how little he knows about freelance writing. He has hired a "journalist" to pull together tech information but needs me to rewrite what she sends??? Wha??

So, he promised to send me another project with clear instructions on deadline and what needs done. So, what do I have? I have a folder full of about 20 different files and NO notes on what is needing done.

I'm frustrated. I'm sorta sick of this entire family, with the exception of the 9-yr-old.

[Wonka]

Heather,

Regarding people's general ignorance of tech writing, you would want to keep them abreast of WHAT you're doing and explain WHY you are doing certain things. After all they've hired you for your expertise, right?

So, he promised to send me another project with clear instructions on deadline and what needs done. So, what do I have? I have a folder full of about 20 different files and NO notes on what is needing done.

Then call him ask him what are his expectations in regard to these 20 files. It will force him to think about this project.
If the person handing you a job does not have a clear set of expectations, then the project is set to fail. If I were you, I wouldn't do anything with these files until you get instructions from the guy giving you this gig.

What I've found is that emails are the best way to solicit clear guidance in regard to the outcome he's wanting in respect to these files. This way, he can't fudge or dodge his own responsibility for giving you clear instructions.

[LoisB]

That's funny. I just finished an email to him and, then, read your note.

These people are just very--all over the place. He doesn't have experience in tech writing. I think he fell into this because he works for Rockwell as an engineer.

I need to explore other gigs. I signed up for Meetups this morning. I will take a look at my crazy financial sitch and try to make the Society membership happen soon.

[AJM]

I guess I can focus on the fact that I'm giving him a safe place for now. It just stinks. The nanny is great too.

Remind me. You got into doing this kind of work when and why?

As for the tech writing and groups - tech writing is a business. You should always be looking for that next gig, even while starting the current gig. More is better in this case. Don't be afraid to get more gigs - it'll be a great story later

For the groups? Pick one or two, try it out and if it doesn't work, try a few more. If it sounds interesting, it might be or it might not be. That's part of the fun of the meetups. I've met some great people via meetups and still do when I have time to go to them. But several were not what I wanted along the way. No big deal - I came, I saw, I didn't go back. But I did learn and find some interesting people and groups to hang out with. That was priceless.

AJ

[LoisB]

Hi AJ!

I homeschooled our daughter on the Autism Spectrum after she couldn't mainstream. When Smokey left, I began tutoring other homeschooled kids. I have a real knack for it. Many of the kids, like my daughter, have social problems and need extra help because they don't do well in "normal" school settings.

My dad and his wife just dropped off D19. It was really nice of them to help out this week and I really appreciate how they made the surgeon shadowing a reality for D19. At the same time, what jerks!

I guess they were talking about a friend who was diagnosed three months ago with ALS. They said, "She really needs to stop whining and get on with it."

This gives you an idea of the people I was raised around. Their friend was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's and they expect her to "snap outta it." Really?

I'm really not judging here...but, it's important I begin to face the harshness of the people who have surrounded me. I need to handle these people better and continue surrounding myself with more accepting, loving people.

I'm so tired of the all the judgements. I wish I could say, Smokey's judging was something only from the MLC. It's not. It's what I know as normal. Maybe this is why I've always been so afraid of people.

[LoisB]

In other news, my dad gave me a check for $2,500 to pay D19's remaining tuition that Smokey refuses to pay. It comes out of an account my grandmother set up for D19. He, despite my telling him not to, made the check out to me.

I almost said something, but didn't.

[job]

Heather,
He made the check out to you to ensure that it gets paid and soon. It's one more stressor that you can check off your list.

I'm glad things turned out okay for your D19 while staying w/them.

There are some in this world that have been extremely lucky and not had a lot of health issues, but then, there comes a time when a major illness may enter the picture and that's when the "rubber meets the road" and we shall see how they deal w/it, i.e., especially when the shoe is on the other foot.

[LoisB]

I guess, I was just thinking maybe I should call the college and see if I could make other arrangements to pay and use the $2500 for an attorney?

[job]

No! This money was given to you to pay your daughter's tuition. If you need funds for an attorney, be honest w/your father and mother and tell them you need their assistance in the way of funds for an attorney. Don't lose your credibility w/them by not paying your daughter's tuition.

BTW, you've waited this long to get an attorney, you can wait a bit longer. You'll earn enough doing editing/report writing in a couple of week to retain a lawyer.

[LoisB]

I can't anyway. I checked and the full amount is due by April 7. Then, she can register for next year's classes.

[BrightFuture]

Heather, I’m trying to do the same, surround myself with loving people who don’t judge others. MLS is a horrible disease. My H’s Dad went through it, it was very painful to watch him slowly deteriorate. We only saw him a few times during that time, but it was heart breaking. I think that this is what started H’s MLC. H’s aunt, Dad’s sister, also had MLS. She was diagnosed a few years before H’s Dad, she passed away two months after H’s Dad died.

Now, there are some opinions in the family that H’s sister has it too. So, it is like it runs in the family. This why H was always talking about having only 10-15 years to live.

I agree with Job, you can wait for an attorney. And it is great that your Dad gave the money for the tuition. You and your daughters are forward along just fine.

[AJM]

I homeschooled our daughter on the Autism Spectrum after she couldn't mainstream. When Smokey left, I began tutoring other homeschooled kids.

And now you find you're good at it, have a knack for it, and it helps people who otherwise wouldn't get that help?

You are realizing that you are not willing to accept your dad's way of dealing with things? I read the part about the thought process etc. I think this may have been a thought dancing in your head for a while, right?

It's ok to be their daughter and do different. It's ok to tell them that you don't agree or don't like how they do things, even though you love them dearly. They may not like it, but it's ok.

Still sticking to that list, Heather? Being grateful goes along with being happy... I think being grateful your daughter has the money she needs to go to school should be on the list, don't you?

Peace,
AJ

[kml]

@BrightFuture -
There ARE genetic forms of ALS which are inherited in a dominant fashion - if genetic testing hasn't been done in your H's family, it should be.

[BrightFuture]

klm, thanks for the info. Yes, there was a lot of discussion in H’s family about this disease. They were told that it is extremely rare for two siblings to get it, even if it is genetic. The thing is that they are all scared as he!! to even admit that they are scared. I don’t think that any of them are brave enough to do the testing, they would rather just ignore it, especially the guys in the family. I think that the idea that their sister might have it gives them a hope that it is not one of them.

H is kind of preparing himself for the worst and says is that he is probably not going to live for longer than 10-15 years, and this why he wants everything he can get out of life now and be happy. It doesn’t seem quite working for him yet.


Sorry for a little high jacking your thread, Heather.

[kml]

@brightfuture -

Celiac disease can cause something that looks just like ALS, and is reversible on a gluten-free diet. They should at least be tested for that.

AJNR Am J Neuroradiol. 2010 May;31(5):880-1. doi: 10.3174/ajnr.A1826. Epub 2009 Nov 12.
White matter lesions suggestive of amyotrophic lateral sclerosis attributed to celiac disease.
Brown KJ1, Jewells V, Herfarth H, Castillo M.
Author information
Abstract

CD is an autoimmune-mediated disorder of the gastrointestinal tract. Initial symptom presentation is variable and can include neurologic manifestations that may comprise ataxia, neuropathy, dizziness, epilepsy, and cortical calcifications rather than gastrointestinal-hindering diagnosis and management. We present a case of a young man with progressive neurologic symptoms and brain MR imaging findings worrisome for ALS. During the diagnostic work-up, endomysium antibodies were discovered, and CD was confirmed by upper gastrointestinal endoscopy with duodenal biopsies. MR imaging findings suggestive of ALS improved after gluten-free diet institution.

[BrightFuture]

klm, thanks. I appreciate the information. At least I will know where to look in case my H will think that he has some symptoms. As for his Dad and aunt, the MLS was confirmed by multiple doctors and they had very clear signs. His aunt was on oxygen for a few years, and his Dad gradually lost his arms muscles and it was very hard for him to swallow. As for the sister, she could have the CD, she has some epilepsy episodes. It could be anything though, she has been on medications for years (anxiety, depression, pain killers, you name it) and doesn’t cook at home, so she eats junk. She effectively removed me from her life after she learned about H leaving, so I don’t have any contact with her. And I don’t want to.

[LoisB]

No worries about the hijack. I'm glad you are putting some pieces into place. I know I'd be very scared to have a family history of ALS.

I still can't believe my dad said that. Ugh.

I just needed to journal.

My skin is breaking out. I think it's because of stress.

I feel like I have all these voices swimming around in my head. I hear all these people I was raised around, the gossips who have been spreading their assumptions based on my inlaws' spin. I hear H's spin, I hear my mom, I hear my dad... Everyone is talking at once and each has an opinion about what I've done wrong, what I SHOULD do, what I SHOULD HAVE DONE, where I screwed up...Like I have my own moral majority in my head and everyone has this strong opinion about MY LIFE.

I read through some past threads of mine today. I guess I needed to get a sense of what I've been through, from my OWN perspective. I saw a strong woman who handled things better than I expected and who desperately wanted her husband to come to his senses. I read about this woman who seemed like a different person, a woman who spun out of control easily whenever Smokey went dark, most likely because she was still in shock over his bomb drop and other surprises she had discovered over a short period. I can see it now, in hindsight, the post trauma of it all.

Yesterday, D19 was telling me how she doesn't see herself ever marrying and how she doesn't feel it is a viable institution anymore. I tried to defend marriage, but she wouldn't have any of it. She called my defenses "crap" and alluded to me still having denial about my own marriage. Maybe she is right. This isn't what I wanted for my daughters.

In what world is it ok that he goes and commits adultery, humiliates us, disrespects his children, his wife, our marriage, lies over lies, abandons his kids and, still, the town gossip is that I TURNED OUR KIDS AWAY FROM HIM?

That is burning me up inside.

I've always been quiet Heather who never told Smokey's secrets. I was the good little alcoholic wife. I kept my mouth shut, even when he was cruel to me. I feel so enraged by this latest turn of events and I can't seem to let it go.

I want fairness for me and my girls. We've tolerated so much. I want fairness.

[Wonka]

Heather,

I feel for you. This may be your life lesson in learning to ignore all the external chatter and be real grounded & centered within your true self.

What is "fairness" in this to you? What does that look like to you? It is a relative term depending on a person's perspective and angle.

[LoisB]

Wonka, friend, do you think it's ever important...for someone like myself who has always kept my mouth shut while people act stupid and use me as a doormat...do you think it's important for me to stick up for myself by telling my truth?

[Wonka]

Heather,

Know the saying about people who protest too much? Natch.

That's my main point here.

However, if your Mom or Dad say hurtful things to your face, then you can pipe up and speak your mind on the spot. When it comes to "he said, she said" about you and Smokey, why bother? Why is it so important to "correct" the record, Heather, when it comes to your marriage?

Smokey is a broken man caught up in his own addictions and is actively re-writing the marital history to suit his OWN need to come out smelling like roses. Frankly...people are going to see through it sooner or later. Bide your time here. Shut it and go about your own business. The focus should be finding a way to support yourself financially.

[Ab Fab]

Dear Heather

I hate the unfairness of it all too, I am sure we all do.

However, I think in the long term the best thing that you can do right now, as far as the gossip is concerned, is nothing.

What you should do is continue to bring up your daughters in the best way possible, to be like the great person you are, continue with your home schooling and writing, and have a great life. At some point these people will then look at you and see all the good and realise they quite frankly got It wrong!

Probably just like Smokey will in the dim and distant future.

don't waste your energy on this ( I know its really hard to ignore) put it into something that will make you feel better.

Have a great day.

[beatrice]

Hi don't know if it helps but my son at 19 (post his father's departure) ranted on thus about marriage. He is getting married this summer!! to a fabulous girl.

I think we live our truth, not protest it!!Some of our feelings of being undefended is that we had no 'say' in our spouses decision to leave. It left us feeling traumatised and disempowered. But now - I speak out if it seems appropriate, my business to do so, and it might make a difference, now or later. Otherwise I tend to keep silent.

The other point I would make is understanding the extent to which we own our past or it owns us.

I would say that until recently I was largely 'owned' by my past. Now I feel more as if I own it, I am in charge of myself, insofar as that is possible, and I can view the past as something that happened.

I think I have posted before that I think you might get help from reflecting on Transactional analysis to deal with some of the voices, and/or construct a roleset or cast of characters that inhabit your head space, and which ones get most say, which ones you would like to shut up and which ones you would like to hear more from! It is quite fun to do.

It is a journey that we are all on, and the nearer the 'end' I get the more grateful I am for the journey - not that it is the end, just another stage on the journey

Another tool which I think Wonka recommended is Byron Katie'w work - especially the focuc on my business, your business and God's business. It helps us to place the focus where we need to! Sorry if that seems like a lot of recommendations.

[LoisB]

Thank you Bea. I especially loved the part about your son. ;-) I feel happy hearing that.

I feel so badly that she didn't have the Dad she needed. He was never there for her. She calls him on his B.S.--and he has a lot of it!--and he can't stand that she forces him to face himself. So, he avoids her.

[LoisB]

I sent this to my FIL today. I know that not all of you will understand my motives, but it was important to me to speak up for my truth and for my girls.

My FIL is a lawyer and the former domestic relations judge. He was the best man at my parents' wedding. He has known me my whole life. I know that some part of him knows his son is very messed up.

The family system I've been a part of for these nearly 25 years is one built on denial, judgement and secrets. This is me spilling the family secrets. I'm not keeping Smokey's problems a secret anymore, not even from them.

Granted, it may not and probably won't change anything. But, in the long run, I will know that I spoke up and asked for their help. If they choose not to give it, I will survive. I also know that I probably set myself up for some harsh feedback from them. That's ok too. Like I said in my letter, I have messages to back up everything I put out there. I know it's the truth. And, I spoke it out loud.

Hello,

H has informed me that you are representing him in the dissolution/divorce. I don't have an attorney yet. I am filling out an application for LegalAid. In the meantime, I just wanted to clarify a few things. It seems as if there are some misunderstandings again. I've pasted a timeline of recent events below.

In part, I was hoping you could see the pattern of inconsistency I need to address. I can see that H, to his credit, has tried to put things right with the mortgage since January, but we are still far from having things steady and reliable.

You and MIL are more than welcome to visit the girls whenever you like. I wish you would contact me as opposed to getting information elsewhere. If there were family events you wanted the girls to attend, I haven't been made aware. H made no mention of any Christmas or other event where the girls were invited. D19 has been under the impression you didn't want to see her.

The girls love their father very much and have wanted nothing more than to have a relationship with him. It hasn't been the girls who have shown inconsistency or lack of interest. Now, they've reached a point where they have become very frustrated and tired of their dad's behavior.

Both girls are doing really well in school and otherwise. H has been a very elusive, inconsistent presence in their lives. He seems genuinely surprised at their legitimate anger towards him.

I have kept my mouth shut and put my energy into my job and my kids. I'm not speaking about you, MIL or H to anyone. I'm angry and hurt you would choose to use my relationship with my dad to justify things out of my control.

We happened to run into Stepdad who informed me, in front of D11, how you and MIL had told mutual friend that I was keeping the girls away from H.

I will always love your son. I think he is a good man who has made some terrible decisions. I accept that he has done what he felt he had to do for whatever reason. His life is his business.

I don't want to be married to him anymore, but I wish him the best. I hope he finds the happiness he is seeking. I also see that I'm a much stronger and better person when I'm not in a relationship with him. I'm not perfect and wasn't perfect in our marriage. The girls and I, however, never deserved the treatment we've received in the past two years. Still, both girls have discovered their own strengths, as have I.

In regards to D19: She is furious with her father. And, like her father, she is very bright, passionate, strong-willed, stubborn and sometimes out-of-line. As her mother, I hope she learns to tame her passion, but I love her just the same. She has felt very hurt by your choosing to remain on the sidelines of her life. I think it's unrealistic to expect a 19-yr-old to call her grandmother regularly. But, that's my opinion. I certainly don't think it calls for gossip, analysis and the other. She is 19. I think you gave H many concessions when he was 19 and I'm confused why D19 doesn't receive the same treatment. But, that's my opinion.

D19 is thriving in school. She is holding office with her sorority and on Panhellenic Council. It's been 25 years since a freshman held this particular office. She has straight A's this semester. She is considering medical school for surgery. Turns out her big ego and big personality are well-suited to surgery. She shadowed two surgeons over spring break.

D11 is doing well in school and is almost unrecognizable. She has grown taller than D19. She has long blonde hair and a loud personality of her own. She has four besties and rarely spends a day without visiting one of her friends or having a friend over. She is busy and laughing and still in love with One Direction. I'm thrilled with her progress socially and academically. We will be walking in the Autism Speaks 5K in June.

I recently received this email from H:

ive spoken with my dad. this is my final proposal.im willing to give 4 more years, ontop of the 2 ive already paid, on the house payment 700.00 a month x 48 months =33600. you can keep the house but it must be out of my name within two months of the final payment made by me .all equity and property value gains are yours to keep. your buyout would be whatever is left on the loan. all home furnishingsare yours to keep. i didnt abandon anything. i would like my tools. ill make up a good box for you. i want the two outboard motors and thier fuel tanks. they were my grandfathers. my old steel trucks in the garage also. D11's support of 500 a month until she is 18.if you cant agree to this imgoing to have to file for divorce . the house will need to be sold unless you can afford to buy me out now. debt from the sale would be split between us. i believe along with everybody else the you are capable of earning much more than you do.hell you got to finish your education even got to
further it a little extra too. D11 needs to be tested again to prove her disability. you can then file for disability for her. i will cover D11's medical ,dental and vision insurance. thats it .

I'm willing to discuss all of the items, but in the meantime:

Child Support: I'm asking for $600 in child support. H's lack of co-parenting is leading me to ask for a bit more than what comes up in the formula. He lives an hour away, so even in the best of circumstances, I don't see him participating frequently in D11's life. In addition, as she gets older, I will be required to drive her more and more, and more (as I'm seeing). I have been left with the vehicle that's not as reliable as his vehicle. And, this extra will help me get a more reliable vehicle.

Spousal Support: I would like to know D11 can live in her home until she graduates from high school. This is my main concern. Could we make an arrangement where H pays $700 in spousal support for five years and I take over the payments for the remaining three years, until D11 graduates? At this point, I'd like the option to buy H out or sell and divide. I didn't choose for things to be as they are for the past two years. I repeatedly asked H to take some action. He didn't. This home is very important to D11 and I don't want her to have to deal with another change, especially short of her high school graduation.

Insurance: I want both girls covered on his health insurance. I also would like to remain on his insurance until the dissolution/divorce is final.

Retirement: I know H is vehement that he doesn't want me to touch his retirement. I would like a percentage of his retirement. I'm willing, however, to negotiate the percentage. If he is unwilling to do this, I'm willing to consider a buyout if he provides a valuation of the amount expected when he retires.

Tools: If H makes a list of the tools, I will look at it. Quite a bit of the tools are from my family and those I would like to keep.

I realize there are other issues to discuss, but these are the items I need addressed first.

I don't believe in divorce. My experience as a kid lead me to desperately work to avoid this outcome for our kids. I will never see adultery and divorce as a solution. I think H's choices have made things infinitely more complicated. And, the text messages I sent H over the past few years show my feelings of desperation and hope that we could figure out another way through this mess. At the same time, what happened in our marriage is between H and I.

I will never stand in the way of a relationship between the kids and H. I will, however, operate with some caution. I've learned to be wary and cautious of the things H tells me and if I sense him adjusting the truth to his purposes, I will step in if I believe it will harm D11. When it comes to D11, and money for that matter, in my dealings with H...I'm learning that I need him to use clarity in his intentions.

You should be very proud of your granddaughters. They have risen to the this sad occasion. They will be fine and then some. If you want to spend a weekday at the house, experiencing D11's life, you are welcome. When the gossip circulates, it discredits how hard these girls have worked to put themselves back together.

Now, I'm seeing the children will be ok and so will I. I wish it wasn't like this, but I accept it. All I want now is some peaceful resolution so we can get on with our lives.

I'm asking for your help in finding this resolution.

Please respond via email. I need to document all of this.

Much Love,

Heather


*While I would prefer we didn’t pull up text messages to support the experience the girls and I have had in the past two years, I will agree if it will help create a resolution. I can provide bank documents to back up the financials. And, please note, when I say he hasn't seen the girls for such and such a time, please understand he doesn't contact them and ask them. He simply doesn't show any interest.


And, for the record, I do believe H when he says the mortgage issues were bank related. But, I still need to point it out because it causes me unneeded stress to have to worry about this stuff when he says it is handled. And he deposit figures always seem to change and the deposit dates are never when he says they will be.


August-October 2013

I discover, in August, 2013, H cashed out the deferred comp., and paid off his truck ($3000) and took OW on vacation and invited her to move into his apartment. I don’t see any of the money from the sale of the CJ. I wasn’t aware of the deferred comp. cash out in July.


He is behind on support and paid me a total of $275 in July. In February, his contribution was a little more than $600. He owes me $1,000 which I lent him in February to make a deposit on his apartment.


End of July, I add the amount owed for support, D19’s graduation expenses, Prom and college expenses and send it to H. The amount is more than $6,500 for the months between February and July. His support payments are inconsistent in time and amount through March, 2014.


He hasn’t seen D11 for more than 4 hours total in 4 months of June, July, August and September of 2013. He saw D19 on June 24, 2013 and, then, in November.


In September, 2013, he sent me $3,000 of the deferred comp to help with the back money he owes me when he realized I’m behind in the mortgage. I told him in February, March, April, May, June, 2013-March, 2014 how the lack and inconsistency of his financial support required some discussion because I was in trouble.


In October, 2013, I ask if he will send the remaining deferred comp. money to D19 to help pay for spring tuition. He agrees. My family paid for fall tuition. I’ve been paying for all extras (sorority, extra food, driving her back and forth). H agrees to pay for spring 2014 tuition and calls SRU financial aid to discuss payment plan options.


In October, 2013, I suggest visitation and ask for a set visitation schedule. I do this because of H’s inconsistent appearances/contact with both girls. When we agree on visitation, I clarify that I expect him to keep to the visitation schedule for the sake of D11. He agrees and agrees he has been lacking when it comes to making visiting her a priority. He doesn’t begin visitation until November, despite my scheduling in October.


January 18, 2014

H visits both girls, while D19 was home for break. H did not speak while the girls were in the room and was visibly uncomfortable around them. He left the girls and came knocking on the closed door to the room where I was. He then left after only 45 minutes. Honestly, I’m not sure what happened.


January 22, 2014

I tell H about a housing deposit due for SRU. He refuses to pay. D19 calls him. There was an argument because H refused to pay and D19 brought up his paying for his girlfriend to go on a vacation over summer but will not provide for his daughter. D19 hung up and H called her back telling her to be more respectful of her elders. D19 loses control and hangs up on him.

He makes a $200 deposit shortly after I tell him that I paid the housing deposit. I thank him.


January 23, 2014

I ask if H wants updates on the girls. He says that he does.

I tell him that I bought parkas for both girls, bought two textbooks and purchased a $200 prescription for D19’s acne. I’m not given any money for any of the above.


H seems angry about the alleged “silent treatment” from his last visit and the phone conversation with D19. He refuses to pay for anything else relating to D19.


I try to engage in some conversation about the girls and tell H how I understand why he would feel angry. He doesn’t continue the conversation. H doesn’t express any interest in discussing the issue further.


January 31, 2014
H cancels visitation with D11.


February 7, 2014

Give H an update on D11. No response.


February 14, 2014

H texts D11 and asks if she wants him to visit. She says, “No.” She tells me of the conversation later.

Me: D11 just told me about your earlier conversation. I’m not sure what I think or feel? I told her I was disappointed with how she handled it and I was sad she wouldn’t see her dad.


She knew I was upset with how she talked to H and came and apologized to me.…but, she said, “It’s how I feel and he’s hurt my feelings a lot too.” I haven’t a clue as to how to handle this situation. If you have suggestions, let me know.


Later, D11 explains she was upset because she received an “out of the blue” text. She didn’t notice the text and, while she was responding, D11 said she received another text from H saying, “I’ll take your silence as a No.”


I tried to communicate with him about this particular issue: No response.

For the record, D11 has a hard time responding in a timely fashion. It takes her a bit to formulate what she wants to say and then spell it.


February 18, 2014

Me: Will you be making any deposits this week?

H: Yes, house payment and prob a couple hundred.

Me: I need exact figures/times and that’s well below what we agreed upon.
H: I will be making the house payment along with a couple hundred of the child support and the rest of the money will come in the last check of the month.


February 21, 2014

H: The mortgage will be paid Monday along with a $200 deposit into checking. I get paid again on Friday and will have the remaining $600 of Louisa’s support for February then.


February 24, 2014

I send an email listing the items I’m asking for in a dissolution. I ask that we begin negotiating terms. H gives me an ultimatum on what he will pay and threatens divorce.


Friday, February 28, 2014

H: I will be over tomorrow around twelve to pick up Louie and take her to lunch. You can give me the tax info when I bring her back.
Me: Could we maybe build up to that? Um, you haven’t seen her in over a month. She already asked if I could stay in the room when you visit.
H: No, not her choice. Judge won’t let her decide either.
Me: H, please don’t put her in this position. She is doing really well. She doesn’t know you. Let her get to know you again. Be consistent.

I will stay in the bedroom. She has been through so much. If this is about the support payments, we can negotiate, but don’t force this, you will push her away like D19.

I know you want to reconnect with D11 and I want that too. I do. But, maybe come, see how things go and then ask if she wants to go to lunch. It will take time to rebuild, please allow her that time.

H came for the visit and didn’t bring up lunch. The visit went well.

Me: That was very kind what you did for D11 today. And thanks for fixing the closet door.


March 1, 2014

Me: Did you make a deposit yet?

H: No, not yet. You promised $600 more for February. I’m counting on that money. So is D11.

No response.


March 3, 2014

H: You need to call Edison and have the account switched to your name by Friday. They will send the bill with the balance to me and you can start at zero balance then. Deposit of $300 on Thursday.

H never made a $600 deposit but, instead, assumed the electric bill debt without my knowledge and closed down the electric account.


March 7, 2014

No deposit yet, I asks H

Me: Did you make the deposit?

H: Yes


March 18, 2014

I receive a phone call from the mortgage company saying the mortgage is 3 months behind. I ask H and he says something happened with BillPay. Still no deposit. He calls me and tells me there is some bank problems and promises the mortgage has been paid through April. He also says I will get more than a $300 deposit.


He asks me to contact the mortgage company and tell them to call him. I tell him to call the mortgage company.


March 19, 2014

$300 deposit is made.


March 22

H cancelled his visitation with D11.

[kml]

DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DON'T NEGOTIATE UNTIL YOU SEE A LAWYER AND KNOW WHAT YOUR RIGHTS ARE!

Let's just say, for the sake of argument, that you are entitle to 50% of his retirement, and you just negotiated away $50,000 of that. Is that a smart move? No!

Seriously - beg or borrow the money for an attorney, but see one ASAP. Trust me, the amount of money you stand to lose through stupidly trying to do this yourself is WAAAYYYY more than the cost of an attorney.

[LoisB]

K,

Tell me how I made things worse exactly?

I haven't signed a gd thing.

I have seen lawyers. I know what my rights are and for the umpteenth time, I'm not signing ANYTHING without having an attorney look at it.

[job]

Well, I have to say is wow! Well, you definitely have said what's on your mind, but I think I would have just advised them of the situation and not shared all of the communications that you've had w/your h. I would not have shared what you would like to have in the way of support for you and your daughters at this time. I would have waited and allowed legal aid to drop your requests in their laps.

This man is not just your father-in-law, but he's going to be representing your h. He is not going to be looking out for the best interests of you or your daughters, but his son. Please do not share any more information w/him about what you would like or not like to have at this time. When things are put in writing, it's difficult to take it back.

I know, you have your reasons for doing what you did, but do not discuss it w/him again as he is representing his son, not you and I honestly don't think he's got your best interests in this at all. If anything, he'll try to get things reduced to a lower $$$ because it's his son.

Be careful when doing stuff like this as it can come back to bite you, especially if the in-laws are as bad as you have stated in previous postings.

[LoisB]

See, the thing about them that you guys don't know is that they are mortified at their son's behavior and want this to all go away like a bad dream. The last thing they want is for me to go to LegalAid and bring all this out into the open.

I'm sure they are already sick over the fact I spoke with local attorneys. If they were forced to choose between public humiliation and H, they would throw him under the bus in a heart beat. I've seen it. Time and time again.

That's why all the talk about me not allowing the kids to see H, they think it will deflect the stuff about his drug use and skank. It won't, but it's their logic.

Of all the people in the world, this is the group of people I've been the most afraid of, my whole life.

I think I actually feel a bit freer because I, finally, after years of them throwing me under the bus...I finally spoke up. I didn't pretend like it was all ok with me for them to discredit me and the kids.

I spoke up. I spoke up to the people who scare me. The people who have planted their voices in my head for the last 20 years, telling me I was somehow deserving of how H treated me because I didn't earn enough.

Truthfully, the formula for child support puts me at $500. If I get $525, I can work with that.

Spousal support, according to two attorneys, would be $700. I'm not deviating on that one.

And, as far as retirement, I said a percentage. I didn't say half, I didn't say 25 percent...I said a percentage or a pay off.

I spoke up to the bastards and told them, point by point, what's really been going on. I've sent their little, gossipy lips a talkin. Let's see how much they want me to go away before the rest of the town catches wind of who they really are.

I told the truth.

[job]

I hope you are right. I don't want to see you screwed over, but I wouldn't discuss anything more w/them. If you want to discuss money, get legal aid involved.

[LoisB]

Ok.

[job]

Heather,
I see you left out the part where their father came to visit and they got on his case. That should have been in the documentation because that is the day he came, was uncomfortable and then your daughters treated him in a not too respectful manner. That was just before your daughter needed money and he advised you that he wasn't obligated to pay for her college expenses.

If you are going to fill them in on things, you need to include all of it because their son will tell them exactly what happened and that you knew about it. Be honest always because conveniently omitting things will come back to haunt you and make you look like you are deliberately hiding things from others.

I'm not smacking you w/2X4's, but just pointing out that if you are going to spew forth evidence, make sure all the facts are out there, as there are two sides to every coin and story and most likely, they will take his side, i.e., blood is thicker than water.

[LoisB]

You're right. I didn't. I should have. Honestly, I didn't know what to add and what to leave out. But, I should have added that day.

[LoisB]

I felt very low last night. Dangerously low.

My mom, who has been encouraging me to tell my inlaws the truth for months, was upset and critical about my email.

I dreamt about H and OW. In the dream, there was the possibility he got her pregnant.

I don't have students today and I'm glad.

The house is quiet and I can hear the redwing blackbirds who are back for spring.

We have a fox who had a litter living under the neighbors shed. I believe she is the one who ate the chickens. These little pups come out to play and it's so funny to watch.

I think the Mama is having a hard time finding food because we keep seeing her out foraging in the daytime.

Last night, D11 and I took some left over chicken out and put it about 10 feet from the babies. The mama ran away but all the babies stuck their fluffy heads out to see what was going on. Cutest little guys ever!

I'll get through this, I'm just a little blown away by all the money issues of late.

I feel like I took a step in the direction of getting the financial pressure straightened out, but maybe I made it worse. I don't know anymore.

After, I felt freer and proud of myself for sticking up for myself. Then, the criticism started up and I second-guessed.

You have no idea how long these people have had this coming.

[job]

Hi Heather,
I knew something was up when you disappeared for a couple of days. You have a pattern of doing this, so I wasn't totally surprised by what you posted to your in-laws.

Yes, I can understand you feeling very low right now. Why? Because you thought you were doing the right thing by emailing them. Your mother should have known better than to encourage you to contact them and defend your position. If she felt that strongly about it, she should have assisted you in writing your email, but that's now water under the bridge.

I would leave the situation along and if your in-laws respond, think about your response for a while before responding in a knee jerk reaction. You have to be extremely careful what you put in writing if you are hoping to get a good settlement when everything is said and done. No more discussing what you would like to have, etc., without a lawyer or a legal aid representative by your side.

I'm sure you are looking forward to spring. We had snow again on Monday and Mother Nature is hanging on tightly to old man winter, but I do think spring is around the corner. The robins and blue birds are singing and the bunnies are out playing here this morning.

Why not try to get some photos of the baby foxes and put them on your web page? Be careful and try not to get too close. I believe foxes are very protective of their young and they also can carry rabies. You and your daughter will enjoy watching them as they grow and come out to play.

Try to enjoy your day. Continue to look forward.

[LoisB]

This may seem whiney, but as we were driving down to North Carolina...my mom mentions to me how she has about $800,000 sitting in various accounts that she can't touch because it's still marital and she hasn't taken any action to divorce.

And, she pushes me to let the inlaws know about everything.

I'm just so tired. Of all of this.

I took a walk with a friend yesterday and she mentioned a friend she has in Florida who is 52. Her husband died two years ago and she has begun to date. I thought to myself, I'm jealous. Isn't that sick. I was jealous because this woman's husband DIED, as opposed to causing her more and more grief like a bad rash. She was free and it didn't entail all this humiliation and sh!t. Just plain ol' grief.

How come some people get that? How come I didn't? How come I got this hand of cards? My H is questioning D11's autism after years of me working my a$$ off to get her to where she is now? Addiction, Affair, financial issues...I don't get it.

[LoisB]

Why is my life so dramatic? Is it me?

[job]

To be honest, there are times when you are your own worse enemy. A lot of your drama is because you tend to have knee jerk reactions and panic entirely too quickly. You have to learn to look at bigger picture and then break it down into smaller bites in order to deal w/it.

I can understand your being jealous of the woman who lost her husband because you are looking at the fact that she's not dealing w/the fallout of a husband who walked away and she's started dating. Was it a terminal illness that her deceased husband had? If so, she may have had plenty of time to grieve the loss before he passed away, but you don't know what the entire story is. She may be rebounding and can't or doesn't want to be by herself, so she's dating already. You are forgetting a couple of things, i.e., she is still dealing w/grief and the fallout of settling up his affairs. I wouldn't envy her except for the closure she had.

As for your mother, it's her fault that she's sitting on that amount of money and not filing for divorce. I wouldn't feel sorry for her and she really should practice what she preaches a bit more instead of finding fault for what you are doing.

Now about your daughter's situation. Just because he's advising you that she may need to be tested doesn't mean he questions her condition. It may mean that he's thinking that she may be able to get some benefits right now due to her condition. I think you need to look into this for yourself. She may be entitled to some medical, as well as support money, from the state. It's worth the time to check into it. Try not to be so defensive about this because it may very well benefit her to have testing done to receive benefits.

You have been wearing the coat of many colors, a coat that has become very heavy w/carrying all of the baggage of others. It's spring, shed the coat and learn to tune others out, especially if the fallout is not something that you need to initiate.

Learn not to panic or over react when the bills come in. You know that you have bills that will require paying, so watch your pennies a bit more and start putting money aside for those bills and pay them as they come in. That way, you aren't juggling funds to see who you can pay, etc. In other words, don't rob Peter to pay Paul, i.e., like you were thinking of doing w/your daughter's tuition money just recently. Even if you were to put a few dollars aside each week, they will begin to add up and you can then finally get one of those home projects done w/o worrying about where the funds would come from.

[job]

Heather,
Please keep in mind that you have lessons to learn and even though we are looking in from the outside and can often see that some of the steps you are taking may very well be incorrect, ultimately, it is up to you if you want to heed the warnings, i.e., advice, suggestions, etc., and learn from what we offer up or continue hitting the brick wall periodically.

However, you will learn the lessons at some point because you will get tired of hitting that brick wall. The question is...how many times will you hit that brick wall and then will try something different?

[LoisB]

Thank you both.

GM, your post made me feel better. I have lots to feel grateful for.

Job, I do cause myself harm. I see that. I have a tendency to make things worse. I can see how this may be one of those times. But, I'm still not sure.

I know that when Smokey does his alcoholic hurricane dance, I tend to jump and take some action when it isn't necessarily MY ACTION to take. At the same time, I also will continue on a relentless treadmill long after I realize I'm not going anywhere--simply because I'm afraid to rock the boat.

I spin or get depleted and try to do EVERYTHING alone and, then, I crash. In the last month, I felt like each time I'd stand up, I'd be hit with another club (bill, bounced client check, mortgage phone call, no deposit when it was promised, tuition issue, D19 issue, client issue, electric bill issue, car issue, etc...)

What occurred to me this morning: As a child, I was expected to go it alone. I was expected to take care of myself during times when it would have been considered neglect and abuse to have a child go it alone. I knew I was alone and I was terrified of the world, but I did it because that's what was expected of me.

It's curious to me, that in adulthood, I'm constantly in a position where I feel I have to ask my parents for help. I see myself reconciling some past hurt.

Ok. If I were Heather's friend, what would I advise?

Here's what I think:

Heather, you've been under enormous pressure and something had to give. The damn broke.

I know you wanted to hire a good attorney, give this information to the attorney and have the attorney handle it. I see that.

But, you knew you'd have to wait months for this to happen and the idea of this financial uncertainty continuing and having to handle Smokey alone was too much. You knew you couldn't count on your parents to help and you did what you could to gain some stability with the finances. If nothing else, there's a strong possibility your FIL will work to insure Smokey will pay when expected and give you a fair amount.

And, that means, the days of reminding Smokey of the support owed and the timely receipt may be over.

You can ask that a temporary order of support can be placed by FIL. He knows his son is troubled. He may be steeped in denial, but he is also fair.

This is a trend in your relationship with Smokey. You always took on everything he was unable or unwilling to handle, and this was ALOT. Your inlaws always supported this dynamic by babying him, justifying his bad behavior and ignoring his problems.

In some ways, sending this email is one of the healthiest things you've ever done. I don't see it as the worst thing in the world. You took a whole bunch of the pressure you have been carrying and gave some of it back to the people who SHOULD be helping you. Will they help? Hard to say.

But, at the very least, it gave them pause to think about your circumstances and acknowledge there is another side to this messed up story. You stood up for your children in a very unhealthy family dynamic. You rocked the boat at a time when they were blaming you for it sinking.

Was it too long? Probably. Did you mention unnecessary things? Yes. But, that's not the point. The point is, YOU SAID SOMETHING. Instead of allowing the family gossip to continue, you confronted it and told the truth.

You have nothing to be afraid of here. You are an amazing, strong woman and you handling things.

I know you want to stand on your own two feet, but you have to ask for help. You are running on empty. And, the financials must have some stability and reliability in order for you maintain the calm life you want and have begun.

[LoisB]

What if what you guys see as a me hitting the brick wall, is really me busting through it?

[LoisB]

I know that when Smokey does his alcoholic hurricane dance, I tend to jump and take some action when it isn't necessarily MY ACTION to take. At the same time, I also will continue on a relentless treadmill long after I realize I'm not going anywhere--simply because I'm afraid to rock the boat.

The action I normally take is too shut up and handle it, stuff the pressure/tension/frustration, just handle it. I may b!tch, but I don't DO anything.

Holy Sh!d. I get it.

I gave them warning. That's what this was. I didn't know it until now. The fear of mailing the support app?? It's gone!!

Sometimes, even I don't know why I do things the way that I do them...until later, after I digest stuff.

I gave them warning. I told them the truth. I told them what's been happening and they have the choice to help or not.

I needed to stand up to these people, just like I needed to join eharmony. I needed to do this. How they respond is up to them. I told them the truth.

I told them MY experience of their son's behavior. Instead of allowing Smokey to spin his antics, I gave them the impression we have from this side of the story. It's a real shame if they choose to ignore it, but it's the truth.

[Wonka]

Heather,

You've been receiving excellent support here.


What if what you guys see as a me hitting the brick wall, is really me busting through it?

Sometimes you don't need to hit the brick wall, but walk around it. That is how you remove yourself from drama.

[LoisB]

What if it feels like it is surrounding you and there's no other way out?

But, I see what you are saying. I needed to release some of this pressure and I did. I see, however, that I cannot allow it to build like this again. I need to handle things differently in the future.

Should I wait for a response or go ahead and mail the support application?

[job]

Mail the support application. You've been sitting on this entirely too long. Don't wait for a response because you may not get one. Actions speak louder than words. Mail it!

[Portia]

Heather,

I think we all wonder at times why it seems that we can't handle our own lives. Like looking at the sink and not being entirely sure how long that pot has been sitting in there and why can't I just seem to wash it?

And then I remember that life isn't fair, things could always be worse and while that does not give me any comfort at all, that thought does seem to get me off my butt and get the pot washed. (There is something about pots that I hate washing).

Feeling overwhelmed intensifies the feeling that life is full of drama.

With regard to the email that you sent to FIL, did stating your position make you feel any better? Leave aside the criticism for now - how do you feel about getting your side out there? If you don't feel better, you can remind yourself of that should you ever feel the urge again.

On a very practical note, I understand that FIL is acting as your H's legal representative. For that reason alone, you will have to restrain yourself from those types of emails in the future. You may unintentionally do some serious damage to your case and protection. FIL is obligated to act in his son's best interest, not yours. If FIL is so disgusted at H, he should have refused to represent him.

FWIW, I don't think you did anything incredibly damaging with your email and what's done is done. You have said your piece, not agreed to anything explicitly and it's done.

Cut the drama, and until this bit is settled, you can leave the in-laws drama to them. Let 'em drown in it.

Sending you strength....

[LoisB]

Thanks to everyone for the support today.

I really appreciate it. I didn't receive any replies.

I have PMDD. I have taken a combination of Prozac and Yaz to control it for the past 15 years. About six months ago, I stopped taking the Yaz because of our insurance change and the expense. I also stopped the Prozac because I was doing well on another medication.

I started my period today. Last night, I was miserably depressed with some really negative thoughts.

I started the Prozac back up today. I need to remember this about a month from now. My symptoms always get worse when it's the dead of winter and I'm stressed. I haven't been taking care of myself and I'm seeing the result.

I'm sorry for the drama today and yesterday. I noticed this a month ago, and a few months back, when I noticed I sunk into a deep depression a few days before my period. Then, my period started and I felt better and shrugged it off. I can't do that.

I hope I didn't do too much damage. I still feel that some of what I sent needed to be said to them. But, knowing them, they will blow me off as crazy, like they always do. I guess it really doesn't matter in the long run.

I'm sorry K for jumping down your bones for trying to protect me.

Turns out, AJ said it all when he suggested I put my 4th goal first. Seems to be the ticket for me. Take care of myself and let the other stuff fall into place.

Please accept my apology for setting off a whirlwind of posting about my self-inflicted drama.

[job]

Heather,
There is no need to apologize. We do understand what you are going through.

As for the in-laws, you've said what you needed to say and now it's time to let it go. Did you mail the support documents? If not, please do so.

Please take care of yourself and stay on your meds.

[bustingout]

Hi heather

Fwiw it took me some time to seeand become aware of my emotional vulnerabilities during my time of the month. Once I became aware of how sensitive and negative I could let myself feel around that time I have been able to control myself a lot more and learn to not make any decisions at that time :-)

I hope you are dong better today :-)

[LoisB]

The support letter is in the mailbox waiting to be picked up.

I already feel so much better, just from taking the medicine for two days.

I struggled with this hard when we were first married and H really stood by me. I tried all kinds of remedies from strict changes in my diet to different meds...He really put up with a lot. It runs in our family. D19 has the same symptoms.

I remember when I went into labor with D19, I was mystified because my contractions were no worse than my menstrual cramps. My moods were always erratic and I would become very impulsive.

Years of the Prozac and, then, when I discovered Yaz, it was such a Godsend. Yaz is really a remarkable drug for women like me. But, I had been so stable for so long, I guess I didn't consider that it could come back. I put D19 back on the Yaz but didn't want to spend the money on myself. I will see if the Prozac does the trick--I actually think it will, but I will need to be more vigilant about taking care of myself.

I've thought about those earlier struggles with PMDD a lot during this journey. I can say for a FACT that hormones can alter your sense of what's real.

There were times when I was absolutely convinced Smokey was the source of ALL my problems. I was convinced. Then, when I began a treatment that worked, I felt like I was coming down from a hangover. I was so embarrassed and regretful for how I had treated him. If someone had come along at those weak moments when I was so full of fog, I may have had an affair. I probably wouldn't have succumbed because of my family history, but, I'm sure I would have been tempted.

My sister did the same thing at one point. She has some similar issues. She moved to Houston, partly because of her terrible SAD in the winter.

I mailed it.

When the depression lifts, I find myself getting more done, taking action and wanting to reach out to friends and family.

Thanks for all the support.

[LoisB]

Just received a text from Smokey:

"I will be over tomorrow around noon to see D11."

Me: I think that sounds great. What time?

Smokey: Said noon.

[job]

Stay positive. Do not get into any details about what you sent to his father. This is his time to "bond" w/his daughter. I'm sure you'll be able to find something to do while he's there.

[LoisB]

Ok. I am actually pleased that I was heard on this point.

I will remain positive. I promise.

[Wonka]

Heather,

Here's a little pressie from a spiritual site that made me think of you. Enjoy!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fostering Equanimity


As many begin the spiritual path, it is important to reflect upon your current life-situation – to observe one’s self without complaint, accepting all as it stands as to how events and circumstances have turned out. Doing so is no way a behaviour or attitude of resignation to life, but a mature acceptance that there is much to improve and you have every intention to bring forth all the necessary changes that will nourish your journey and provide learning opportunities at each step through the choices you will make. Remember dear ones, when you finally realize that any situation that is presented to you at any given time is merely a creative theatrical backdrop or décor where you play an important key role, understanding and clarity becomes evident. Everything and all people that interact with you are merely part of the décor and they too hold a role to your never-ending learning and development of your Self. Learning how to control and manage your inner self and the drama that can easily unfold is what truly counts and what will help you find peace and harmony in any situation.

We know you are bombarded by distractions and temptations from the many interactions you have and from social pressure…it can be hard to remain balanced and focused but never impossible. As you meander down your path you will come to appreciate your ability to learn to overcome your ego’s encouragement to allow distractions to derail you. It does take great discipline and effort, but when your will is strong enough you will be able to resist distractions and not lose your inner calm when interacting with distressed people that tend to be demonstrate out-of-control emotions and feelings without a single thought beforehand. Meditation is a great tool to foster equanimity and peace of mind; through meditation you are able to rise above narrow-mindedness and welcome new and different perspectives.

We often see many dear souls harboring resentment and discord towards others just because they don’t agree with their beliefs or can’t make others see the world as they do. It is important for each dear person to be able to view the world that you share that fits with their beliefs and values without prejudice or criticism. The world and the views of its people are always changing through interactions—imperfections are realized and in time those imperfections will be recognized as individual and beautiful. It serves little purpose to spend precious energy on anger and frustration when you could be using your energy to love, to be compassionate and to offer charity whenever possible. When you are able to accept every dear soul for all that they are with their perfections and imperfections then positive changes will occur on regular basis. Remember dear ones you are not meant to be exactly like your neighbor or fellow brother or sister of God, you are meant to be you, but inside you is a beautifully beating heart that is more than capable of giving and receiving unconditional love.

Regardless what you are facing, if you are sick, on your own, in financial disarray, rich, employed, unemployed, etc., at some point in your life you will be called upon by life to apply certain qualities such as inner strength, perseverance, compassion, integrity, concentration, and other fine virtues. Regardless where you are standing right now with life, there will be demands required by you to fulfill and commit to. Unsuspecting changes will present themselves and some will take your breath away at the speed of their arrival. As each new situation unravels you are given many choices and one of them is to regard any current situation as a valuable teaching component that will help cultivate and develop the best possible perspective and outline for your personal qualities and virtues to be put into practice. It is too easy to groan and complain when life throws a challenge at you. But when you are able to see that what is unfolding before is to help you with your spiritual progress, you are able to settle down and face the situation with gratitude and optimism knowing when all is done and the challenge has passed that you will become wiser and understand yourself at a deeper level.

We understand how difficult it can be for some folks to detach their emotions from events and situations but when you remove your emotions form anything you have experienced that felt pleasant, good, bad, painful, uncomfortable or other feelings you are able to see with sharper clarity because you are not identifying emotionally to any feeling of any event – you are able to see each emotion of each event as mere visitors to the unfolding of you and of your development and growth – you learn how to go with the flow and take things in stride as they come, not allowing yourself to become weighed down by discord or disharmonic thoughts or feelings.

We encourage you to embrace every situation with equanimity. Face the responsibility of your choices, and work at finding solutions that are effective and helpful. If you are coming from a place of calm composure or equanimity, there is never any reason to feel overwhelmed by any task that is expected of you to fulfill. As you learn to deal with one thing at a time, eventually all things will get done. There can be great stress added when you try to multi-task and we know at the workplace multitasking is a great skill and asset but it is also a stress causer. Slow down a little, take time to breathe throughout your day so you can refresh your energy supply. Each of you are resilient and you will always bounce back from any challenging situation but when you face each challenge with calmness, bouncing back won’t take as long—it becomes a smooth transition.

At the spiritual, mental and physical levels of your being, Will is continuously called upon, even while meditating, your will is essential. Through meditation you are choosing to sit, to be calm, to empty your thoughts, to control the posture of your spine, to be focused and so much more. Your will is included in everything that you are a part of. Through meditation and quiet contemplation you learn to develop right behaviour and attitudes towards yourself and others, and this development does directly strengthen your awareness. The moment you are able to remove your emotions from your desires and wishes, you become more patient and mindful and so much more is able to get accomplished.

As you develop more self-discipline, you will discover it becomes easier to do the Right things when they are meant to be done with little to no effort. You will not feel like you are being forced. As you continue to work towards equanimity, you will learn to drop emotional attachments and learn to accept yourself for who you are with all your imperfections and perfections and you also learn to accept others the same way, you are able to accept any situation you find yourself in and be more accepting of the world as a whole.

Equanimity provides you with the ability to distinguish the normalcy of genuinely caring and loving from the negative feeling of being bound and chained to the identification of things and feelings that you once clung to. As you accustom to being more composed and calm understand dear ones that at any moment, life can present certain circumstances to arise that will try to pull you out of your calm presence and back down into the world of reactions. These circumstances are of course unwelcomed because they send waves crashing into your peaceful composure that force you to respond. It is important dear ones that during such times, it is the quality of your composure or equanimity that will provide the helping hand that will illuminate the best way to respond that is not reactive, where you can maintain composure. When you are able to choose to respond, act and make changes from the context of acceptance then you are coming from a state of equanimity; you are solid and flexible at the same time.

You are already aware that in time all things come to an end, including your own body and those that are closest to your heart and soul as they grow with age, or with illness and dis-ease. Even your material belongings begin to age and depreciate. By being able to see this truth, you are also able to see that your emotions and feelings also end over time. However dear ones, you are the one to control the duration of their stay. Your emotions and feelings are not meant to control you and you are not meant to be defined by your emotions. When you come from that calm and composed state, you open a timeless door of opportunity and growth…where everything becomes seamless and timeless. This place of peace is meant for you to embrace and to become.

Remember whenever you are participating in deep meditation, you are met with deep silence and peace as you embrace the conscious energy you enter. The vastness of your conscious energy that comes into your mind also comes into your heart. The conscious energy that is within your emotions when met at this peaceful place will typically create acceptance and equanimity. As you become more established and comfortable in the states of equanimity, even if these states are impermanent, you are primarily setting the stage for your higher emotions to be released into higher states of consciousness, such as unconditional love and compassion, to demonstrate pure joy and faith with yourself, God and with all other dear souls.

Embrace your peaceful and calm nature for it is beautiful. Allow the gentleness of equanimity to direct your path, and to bring peace and calm into all things that you are part of. You can rush around all you want, but the more you rush the more anxious and stressful you become and peace cannot be found within you nor can it be created from you. You will reach all that you are meant to; rushing any task rarely produces desired results or outcomes. Tackle each step of your path with patience, love and equanimity – trust and have faith that you will achieve everything exactly when you should. Believe that God is there with you, because He truly is; ready to lend a hand or a shoulder whenever you are in need of additional support, love and guidance.

And so it is…

I AM Ascended Master, Serapis Bey

[LoisB]

Thank you Wonka, this is beautiful.

I will focus on this as I prepare for tomorrow. I need to keep my cool. I'm sure he is angry. And, probably scared. I will work to to remain centered in what I believe is MY truth.

My truth. I can stay planted in my truth, my journey. I haven't done anything wrong. I need to remember this, because, in the past, he has tried to deflect and cover me in his sad feelings. I'm stronger now and I can handle this. I spoke my truth and he is honoring part of it by coming tomorrow and I appreciate that. I was heard on one point. I'm grateful for this, for the sake of my daughter who has lost her dad.

[LoisB]

I wonder what role Vitamin D plays in the menstrual cycle? It used to be that my PMDD would get steadily worse and worse as the winter continued. It would reach its worse in April. I could pretty much count on being suicidal by April, especially around my period.

[LoisB]

This is going sound weird. But, every time I watch the Long Island Medium, I think how I wish I could talk to Smokey. One time, I even said it out loud to D19. I told her how I wondered if a person's soul could sorta die while still on earth and whether someone like the medium could communicate with him. Ya know? Like, does his soul stay with our kids even though this really sick, sad part of himself isn't physically here. There have been moments when I've felt him nearby, not so much anymore, but sometimes I wonder. Sounds weird.

[LoisB]

Could your soul be dead while your body is still walking this earth?

[LoisB]

He is gone. No fireworks. He is back to looking like a teenager. He spent Two hours with D11and didn't interact with me except for a hello. Didn't seem angry or mean.

Left without saying Goodbye. Gave me a book about chickens--I assume it was from his mom.

[job]

Sounds like things went okay w/his interactions w/his D11. Well, at least he said hello to you.

What's w/the book about chickens? Does his mother raise them too? I wonder if that's a peace offering from her? LOL!

[LoisB]

Peace offering. :-)

He was all about D11! It was nice to see. I actually had a bit of a break! Now, who knows if I will receive some terrible blow later in the week as retribution, but, as of now, it would appear that his family heard--at least-- part of what I said and acted.

This wasn't Smokey's designated Saturday, that would have been next weekend.

I was really struck by how much he was looking like a college student/high school student again. I had a boy student here and Smokey looked more adolescent than boy. lol! Smokey is all teen.

But, he gave D11 his undivided attention. I was impressed and I didn't make a single suggestion or intervene once. I let him have at it.

The mom of the student gave me flowers which was God's way of saying "It's going to be Ok Heather." :-) It meant so much. The mom was appreciating my work with her son. In that moment, when I received the flowers, I realized how dumb Smokey is being for letting me go. It really IS HIS LOSS.

I'm pretty GD awesome and he just can't see it. It felt good to display my flowers. I felt appreciated for being the woman I am, as opposed to trying to be someone he will eventually appreciate.

[LoisB]

And, it was nice to have Smokey here when a client gave me flowers for being good at what I do--which is basically being a good mom and teacher. I was appreciated. And, the flowers were my monument for standing firm in being a good mom and teacher while putting up with Smokey's crap.

[LoisB]

So, in other news...

Difficult student's nanny is on vacation.

So, I rolled with it this week while the stepdad brought him on Wednesday. He came unprepared and I did the majority of the work, which isn't the arrangement we made. But, ok, I was cool with it.

Then, Mom came yesterday.

I noticed some things while Mom and difficult student (DS) interacted. Mainly, I noticed that mom is crazy.

She is this, from the outside, a hippie/yoga lovin/earth mother/let's all get along kinda person. In reality, however, she is somewhat neglectful and puts way to much pressure on her son and seems, mainly, concerned more about LOOKING like she is an earth mother than actually being one. I see a woman who is not quite right in the head.

She is teeny-tiny but has the claws of a lion when threatened.

So, she comes and she is completely unprepared. They still don't have the new workbooks that I was promised two weeks ago. DS finished the work in the workbooks we started two months ago. He is FLYING through his material. I'm so pleased with his progress. Couldn't be happier.

This week, however, I noticed some major backtracking. He was back to difficult and not listening. Guess how he was when mom was here? TERRIBLE. AWFUL.

Job, you were right, something is going on here and I can't pinpoint it.

There's more to the story.

[LoisB]

So, I try to keep to our schedule like normal.

I give mom her list of ToDo's. They go through the material as I suggest. I sense that mom is putting on something of a "show" for me though. She is doing her utmost to look perfectly earth motherly in my eyes. Whatever. I'm cool with it. They get the work done. DS is difficult, wayyyy worse than normal.

I catch him saying something disrespectful to his mother and call him on it. I handle it, he apologizes and it's over, right?

I hear her in the next room talking all tree hugging crap and and all you need is love and on and on and on and on and on...I mean she cannot let it go. She is saying stuff like, "DS, it hurts my feelings when you talk to me like that. You don't like it when people talk to you like that, do you? That's not how we talk to people. You need to do this and you need to do that and she goes on like this for 20 minutes!! I'm thinking, "Ok, we now know why DS is troubled."

She belabors this single issue forever and she gives him nervous jitters by making it so much BIGGER than it really is. This boy is trying really hard to please her and she still doesn't get it.

The nanny told me that she doesn't give him the time of day during a normal day. I see that, I think she parents when she is "On."

So, anyway, I get this text last night around 9:30...

Crazy client: Did you let DS watch Spiderman?

Me: Yes, I did.

CC: Was it the PG-13 version?

Me: Yes.

CC: He is nine.

Me: I'm sorry if this upsets you, I should have asked. I apologize. I try to give him a 15-20 min reward to end his day.

Now, since DS started here, I have given him a reward to end his work. At first, it was Zelda for 15 minutes, then, I allowed a movie. The boy came to me knowing everything (characters, plot, subplots) of The Hobbit and we were studying The Hobbit novel at the time...so, I allowed him to watch The Hobbit.

Once he finished The Hobbit, he asked about Spiderman. The nanny said it was ok, so, I used it in 15 min increments.

I can understand why she is upset. Frankly, I might be upset too. This isn't something I normally do with students. In fact, he is the first, but I desperately needed something to reward him with and this was what he chose. And, this is a boy who has used the F... word to ME more than once. So, I guess I didn't think it would be a big deal. And, I thought I had mentioned it to her before. Guess not. Oops.

Well, she is PISSED.

[LoisB]

I kinda think she is upset because of the bounced check debacle and my correcting her AND the reality that I'm catching on to her truth with her son.

So, I texted today,

[LoisB]

Oops...

I texted to CC: Would you like to talk on the phone today?

No response.

Me: CC?

No response.

I'm going to email her.

I hope this doesn't put my writing and this student's tuition at risk. I, especially, hate that it may screw up this boy's progress. I'm thinking she is venting out loud about me and nanny this weekend. Great. That will help me work with him.

Her last text to me last night:

CC: I'm disappointed, surprised and I don't quite know what to say.

Me: I'm sorry you feel that way. I guess I kinda feel the same.

I think I will send an email apologizing again, but also pointing out the progress we've made.

[LoisB]

Just received a text from Smokey:

I will be back to visit in two weeks. I would like to visit her alone next time. Thank you.

Me: Ok, you're welcome.

I see a pattern here.

[LoisB]

Still hurts that this man doesn't want me.

I know the reality, he doesn't even want himself, so how can he want me? But, I still see some of the man I knew and it hurts.

[job]

Heather,
If you have already apologized to the crazy mother, then don't do it again. She knows just what buttons to push and wants you to feel guilty, let her stew.

Oh, I definitely think that there is more going on in that household than meets the eye. I wouldn't be surprised if there isn't some abuse going on. Whenever a parent puts on that special act in front of others, it can be very telling. Observe from afar and really listen to what she's saying to him. His behavior around her is telling.

Now, about your h, it's good that he wants to come back and visit w/his daughter. Heather, it's time to let him go completely. He knows that you are still hanging on and hanging on to his every missive. Cut the cord and keep the focus on you, your children and your work. If God intends for him to return and the two of you to reconcile, it won't happen until both of you have faced your fears and issues and accepted that there are some things that you can't change because they weren't your fault.

Keep the focus on you and what you need to do today.

[BklynMom]

Dont apologize again to CC. You may have made a small error by not discussing first - and she needs time to cool down

the pain of being rejected by someone you love is enormous. Take it easier on yourself, this pain may take years to work through. I know how bad this pain hurts.

When I am clear and focused on myself and my kids it is so crystal clear that xH leaving us has very very little to do with me.

Keep your side of the street clean

[beatrice]

When you really let Smokey go, after a while he will likely try and get into your life. That is what happened to me, and I didn't want it any more.

When you let go you really see how crazy they are - not with your head but with your heart.

As for the mother - you are the professional, and you are doing a good job. She is undermining you in part because you are succeeding where she isn't. And I agree - something not right there. Focus on the child - and stand your ground on the film.

[LoisB]

Haven't I?

I guess that I feel he is a always with me, but I don't necessarily feel like my future hinges on his anymore.

I went to church today. I prayed with the pastor. It was a good thing. :-)

[beatrice]

Still hurts that this man doesn't want me.

I know the reality, he doesn't even want himself, so how can he want me? But, I still see some of the man I knew and it hurts.
__________________

Truly this isn't letting go. It is understandable, but you are still very bound up with him, very emotionally involved with the situation. This is not meant to criticise or judge - we all know how hard it is.

[golf mom]

Letting go is a process. It takes conscience effort to re pattern your thoughts. How much of what you're feeling is abandonment? Is it really that you want him back or is it difficult facing the void that was created including fear, loneliness and sadness?

I faced all of the above. It hurts, a lot, when our spouse leaves, especially when another person is involved. I spent months feeling empathy and compassion for someone who dumped his family without a thought. I helped him justify it, too, by buying into all of the lies and ridiculous reasons he had for doing it. By detaching I was able to see the truth. As my self esteem returned I spent less time thinking about him and much more time living my life my way. I eventually got to a point where I value myself and my life so much that I won't waste another second on someone who doesn't want me. He's just one person and his view of me is meaningless. How he feels may be important to him, but not to me.

We all have some degree of narcissism in our makeup. It's how we're wired. It's easy to think what someone says or does is about us. Truly it's not. It's about them. So let go of your h knowing that you did your very best with the skills you had. You are precious and lovable no matter who comes and goes from your life. This is always true. Embrace this truth and move forward creating and enjoying a wonderful life.

[LoisB]

Thanks everyone. You gave me a lot to think about.

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