His response is of course that he's been victimized. At least that's the way I read it. I thought your email was nice and concise.
You seem like a great mom and your girls so appreciate it. Keep focusing on you and them. Stay on the positive trajectory!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
How do you feel about the response BM? My initial feeling was very negative ( in that it was a smug response wrapped in denial and entitlement. ) I am going to re read it again.
Yeah, I pretty much want to punch him in the face after reading that Brook.
He coulda just said, "Yes, Brook, I was a saint for putting up with you through all this while I had my affair and left you and the kids. I'm glad you are finally seeing what a fabulous, loving guy I am. I'm the bomb."
You took the high road. Your note was thoughtful and kind and amazingly generous. I hope you don't spin long. He sounds like he is still one angry guy stuck in self-pity and a huge EGO.
HUGE EGO...
Life has a tendency to cut everyone down to size eventually. I almost feel sorry for Jess. Almost. Something tells me she isn't gonna have it all peachy keen with this "great" guy.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
BM - this email is the voice of emotional abuse talking. It focuses on His feelings and Your actions. What I have learned is to keep a steady drip drip of Their actions and My feelings resulting from this.
So any response to your xh focuses on how you feel and felt as a result of what he did. [If you didn't pick up on Portia's reference to soulmate schmoopies - you just need to gooogle it - it reminds you how crazy these people really are. It isn't you it is him.)
There are many responses to that rude and entitled email, but I would not defend myself at all, but just keep the focus on his actions and how you feel. They like to play the blame game.
The other thing that abusers fail to do which is related, is not take ANY responsibility for the state of affairs, but play the victim. An emotionally 'normal' person who does something hurtful tries to put things right, and see the other person's point of view, even if they do not agree.
BM I think it is amazing that you are so positive to your girls. This man is a MLC jerk - we all see variations on the same script - lazy selfish and entitled.
Deep down I suspect he knows he is wrong from beginning to end, but if he admits even a particle of responsibility that would shatter the whole house of cars he has built.
Thanks guys - its so good for me to read that its not me. I feel like the email is so subtle in its abuse.
Even 3 years later he has never once said sorry for anything. 2 years ago after I told him sorry for the 1000th time, someone on these boards told me to stop apologizing. One of the best pieces of advice ever.
He is a victim of me, to this day I am the cause of everything.
Thank goodness - I have found a way to work on me. Own the things I own and lose the rest, sometimes I just need a reminder.
B - """Deep down I suspect he knows he is wrong from beginning to end, but if he admits even a particle of responsibility that would shatter the whole house of cars he has built."""
This is something I know in my heart but needed to hear again from someone else - thank you.
Thank you guys so so much.
I feel much better this morning and able to walk away from thinking about it.
Kids and I have a busy weekend. mothers Day, my fathers 70th!! today, we are cooking and making him presents this morning, and a kid party with a bouncy house (VERY usual in bklyn since there is no room)
Maybe I will respond on Monday... maybe
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
So funny you said nothing was your h's fault. I just said this am that I don't think my h ever apologized for anything in 12 1:2 years. Why? Because he's done anything wrong. Funny how everyone else on the planet has though
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
You're going to be OK, you are OK, you've always been OK.
You're XH can say whatever, he has his story. You don't have to buy into it.
Keep writing your own story. Too often we get caught up in our past forgetting that every day is a chance to be different and we can let the past go.
XH is welcome to stay with his dated vision of you but you can recognize when he's doing that. Let it go (as your thread title says). You don't have to prove anything to anyone.
Brene Brown uses this quote by T. Roosevelt "It's not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. [b]The credit belongs to the person who is in the arena.[b] Whose face is marred with dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly ... who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly ..." in her writing about shame.
Your H is not in the arena.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
If you can read that note from a solid place of detachment, he sounds like such a small person. A very small person who wouldn't even consider his decisions may not serve his children well.
I know that you, however, would look at every angle (and have) with honesty and self-examination when it comes to finding the best solution for your kids. That says it all.
I agree with Bea. Somewhere down deep, I bet he knows what's he's done...but, the whole house of cards will fall if he admits it. What a miserable way to live.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather you are so right about how small he is. Have you guys read Alec Baldwins insane rant in New York Mag from Feb. It reminded me of that. Just so unable to see his contribution.
In a few days I may reply from a place of detachment. I just have been silent since Labor day 2011 while he shaped the whole story and I did not reply. While I see your point Labug I also think its similar to my response to those who think we should teach creationism along side evolution. That is insane - creationism didnt happen, we know evolution did.
I am glad I have been silent for so long in many ways because it has allowed me to see what I needed to own.
But I also feel that I am doing a disservice to myself and my girls if I sit silently while he continues to say untruths about me and our story.
I am sure many of you have seen this famous poem by Martin Neumoller before
When the Nazis came for the communists, I remained silent; I was not a communist.
When they locked up the social democrats, I remained silent; I was not a social democrat.
When they came for the trade unionists, I did not speak out; I was not a trade unionist.
When they came for the Jews, I remained silent; I wasn't a Jew.
When they came for me, there was no one left to speak out.
*** Thanks again guys, I needed the love & to feel like a great mom again. Now I feel refreshed and back
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
While I see your point Labug I also think its similar to my response to those who think we should teach creationism along side evolution. That is insane - creationism didnt happen, we know evolution did.
in relation to what I posted. Tell me more.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
