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We have been married over 2 years, have almost 2yr old twins and I am 24weeks pregnant. Twins pregnancy was planned, this one was not but he seemed very happy about it at first. Found out he wasn't happy in marriage first week of February. Started counseling, found out third week of February he was having affair (that supposedly started first week of Feb) he moved in with her March 13th. He now wants visits with the kids to be at her house instead of him coming here. I am speaking with a coach but due to cost have to be careful how often. I am trying to detach but it's hard. He says he wants divorce asap and she is in his life for the long term. When I tried to set boundaries of not taking kids to her house he gets angry and says he will file asap (this is the only time he shows me anger, mostly it's just coldness. Any help would be greatly appreciated.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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ABSOLUTELY NOT you don't let those kids go there! This is WAY too early to expose them to another woman . . . any good FT (family therapist) worth their salt will tell you at LEAST 6 months to a year before even a formally SEPARATED/DIVORCED couple bring another man or woman around the kids.

Is your husband in any other ways unstable? This sounds like an awfully reckless thing to do so soon after marriage and having kids? Any other addiction issues with him (other than the affair, which are HIGHLY addictive).

Just seems like there might be more to the story here, Twinmom. I'm so sorry you're going thru this.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Originally Posted By: twinmom
He says he wants divorce asap and she is in his life for the long term. When I tried to set boundaries of not taking kids to her house he gets angry and says he will file asap . . .


Tell him "Do what you feel you need to do; I do not want a divorce yet." And then make an appt. to go see a GOOD family law attorney (or two) asap, to better understand what your (and his!) rights and responsibilities are here. Doesn't mean you have to FILE or anything, but information is power.

Don't tell him you're doing this.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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He had a gambling problem about 8 years ago but hasn't gambled at all in the past 4 years. This is the only reckless thing with the kids....... I don't think he is thinking straight. He said at first we could be legally married for at least a year to provide insurance for me and my two kids from my first marriage who we cover. He threatened that if I won't allow twins at her house then he will file asap and cut its off from insurance.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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My db coach advised that I find articles both pro /con for him keeping the kids at her place overnight. I eventually agreed to a trial period.... she met his family tonight. That is hard, he says he wants to marry her within a year and he went out and purchased cribs/car seats for her house and her car. I wonder if it is really over.

Even he came to pick up the twins tonight I was "ready" to go out. More makeup than I have ever really worn (I don't wear any on a daily basis) and wearing a cute dress with jewelry. Totally not my typical style. He asked about my evening and "if I was going somewhere fun" I was mysterious about it and he told me to have a great time. I said I would, gave the twins a hug and kiss and said bye.

I don't want to give up but I think it makes his guilt go away if he thinks I am happy. I am completely faking it and want my marriage back more than anything


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Grrrrrrrrrrrrr! My best friend who has been silent through all of this sent my husband a text lashing into him for flaunting the ow and their love and hurting me and the kids.
He called me and said he doesn't think he has been hurtful and I said I didn't want to discuss anything. That all I am going to say is I don't want a divorce and that's it, have a wonderful day.
He goes on and on about how I must be living in a dream world to think he isn't going to divorce me and does he need to file today to prove to me he is serious?
I just kept saying thank you for giving me the gift of time to make myself the best person/mother I can be. And finally he hung up on me. Then sent Mr a text saying I was making him crazy.

ADVICE PLEASE!!!!!


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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What is your question? confused


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Originally Posted By: twinmom
Grrrrrrrrrrrrr! My best friend who has been silent through all of this sent my husband a text lashing into him for flaunting the ow and their love and hurting me and the kids.
He called me and said he doesn't think he has been hurtful and I said I didn't want to discuss anything.



My favorite way to respond this kind of thing is to say "Yes, this is very difficult on all of us" (acknowledging the seriousness of the situation, but without giving in to pitying HIM or playing woe-is-me, either), and specifically about the friend "Yes, well that must be hard for you to hear, but unfortunately we don't control our friends and family, and we don't get to decide how they choose to react to what's going on."


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Originally Posted By: Starsky309

What is your question? confused


Was I wrong to say I didn't want a divorce?


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Originally Posted By: twinmom
Originally Posted By: Starsky309

What is your question? confused


Was I wrong to say I didn't want a divorce?



Not if you don't want one.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Dr appointment this morning, he went with and I lost more weight..... not good! Now back into some non maternity clothes (26 weeks pregnant and only gained 13lbs, lost over 10 lbs in a month and I typically blow up like the marshmallow puff man during pregnancy)
He seemed concerned and the Dr kept telling me to avoid stress. Lol! I try to seem happy/act as if whenever he is around and I think he truly thought I had accepted/was fine with the idea of him being with ow.
I guess my question/concern is won't that just allow him to be with her without Abby consequences of the affair? He doesn't seem to be feeling any loss/consequences of his actions..... and I don't mean in "punishment" form but natural consequences and loss of the marriage.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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I second guess EVERY single thing I say to him! I hate this! I over analyze every text and rewrite a million times. I just keep telling him "this is a tuff situation for everyone involved, and I do not want a divorce" every time he tells me he is eventually going to file. (He has no set timeline yet to file so I don't lose insurance) I don't know how to avoid these conversations or handle them any better because right now I am just trying to buy myself some time so that the "new in love happiness" wears off with the ow because as of right now he is still head over heels in love with her and I have no chance in the world of competing with the new love feeling she gives him.

Any advice on making that feeling between them die sooner? Lol!


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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WAY too much contact today. Need to back off to protect myself. Because I am an emotional wreck tonight...... husband came over this morning to take my older boys to school but I didn't realize he was coming so already had all but 1 kid in the car so just rode with him. Chatted about useless stuff on the way. Brought the twins home to a babysitter so he and I could go to a Dr appointment. Drove separate so we could go to work/errands after. Nice random conversations while in Dr office.
I had therapy appointment after prenatal appointment so I went to that. He called while I was still there(it ran way over) and I didn't answer. He then sent a text asking how it went. I called back an hour later and asked if he needed something as I saw he called but no voicemail. He said he just wanted to know how therapy went and I said good, left it at that.
About 30 min later I get a text saying he is going to leave work early tonight and come put the twins to bed and can he have the twins overnight tomorrow.... I respond that tonight isn't good (completing made that excuse up just too emotional to see him again) and yes he can have the twins tomorrow but in the future can we please plan these things more in advance as to be respectful of my time/plans
He called me then and we ended up getting into the same "this situation is hard on everyone, but I don't want as divorce" conversation.... ugh!
Less than an hour later he is texting me about a donation(I donate a LOT to charity) I wait about 45 min and respond
He then texts again this evening about one of the twins missing shoes. I was busy making dinner and responded after dinner.
Then right before bed I get another text asking about another charity donation and confirming that he will take my older boys to school. Waited almost two hours and then responded.

I never once initiated contact and it seemed like he did all day(but with a valid reason each time) so of course I start to over analyze and think he is showing interest when my brain keeps saying "detatch, detach"

Any advice on how to shut off my over analyzing brain that is getting me into emotional trouble?


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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My husband has maintained from day one of bomb that he wants to divorce ad friends. I am not trying to figure out his intent but I am afraid we have entered the "friend zone"and this is exactly what he wants forever. He texts/calls while he is at work (never when he is at home with her) for random almost pointless things. Seems like almost an excuse to be in contact with me.
I am trying to figure out if what I am doing is working, yes it is bringing about interaction/niceness between the two of us but I don't want "friend zone" ultimately I want my marriage.
Is he "cake eating" with me as a friend and her as the woman in his life?


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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twinmom,

I'm not comfortable dishing out advice.

But let me say: I know where you are. I've been there.

My H left me for another woman when I was 2 months pregnant in 2005. I felt so weak and vulnerable. It was TOUGH to "GAL" with a baby bump! I wanted my H to notice me - I wanted to do things that made him miss me - but nothing was working. I didn't feel desirable. Or sexy. I felt like a complete lump of maternal blubberishness. (I know that's not a word, but you know what I mean - ha.) I *wanted* at the time to be able to compete with OW and the needs she was meeting for my H. And he was hell-bent on being with her. And it dang near drove me insane.

But I was looking at it alllll wrong.

(Just a little background: H is the stepfather of my two older DDs, and they are the only children we had at the time. He essentially cut off communication with them, too. So that's a little different than your sitch, obviously. You guys have kids together already, so there's no such thing as a complete "no contact" in your case.)

But if I can offer you a suggestion, it would be:

As extraordinarily difficult as I KNOW it will be, back off of him - back out of the picture as much as possible - while he's living with OW. Think of it this way: Instead of fretting about whether you're in his "friend-zone," ask yourself: Right now, with the way H is outwardly carrying on an A with OW while you, his W, are PREGNANT ... is THAT really the kind of friend YOU want? Do you REALLY want to treat him like a friend right now??

I understand how hard it is to back up and out. Adding a pregnancy to the mix makes it even MORE difficult. And it seems counter-intuitive, if we want to save our Ms, to pull back and out of the picture.

But *nobody* looks at a doormat and finds it attractive. And if *I* can disrespect someone and they respond with nothing but sweet niceties, I know I don't find those people attractive, either.

Your H needs time to see and feel what he's missing. As long as you're always around, always willing to chat, always willing to respond to texts, then YES, I think that qualifies as you allowing him to "cake-eat." How can he start missing you if you're still always around?

It sounds to me you're doing awesome in taking time to respond to his texts, etc. But I have another idea for you to consider: You could tell him that you need some time and space to breathe and think about your future and the future of your children. Instead of texting you multiple times a day, you could recommend that he sends you one e-mail, at the end of every day (or every couple days), that includes all the questions he has about doctor's appointments, charitable donations, etc. And assure him that you will respond thoroughly and promptly, once your schedule allows.

You could suggest a firm visitation schedule with the kids so he's not contacting you, asking to have them on any random night.

You could do these things *for your OWN sanity* - and not to "win him back." This, it seems to me, might be a great "180" for you.

And here's something else: If you have told him you don't want a D, then he knows. You don't have to keep reminding him. So from now on, just use the mantra that Starsky provided - "this is difficult for all of us ..." and maybe add, "I will continue taking everything into consideration and will make the choices I feel are in the best interest of the kids and me."

You don't have to be mean, bitter or cold. But I *do* think you need to set some boundaries ... for YOU.

I know your heart is broken; I feel your pain, I really do. I know there are so many uncertainties in your sitch. I know how betrayed you feel, especially at such a vulnerable time in your life. And I know it's not easy to take care of yourself right now, even though that's the advice everyone is going to give you.

Just remember to look around and take inventory of everything in your life any time you begin to feel overwhelmed. Are your children alive and healthy? Do you have food in your refrigerator/pantry? Do you have a roof over your head? If you have all these things, then you have everything you need FOR TODAY.

Tryyyyy not to worry too much about tomorrow. It has enough worries of its own.

Just FYI, when I went completely dark with my H in 2005, and I gave him time to see what he would be missing, he eventually came back. It didn't take long. He DID, unfortunately, also have a pregnant OW. But that's a different talk-show. wink

Hang in there, mama. And know you have support here.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
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Train, thank you. Your right I need to set more boundaries. I guess in the back off my mind I thought if I allowed him to come over any time after a while it would create a problem with the ow and he would see their relationship isn't all wonderful. But your right, it's doing more harm to me than it is ow and I have to stop that.

The twins had a SLIGHT cough when he brought them home Friday morning. He sent a text last night asking how their coughs were. I waited a little while and responded "ok" he then asked better, worse, same? To which I replied "same" and he replied :-(

This morning he sent a text asking "how are you and the twins" this is the first time since he moved out that he has specifically asked how I am. I waited a while and responded the twins were the same and my strep test was negative so just a deal with it kinda thing. He had no clue I wasn't feeling good. He it's on vacation with ow right now. He replied back why didn't I tell him I was sick.... I just replied "why would I" and kept asking when I started feeling sick so I replied to that and he said sorry your sick and glad it's not strep. I never responded.
And the contact continues..... here sent me a text saying he spent some $$ out off our joint account for new work shoes.. to which I don't plan on responding.

My 180's have been to build a better relationship with his mom. (One of the trais he says drove us apart)
To be emotionally stable/happy (he said he couldn't deal with my rollercoaster emotions)
To spend $$ on myself (this is something I never do)
I am also planning a weekend away by myself, but he doesn't know about that yet


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Yep. Sounds to me like he's cake-eating. (I'm just learning what that term means - ha.)

Maybe he wants to genuinely be friendly. And you'll get there one day. But if you're wanting to save your M, I don't think being friendly WHILE he's involved in an A is the way to go. I think that's a mixed-signal for you both.

Maybe he's placating himself by being nice, making him feel less guilty about leaving you pregnant. And if you're being all nice in return, he doesn't feel as guilty. (P.S. You WANT him to feel guilty.)

Or maybe he's genuinely having a hard time completely leaving you alone because, in the back of his mind, he still thinks about you and wonders if he'll ever want to return to the M.

In any scenario, I think you might want to consider protecting YOURSELF by providing a little distance between the two of you ... and sooner rather than later.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
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Yep, your right.... when he brought the twins home Friday morning I wasn't here. I had fallen asleep at a friend's house but he didn't know that, he just saw me in the same clothes I had on/make up still kinda on from the day before. He got to the house before me (I was running late which I NEVER do) and he was unloading the dishwasher and reloading it. He then took the garbage out and since it was garbage day took the cans to the street. He ended up being late for work.
He never asked where I had been or who I was with and it really didn't seem to bother him. I am going to put some major distance between the two of us and see what happens.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Keep us posted; I'll check in! smile


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
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Ok so I have done a lot of thinking and realize that H said he couldn't take my rollercoaster emotions. I have realized that when I was having an "off" day at first H would pay extra attention to me and make me feel better. Then slowly he didn't pay as much attention so I guess I would "pout" more and make just an off day look like the end of the world. I have come to realize that this negative way is the way I sought attention on a regular basis from H.

I have done a 180 and do not do this at all anymore. But since he is living happy family life with her I don't think he notices much. He isn't here in the evening to know what kind of day I have had and yesterday morning was the first time in 3 weeks he asked how I was doing. (Via text)

Do I write him a letter telling him how sorry I am for playing this "game" for attention instead of just telling him I needed his attention more? Or do I just keep it to myself and keep consistent with my 180.(which I will keep consistent with that no matter what)


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Twin mom,

No letter. I'm sorry you find yourself here. I can only imagine how stressful it is being pregnant dealing with this very stressful situation.

I may sound harsh. You want to write a letter to you h who is living with another woman while you are pregnant with his child to apologize for your mood swings? No. No. No. We all make mistakes. All Rs have issues and it's great that you recognize some things you need to work on for YOU. That's great!

Your h has made a very adult decision with consequences. It's nice that he helps you as I'm sure that makes things slightly easier for you. However , back off and focus on yourself and the kids. Don't try to analyze everything he does. He could be doing things due to guilt and I'm sure he does care about you and the kids.

However, back off. Have zero expectations. You will get exactly where you need to get if you stay focused.



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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NO LETTER.

You've gotten EXCEPTIONAL advice here in the past 24 hours. I hope you'll follow it.

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Thank you everyone, yes I am following it already. I never responded to his text yesterday about spend $32 from joint account and this morning he text again asking how I was feeling and the twins. I waited 3 hours then relayed the info about fevers/coughs/runny noses. He responded back asking more sickness related questions but I don't plan on responding till tonight if at all.

I will not be writing that letter just consistently doing the 180 and detaching/distancing because train is right who wants a door mat?


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Just keeping myself on track here........
I got a text asking if I had any plans today. NOT going to respond to that!


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Geeeeez Louise. He's relentless with the texting!

I'm thankful you decided against the letter.

Hope everyone starts feeling better in a hurry! smile


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Joined: Mar 2014
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Oh his texting is non stop.... I didn't respond to the "have any plans?" Text so I got another one (mind you he is driving back from a mini vaca with her) saying he will be back in town in an hour can he spend some time with the twins.

I waited about 45 min and replied with a simple "we have plans" to which I got "ok! Well if there is any time before bed I can see them let me know" I never replied

I then get a text saying he was sorry he didn't put the stroller back in the van and I had to go the weekend without it (I never said a word to him about it) and he asked if I needed him to bring it by. I didn't reply....... an hour later I get another text asking if I need the stroller.... waiting a while and then plan on a simple "no" reply.....

I keep telling myself NOT to read into his motives on so much contact..... distance and detatch!!!!


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Joe, I asked you very nicely to please stop asking me for the twins last minute like this. We had an agreement last week on when you would pick them up. This situation is hard for everyone but these are the choices you made.


So last week I tried to set some boundaries with regards to random texts asking for time with the twins
Yesterday he asked for time with them in the afternoon/evening, I ignored and waited to reply that we were busy.
Today I get a text saying he is leaving work early (grrrrrrrrrr he NEVER did this during our marriage) and he would like to pick up the twins from the babysitter till I get home or dinner.
Ugh! He loves his kids but what "natural" consequences of divorce does he have if he sees them whenever he feels like it? Gets his "family" time then alone time with her?
This is the message I sent back


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Grrrr he refuses to follow the agreed upon schedule! He wants the kids when he feels like it and won't stop!

How do I respond without being the evil one


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Originally Posted By: twinmom

How do I respond without being the evil one



Start by making the decision that, from this day forward, "Mamabear" will do what's best for her cubs, his feelings about you being "evil" or anything else be damned.

In my own sitch, once I decided to stop doing things from a perspective of "If I do this, how will she (my wife) respond? How will her reaction make ME feel? Will she be angry??" . . . and instead ask myself, "What is the RIGHT thing to do here in this situation? What is the thing that God Himself would have me do, if He were standing right in front of me?"

THAT was liberating (not to mention appropriate).

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Yeah. Starsky backed me up on this issue in my own sitch the other day, twinmom.

I had to start placing some boundaries on H's times with the kids when he started trying to spend more and more time here and/or with them than we had originally agreed on.

Establishing a firm schedule does not make you evil. It makes you smart. And it will help YOU - and your PMA - to have that set, predictable schedule. It negates the need for half the texts he's sending, and I do believe it will help you detach if you're not hearing from him as often as he's been in touch.

It's the smart thing to do. Plain and simple.


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Prayers please from everyone, because damn it I am a wreck tonight.
While I was at work he went and picked up the kids from the babysitter (his mom at my house) and had them back before I got home from work.
I called him on my way home from work and said I was having a formal parenting plan drawn up for him to sign by the end of the week. He flatly said "no" I told him it wasn't a question.
He starts in that I am inconsistant saying one minute that three days in a row is too long for the twins to go without seeing either one of us (I agree and the parenting plan I have figured out addresses that) and that I always tell him I will never keep his children away from him (again I will never keep the kids away during a regularly scheduled visit, not this bullshit of seeing them for a few hours every day when it fits his schedule)
He started to scream at me on the phone and I reminded him I was calm and he needed to be too, he said [censored] You (has never said that to me EVER) and I hung up on him. I got a "I am sorry" text about 10minutes later.
I then get a text about 30 minutes later asking if I made an appointment for Vivian's hair cut and if not he was going to do so.
His mom is there overnight tonight so I went to the library to use the computer in peace just telling her I had an appointment. I get a text from H asking me to call him when I am done with my appointment. No clue what he wants but it's most likely to say he wants to file ASAP or something else to hurt me......
I have decided I don't want to be friends with him right now and I need to have as little contact as possible but I am VERY concerned that in doing so he will just see it as a chance to completely move on from the marriage and be happy in his dream world with her..... GAH! Ok, going home to take an anti anxity med and any and all comments are MOST welcome and I have my last (that I can afford right now) phone session with my DB coach thursday morning.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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My prayers go out to you and your family. My DB coach used to say that anger only made our sitches worse and never leads to anything good. Any when we're punitive towards a S it leads to a parent/child relationship. I see both in what you've tried to do to your H on this. I know you're hurt, but you need to proceed calmly and coolly. See if you can regain your footing here. Take a breath. This isn't a hill to die in, is it?

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Originally Posted By: twinmom

I have decided I don't want to be friends with him right now and I need to have as little contact as possible but I am VERY concerned that in doing so he will just see it as a chance to completely move on from the marriage and be happy in his dream world with her..... GAH! .


Just about everyone who DBs has this thought, but it's actually kinda the idea. Let them have each other -- bad moods, bad breath, warts and all. NO MORE FANTASY FAIRY TALE.

You handled his obscenity boundary very well. Stick to your guns, on the boundaries, the parenting plan, the going dim. YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THINGS. Don't judge the rightness of it by his REACTIONS to it. Those are HIS problems, not yours.

Mamabear needs to protect her cubs, and give them structure right now. They need it more than ever!

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

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Well, I think that Starsky really knows his stuff. So I will defer to him in this ...

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Ummmmmm yes. Standing strongly behind (beside) wink Starsky on this.


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so maybe epic fail??? I leave library with research and a drawn up parenting plan. The research is Indiana parenting laws and other states parenting plans based on the age of our twins.
He starts yelling at me that I told his mom I don't want to be friends with him, that I will co parent but who wants to be friends with a person who does "xyz"?Then he brought up $$ and that the money is "his" and I said I would only discuss $$ with a lawyer present. He keeps going to I hang up on him.

He is waiting in my driveway when I got home. He doesn't think the parenting plan is fair and he doesn't even want to see the research. He wanted to know why I was crying in the phone earlier and I said I didn't want to talk about it. He said I needed to tell him. I said I would be glad to listen if he wanted to talk but I didn't have to tell him why I was upset. (Crying because my husband left me pregnant duh)

I finally shoved the papers at him told him he had a chemical dependency problem(addicted to affair) and I wasn't responsible for fixing him. I walked inside and he left.

I get a phone call an hour later that I didn't answer and a text saying some changes need to be made to the schedule but can be discussed later.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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I'm so sorry, tm. You did so well under the circumstances though.

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The twins birthday is coming up we have tickets to go to see Seasame Street live and their party planned at a train restaurant the next day (only his immediate family know the situation)

I forgot to mention that in his conversion withrme outside last night he said he doesn't think we should go together to Seasame Street (tickets have been bought and he knows I can't take them by myself) and we aren't having their party together.

Ugh......


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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How is he supposed to miss me when he contacts me every day?
The twins have a cold, runny nose/cough. Nothing life threatening but he sent a text this morning asking how they were. I feel like a bi$@# if I don't respond because maybe he is just being a concerned father. I responded with "same as yesterday" he then proceeded to ask me if I gave them any meds... I answered very short and to the point on what "treatments" they had been given. He responded "ok"

I just feel like if he is supposed to miss me he isn't even getting the chance. Bad day already feeling like I am at the bottom of the hole with no way up.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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TM,

I'm sorry you we having a bad day. Don't worry about your h missing you. This isn't a quick fix. Focus on your kids and try to enjoy your pregnancy. Don't worry about your h. He's a big boy.



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Is the weather nice where you are, twinmom? Can you take a walk? Take the kids to the park? Go to the library?

On the crappy days, FORCE yourself to get out. I'm about to take a quick jog on the treadmill and then force myself to take the kids to the park

As for the texts, I completely agree with you, as you know.

Again, consider sending him a text, telling him to shoot you one e-mail a day with all his questions about the kids and anything else. If he doesn't do that, then you could stop responding to his texts entirely and then start sending him one e-mail at the end of every day, responding to all the questions he has asked.

TRAIN HIM HOW TO TREAT YOU. You have the power to do that.


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Originally Posted By: Train


Again, consider sending him a text, telling him to shoot you one e-mail a day with all his questions about the kids and anything else. If he doesn't do that, then you could stop responding to his texts entirely and then start sending him one e-mail at the end of every day, responding to all the questions he has asked.

TRAIN HIM HOW TO TREAT YOU. You have the power to do that.



I love this!! ^^^
whistle whistle


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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And now a text about taking one of the twins for a haircut this week. I swear today I want to block his number! Not going to respond to this!


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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I am actually at work right now. My last day is Friday :-\ I will be ignoring all his texts and responding in one text (he doesn't really use email) at the end of the day. Stressful day at work (I am a behaviorist for a local school system, contact based so that's why my last day is Friday)




Originally Posted By: Train
Is the weather nice where you are, twinmom? Can you take a walk? Take the kids to the park? Go to the library?

On the crappy days, FORCE yourself to get out. I'm about to take a quick jog on the treadmill and then force myself to take the kids to the park

As for the texts, I completely agree with you, as you know.

Again, consider sending him a text, telling him to shoot you one e-mail a day with all his questions about the kids and anything else. If he doesn't do that, then you could stop responding to his texts entirely and then start sending him one e-mail at the end of every day, responding to all the questions he has asked.

TRAIN HIM HOW TO TREAT YOU. You have the power to do that.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Attagirl. I think it will help you A LOT.

He may still try to text a lot through the day at first. Stay consistent. And hopefully he will eventually catch on. wink


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Well he sent another text that he made a haircut appointment for the twins tomorrow then a few hours later he asked what time their speech therapist will be here tomorrow morning (which he should have known but maybe forgot?)

I never replied, just told him in person when he came to pick up the kids this evening.

I am so reminding myself that affairs usually end in 6mo but I am second guessing this with him and just not very hopeful today.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Originally Posted By: twinmom
Well he sent another text that he made a haircut appointment for the twins tomorrow then a few hours later he asked what time their speech therapist will be here tomorrow morning (which he should have known but maybe forgot?)

I never replied, just told him in person when he came to pick up the kids this evening.



Well done! whistle


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

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Thank you, I guess I just really need the hand holding, yes your doubt the right thing support...... I found out he ordered direct tv at her house..... just more nails in the coffin, but I won't give up.

Just keep telling myself she needs to meet his needs (which she is right now, as his main need is to feel like he makes his "wife" happy and I am sure she is still all smiles every day)


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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So I totally messed up today..... stupid pregnancy hormones are killing me.
Twins have speech therapist that comes to the house every week. So H bright the twins here at 9. I was supposed to be at work but due to cancelled meetings I had the day off, but never told him. I scheduled an afternoon at the spa.
I was still asleep when they walked in and got up/made coffee/etc H asked about work and I explained cancelled meetings. I was super emotional and started getting tears in my eyes. He asked what was wrong and I broke all the DB rules and said I think it [censored] that he didn't give our marriage a chance and that he never told me he was unhappy or that we needed to work on things. I said it wasn't fair and that I thought he owed our kids and me more than just walking out the door.
I cried and reached in for a hug, he hugged me back and said that it was convenient that I made all the changes he wanted after he threatened and moved out. I said "threatened?" You never did that you just left. He said again the things he didn't like about our marriage and I agreed and said I was sorry for those things and I completely understood his feelings.
We hugged a few more times. Speech therapy ended and he left with the kids and I went to the spa.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Been thinking of you and looking for an update today.

We're not gonna let one setback hold you down. No, ma'am.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and jump right back in. That's what we do.

Did you enjoy your time at the spa??? You deserve that! smile


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Twinmom,

I know this is hard (remember, I did go thru this too), but you simply cannot turn to your wayward husband to be YOUR source of comfort right now. You lose all of the baby steps you've gained when you do that.

That was one of THE hardest things for me to accept (that, and the whole "Starsky, you cannot control her/this" thing) -- that the woman I loved, that I forsook all others for, was NOT MY FRIEND (at least not in her current, wayward state), and NO FRIEND OF THE MARRIAGE.

And as much as I was hurting (and I was), I couldn't (and shouldn't!) turn to HER, for comfort.

Uggggh. That killed me.

It's good to show your emotions once or twice, early on, but once you're in the stage you're in right now, you've got to be STRONG. It's the only way he's going to respect you, and the only way you can hope to re-build attraction and have him respect your boundaries.

Back up on the horse, soldier. mad smile


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Ummmmm. Yes. What HE said ^^^^.


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The spa was nice.... I cant indulge in my favorite treatment while pregnant so I settled for a massage and water therapy. Still dealing with this stupid cold so she did some sinus work for me and that helped a little. Ended up sitting in the relax room (fireplace/massage chairs/cold mask on eyes) for over 2 hours after my treatments were done.... came home and more texts from H this time pics of the twins haircuts and questions about a family (his family) situation.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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I know, tomorrow is a new day. I really hope I didn't lose any ground I had gained. Grrrrrrrrr, mad at myself but going to get back into the saddle....


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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My last phone call with my coach this morning..... just can't afford another $700 to keep going with that. I have been up since 2am as this cold turned into a sinus infection. My mind keeps going back and forth between pig week just be done and wanting my marriage.....

Stupid me looked at the phone bill and saw he called a lawyer on Monday (only a 2 min call) then called same lawyer three times in a matter of an hour yesterday with each call being 1 minute long.....

Gah! Just torturing myself by looking. But can't figure out why so many very short calls. I am not going to say anything to him.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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I promise the BEST thing you can do for yourself and your peace of mind is to stop snooping. I promise. I know it's hard. But you will feel sooooo much better.


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Holy withdrawal symptoms.......
Dr put me on zoloft and ativan as needed.... well ativan is high risk for the baby so I only took it when I was really losing my mind and have been trying to cut back even more. Super high pulse, shaking, mind blowing high anxiety levels..... I left work early but had to sit on the parking lot for almost an hour because I didn't trust myself to drive.....

On another note, db coach to keep waiting/ignoring some texts and we discussed the upcoming birthday party and Seasame Street Live tickets.... hoping H decides to go as planned but I sent his mom a text asking her if she can help me take them if he decides not to. Have not heard back from her yet.

Have a meeting with Father Bertino tonight and hopefully that will be calming to talk to him.

The older boys went to their dad's this morning and the twins won't be home till tomorrow morning so trying to think of something to do after my meeting with Father........


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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So H's mom sent a text last night saying that H does want to go to Seasame Street and he thought I didn't want him to go. Ummmmm, no! I replied back with the exact conversion I had with H and said "your son is confusing the crap out of me"
I sent H a text saying "have you thought about Seasame Street" and he immediately relied back "I will go"
He then sent a text about a birthday gift for his brother to which I didn't reply as i was already drifting off and replied at 3am when I woke to use the bathroom.

He took the twins for a haircut on Wednesday and when his mom questioned why I didn't take Vivian he gave her the impression that I didn't want to go with. Ummmmmm HE NEVER INVITED ME! I am assuming as he took 2 vacation days and ow did too that she went with :-( just frustrated how he tries to soon himself add the


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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My last day of work :-\ glad to be done but then again it was adult interaction with a very nice monetary reward that slightly kept my mind off this miserable situation.

He still insists on texting/calling numerous times per day (all with a reason, no "how is your day) I typically respond 2+ hours later if at all......

Met at friend and wandered around Costco for a while tonight..... but really need GAL ideas... all my friends are married/kids so they are really busy in a daily basis. Can anyone help me with some ideas? And whenever I take the kids to the park or go for walks that is the worst time for my mind wandering to H and what he might be doing/situation.....


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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H's birthday is coming up at the end of the month. I HATE gift cards, I think they are the most impersonal "I really didn't put that much effort into your gift" kind of gift.... H knows I NEVER give a gift card as a gift, that I always put lots of effort into picking out something I think the person can really use/will love. I know now is not the right time to buy him gifts but I want to get him something from the twins. So I was thinking a card and a gift card to a store I know he shops at..... This would be a 180 for me that says "your not on my priority list anymore"..... Is this going too far or the perfect message that he just kind of exists in my life but I don't give him too much thought.... (acting as if)


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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It hit me hard today, I was fine this morning. Put the twins down for a nap and started reading a new book and it was just like I got punched in the stomach. When the twins got up I called my mom (we are NOT close) and we took them downtown (Chicago) for dinner at rainforest cafe. Kids had a blast and it did take my mind off things for just a little while. Home now, kids in bed and I am going to try to sleep.....


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Ok I need input..... was this a good 180?
H brings kids back early because one of them has been throwing up all day. I give him some meds and he goes to watch Thomas.....
H asks about rainforest cafe and about a birthday party at a local kids place. He tells me he took them to the kids place last Thursday with ow..... I start to tense up, feel the tears coming.. about a year ago we had a huge fight and he yelled at me that I tried so hard to save my first marriage (no db style) why wouldn't I fight like that for our marriage, well tonight I asked him if he remembered that conversation and he said yes. I then said "you don't want me to fight for our marriage now" to which he replied "no" so I said ok, our relationship is dead I never want to go back to that relationship again. I am done fighting for that marriage. I want something new, with a clean slate. I hugged him and whispered that he was once everything to me and good bye.

I know he has known that I was holding on still, was it the right thing to do to tell him I let go of that relationship?


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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I honestly don't think he'll make the distinction. The interaction struck me as just more holding on, to be honest.


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I guess now all I can do is back up my words with action? He asked this morning if Alex was able to eat/keep it down. I answered that question and then he asked how I was. I was taking the kids to school and then getting the van washed/cleaning it out so after I was done I replied to his question. He responded and I left it at that....

I am thinking once the kids get completely over these colds he won't communicate nearly as much, but this is only the second time in 4 weeks that he has asked me how I am. Baby step or reading too much into it?


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
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I thought the goal you had set for yourself was to email him only ONCE at the end of the day, and answer any questions about the KIDS ONLY?

Or am I getting your sitch confused with someone else? I thought I had remembered Train or someone suggesting that you to, and you thought it was a good idea. I certainly do! These exchanges only set you reeling, in my observation.

Starsky


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I did like texting only once per day to answer all questions except I thought if I were him I would want to know if our kids had vomited or were keeping food down. And yes I totally took the bait when he asked about me


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
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I know how hard it is, especially when you're emotional and grasping at straws, but what good does it do for you to tell - or for him to know - that the kids are not keeping food down?

You are a strong, confidant woman and mother. One who doesn't need to inform your H when the kids aren't feeling well. You've got this handled. You don't NEED him. (And texting him about such things really DOES count as "pursuing," IMO.)

Here's the thing, specific to As: When Hs leave, it's usually because the OW offers a temporary escape from the cumbersome aspects of home (the kids, the bills, the dishes, the dinner choices, the laundry). So what exactly are you giving him when you send him several messages throughout the day about the kids? More of the same ...

And, yes, I know you're just responding to what he's asking. But wanna know why he's asking? To ease his own guilty conscience. To make him feel like he's more of a dad than what he's being. And you're enabling him to feel that very way.

If your H was texting only once a day to check in with the kids, or calling them once a night, okay. Not a problem, IMO. But he's texting you RELENTLESSLY. I fall to pieces for an entire Monday over seeing my husband ONCE A WEEK on Sunday. My heart races for an hour after I see his name pop up on my phone in my text feed, even if the message is just, "Yup." I cannot IMAGINE how difficult it would be if he was constantly "in my face" or popping up in my texts. Suffice it to say it would keep me at Square One indefinitely. All day long. Over and over.

Really consider the once-a-day message. And stick to it. No matter how hard it is. Even if the kids are vomiting. YOU CAN HANDLE THIS. You've got it, mama. You don't need him. Remember that. Try the once-a-day message for 3 weeks. Monitor results. See if it helps your PMA. smile


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Originally Posted By: Train
I know how hard it is, especially when you're emotional and grasping at straws, but what good does it do for you to tell - or for him to know - that the kids are not keeping food down?

You are a strong, confidant woman and mother. One who doesn't need to inform your H when the kids aren't feeling well. You've got this handled. You don't NEED him. (And texting him about such things really DOES count as "pursuing," IMO.)

Here's the thing, specific to As: When Hs leave, it's usually because the OW offers a temporary escape from the cumbersome aspects of home (the kids, the bills, the dishes, the dinner choices, the laundry). So what exactly are you giving him when you send him several messages throughout the day about the kids? More of the same ...

And, yes, I know you're just responding to what he's asking. But wanna know why he's asking? To ease his own guilty conscience. To make him feel like he's more of a dad than what he's being. And you're enabling him to feel that very way.

If your H was texting only once a day to check in with the kids, or calling them once a night, okay. Not a problem, IMO. But he's texting you RELENTLESSLY. I fall to pieces for an entire Monday over seeing my husband ONCE A WEEK on Sunday. My heart races for an hour after I see his name pop up on my phone in my text feed, even if the message is just, "Yup." I cannot IMAGINE how difficult it would be if he was constantly "in my face" or popping up in my texts. Suffice it to say it would keep me at Square One indefinitely. All day long. Over and over.

Really consider the once-a-day message. And stick to it. No matter how hard it is. Even if the kids are vomiting. YOU CAN HANDLE THIS. You've got it, mama. You don't need him. Remember that. Try the once-a-day message for 3 weeks. Monitor results. See if it helps your PMA. smile



What she said. ^^^^ x 2.


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I put the plan into action tonight :-)
As far as easing his guilt you are right, 100%
This is a man who from the day I stopped nursing (13 mo old) has gotten up every single time either one has woken up in the middle of the night. He also has gotten them out of bed every single morning (rare occasion they sleep past when he leaves for work)
He did 100% of the laundry, and we cloth diaper, because he wanted to. This it's a man who every Sunday would let me sleep till 9 and have the twins bathed and ready for church. That's why I find it so heartbreaking that he thought our marriage was so horrible he was willing to sacrifice time with the kids to not be around me.
He still takes out the garbage and brings me coffee when he comes to pick up the twins.

But I did it, I didn't respond or text (since I posted this morning) and sent one long one this evening answering everything.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Attagirl. The quicker we can come to terms with the fact that they are NOT the men we married and lived with (at least for now), the sooner we will make peace with the current circumstances. Good for you. Now stick with it. Don't budge. Consistency, consistency, consistency. It's the best thing for you ... and the ONLY thing that might bring results. Hang in there!


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Originally Posted By: twinmom


But I did it, I didn't respond or text (since I posted this morning) and sent one long one this evening answering everything.



GOOD JOBBIES!!!
whistle grin


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
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Both my almost 13yr old and my 7 yr old have Kindles. I randomly check then to make sure they haven't downloaded anything inappropriate and look at their web history. While doing so this morning I saw on the 7yr olds he had been using his text app a lot. No biggie but I looked at the texts (he only had numbers for me, his dad, his dad's live in girlfriend and H) he had sent this text to the girlfriend
"Joe really liked the m&m candy bag, can I buy him a really big bag of m&m's so he will come see me?"

Backstory.... boys went to Easter party this past weekend and when they came home on Sunday he had treat bags for both H and myself.
This is killing me to see my boys pain!

H texts this morning asking how everyone was doing, then sends another text asking if I want him to take the boys to school (after we had the conversation last Monday that I no longer want him to do that) he then calls but doesn't leave a voice mail mid morning. I then get a text "are you ok today" this afternoon. I have not replied to anything, I will send a text tonight with info about car insurance/registration that came in the mail today.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Re: the boys ...

I read something the other day that said, essentially, it's better for kids to say they're from a broken home than to actually live in one.

Take heart. The kids are resilient. They are fine - and will continue to be - because you are their "constant."

And GOOD FOR YOU for sticking to those guns!! Yeah!!!


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Let's see I ignored 1 phone call and 4 texts today :-)
I just sent him a long text answering everything and giving all info he should need


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Well done!

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YEAH, twin!!!!!!!!!! Pat yourself on the back once (or three times) for me. WAY TO GO!!!!


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GOOD JOBBIES!!! whistle


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
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remember also that you don't need to answer every question he asks. You are allowed to have privacy. You don't have to answer when he asks how you are doing...

he is trying to make sure you are OK with everything

if you aren't...don't say you are...don't say anything...don't answer the question

he no longer has the right to know all these intimacies about you

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He didn't show up at my Dr appointment this morning.... first prenatal appointment he had missed with the twins or this pregnancy. It was always important for him to be there. No call/no text today.....

Keep telling myself no expectations but the tears don't stop


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
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Chin up, twinmom. He's probably just "lashing out" over you slowing down your communication yesterday. He's having a temper tantrum, I bet, and trying to "make you pay." In other words, I'm betting, judging from how in-your-face he's been all along, this is a move he made to "punish" you. Which means he's trying to control you and make you "play" on his terms.

Don't fall for that.

Cry as much as you need to. Get it out of your system. But understand - at least from my vantage point - that him not showing up is a GOOD sign for YOU.

Starsky told me once that setting boundaries will oftentimes, at least temporarily, push a wayward spouse AWAY. Don't let this shock you.

Keep doing what you're doing.


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So I went home took an Ativan and laid down while the twins were napping. He had texted twice and called twice that I ignored..... while half asleep my phone rang and I answered it not looking at who was calling. He asked what was wrong, why we were not communicating anymore and I said nothing is wrong.
He asked how my Dr appointment was and I said, you were not there (MISTAKE, I know) but told him I hadn't gained any weight and had to go back in two weeks.
He kept trying to explain himself why he wasn't there but I kept saying it didn't matter I wasn't upset.
He asked what time seasame street live is on Saturday and what plans were for before/after.
He then asked about Easter and I said I was making dinner that I had invited his mom/dad if their family didn't make plans. That I thought it was important for the twins to see their grandparents on Easter.
He seemed to be searching for something else to keep me on the phone but I just said "is that all" and her couldn't come up with anything so I said good bye.
15 min conversation


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Just booked a solo trip to Vegas for 3 days at the end of April..... I have never gone on vacation alone (and have never been to Vegas) but I figured there is enough to do/see there I won't feel lonely and will enjoy the warm weather


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Good for you! Solo trips are awesome. Enjoy yourself :-)



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H has a niece that turns 3 today.... her party is Sunday (right after the twins party) and I was thinking about going....
His biggest complaints in our marriage were that I wasn't accepting/close with his family and that I was too emotional.... one of my 180's has been to really form a good relationship with his mom. I was thinking me going to the birthday party would also show consistency in that 180


Thoughts on this?


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
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Twin mom,

I'm no expert, but your h is living with another woman. It's great that you heard his complaints and perhaps those were valid. However, at this point you should only go to the party if YOU want to. I'm sorry but your h made a very grown up decision, and I think you need to focus on you at this time.

Just my 2 cents



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I do want to go, I love his family (they just drive me nuts)

He told me about the party and I asked if I was supposed to go (only his mom/brothers know what's going on his extended family has no clue) he said that choice was completely up to me.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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To clarify he has 4 brothers....
He is the oldest, next brother had been in/out of jail for drugs
The next one plays poker for a living but otherwise is ok, next brother is 28 still lives at home. No car, no job.... just refuses to grow up
Youngest is the 3yr olds dad and another baby due any day (same mom but they are not together) he just had his car repossessed and was served an eviction notice.... He has a job but can't manage money.
Dad is an alcoholic and his mom is a hoarder (I have never been into his parents house because H is too embarrassed) with the same money management problems as the youngest brother

I tend to practice tough love and H feels like he needs to be everyone's caretaker. That was our biggest problem, I wanted him to "detach" from his families negative behaviors and he felt like I didn't accept them. They are very nice people and I love them.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Originally Posted By: Georgiabelle
Twin mom,

I'm no expert, but your h is living with another woman. It's great that you heard his complaints and perhaps those were valid. However, at this point you should only go to the party if YOU want to. I'm sorry but your h made a very grown up decision, and I think you need to focus on you at this time.

Just my 2 cents


DITTO, so there's my third and fourth cents. smirk


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Originally Posted By: twinmom
To clarify he has 4 brothers....
He is the oldest, next brother had been in/out of jail for drugs
The next one plays poker for a living but otherwise is ok, next brother is 28 still lives at home. No car, no job.... just refuses to grow up
Youngest is the 3yr olds dad and another baby due any day (same mom but they are not together) he just had his car repossessed and was served an eviction notice.... He has a job but can't manage money.
Dad is an alcoholic and his mom is a hoarder (I have never been into his parents house because H is too embarrassed) with the same money management problems as the youngest brother


Sounds like regular pillars of their community ((((rolls eyes))))


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would you go if you were still together?
if you were still together, why would you go?

if those reasons are valid reasons like...I would go because we are family and I am close to this child, then YES I would go

if the reasons aren't valid like...I would go because we are married and I had to but I would only go for like an hour...then NO I wouldn't go

don't turn this child's party into someplace to try and show how you have changed...

this party is for her
if you would go for HER...go...

If no then stay home

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Originally Posted By: figgeroni
would you go if you were still together?
if you were still together, why would you go?

if those reasons are valid reasons like...I would go because we are family and I am close to this child, then YES I would go

if the reasons aren't valid like...I would go because we are married and I had to but I would only go for like an hour...then NO I wouldn't go

don't turn this child's party into someplace to try and show how you have changed...

this party is for her
if you would go for HER...go...

If no then stay home



BINGO.


Starsky


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Yep, H is the only who doesn't drink (had never even had one beer in his life) has a college degree, stable job since graduating from college and financially responsible......



Originally Posted By: Starsky309
Originally Posted By: twinmom
To clarify he has 4 brothers....
He is the oldest, next brother had been in/out of jail for drugs
The next one plays poker for a living but otherwise is ok, next brother is 28 still lives at home. No car, no job.... just refuses to grow up
Youngest is the 3yr olds dad and another baby due any day (same mom but they are not together) he just had his car repossessed and was served an eviction notice.... He has a job but can't manage money.
Dad is an alcoholic and his mom is a hoarder (I have never been into his parents house because H is too embarrassed) with the same money management problems as the youngest brother


Sounds like regular pillars of their community ((((rolls eyes))))


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Originally Posted By: twinmom
Yep, H is the only who doesn't drink (had never even had one beer in his life) has a college degree, stable job since graduating from college and financially responsible......




OK, trying to bite my tongue here . . . mad


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

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Yes, I would typically go. I love the family events... I am an only child so I love big family stuff, I just didn't know if this would be considered chasing.....
I always host every holiday and love doing it... I just made the mistake in the past of complaining to H about all the crazy stuff his family was doing after these events.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Originally Posted By: Starsky309
Originally Posted By: twinmom
Yep, H is the only who doesn't drink (had never even had one beer in his life) has a college degree, stable job since graduating from college and financially responsible......




OK, trying to bite my tongue here . . . mad


Don't! I like a person who speaks their mind


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Originally Posted By: twinmom


Don't! I like a person who speaks their mind



OK: I see in your husband's unconscionable behavior (having an affair while his wife is PREGNANT? Really???) him being more like his family than him being different than them.

Is this is the 360-degree dysfunction he comes out of, it would tend to skew my already-tough advice to you about what to do with this man. I'm as pro-marriage as anybody, but I question whether he has the upbringing necessary to be able to even pull this off if he WANTED to.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

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Ok, I get what your saying. He may not drink or do drugs but his behavior is just as bad/irresponsible as his family.

Are you saying he will most likely not have the skills to want to return/work on our marriage or if he does he will most likely just cheat again? Sorry, I am dense today....

And yes I completely understand I have not accepted my life as a single person and constantly think about wanting my family back. I know I need to accept this but it's harder than I thought it would be.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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twin,

I won't speak for Starsky, but, yes. Unfortunately, I think the ABILITY of your H to pull up his big-boy pants and be responsible and a genuine "quality person" is in question, especially considering his upbringing.

Please try not to beat yourself up about not reaching a point of acceptance. It's FAR too early in the process for you to have such lofty expectations of yourself. Unfortunately (or fortunately), this takes time. And lots of it. Be patient with yourself.

One of my favorite quotes of all time:

"I beg you ... to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." (Rainer Maria Rilke)


M: 40 H: 44
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S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
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Originally Posted By: twinmom

Are you saying he will most likely not have the skills to want to return/work on our marriage or if he does he will most likely just cheat again? Sorry, I am dense today....


I'm saying the WILLINGNESS beast is hard enough, but once he is slain if you still are left with the ABILITY to even do what is necessary?

I will never say "never," at least not as long as God is still in the business of changing souls. But short of that kind of total divine, road-to-Damascus kind of moment for your husband, yeah . . . I guess I'm saying I see him as at LEASDT 50% unwilling to, and then even if he gets to the point where he WANTS to, I see him being 90% unable to pull it off, considering his background.

Not good odds, and at some point I think you need to realize that you deserve -- and can have -- better.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

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Not good odds, and at some point I think you need to realize that you deserve -- and can have -- better.



BAH- BAM. Spot on:)



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Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
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Maybe it's just my emotions getting in the way but what guy is really going to want to get involved with someone with 5 kids? I seriously think the odds suck at finding someone, much less someone of quality.....

I do deserve better, I know that much. I just don't think it will ever happen.





Originally Posted By: Georgiabelle


Not good odds, and at some point I think you need to realize that you deserve -- and can have -- better.



BAH- BAM. Spot on:)


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Twin Mom,

Please! What a strong, intelligent woman you are! A smart, quality man would see that a woman whose h moved in with another woman while she was pregnant and raising other kids must be a woman of strength and tenacity.

Listen, we all made mistakes in our Ms. The difference is we recognize that and are actively trying to work on ourselves to be the best we can. Please remember that your h moved in with another woman while you are pregnant. You did not make him do this. This was of his own volition. You can't own his poop. Let him be responsible for his actions. You can't be held accountable for his actions.

Let's look at it from this very different perspective. There are many people for everyone. Focus on you and your kids. Try to enjoy what I'm sure has been a very stressful pregnancy. Leave your h alone. Don't worry about what he thinks. Clearly he doesn't have the best judgement. If or when you want to find someone, you can. I'm sure of it.

Have a great Saturday and try to relax.



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Thank you. Today is the twins 2nd birthday, and H has spent all morning with us.... now on our way to Seasame Street live. I am having a hard time because he is acting like my H but without the affection and I keep telling myself over and over and over detach and no expectations.. detach, detach detach...


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Just imagine how OW must be feeling.
Muahahahahaha ....
wink

Enjoy your time! And Happy Birthday to those babies!!!


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S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
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H just left, I am so tired! He wasn't supposed to get the twins till tomorrow morning but I am in a lot of pain so when he offered to take them I said ok.

Today was a challenge! I am so proud of myself, no R talk, LOTS Lots of laughter, smiles and a great day. The challenge was not to allow myself to reach for his hand/kiss/touch him like I used to.

He had them last night and brought them home this morning. He asked if I wanted coffee and brought me a donut. He got here and said he had to run into work for a min and asked if I needed anything while he was out. I didn't expect him to come back here, he was gone about 45 min and I took the kids outside to play. He chatted with me like we used to about his work and random friends. Then he gave the twins a bath and we went to lunch.

During Seasame Street I moved the wrong way and felt intense pain and winced/gasped, he immediately put his hand on my leg and asked if I was ok. After the show I fully expected him to leave as soon as we were home, but he didn't we played with the kids in the backyard for a while then brought them inside and he still didn't leave, I was shocked. I ordered take out from a local restaurant for me and the twins(he said he didn't want anything) and we all wenty together to pick it up.

He could tell after dinner that I had overdone it today and was in a lot of pain, so he brought me some Tylenol and offered to take the kids for the night. As he was leaving he kept asking if there was anything else I needed him to do for me.
Now on to tomorrow, another busy day with both the twins party and his niece's.

I still can't believe he spent from 8am till 6pm with us..... detach/no expectations! I keep telling myself that over and over


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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