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Me:33 H:35
M: 12 years
D-15 S-6
Bomb: 6-2013
OW: 11/2013
Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair
Kids and I moved back in 12/2013
H moved out 2/2014
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 439
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Quick vent:

Divorce busting Svcks!!!

Now for the tantrum:

I HATE it. My H comes over to the house like everything is fine. Umm, No it's not. He plays with the kids. Actually compliments my hair (Yes, I was looking good) (Second compliment in 9 months) and then offers to cook supper and actually follows through. He even followed me around the house trying to talk with me for awhile.

Fixes stuff around the house: Unclogged a toilet, added salt to the water softener, shoveled paths in the driveway for the snow/water to run off.

Sat down for a family supper and his gratitude prayer was that he was thankful for a family meal.

I wanted to scream. You could have this every night like we used to. He kept telling me that he wanted me to contact him for household stuff that needs attention and our rental properties that need attention, that he wants me to tell him stuff. Umm, he tells me nothing. Sure, I'll tell you everything even though you forgot to mention that you were sleeping with someone else for months. But, sure, come on over to our home and be the hero a couple nights a week.


Phew! I promise I'm done now. You'll be glad to know that I was nothing but smiles and politeness. It just goes against instinct to treat someone who is lying to you and screwing you over with kindness....but I did. I keep reminding myself that not sharing this life with us is his loss. I can go days without hearing from him and even though it's hurtful, I have accepted it as my new normal. I hate looking at the body of the man I loved for so long and having him be a monster to me now. He's coming over tomorrow, too. I will be a lovely left behind wife.

If things have to be this way, I just wish I never had to see him again. Now, back to reality.


Me:33 H:35
M: 12 years
D-15 S-6
Bomb: 6-2013
OW: 11/2013
Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair
Kids and I moved back in 12/2013
H moved out 2/2014
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 634
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Well you are really hating him, its one of the stages....
The same way that you have expectations, they dont happen the way you want them so he is a monster.... So far I dont see how he is a monster but I see that you are hurt, he seem to be moving on because he is accepting the situation and you are not and for as long as you dont accept that this is the way he is now, you are not gonna be able to move on and accept yourself and do things for you...
Basically all the time he is around you are looking at his actions and judging him, is he beating you? Is he setting the house on fire? No right? Well then its not a physical threat for you...emotionally maybe but you and only you can choose how this affects you.
When the romans had circus they got slaves and their choice was to throw them to the lions, what do the slaves could do? Be panic or fight and survive and gain one day of life, you know which one was their mantra? ONE DAY AT A TIME because they had no idea about tomorrow....
You are not in the same situation, you have choices, you can set yourself in a rage status or do the opposite, set yourself free, live without fear. He doesnt want to live with you now, ok just accept that, and move on, seat down and write down here what boundaries you will like to set to protect yourself from getting hurt emotionally.
For example I will go out in a sunny day, run or bike or do a strong exercise and liberate endorphins, then sit down in a coffee place and write down the boundaries I believe will be good for me and for the kids, why I tell you to go for a run first? Because if you liberate endorphins you will be able to think in a less emotional state and a more calm way.
Now a few examples of boundaries:
Dont talk about past R, dont pursuit and if you dont feel like seating at the same table just dont... Again you need to really seat down and analize if you will choose this in a rational way or a fear way, a rational way will be, I dont mind you seat at the table because besides that we are not together you are responsable enough to accept your responsability as a father and you are taking care of not hurting the kids, a fear way will ask him not to seat on the table because that hurts your feelings, even if your kids are not guilty of your problems with him they will suffer with this decission, can they recover from this pain? Yes they can, is it necessary for them this pain? Maybe it is maybe not, thats your call but again dont take decissions just yet, its only been a month since he moved out so you are still very emotional and uncapable of thinking very rationally.

My advice if I am allowed to give you one it will be, accept your H as he is right now, dont judge him and dont try to change him, let him do whatever he wants but set boundaries, if you accept him and all he is doing without judging him you are giving yourself the best gift possible...freedom and hapiness, its not gonna come in a week but certainly it will ending coming, and you know what? If you dont accept his actions and you try to change him and control what he does and manipulate him....one day you will look back and you will say to yourself: Damm I push him out of the house because when I took the vows I didnt read the real meaning which is: for good or bad... Now you are leaving the bad, accept it or ask him for D because by pushing him to come back with you what you are really telling him is:
I dont love you unconditionally, I love you only when you are with me and you do things the way I WAS TEACHED THEY ARE RIGHT...
He can leave you now totally and tell you in a year or so, I left you because you forced me to stay with you, u didnt underestand what I needed at that point...
But if you accept him, he will think: hmmm she is not like the other women around me, she doesnt complain or whine about what I am doing, she accepts me how I am,.... If you were him which one of the 2 situations will you choose??


When the student its ready, the teacher will appear...
Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Joined: Jan 2014
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The good or the bad... Now you are living*
Sorry I misspelled that hehehe


When the student its ready, the teacher will appear...
Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 634
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Besides all that I told you, you are doing everything just fine, this is the way that things are supossed to be, leave the moment, in a few months you will appreciatte all this wink


When the student its ready, the teacher will appear...
Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Joined: Oct 2013
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Oh, Blues, I hear you. I really do.

Especially this part:

Quote:
It just goes against instinct to treat someone who is lying to you and screwing you over with kindness....but I did.


Uh, yeah. That. I am still trying to figure out how to treat my H with kindness, yet not be his friend. It seems that when I am kind to him, he smells weakness.

Back to your H (since this is your thread, after all). smile Did you ever figure out some ground rules for him coming to the house? At first I wanted my H to come over, but now I am at the point where I don't even want him coming to the door. When we exchange kids, I come outside. It's a lot easier for me.

What is your boundary with that? Does he just come over whenever he wants? If he is wanting to see the kids, why do you stay there when he is there?


me: 44 XH: 42
M 11 years
D10 and S8
Bomb drop 9/27/13
D final 7/1/14
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 528
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Compared to some of your recent posts this sounds like a pretty fog less moment for him. How did your d respond to him being there and the family dinner?


Me 44 H 42
M 10 T 12 (at time of BD)
Ss 20 16
S11 (special needs)

BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom
10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied
S and I move out 3/15
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 528
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Ps... I do get your frustration and anger. Completely agree with the boundaries. If his interest in spending time with kids continues can you set a schedule?


Me 44 H 42
M 10 T 12 (at time of BD)
Ss 20 16
S11 (special needs)

BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom
10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied
S and I move out 3/15
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 528
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Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 528
Blues this is an aside not a hijack. .. just wanted to tell you that my mom offered to move down here to help me out- and then took it back. The old me would have been furious. The new improved me is chalking it up as another thing to add to the therapy list.

... back to blues thread.


Me 44 H 42
M 10 T 12 (at time of BD)
Ss 20 16
S11 (special needs)

BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom
10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied
S and I move out 3/15
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 439
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OP Offline
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Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 439
ye21-Thanks for taking the time and posting to my thread. Every once in a while I need a good old fashioned kicking and screaming tantrum and I know I can't do it out loud at home. I am learning what a process detachment is. N/c is so much easier sometimes, but not a reality with kids.

M-Ground rules are that he's not here when I'm not and we've made a schedule. I feel your pain with your sitch right now. Why is is so hard to take the high road sometimes?

Julie-Ugh, not sure why your mom bailed on you...I hope you find some peace with that relationship. My D did fine with H yesterday. She tells me she amuses him by answering questions, but doesn't reach out to him (breaks my heart)

While I'm glad that she is civil to her dad, it allows him to live in la la land and not see the true hurt of his kids.


I don't really hate Divorce busting tactics!! Actually, I totally get them and wish I were better. And if it weren't for this site, I wouldn't have recognized my H MLC and I would have been convinced he was just a crazy jerk. (Jury still out smile )

Sometimes I just can't shake the feeling that when I'm in a nice smiley demeanor towards him, it sends the message that his choices are ok. They're not ok to me or the kids or the family or friends. We are not ok with this. But I know accusing, yelling, confronting, getting angry, etc just drives him further away. So, in a sense, I feel like I am tolerating his crap and that makes me feel icky.

I know it's just a mindset. I just need to rearrange my thinking. I'm an awesome GALer. Social calendar is booked. But, I'm still not at the point when I'm doing something fun where I don't wish I could share the experience with my (old) H. Oh what patience this process takes.


Me:33 H:35
M: 12 years
D-15 S-6
Bomb: 6-2013
OW: 11/2013
Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair
Kids and I moved back in 12/2013
H moved out 2/2014
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