Reaching out for support and advice 4

[bluesgal]

I'm off to a retreat over the weekend with a close girlfriend. I can't wait!

H had a difficult discussion with our D on Tuesday. She has lost patience and respect for him. She wrote him a list of things she needs from him. All you LBS of MLCer's will enjoy this bullet point she wrote: (In all caps) * NO MORE SAYING I DON'T KNOW *

I almost fell over when I read it.

H told kids he's coming home the end of April. According to him, this will give him at least a few counseling sessions to help him sort things out before he comes home. He wants to camp every weekend with the family and go on our annual family trip. He will also attend our yearly July 4th get together with friends at our vacation property. He will start wearing his wedding ring and going to church with us.

He admitted to me that he doesn't recognize himself and he wants to stay married but doubts if he can get his feelings for me back. He said he tried to work his issues out on his own over the last couple of months, but admitted he needed help. He said before he BD'd last June, that he "broke" and said he felt like he actually heard the sound of breaking glass...???

Even after all these commitments to the kids and conversation with me, he is spewing anger at me. I believe he is still in full replay, but feels guilt from being a poor father and shame for leaving his family.

Is this going to be a disaster? How do I live in the same home with a crazy MLCer?

[Lifes Twists]

Hi blues,

I don't think it is wise for him to move back in. Until he gets past the MLC it will probably be bad for you and the kids.I am dealing with a similar situation now. My wife recently suggested I move in with her and the kids as her roommate and be allowed to continue dating. She is recently coming to realize that she can't make it financially on her own. When she left she got 2 credit cards and maxed them out. She also took out a parent loan for our daughters college rather than getting our daughter a student loan. She is running around and acting like a teenage girl who just found boys. I told her that we could discuss this after the house is sold. I probably won't have the house finished until the fall and hope by then she has woken up some. I hope you will consider carefully what you and your children need right now. Don't let his decisions determine yours.

[Wonka]

Blues,

Yep, the MLC parade will continue even after H moves back in. You can learn to live with him as a "housemate" not H. He's on his own journey and figuring out his chit.

He sees you as the lighthouse where he can come back to from time to time. You are the rock and steady force in all of this craziness. If you would, you'll find that LBS have handled a live-in MLCer....ForeverYoung, TSquared come to mind at the moment.

Again, you can look to Raine's posts for inspiration. Keep going baby...don't let H's crazymaking talks and actions throw you off course.

Enjoy your retreat with your girlfriend! Relax and take the focus off from H.

[juliegayle]

Blues

Don't know how I missed this update last week. Wow I am sure that was a lot for you to take in.

Glad you had a good retreat. It is important to take time away and just be. Did you get any insights this time?

[bluesgal]

The retreat reminded me on a deeper level that I have to worry about me. My life, my prayer, my children. H may or may not ever come out of this. It has to be his choice on his time. I get to decide how much I am willing to endure or tolerate. I feel so much better after this weekend.

H had S for the weekend and they had a good time. Friday I brought supper home before I left for my weekend and H was sick (again as usual) and slept a lot. Very distant and 'foggy'.

On Saturday I got several texts from H telling about the Legoland day him and s were having. I got pictures and updates-very thoughtful and nice. They had a great day and I am so happy for them. They both needed that. Talked to H on the phone that night and he was a motormouth sharing with me.

I got home yesterday and they were still lounging at noon. S was hungry so H asked me if I wanted to go out to eat. I said sure and we went to a good little hole in the wall food place in our town and enjoyed a really good meal. Things seemed normal! I was dressed really nicely and was very confident. We spent a lot of time together and then H went 'home' at 6pm and texted me a couple times to say goodbye and have a good night.

This was the nicest and most communicative I have seen my H in months. But, like my mom said: "Don't get your hopes up"

And I won't. I am really focusing on keeping expectations to zero.

I might mention it is kind of a big deal for H to be seen with me and the kids in our town since the announcement of our Separation. We have not been seen together in our town since January. He has actively avoided anywhere he may know someone.

Best part of the weekend? The paperwork for his counseling arrived in the mail. I have hope that he really tries to work out his chit as Wonka would say

[bluesgal]

H was late again to work and missed his class (through work) again. His new boss turned him into HR and his job is in jeopardy. I am scared, but remaining calm. How much do these MLCer's need to lose? My H used to have goals and was climbing up the ladder very quickly before all of this occured.

He says he can't sleep anymore and tosses/turns at night then gets up and drives around to calm his mind. He says his stomach is constantly upset and that "my body is failing me".

He is now angry at his boss. Yay, I'm no longer enemy #1

He complained that we never ask him to be involved in the family anymore so I invited him to church on Wednesday. He said "you know how I feel about that".

So, I think we hit all 4 areas: Body, work, wife, God.

Oh, MLC how you are killing me!!

I was wondering why H was so nice over the weekend and then pulled away and became mean. I think I might recognize this as poking his head out of the tunnel and then getting scared and running back. I could be wrong.

H had a great counseling session yesterday and says he likes his new counselor. I pray he keeps going and gets the help he needs.

We had a snowday today. Kids school was cancelled, and my work closed, too. Bonus time with the kiddo's is always welcome. I am going to book club tonight and cannot wait to have some fun with the girls. My GAL is good. My detachment is better. I am starting to see alien vs H and it helps me not to personalize his mean behavior and rejection.

[Wonka]

Blues,

It sounds like the weekend with your GF did you a world of good! Isn't it nice to get away sometimes?

Many MLCers gravitate toward some motions to soothe themselves: doing laundry, driving around, or some such activity. Yep, the stress will to a number on their bodies. It did mine during my own MLC.

When I got into my mean phases, it was because I felt really miserable, feeling tons of pressure and couldn't stand it when Ms. Wonka was her happy self. In a way, I subconsciously pulled her down to my level to make myself better about my own miserable circumstances. It is NOT you at all. Believe me.

I am glad to see that you are feeling more and more detached. It helps with centering yourself amidst the craziness going on around you.

Enjoy your book club tonight! Me? I am going to see the Vagina Monologues performance this weekend. FUN!

[bluesgal]

I wish I had a few more minutes in the day to keep up with all the stories I like to follow on here. Hopefully I'll get to spend some time on here this weekend.

I am DBing like crazy. Sometimes I forget that I am because I will have negative or sad thoughts, but then remember that I keep them to myself. H is seeing his counselor tomorrow. He really likes her and I hope he gets the help/medication he needs. We've spent a couple of days together recently. We rode together for an hour to our D softball game. He stopped for a quick bite to eat and I was full, but he offered me a bite of his sandwich to taste how good it was...something he always used to do. We drove along the Mississippi river for awhile after the game was done and had some nice conversation. Shared a snack and looked at pretty homes along the river.

He came over last night and we grilled out burgers and had a nice evening. He cleaned out the grill and talked about getting the camper ready for summer. We talked about the kids and shared some proud moments.

It's always tough when he leaves. I never know where he's really going and it gives me a sick feeling. The old him would have never left for a minute. He is so far gone from me that some days I think it will take a total miracle for us to R our M. I will keep on DBing. What choice do I have? I feel better having a PMA and having healthy hobbies and friends than I do following him around and feeling rejected.

[bluesgal]

Feeling stronger, more detached. Something shifted this week. Instead of feeling sad, lonely, missing H, I am starting to enjoy?? my independence and new routines with the kids. This is actually getting easier..!!

I have been taking care of our kids, household, and business and doing a pretty bang up job-empowering! Working out and GAL really help!

H is moving home next week. Says he doesn't want to work on us. He just doesn't feel that way about me. Whatever. I'll treat him like a roommate and do my thing! So funny he says this even though we spent the entire weekend together and had a blast AND he told our friends we're going to Mexico together next year?? Believe none of what they say and 50% of what they do couldn't apply more. His words are zero to me right now. Water off a ducks back

[bluesgal]

H is moving home on Saturday. I have mixed feelings about this. He came over yesterday to visit the kids and jumped right into yardwork. He helped with several projects and asked a lot about the kids and the home. I hadn't spoken to him in 4 days. He helped measure an area for the kids' pool and started planning construction for the firepit area that we've always wanted. He started it last year, then replay hit hard and he abandoned everything.

H was in good spirits and sought me out on several occasions to talk to me and we spent a lot of time talking. I just listened to him and asked some questions and smiled.

On one hand, I think moving home means he has to be part of the family, own his mistakes, blah blah.
On the other hand, I know MLC is a different breed of cat and maybe moving back would allow H to slowly phase back into the family he left.

I guess I'm just anxious and not wanting to get sucked into his rollercoaster. I have no expectations. In fact, I have been using this time apart to become more independent than ever and feel very strong right now. The sadness comes, I cry, then move forward.

Oddly enough, he has been talking to his mom and our D quite a bit lately...he was so alienated from them for so long. He seems really happy about his relationship with them.

He talks future, future, future, but is still in replay and if asked will say he "doesn't see me that way". I am so confused. I guess I just need to buckle my seatbelt for the week to come.