Thanks for making me a fighter...

[wishing, hoping]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2432709&page=1

Previous thread linked above.

So this song by Christina Aguilera has become an anthem for me. Anyone who doesn't know or hasn't heard this song, I would highly recommend listening to it. It seems to fit a lot of situations on this MLC board. The bridge, in particular, I find especially fitting:

"How could this man I thought I knew
Turn out to be unjust so cruel
Could only see the good in you
Pretend not to see the truth
You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself
Through living in denial
But in the end you'll see
YOU-WON'T-STOP-ME

I am a fighter and I ain't gonna stop
There is no turning back
I've had enough"

So anytime I am in a funk I listen to this song and I pick myself up a bit.

Going over finances I am not where I wanted to be, but I am still doing pretty good. I have paid all my bills and still have over $400 left. I don't want to spend it though, I want to save it. I am hoping nothing else comes up until I get paid again. I am trying to build up this emergency savings because you just never know. I don't get paid for another week and I do have some cash I can use. It just seems like it's not enough. I thought about using it to pay ahead some bills but then I don't want to get overextended in case something else comes up. I am the complete opposite of H. If we were together and we still had money after paying all the bills he would spend it. I am afraid to touch it. I still have anxiety issues when it comes to money.

Right now I don't know what I would do without child support and maintenance. I am hoping once I catch up from my move I can put those monies into savings or something. I don't want to have to depend on H's support. He is a loose cannon. I keep telling myself I have only been on my own for six weeks so I am doing pretty good. But I really want to do a lot better.

WH

[job]

WH,
You will do a lot better as time goes on. Right now, you are still recovering from a move and lawyer's fees. Give yourself a break...you are getting there and it all takes time. Don't be so hard on yourself.

[TL72*]

Thanks for the song! I youtubed it and the lyrics are pretty fitting! Good job on getting all the bills paid. I know exactly what you're saying! I am now paycheck to paycheck on my own when 6 weeks or so ago everything was hunky dory and saving. Now i'm budgeting to make sure I can cover the mortgage on my own and utilities and all that. I cancelled some things, called the cable company and got a lower rate, will just have to do without on other things, will have to save up for mulch for the landscaping lol and paint so i can change up the house. That's when I get a little angry about this, he just up and left all the responsibility and i'm left with the vet bills and whatever else you pay to maintain a house on my own. I can do it, I WILL do it, I will find a way. It will make me stronger. It's always cool to find a good song like this that sort of pumps you up a bit. This is temporary, I'll make it work or i'll eventually sell the house and get something smaller and more affordable. It won't kill me so I move on!! have a great day!

[wishing, hoping]

Hello all

So the other night S Had a soccer game. He normally has to be there a half hour before the game starts to warm up. I went to the venue right after work so I was there early. H and the kid's were not there yet. I sat with a few other moms and they had not seen them yet. Time kept ticking down and no kid's. I was starting to get worried. Then 15 minutes Before the game in rushes S looking rather upset. One of the moms noticed this and I said yes, he's mad because he is late. A few minutes later H and D walked in. I waved at D and she came over by me. H made some excuse about how he had to get the kid's dinner and blah blah blah. He was overly nice. I knew something wasnt right.

So after the game I congratulated S and walked with him for a bit. I asked him why he was late because I knew H was lying. He tolde he would tell me tomorrow. So last night S told me there was a huge fight with H, S and D. S ended upset and told H he was angry because of the situation with H, me and OW. S told H we used to have a happy family and now we don't have that anymore and mom did everything she could to keep it together. S also told H he knows it is H's fault. H told S to write a letter explaining his feelings. S said he didn't know what that was supposed to accomplish. I said I'm not sure either. About a half hour later when we were eating dinner D came up to me and told me I was better than Dad because I don't yell at them and dad is just mean to them. I said I was sorry to hear that.

So I guess things are not hunky dory in the home. I wish I could do more for the kid's.

WH

[LoisB]

Wishing,

You can't change who their dad is. You are giving them a safe place to sort through their feelings.

I think it makes a lot of sense that, now the living arrangement is settled, the kids are now able to deal with their own feelings. And, now the kids are on the heat seat in terms of dealing with your crazee H alone.

I've been thinking about your situation a lot. My parents had a terrible divorce. I was so bitter and angry with my father. Then, my mother remarried a very sick man who was abusive to us all.

We have to deal with terrible things on this board. All of us, in one or another, have been let down profoundly by people we trusted.

But, that's life. I don't say this to be flippant. Life is hard. Life presents challenges. Challenging people, situations and seemingly overwhelming obstacles. That just IS.

And, it our children, sadly, are learning this earlier than maybe the kid down the street...or maybe not...Maybe our kids are the lucky ones in some ways.

Our kids are forced to face these issues, which are life, and come up with coping skills which could, in the long run, help them navigate life better.

My dad had, on the surface, an ideal childhood. He grew up in the fifties. He had a beautiful home, a pool, he was captain of the football team, president of his senior class... And, he went on to make terrible mistakes which haunt his children to this day.

What if, your kids are learning how to create a beautiful, loving, family and marriage BECAUSE they are being exposed to the worse case scenario??? Maybe this is the rough spot, but, in the long run, they will turn out to be more loyal, loving and appreciative when they do settle down and create their own families.

I think the key is to allow them to feel WHATEVER they are feelings. Validate their feelings. Be a safe place to land. God will guide them to their own solutions and honest appraisals of this current situation. God help your H. He will be the example of "what NOT to do."

[Wonka]

WH,

S also told H he knows it is H's fault. H told S to write a letter explaining his feelings. S said he didn't know what that was supposed to accomplish.

If I were S, I'd be leery of writing the letter. Who knows what H will do with it? Use it against you in the Court or call up GAL...etc. Remember that we cannot rationalize with Crazy?

Please advise S that he does NOT HAVE TO write the letter at all. H heard S the first time around! Shame on H for ignoring his feelings/thoughts.

[wishing, hoping]

You know, Wonka, I though the very same thing. I thought I was just being paranoid. H plans to use this letter against me in court. Although the kid's portion is finished and the judge said the kid's portion cannot be brought to trial. It fits in perfectly with H's statement that he is going to "subpoena the GAL". I wonder if he is going to make a claim about me interfering with his parental rights? What do they call that? Alienation?

I don't think he would have a case. The judge wants this to be done. But if H pushes that I will fight for primary placement if it gets reopened.

WH

[wishing, hoping]

Update:

S is sick. I could see it coming on Saturday. He wasn't hungry and he took a nap. S never ever takes a nap. Ever. And he is always hungry. Sunday, the same. He didn't want to stop for ice cream. That. Never. Happens.

So yesterday and today he stayed home from school. He has a low grade fever. This morning it was 100.6 so I gave him some tylenol and told him to drink lots of liquids and rest. He says his throat is dry and scratchy and he can barely talk. I am taking him to the doctor this afternoon to rule out strep. I am guessing it is just a viral thing, but I am hoping I am wrong so he can get medication to help him feel better. H came over yesterday and announced "It isn't strep. I saw nothing on his throat. His sinuses are probably draining into the back of his throat." I think I will go ahead and get that second opinion. From a doctor, not someone who wants to play one on TV.

H called me and started asking some unusual questions regarding a settlement proposal. He said he is working on another and asked if I would mind getting a buyout in two installment payments rather than in one lump sum? I asked him why he didn't just submit the proposal to my attorney and we would consider it? He said he wasn't sending it to my attorney, he was filing it with the court. I asked him why, but he wouldn't give me a straight answer. He just said something about needing it documented or time stamped or something. Whack-a-doodle. I mentioned something about sending my lawyer a draft and H insisted this was not going to be "a draft". I asked what that was supposed to mean but he was very cryptic and secretive. I don't know what exactly he thinks he is up to, but I am sure it is no good.

I called my lawyer after that conversation and filled him in. He said there is no reason H should need to burden the court with that and that proposals should be sent directly to the lawyer, and not through the court. He said that was completely inappropriate, and I said "Well, that's how H rolls". I am guessing H is putting this "offer" on the table and announcing this offer to the court as proof that he is trying to get the deal done. I am also guessing that H will say something to the effect that if I refuse to accept this offer, then all negotiations are off the table and we will proceed to trial. I don't know what H intends to accomplish doing this, except to bully me into giving him what he wants, which is to refinance the house. If he wants the house, then fine, he can have the dam house, but I am not going to give up child support and maintenance so he can do it. If he can't afford it then so be it.

I also mentioned to my attorney about H asking S to write a letter about how S feels and my fear that he could use it against me in a trial. My attorney confirmed the child placement piece is a non-trialable issue and the judge told H that last week at our hearing. The lawyer thinks H is probably trying to sound like a counselor and thinking that he will have this piece of paper to use over S's head one day. I told S to drop the subject of writing this letter and if his dad mentions it again to tell him he doesn't want to write it.

So H is trying desperately to take matters into his own hands to get what he wants. I can't stop him, so I will let this ride out. I hope this is over soon. I am ready to get on with my life.

WH

[job]

WH,
I'm sorry to read that your son is ill. Definitely take him to the doctor and get a medical opinion and hopefully a prescription for meds to help him get better quicker.

Your h is bound and determined to go around Robin Hood's barn to try to get what he wants and he's trying to make people think he knows what he's talking about. You are right, you can't control him and if he wants to look stupid, he's doing a fine job of it. I'm hoping he's not stupid enough to sign that paper for you and present it as a document that you've agreed to.

Please take care of yourself, but stay on your toes...he's not done yet.

[wishing, hoping]

Thanks, Job. I know he isn't done yet. Lord know if he will ever really and truly be "done". Like others on this board, H keeps coming up with excuses to get in contact with me. And I truly see what everyone meant when they said eventually the LBS gets to make the decision. I had that power all along and didn't realize it. I feel a bit like Dorothy at the end of "The Wizard of Oz". : )

I am staying on my toes, but I don't want to worry about it or stress about it. It will work itself out in the end. I won't let what H may or may not do influence what I do or do not do.

WH