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Tarheel - it was a very similar situation for me and I knew about EA straight from BD but H was adamant that they were "just good friends" which I believed but knew it would move onto more than that, I was correct and they've slept together since once and remain in contact via phone/text every day - he says that there is no relationship and its not serious bla bla.

After our talk on monday and him asking can we be friends and see what happens I told him straight that I wasnt willing to do that whilst she's still around, I just cant, it would be torture for me knowing that he's texting her all the time whilst also spending time with me.

I text him today with what I wrote above and have spoke to him since but he's not mentioned it, I don't know whether to wait a few days then ask for his decision or just assume that because he's not given an answer it means he's chosen to stay in contact with her? I don't want to put on too much pressure but at the same time I refuse to be in a triangle!!

To put full NC in place there are logistics to sort out so I cant just do it without arranging things with him first if that makes sense.

HELP!


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Originally Posted By: Breakdown
I did Plan A first...for a long time....until I felt like I had become the man only a fool would leave. Only at that point did I decide to go to Plan B. And honestly, I've waivered on Plan B (which is in essence a boundary) many times....each time only to be disappointed and hurt.


I just cant stay in contact with him in that way whilst he's got her on the side, its something that I'm just not willing to do and don't believe I should have to do it. We've tried being friends up until now but knowing he's seeing OW too is just going to make me ill so I need to draw a line.

I had hoped to not pressure him but I don't think I can do it anymore, I have to protect myself now. Its gunna be soooo hard to do as we have the kids & a joint business together but I know its needs doing.

I want my marriage to surivive more than anything but I also need to protect myself so I can be in good shape for the kids, i'm no good to them as an emotional wreck!


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I'm right there with you. Knowing my W (well, at least what I thought I knew of her)- I can't see her 'sacrificing' what she considers just a friendship and running back to me with open arms at the drop of the hat. Maybe that's why I've been hesitant in issuing a very firm ultimatum.

I'm hardly the right person to be giving advice, but my guess is that your H is not addressing your text yet because he assumes this is just a threat and that you won't hold to it. Or maybe he's in the process of deciding what he wants. We have to keep in mind that these A's are close friendships/relationships with someone they have come to care about and as much as we'd like them to drop them overnight, I can only image it's much more difficult that than. I've seen other posts call it an addiction.

I've not been able to take that next step of requesting no OM contact yet because I don't know if she's 'there' yet (although I hope I'm getting closer). It's a difficult balance of 'Do I force the decision?' or 'Do I not pressure?' Each situation is different and could receive a different response. I think you've done the right thing though, and should stick tight to your boundary.



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I would not address your text with your H. You have already stated the boundary more than once. If you were truly setting a boundary (which is set to protect you) then you really don't need a direct answer from your H confirming that he did not cut ties with OW. A boundary is different than an ultimatum (which is not recommended by DBing).

Unless your H comes to you and says "OW is gone" then you decide how you want to proceed in the meantime and just start doing it. If you don't want to be friends with him, then limit your contact to business/kids. If you bring it up, you are just applying more pressure. If your H decides to break ties with OW, he will let you know.

It is going to be impossible to go NC due to the business and kids. You are going to need to talk to your H on a regular basis. There is just no way around it. Ask yourself, what is the best way to communication for YOU?

If I need to talk with my H, I usually send an email. You can include all the information that you want to include. It allows you to focus on the subject at hand and ignore other communication that enters the "friend zone". I sometimes text my H regarding the kids (pics, important info), although I text less often than I email. My H and the OW used to (probably still do) spend all day/night sending texts to each other. Right after BD, I saw his phone records and realized that he was alternating between texting me and the OW. For a while, I avoided texts all together. I made a decision right after BD to never call my H. My H tends to call me a lot. While I will return a missed call, I never pick up the phone to call him.

Just decide what you are comfortable with. Accept that no matter what happens with your M, your H will have to be in your life to some degree. Determine how you would like to handle the communication and just starting doing it. No need to have any further decision with your H.

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I did deliver an ultimatum, I've decided to cut contact as much as possible. Whilst its not really recommended its what I think is right for my situation and feel that in the long run it will be best for everyone involved as it gives me the space to get myself into a better place and it gives him the space to figure out what he wants.

I've been trying to be his friends and keep things light and happy but I need to put my foot down on this & need to make sure he knows that I'm not willing to be part of the triangle that he wants me to be part of, its only going to cause me more hurt and pain in the longrun. He's walking all over me and i've let him do this for far far too long, for me this is a BIG 180 and think it will shock him to be honest that i'm going to stick to it.

I'm going to write an email with some info in & arrangements to ensure that no/minimal contact is needed after we've sorted everything out. He can use email to contact and text if urgent, i'm going to block his calls for now so i'm not tempted to answer. His mum has already agreed a while ago to drop off the kids after he's had them (he picks them up from school) so I don't need to see him then.

The business stuff is going to be more complicated but i'm hoping to not have to see him for at least a few of weeks until I'm detached enough to just go in & work without letting him affect me.

He said tonight that we have already been "no contact" already which is absolutely not true as we've been in contact several times a day for the past few weeks - I believe that he'll have a shock when I put these things in place as I've been his "safety blanket" for the past 12 years!

This is going to be the hardest thing i've EVER done and i'm really going to need some support from you guys.


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Upwards - I actually think that you are setting a healthy boundary, which is recommended by DB. You informed your H that as long as he is in a relationship with the OW, YOU do not want a relationship with him. It is similar to an ultimatum, but it really is about how YOU are going to act as opposed to pressuring him to make a decision/take some action (which is why I recommended that you not contact him or ask him to make a decision). You are going to live your life and leave your H to make a decision as to what he wants/does not want with H. It is hard because we would all love our WAS to say "I am leaving OW to be friends with you." But it will help you start living your new life.

Your H probably will not like the boundary. He will probably try and push back. You will need to remain strong (it is so hard, I have been horrible at enforcing the boundary as time goes on). But there are lots of people here to give you get advice and help you walk your path.

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Correction:

"leave your H to make a decision as to what he wants/does not want with OW."

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Originally Posted By: 3boyzmom
Upwards - I actually think that you are setting a healthy boundary, which is recommended by DB. You informed your H that as long as he is in a relationship with the OW, YOU do not want a relationship with him. It is similar to an ultimatum, but it really is about how YOU are going to act as opposed to pressuring him to make a decision/take some action (which is why I recommended that you not contact him or ask him to make a decision). You are going to live your life and leave your H to make a decision as to what he wants/does not want with H. It is hard because we would all love our WAS to say "I am leaving OW to be friends with you." But it will help you start living your new life.

Your H probably will not like the boundary. He will probably try and push back. You will need to remain strong (it is so hard, I have been horrible at enforcing the boundary as time goes on). But there are lots of people here to give you get advice and help you walk your path.


His horrified expression when I said about cutting contact today said it all, I suspect he'll find it difficult but its TOUGH because its what I want right now. He's said several times today "I really dont want to cut contact, I want you in my life" yeh course you do, on your terms only!!

I've emailed him with logistics of things and how I want things to work from now on, I explained that I'm doing this for ME because its whats best for me at the moment. I've been quite business like about it all & matter of fact. We are going to need to sit down and put things in place regarding the business, i'm due in work (with him) on Friday so we can hopefully have a chat about how things can work then.

This has been a step i've been scared of making for weeks, I'm not really sure why i'm so scared though?! I tried to do it (half heartedly) a couple of weeks ago but ended up caving in when I was lonely and answered his calls, I need to try and put some things in place to stop me reaching out to him.

Am I best just leaving him completely to it & ignoring his contact unless its important?


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Am I best just leaving him completely to it & ignoring his contact unless its important?

One day at a time my dear... Take care of no contact today and we will go moving on and acting acordingly...when we are scared we want to figure everything out so we dont get scared anymore...

You are taking care of yourself, you are cleaning your side of the street... Now let him take care of his side of the street and I am reposting this:

Empowering

You can think. You can feel. You can solve your problems. You can take care of yourself.
Those words have often benefited me more than the most profound and elaborate advice.

How easy it is to fall into the trap of doubting others and ourselves.

When someone tells us about a problem, what is our reaction? Do we believe we need to solve it for the person? Do we believe that that person's future rests on our ability to advise him or her? That's standing on shaky ground - not the stuff of which recovery is made.

When someone is struggling through a feeling, or a morass of feelings, what is our reaction? That the person will never survive that experience? That it's not okay for someone to feel? That he or she will never get through this intact?

When a person is faced with the task of assuming responsibility for their life and behaviors, what is our response? That the person can't do that? I must do it myself to save him or her from dissipating into ashes? From crumbling? From failing?

What is our reaction to ourselves when we encounter a problem, a feeling, or when we face the prospect of assuming responsibility for ourselves?

Do we believe in others and ourselves? Do we give power to people - including ourselves - and their abilities? Or do we give the power to the problem, the feeling, or the irresponsibility?

We can learn to check ourselves out. We can learn to think, and consider our response, before we respond. "I'm sorry you're having that problem. I know you can figure out a solution. Sounds like you've got some feelings going on. I know you'll work through them and come out on the other side."

Each of us is responsible for ourselves. That does not mean we don't care. It does not mean a cold, calculated withdrawal of our support from others. It means we learn to love and support people in ways that work. It means we learn to love and support ourselves in ways that work. It means that we connect with friends who love and support us in ways that work.

To believe in people, to believe in each persons inherent ability to think, feel, solve problems, and take care of themselves is a great gift we can give and receive from others.

Today, I will strive to give and receive support that is pure and empowering. I will work at believing in myself and others - and our mutual abilities to be competent at dealing with feelings, solving problems, and taking responsibility for ourselves.


Please read that over and over, you have a R with and addict and he is the one who has to see his unmanageable life to be willing to change it....you cant do this for him...not this time...let him take care of his problems...youll be surprised wink


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I feel so broken today, tears are flowing and I keep having panic attacks frown I know this is for the best, I know I need to leave him to sort his life out and walk his own path but the pain I feel inside is ripping me apart. I miss him more than words can say, the pain I feel inside is so powerful & strong and its making me want to curl up and die - I feel so alone.

I keep telling myself i'm strong but I dont feel it, I feel anything but strong. I wanted my marriage to work more than anything, I would have moved heaven and earth to make it happen for my family, now i've let him go to live the life he's chosen and it hurts so so bad.

I know things will get better, they have to, it just doesnt feel like it right now.


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