Let It Go

[wishing, hoping]

(((BK)))

Even though it's not surprising it still stings and it still svcks. Our kid's don't deserve to have to endure this. They deserve to have one normal loving home with two parents who love and care for them.

Unfortunately we can't legislate morality. I wish we could. These bozos would be put away for life. I don't know how these guys can live with themselves.

We are here for you.

WH

[BklynMom]

Thanks Wishing and Georgia - I love having my friends on these boards. I know you guys understand and that I am not alone.

I really think I have finally accepted that my xH leaving was not about me being a b!tch. Which is what he told me and convinced me of, that this was all my fault. If I had been a better more loving wife he would still be here. That was a lie. Marriage is work and my xH refused to do anything to work on it.

This doesnt mean I didnt need to improve some of my behavior but I focused for way too long on me and my issues

From D1 of the bomb I asked my xH if he was having a relationship with Jess. He said no - they were just work colleagues. He was too blind to realize he was having an emotional affair with her and now they are moving in together.

Dory Previn "Beware young Girls they know not what they do" She is so right on.

Jess also is in complete denial that if she were not waiting in the wings for my xH that he wouldnt have left me.

I had a girlfriend when I was in my 20s who was dating a guy who was in a bad marriage. I remember the whole spiel. I remember telling her to stay away from the guy but my friend didnt believe me, she kept telling me how their marriage had been over for a long time.

I am thinking that although it disgusts me to meet her, I want her to show her face to me before she starts caring for my kids at her new apartment.

I am also concerned that now my xH will be moving out of this neighborhood and he will not take the girls into account when getting this new apartment. Him living in the this neighborhood has allowed the girls to continue with their regular weekend routines. Do I email, at some point please consider staying in the vicinity.

Back to my regularly scheduled weekend:)

[wishing, hoping]

BK

I am so with you on all of this. I believed my marriage failed because I was the b*tch. I don't any longer. Like you, there were issues I could have handled better. But we do the best we can at the moment. These guys threw the marriage away when it ceased to be fun and it started being real. They can't handle real.

Like you I had a friend who had an affair with a married man. She expected him to leave his wife of many years. Thankfully he never did. My friend is happily married now to a wonderful man that I introduced her to in hopes she would finally let go of her obession with that awful married man. I still feel bad for his wife. That man has cheated on her since day one of their marriage. He is an addict and has a serious problem. He even tried to pick me up but I could smell trouble a mile away and stayed far away. She stayed in her marriage because her religion would shun her if she divorced. She drinks heavily. She is a wonderful woman but she allows the dysfunction to continue. Sometimes I think about saving marriages and what is the cost of saving your marriage? I can day that I am glad I am not this woman. I could have turned into her had my marriage survived.

Let your ex make his own bed and lay in it, BK. You don't know how this will pan out. If it comes to a point where you need to have a discussion with him then wait for that time. I think right now he will just think you are jealous about their relationship. My ex has ruined his relationship with his son. It will never be the same again. That is between H and S. H won't listen to me anyway. They need to work it out.

(((BK)))

WH

[LoisB]

I agree Brook, stay silent on the matter.

Let go and let him figure it out on his own. Your girls will be ok. They have you :-)

[BklynMom]

""They cant handle real."" Exactly

I am not going to stay silent. I have shut my mouth for 3 years and my xh has been consistent in making the most selfish choices possible.

I will state in some future email when appropriate - "I hope you consider staying in the vicinity of our neighborhood, it has been great that the girls have been able to go to friends birthday parties & events since you have always lived in the hood. I also think I should meet Jess at some point since she will be such a big part of our children lives for years to come"

[LoisB]

I am not going to stay silent. I have shut my mouth for 3 years and my xh has been consistent in making the most selfish choices possible.

I can't argue with this. You know enough about me to know I've had my two cents on many occasion when cautioned otherwise by the vets on the board.

Do I regret it? Some of it.

I regret when I spoke out with emotion as opposed to carefully putting together my words.

I support you in whatever you feel you need to do. I know that in the world of addiction, we rarely have a voice on the biggest issues that come up. If you need to have your say...Say It and say it proud without regret. :-)

[wishing, hoping]

BK

You do what feels right. You can express your convictions to him but if he doesn't listen just leave it.

I can't blame you for feeling the way you do. I hope for everyone's sake he does the right thing.

Take care!!
WH

[BklynMom]

So I sent my ex the following email:

I hope you consider staying near Our Neighborhood when you get your new apartment. The girls love when you go to there school activities which is much easier if you are in the hood. They also love you taking then to birthdays and other events on the weekend.

Originally when you left you indicated that you would come over on occasion and take the girls to school. PleAse know you are welcome to come and see the girls anytime even if it is not on your schedule - they would love to have dinner or go for ice cream with you during the week. I'm sorry if during the divorce process it seemed like I was not amenable to that.

Also I would like to meet Jess at some point since she will play such a big role in the girls lives for a long time. Maybe coffee or just at a pick up

This Is What He wrote back, filled with such lies and distortions:

Yes you have not seemed amenable to things like that. In fact, the last 3 years you reacted completely opposite to that- even to the point of not allowing Wednesday nights. So I need to digest what you wrote here. Including meeting Jess. Just seems totally hot and cold. I really wanted you to at least seem supportive to the girls and that is not what has happened so far.

We are looking outside of Brooklyn. I am not comfortable in Park Slope. But that won't change me being able to do occasional school things or take them to weekend activities when they are with me.

I'm glad you're coming around. I wish you felt this way during the divorce process, that would've saved us both a lot of pain and a lot of money. But I am glad. And appreciative of the friday scenario lately.

[bustingout]

How do you feel about the response BM? My initial feeling was very negative ( in that it was a smug response wrapped in denial and entitlement. ) I am going to re read it again.

[BklynMom]

I totally agree with you busting out. This email sent me spinning so much. I mean I felt okay after he told me he was moving in with his gf again but this email brought me back a little.

it really reminded me of what I believed for the first year that this is all my fault because I am complete b!tch. It took me months and months of these boards, therapy and alanon to not blame myself.


Him not recognizing at all how nice I have been. How I tell our children what a great dad he is. How I raise our children as a single mom and attend every event where as he went to 1 event and he gives me zero credit. Oh thanks for friday nights.

Meanwhile he has them till Monday morning but always returns them Sunday night.

Gotta run... bedtime