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...I just pick myself up and get back in the race....

Quote:
That's life
(That's life)
That's what all the people say
You're riding high in April, shot down in May
But I know I'm gonna change that tune
When I'm back on top, back on top in June

I said that's life
(That's life)
And as funny as it may seem
Some people get their kicks stomping on a dream
But I don't let it, let it get me down
'Cause this fine old world, it keeps spinnin' around

I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king
I've been up and down and over and out and I know one thing
Each time I find myself flat on my face
I pick myself up and get back in the race

That's life
(That's life)
I tell you, I can't deny it
I thought of quitting, baby but my heart just ain't gonna buy it
And if I didn't think it was worth one single try
I'd jump right on a big bird and then I'd fly

I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king
I've been up and down and over and out and I know one thing
Each time I find myself layin' flat on my face
I just pick myself up and get back in the race

That's life
(That's life)
That's life and I can't deny it
Many times I thought of cutting out but my heart won't buy it
But if there's nothing shaking come this here July
I'm gonna roll myself up in a big ball and die, my, my

Written by Dean and Kelly. Sung by Frank Sinatra - That's Life Lyrics


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Heather,
People are going to be say and believe whatever they want. You have no control over the gossip. The best thing to do is rise above it and when someone says something to you that is untrue, smile and inform they that your h is more than welcome to come visit his children any time. Don't go into a lot of details with the gossip hounds because they will take what you tell them and expand in it. Remember, a dog that brings a bone will carry one.

There is no need for you to defend yourself to the in-laws. If you were to contact them in any way and try to defend yourself, it would fall on deaf ears and whatever you say or write down, they will turn it around and try to use it against you in some fashion. The best defense in this situation is to just leave them out there to swing in the wind. The more you try to defend yourself, the more people will talk.

I know it hurts to hear this stuff...but ignore it as much as possible. Don't give them fodder to spread in the world.

Now, about the bounced check...you need to tack on a service charge because it bounced and you need to contact them immediately and advise them it bounced and as of tomorrow, you will no longer be tutoring their child until you have the money, not check, in hand.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Old Thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2438215&page=1

Ok. So, we are starting fresh here. No students today.

It occurred to me yesterday, how everything that has happened in the past two years is my worst nightmare. Truly. This is EXACTLY what I was terrified would happen to my life.

Last night, I had a dream which I think signifies where I'm at.

In the beginning, I'm visiting a neighbor. This neighbor has a pretty filthy house and too many animals and things are very unorganized. She and her husband argue all the time. I spent some time with the neighbor. I was wearing this old sweatshirt my aunt had given me when I was 12. I LOVED this sweatshirt. I wore it through college.

Anyway, I was wearing this old sweatshirt and some sweats and had just rolled outta bed. I wandered down to the neighbor's house and we were lying in the grass on our backs and talking. I was pretty relaxed, but she was stressing because she had ALL THIS STUFF to do. She was mainly worried her husband would come along and get mad at her. And, he did.

He came along and started bitcching about something and telling her how she was lazy or something. She got up and we moved to two rocking chairs. I was aware, however, that she was nervous and knew she HAD to get up and get busy.

I started to feel the tension, but was somewhat disappointed when she got up and starting getting busy. I walked down her drive and thought I saw the Forester. He was helping on their farm. I wasn't sure it was him though. And, I saw this tractor that was brand new and I thought how I shoulda asked the neighbors about it because I need one. There were all these men, some kinda shifty-looking. LOL> eharmony!!


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Thanks Job. Yes, I've already let them know. And, there will be service charge.

I need to think how I want paid. I think I need to ask for cash from them tomorrow. Yes, that's what I'm going to do. I can't wait for another check to clear. I hope they come through. This is the difficult boy and he is doing AWESOME!!!

Back to the dream.

So, I kinda avoid the Forester, but I'm not even sure it's really him and I look terrible...I walk home. Smokey is there. The house isn't our house, but this strange sorta dump. It's really just a series of unfinished outbuildings. And, there's junk everywhere.

Smokey is there working and visiting D11. He begins yelling at me almost immediately. At first, I sorta just sit and text and hide from him. He's telling me how I made a mess of our marriage and I didn't work enough, earn enough, look good enough... And, meanwhile, there's ALLL THIS JUNK strewn about. I feel completely overwhelmed and don't know where to start.

Everytime I run into him, he lets me have it. And, I'm finding myself going to this room filled with old furniture and garbage and so forth to hide. D11 is listening to it all. She is always right there.

Smokey is like fixing something or building something, chopping wood??? I'm not sure.

I know I feel ugly, fat, frumpy, overwhelmed and guilty...like the stuff he is saying is true. I just want to get away from him.

There's more.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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So, here's the cool part. READY FOR IT???

Smokey passes by and starts in on me again (still the dream).

I defend myself!! Not well, at first, but I let HIM have it. I start yelling back. I'm not eloquent or calm, at first, I'm sorta insane actually. And, I'm aware that D11 is still watching. But, I let him HAVE IT!!

"How could you treat me like this?? How could you lead people to believe I've been anything but a GREAT parent to our children??? How could you be so irresponsible and selfish and such an incredible A$$HOLE???"

As I defend myself, more and more, I begin to feel the energy to clean up the junk. At one point, I completely call Smokey on his shid. I really let him have it and it's all the TRUTH. Every piece of his crap that he has given ME, I GIVE IT BACK TO HIM.

I see D11 smile because she is proud of me. I see that this is what she needed to see from me all along. She NEEDED ME TO defend myself against this unfairness. But, I needed to do it TO SMOKEY.

I feel energized as I let him know how I really feel. How unfair it all is...I begin to clean up the junk and create a home. As I clean, I discover the "house" has three fireplaces. I discover the junk, a super cool designer couch that is brand new.

Smokey backs off and becomes the guy I thought I married. He becomes the old Smokey--actually, he becomes Matt, not Smokey. He is goofy and completely NON-THREATENING.

He decided to take D11 with him to the movies and I'm super ok with it because it's not Smokey, it's the real guy underneath. He comes out in these ridiculous juvenile/adolescent outfits and asks me what I think. I tell him the truth...I tell him he looks like a 50-yr-old guy trying to be a teenager. At one point, his hair dyed blonde and he's got this ridiculous scarf around his waist and he looks stupid. I tell him. I tell him how I really feel.

At the end of the dream, I am still partly invested in Matt coming home and being with us as a family in this cool house I have cleaned up. And, I recognize he did help some. This cool house we created. (In truth, we've spent a lot of years restoring this house we live in--it looked much like the house in my dreams when we started).

But, I'm also aware I'm ok and he may not come home. I'm aware of how damaged and hurt and sad he is. As he comes out in these dumb outfits, I can see the little boy struggling. I see a little boy.

And, in the dream, I'm still checking my eharmony and hoping the Forester will call. But, I fully acknowledge that I love Matt and wish he would come back to us all.

And, I feel capable of handling things. I feel empowered.

The end.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Oh, and, at the end, I'm still wearing the old sweatshirt, I'm still a bit disheveled and, yet, I feel pretty. I feel powerful. I don't feel ashamed or like I have to hide from anyone because I'm not perfect! I feel like I'm beautiful and ...beautiful just as I am. Even though, he continues to come out in all these different outfits. Stupid outfits. Ridiculous outfits. I feel content and continue working on the tasks at hand. I think, at one point, I clean up a little??


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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I very much like the dream, the imagery and the way you tell it, Heather.

smile

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Thank you AJ. laugh

What's even funnier, I'm trying to remember all this stuff Smokey is doing in the dream. The spouting off, the dressing up, the flirting with me at one point...

I'm completely baffled by his behavior and I see how confused and troubled he is.

Anyway, I'm trying to remember because I want to ask Job what she thinks about it all. I want, in reality, is for her to tell me he is coming home. He is coming out of it. grin

You guys are in my dreams.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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But, I'm also aware, he isn't perfect and may not be the guy I want after all. So much in this dream!

I couldn't fall asleep until 4 a.m. I was tossing and turning about the inlaws gossip, money, divorce crud, etc...

Now, for today. It's 1:30 p.m. I need to rest and restore a bit today. My nerves are a little fried. I delegated the Yas prescription task to D19. She is calling the Doc and telling them our prescription plan has changed and can we get a few month's samples to get through until we can order another batch. I handled the tuition stuff already. The doc's appt is on Monday.

I need to make some decisions about this attorney stuff. I told my mom yesterday how I need an attorney. It will be interesting if she avoids me now because she doesn't want to face her own money/divorce issues. I'm going to go ahead and mail the legalaid paperwork so that is in place if I need it.

I will let the gossip go. I guess, in the long run, it tells me what sorta immature, naive, gossipy, back-stabbing people I was raised around. I'm letting it go because I don't really want my kids around people like this anyway and any comment on my part will push the issue.

They are ashamed of their own behavior and throwing me under the bus to justify. I guess we can see where Smokey gets it from. So sad. Two beautiful girls are being used to justify spiritual sickness and evil-spiritedness.

Back to the goals.
Quote:

Long-Term Goals:

1. Earn at least $60,000 per year by 2019.
2. Be a buff, healthy woman at 125 pounds.
3. Have a new, reliable car I'm proud to drive.
4. GAL. Feel contentment with my life, travel,

TAKE JOY!

5. Give my kids the things and time they deserve. Like my own company.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Wow, great goals. Can I borrow some?

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