Reaching out for support and advice 4

[juliegayle]

Sorry about the situation with h and your mother. Again that was something beyond your control. You do need your family's support. At this point in time he is not able to see your family offering him help in a positive way. That has to go in the let it go column.

[Georgiabelle]

Hi BG,

Just catching up and I'm sorry your h is in such a state. I think it's great that you keep encouraging communication. Just a fyi on meds, my h has been on ADs and anti anixety meds for 6 years. About 3 months ago they upped his anixety meds to the max dosage and switched to experimental treatment resistant depression meds. The meds simply help him function. He laughs with his "new" friends but cut his family and old friends off as he can paint the picture of himself as he likes-they don't know anything other than what he tells them. When the "mask" slips, he will say that he hates himself and that he's stupid, lonely, and every night is a terrible. However, he will quickly retract that and say he's on the path to happiness too. H drinks a great deal now which is a bad combo for his meds. While he can seem "normal", he never looks happy and doesn't laugh with the kids.

I totally hijacked and I'm sorry:(. I point this out because the meds usually just help them function in some aspects of life. But the issues are still there and are not going away unless they ever address them. They are still a mess. I think still hope "external" factors will finally "fix" them and make them happy. We know that isn't true. Hang in there and you are doing the right thing by staying out of his way. Keep your focus on you and the kids.

Sending you postive thoughts....

[ladylu]

BG, have you re-read HeartsBlessings stages of MLC recently? I just read it and your description of his behavior at the party sounded familiar to stage description. Sometimes it helps me to see H behavior as textbook rather than personal. Helps me with detaching.
LL

[bluesgal]

Thanks everyone. I had a good nights sleep and have decided that I am going to go dark with the exception of communicating about the kids.

H has very little contact with them, so going dark should be pretty easy. Yes, I am so blessed to have a lot of support. Gosh I am so glad to have this forum and friends/family. We had a young man in our town recently die from an accident at home and it reminded me that I am lucky to have 2 healthy kids.

I do pretty well overall, but days like yesterday still knock me down. The spewing and anger was becoming a thing of the past...until the beast was poked.

Yes, I've read HB's stages of MLC and they confuse me a bit. I think H rotates between replay/anger/depression. I am approaching the one year mark from the bombdrop and am a little disappointed in myself for not having been better at DB. I feel like I could be in a much more peaceful place if I'd focused more on me. I never realized how much I was really trying to control outcomes. Dropping the rope and letting H go was hard. Still is. I miss the old him and wonder if he'll ever be back.

[ye21]

I am approaching the one year mark from the bombdrop and am a little disappointed in myself for not having been better at DB. I feel like I could be in a much more peaceful place if I'd focused more on me. I never realized how much I was really trying to control outcomes.

Well trying to control your recovery its not gonna work either, this is a process and we experience different status trough it, whatever you had done is past and you cant change it, looking backwards doesnt help, thats WHO YOU WERE, and its important that you accept that because that made you who you are today...

When we talk about what we did "wrong" we are judging ourselves and it works for nothing... It was necessary to behave that way in order to move forward and grow spiritualy...thats all you have to see...
Its good to do a fearless and moral inventory of ourselves, I encorage you to do to google 4th step AA and write down all the resentments you have, complete the 4th step and see what are your fears....
When I did mine, do you know which one was the most repeated pattern??
Fear of abandonment...and here I am with a WAW... That doesnt tell me she abandoned me...bla bla bala...its telling me to work and find out why my low self steem, why that fear of abandonment and how to overcome that...as simple as that
Untill we dont reach a spiritual recovery we cant move forward...

12 steps programs insist terribly that the problem its not alcohol, money sex, love or drugs...yes because there are program for love addicted as well .. What they keep repeating you is that there is a deeper problem behind addictions....and its always a spiritual one....

[bluesgal]

Yes, fear of abandonment and fear of being alone-Bingo.

I made peace with my H yesterday. I called him and asked for a truce. Tried my best to convey my feelings and then a quick update about the kids. It was a really nice talk overall. H tried to twist and turn my comments, but I steered them back. I am now going as dark as possible. I feel better about it now that we've smoothed over the sitch with my mom and I put the ball in his court as far as updates with the kids. HE can call/text/email if he wants to know the daily updates with our family.

He actually expects me to do this. In the past he sighs and sounds annoyed if I called him about the kids, but now tries to blame me for him not being in the loop because I never call him and tell him anything. Shrug. I told him HE left so he can call for any updates that I'd be happy to give him.

I feel so much better today. He said he's miserable and unhappy.

I went to supper club with friends last Friday night. It's tough to be the 'single' one with a group of couples. I kind of feel like a 3rd wheel sometimes. My H made a comment that he didn't know about it and he would have liked to go. What?? He wants to be invited to things....so he can just ignore me the whole time? Strange.

So then I invited him to church with the kids and I last night. He declined saying that he's not ready to do those things in our town because he feels like everyone is looking at him and judging him. (We live in a town of 1000 people. Everyone knows each other or are related.)

I cooperated with his requests and now I'm ready to kick off being as dark as possible and giving him time and space to look inside himself. I hope he chooses to do that.

[juliegayle]

Sounds like a good move. I also let h come to me for day to day updates but I did text him about out of the norm things like a school play or meeting. 1 text. No nagging reminder. That way he could make the choice to attend (not) but I knew I was doing the right thing in keeping him informed about s.

[Georgiabelle]

BG,

Good move! Regarding kid updates I say nothing. If h wants to know I figure he will ask. And he doesn't ask about school, how they are doing, etc. he occasionally asks about S4. If your h wants to be in the loop, he will make the effort. He may be in crisis but he's a big boy:)

Regarding invited to activities, I understand if it is a holiday, kids school activity, or family gathering. It sounds like your h wants to assert his "poor me- I would have gone to THAT". Maybe so. Maybe not. That might be part of his pity party. Ugh!

I think going dark is good. I'm glad you feel better. We are here for you!!!

[bluesgal]

Oh how the kids suffer in this mess! I met a couple of girlfriends for drinks last night while H was visiting the kids. D15 texted repeatedly until I finally came home to her. She was crying and shaking and breaking down. She is worried I am going to leave like dad left. She worries when I am gone and wants me back by her side.

I'm glad H finally got to witness this but I know the pressure is too much for him right now. D15 demanded answers- "What are we doing" "When are you coming home" etc.

H cried and was sick about this (He actually vomited). This is such a mess and now my kids are developing abandonment fears. We had a very routine life before all this, so it has really rocked our world.

Only thing H would agree to was that he wanted to put our family back together and he would get help and seek counseling immediately.

H says he spends 95% of his time alone. He says he doesn't recognize himself anymore. He is stressed to the point of sickness. He is still projecting, but actually sat down and shared some inner thoughts last night.

He said he does not want a D but truly fears he will never be able to get those loving feelings back for me. He says he looks at me and the hurt floods him and he doesn't know how to change that. He admitted to being depressed and even entertained a possible MLC!!

At one point after D went to sleep, he laid on the floor and cried. He is a hot mess! He is completely lacking coping skills to solve his issues. All he does is go straight down rewritten memory lane.

I wish I could save my kids from this nightmare!!

I know you're not supposed to focus on MLC stages, but I really wish I knew what stage this is. I can't imagine the depression getting any worse.

[Wonka]

Blues,

This is tough on everyone...especially kids when one of their parents is gone far away in the MLC mist.

You asked about the stages. Hearts Blessing has posted them under MLC Resources.


Hearts Blessing's MLC Stages