Part of what I read in your quote and post was we dont have to force the MLC to see who we are today or show them trials and tribulations we overcome each day in raising our kids. That just by us being truthful to ourselves we come out on top.
I just also think we need to speak the truth when giving the opportunity or its like teaching creationism in a science class. Sometimes there is truth and there is fantasy. My ex's belief that I have not been overly accomandating is a complete untruth. All my divorced friends tell me not to switch weekend with him any more but I continue so he will see the kids. He sees the kids about 4 days a months. Calls maybe 2 times a week and will never call via FaceTime or Skpe. He makes zero effort. He has been to 1 school event all year. That is the truth.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I started at the beginning of your sitch and read the first 3 threads and I've been following along since joining. Your sitch has some similarities to mine so I wanted to comment on a few things.
Obviously, you've been at this longer than me. My h had many of the same complaints your h did (not enough affection and SSM-mine were valid and out marriage was more SS than yours from the reading I've done). I thought too if I had just let him kiss me or if I didn't keep rejecting him on ML, then we wouldn't be here. I realized fairly early on that most of these scenarios are unexplainable and that wouldn't have changed anything. I thought that lack of intimacy was our "issue", then h said I never supported him, he loved me more than I loved him, I tried to save money, had to be right, never went out with him on Valentine's Day (he never asked), I was too logical, too intuitive, kids loved me more, etc......Do you see where we are going? No matter what I fixed (and I have fixed what I knew was wrong. And some were valid. Very valid. Some were crazy. Gotta work on intimacy cause I can't do that with h) it was something else. And when I reread your h's email response back to you I just felt compelled to post. No matter what you do, your h will find fault with it.
I am so impressed with how far you've come. You sound so strong and determined which is great. I do think there are certain personalities who cannot ever take responsibility for their actions. Why? Well that would ruin the entire, " I'm a victim in everything " role. I remember during my M I thought it was strange that my h never apologized and actually used to say that it wasn't him-it was everyone else. I just thought,"eh. Maybe he just doesn't know how to say a simple " I'm sorry." Now I realize, that he truly cannot take the blame for anything because he would have to look ar himself.
Your h probably moved on to Jess because she buys his poor me persona. My was actually tweeting his stuff 2 weeks after moving out and promptly found a taker. My h puts the "I'm such a devoted dad and love my kids" out there because it would be horrible to put that he says he never misses the kids, they've ruined his life and that he cannot stand being around s11. Pity party wouldn't be very big if he put the stuff that's he's told me for quite a while. Same for your h. You have to be the one not amenable to things because if it was him sometimes, he would have to admit that.
I posted this long rambling diatribe to say I think you are doing so well. You don't have to respond to his email because you don't have to prove anything to him. He has his story and until he can truly tackle his demons, he will have another story for Jess at some point. Sorry for the novel.
Hope you had a great Mother's Day.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Part of what I read in your quote and post was we dont have to force the MLC to see who we are today or show them trials and tribulations we overcome each day in raising our kids. That just by us being truthful to ourselves we come out on top.
I just also think we need to speak the truth when giving the opportunity or its like teaching creationism in a science class. Sometimes there is truth and there is fantasy. My ex's belief that I have not been overly accomandating is a complete untruth. All my divorced friends tell me not to switch weekend with him any more but I continue so he will see the kids. He sees the kids about 4 days a months. Calls maybe 2 times a week and will never call via FaceTime or Skpe. He makes zero effort. He has been to 1 school event all year. That is the truth.
OK, now I have a better understanding.
I believe we should speak and live our truth. I have no control of how others interpret that and it doesn't matter to as long as I'm acting with honesty, integrity and a level of kindness.
When I move to, I'm going to do x in and effort to get someone to change or see me in a different light (and it happens more than I like to admit), I'm in trouble, resentment follows.
((bk))
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Georgia you have no idea how much it means to me that you read my early threads. It really means a lot. I cant even imagine rereading them it would be too painful.
Yes - labug I do want my xH to be a decent dad and show up for his kids. That is an expectation. My D5 draws her family with 4 people, Daddy, Mommy, herself and little sister - D4 only draws a family with 3 people - Mommy & 2 sisters. Everyday when I see dads at drop off - he has done 1 drop off all year. These things break my heart. I keep going but yes I would hope someday he will want to show up for his kids.
Anyway it doesnt feel like I will respond to his last email. Just too busy with the girls and my life.
Life is good. Having a beautiful day with my little one. She is really an angel! Amazing amazing girl. I am so lucky:)
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I can so relate to the drop-off hurt. I felt the same thing when I went to pick up D19 at college. Dads should be there. They SHOULD be there. But, D19's wasn't.
Isn't it funny how we are feeling some of the same pain and our kids are sooo far apart in age??!
Smokey never saw D19's dorm room her freshman year. Her freshman year is over and he never even once saw her room or met her roommate. How sad is that??
But, moving forward...
What if???? What about the dads who DO this dropping off for little ones and picking up at college? What about the guys who do this stuff, but are still limited in their ability to be good husbands and good dads? What if our girls dodged a bullet of sorts.
They have, yours especially, have a chance to be raised by a strong mother who will find love at some point in another, worthwhile, strong, together guy. I don't know about you, but I'm not settling on the next one. He WILL be someone my girls can look up to.
My D19 has no plans to marry young so I'm thinking that right now, she really needs to see a strong mom who earns and takes care of herself MORE than she needs to see a dad drop her off/pick her up at school. Yes, it would be lovely and, yes, it's what I wanted for her...but, it wasn't my call.
She will still be ok. And, hopefully, she will learn to stand on her own two feet and meet someone who makes her life even better as opposed to having someone who tears her down the way Smokey did to me.
It's not too late Brook, it just "is what it is" for now. But, I get that it's still sad and painful.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Hey all, I have a two questions and need some feedback
1. H has not moved forward with my request (see Email posted a page back) to meet his OW, and they will soon be living together. She will be a step mother essentially to my girls and as much as I dont want to meet her I feel that I need to met the woman that is part of this co-parenting thing. All 3 of us need to fake it for the sake of the kids, maybe at one point in the distant future it will not be faking.
2. H has the girls this long weekend and is taking them on a 6+ hour car trip to his sisters in Maine. When the girls stay over his house he has been very clear that I should not pack anything. But now I feel the need to pack for this longer trip. CDs for the car (they cant go anywhere without the Frozen soundtrack), sweatshirts & bathing suits. They are my babies and I want to mother them. They are so excited about the trip and packing will help me be a part of it.
Can I ask him if we should pack anything? Also I know he is gonna want their sleeping bags, so why hasnt he emailed me to tell me that. The communication with him is so difficult.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
My 2 cents....... I wouldn't push the meeting OW again right now. That can be addressed later
In regards to packing, I know from experience at the ages your girls are, there may be things they want to bring on their trip. If they want to pack a little bag, I say let them. Maybe they want to bring some crackers. I think they are old enough to say "I want to take can on my trip." It's not undermining your h-it's letting your girls prepare for the trip.
Sleeping bags? If you texted him, "do the girls need their sleeping bags?" would he not respond? I think that's a legit, simple question.
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 05/22/1402:46 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Brook, Let it Go. He needs to be the parent on this trip, no matter how big a fail he may be. Let him handle it. It's not your job to make this trip a success, it's his.
The girls hopefully, will let him know if there's something they can't live without. Maybe just tell them that it's important to ask for what they need/want to take and discuss it with their dad. In order to survive their father's character defects, they will NEED to learn early to speak up in order to get their needs met. Let them.
I don't think you should be the in-between...anymore than you have to.
Let God handle this one. :-)
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Just want to say, it's not just dad's who can lose their way. Just as much as dad's should be there, mom's should as well. I have been one of the "drop-off" dad's, haven't missed but a handful of school things in the 12 years my oldest has been in school and the 8 my youngest while my W has gone to almost none since she started down the MLC road 3 years ago. I know how it feels to be the only dad at school events sitting there alone amongst mom's or couples. I'm so much closer to the mom's of my D's friends because while I always made it to the events, my W hardly ever would and still doesn't. I have always been the one to take them to their dances or parties or sleepovers because my W never wanted to. Then she says the other parents "don't like" her. No, they just don't know her!
It's just another reminder that it's not anything we do or don't do, it's not our fault that our S's have become these selfish, needing to blame anyone (especially us!) for their unhappiness people. They are in the MLC fog and I really believe that if some of them ever did start to see how they did contribute to the problems in the M, saw how their actions have made it impossible for there to be any outcome but ending the M, they couldn't handle it. It would snap their ego and the guilt would crush them!
Easier to hide behind the victim wall. To change the past or make up things out of whole cloth to show the world what great people who have been so wronged they are. MLC is an equal opportunity mind killer.
By the way Broklyn, you sound like a great mother who wants only what's best for her kids and are doing the best you can in a bad sitch you didn't ask for. Keep being the great person you are and you can be sure your kids will see it and learn a wonderful lesson about how to stay strong no matter what life throws at them!
Noted. Sorry Matt. You're are absolutely right. Plenty of moms drop the ball on parenting. Your D is lucky to have you. :-)
And, I agree. I think the full impact of the guilt would derail these MLC spouses and probably paralyze them from being able to function. I'm sure, at least in my case, that avoiding the kids is part of what keeps that guilt from eating them up whole.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
