I agree with others. The kids will have to be on their own, unless you feel there's abusive situations. I addressed some of these issues with the xH and he had to handle with his new W (this was 15 years ago). Kids are young men and relate with her okay, but I am their mom. Some things, unfortunately, have to work out on their own, depending on how long the R goes with the OW. A little advice: You're the mom and H is father and the OW doesn't even know the kids, but may want to relate at some time. She may not even want them around. I had this situation and that's difficult. Your H & OW may not last long and then you'll have to help kids through it wasn't their fault syndrome. Be the listening parent and have a lot of good parenting skills and talk with the children and give them a good example.
Bk you are a great mom. I read more than I post but I really admire you and your parenting. I understand your dilemma. I know you will make the best decision for the kids. All my love to you xx
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I was so happy when I read these posts yesterday at the playground. It makes me feel so loved and just knowing I have this awesome support system makes problems not seem so daunting.
So I took Georgia's advice and emailed him, sleeping bags?? He replied yes and then emailed through out the day yesterday and this morning more things to pack. I packed them up this morning and it made me feel so much better just to know that I am sending stuff with them. Its like a little part of me is going.
They are my babies. I am the mama.
Regarding the OW, I am gonna give it some more time until I bring it up again. Like if he gives me a date that they are moving in together I will suggest she come with him for a pick up/drop off.
I have accepted that she will be part of their lives and in some ways my life. It doesnt have to be a big to-do but she needs to meet me face to face.
Yes gabby I am sure my xh doesnt want us to meet cause he is trying to control the sitch and doesn't want OW to feel bad in anyway. I already know from mutual friends that OW & exH see OW as a victim in all this because she is just doing this for love and she had nothing to do with breaking up a family... why would anyone judge her for that?
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Girls & ex left this evening and boy and I ready for a break from my kids. H switched with me last weekend so I have had the kids for 3 weeks straight with no break.
It is really hard being a single mom. Luckily my parents or sister come over 2x a week to help with bedtime.
Spent about 10 mins with ex during the exchange and I feel terrible after I see him. I feel my self esteem go down. I am going to ponder these dynamics this weekend cause I must be part of the reason I feel this way.
I also know my ex is very passive aggressive and I think I play into his script rather then call him out and once he is gone I feel bad they I have said nothing.
Like he said twice while he was here that they were not leaving directly from our place for their trip, they had to return to his apartment so he could finish dinner.
That sounded like such BS to me. I think he needed to go back to his place to pick up OW.
I would like him to be honest in front of our kids and honest to me (LOL not like he has ever been honest with me).
That was biggest issue. But he is constantly manipulating everything in his small/subtle passive aggressive ways and I hate being around him.
I have a busy & fun weekend planned and I really need a break from the kiddos!
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
D11 spent the night at a friend's house tonight. This is HUGE for her! I get a night and I'm enjoying it.
Your H sounds like a very intimidating, super big ego type of...like to spread my ego around-kinda guy...sounds like my dad. It's taken a long time for me to feel safe in my own skin around my dad. Maybe it's just a matter of time BK before you begin to feel safe enough to call him out on his B.S. I see you identifying the B.S. more and more.
He is such a little boy. It comes across in every post about him...a very immature little boy.
Look at your timeline. Three years ago this time of year, you were spinning from the ILYBNILWY. You've only been divorced since December. Give yourself some time to strengthen this new you. She's there, she's just still a little uncertain of herself. Who wouldn't be in the face of the guy who turned your world upside down. You'll get there.
One day, your grown up self will look at him and see the little boy who has no power over you anymore.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Thanks Heather - it helps to know I am not crazy and that he is really a child.
i had a lovely weekend at the beach. A gf and I from work stayed at our boss' place near the fancy Hamptons. It was quite glorious. I hung out a bit with my boss' 11 yr old daughter and that was super fun. It gave me an idea of what was coming up.
I got back to my apartment late Sunday night and spent Monday doing chores and running errands without the kids (also found some time for yoga).
Kids came back in early evening. I hate to say this but I went a little nuts. i asked them how there weekend was and they said fine and told me nothing. I was then berating them with questions. I asked d5 if she missed me and she said not really she was busy with her cousins.
I felt really rejected and I felt totally replaced because OW was on this trip with them. I felt like she got to spend the weekend mothering my kids and missed out on that. I felt jealous of my H and his GF for having a partner to help when they have the kids. Being a single mom is hard and I feel like I miss out on some of the fun cause its only me.
Positive Note: Anyway I didnt lose it completely with the kids. Several times last night I wanted to trash H and his GF and I zipped the lip. After bedtime I read some Alanon literature and that made me feel better. Today I am writing about it here to release myself from the guilt I feel.
I am back to my happy life. I have the girls for the next 2 weeks. And I hopefully wont have to deal with ex until then.
Love you guys, hope everyone had a nice weekend.
Lets all pray for the families in Santa barbara
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I thought I could offer my two cents here as an "old mother," opposed to you youngsters. :-)
Also, my Dad had his midlife crisis when my brother was a newborn. The OW actually gave my mom the outfit we brought my lil bro home in. We, at that point, had NO idea. I watched my brother grow up with OW. My dad left when he was an infant.
Anyway, the parenting the OW will do isn't real parenting. They get the weekend parenting.
When your girls say, "I hate YOU! You've ruined my life" (AND THEY WILL LOL), WELL, that's the real parenting.
When you realize that the "friend" who sits on the bus with them is telling them about blow jobs...that's the real parenting.
When they want to wear the latest in SlutWear to the school dance, that's real parenting.
My dad and OW did a lot of weekend parenting. To this day, they don't know the day-to-day details of life for my brother. My mom does. My mom knows that my SIL recently had a miscarriage. My mom knows how stressed by brother was when his inlaws had financial issues. These are the details a MOM knows.
OW will never replace you. I promise. They will grow to care for her like they do an aunt. But, YOU will ALWAYS be the MOM.
Women who are comfortable becoming a third wheel in a marriage/family are not, IMH, able to have deep and meaningful relationships with anyone, let alone children. It's easy when they are little...just wait.
The next time they freak out at you because you "Ruined MY LIFE!" know they only do that because they feel safe. They will give you all the nasty because you are the mom.
It's a huge burden as a single mom...but, that's the payoff for being truly, genuinely THERE for them. And, they will appreciate it...eventually.
And, you guys are doing the grunt work right now since they are little. I remember how exhausting it is. Even with Smokey living here, I was very alone.
But, the consistency and effort you put in now, it does pay off. Funny thing, you will forget the little stuff that you did when you didn't feel like you had anymore energy...they won't. My D20 reminds me constantly of stuff I completely forgot. Stuff that meant the world to her.
"Mom, remember when I collapsed on the soccer field because I couldn't do one more 180 and I started crying? You were there urging me to get up."
"Mom, remember when you forced me to actually drive 1000 hours before I was allowed to take my driving test? I hated you for that, but, I appreciate it now."
It's the in-the-trenches stuff they appreciate later on. For reals.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Just wanted to note some usually normal behavior from xH;
He thanked me via text yesterday and acknowledged that I did him a favor when the kids came home early on Monday.
Has called the kids in the afternoon to say hi.... never done that.
Has been texting and asking me about school for next year since he knows I went to a meeting about 1st grade. He has never participated in any of this school stuff since he left. He went to 1 school event this year out over 30ish.
who knows why, but it is nice.
Also he wanted to come by this morning and drop off the sleeping bags that we left in his car. I replied that is wasn't necessary but he could come over any day and walk kids to school even if is wasnt his day. (There has never been a time when he has not been invited over to see or help with the kids). This time he said thank you.
It would be great if I actually had someone to discuss parenting issues.
