Where I have not done well is with the separation. We had a big fight last night because I would like to set up a schedule, and she wants no part of this. I may have to move past this, and go legally, because she seems to think she can just come and go as she pleases. This does not work for my children, or for me.
Instead of the marriage counseling you've been going to to work on your "interactions," would she agree to see a good FT (family therapist) -- "to learn to work thru this phase with what's best for the kids" ??
Any good FT worth their salt would point out to her the importance of structure and schedules in your kids' lives with this stuff.
I've been trying to get a schedule established , but she is refusing , and says I'll have to take her to court. Any disagreements we have had are revolving around this. I have pulled back and am not mean, but am much less supportive. I have also removed wedding pictures and am no longer wearing my ring. Any thoughts on this? I look at it as we are separated, and I need to move on myself. Trying to change my role as both starsky and Sandi2 have recommended. It is indeed hard as I am tempted to keep her close to me as much as I can.
I'm not snooping, spying etc, just trying to go on with my life. Will take time for sure. Thanks again for all the advice
Do what feels authentic to you regarding the pictures and your wedding ring. Do NOT do it to get any sort of REACTION out of her (which is what I've seen most people do). It's an intensely personal decision, and tough to counsel someone on -- right up there with "should I still have sex with my wayward spouse?"
Will she not agree that a schedule is in the best interests of the KIDS?
I still wear my wedding ring and have our wedding pictures up. W and I still living together during D proceedings ...i think if I took the pictures down she would love it. But the way I look at it is if she doesn't want the pictures up she can take them down. Most of them are on our masterbedroom dresser and that room is hers now and out of bounds for me.
I'm interested in hearing others opinion on whether I should take pics down and not wear my ring ..would that be part of lrt ...detaching and letting go.
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
It is a tough decision. Part of me wants to take the ring off because I feel if I leave it on, then I'm showing her I'm waiting around, and it feels like I'm protecting her from questions. The one thing is the pictures up is good for my kids. My three year old just asked me why mommy isn't coming home. It's tough to hear from them. I wish they would ask her
I think I ultimately have been taking it on or off to get a reaction out of her. Which is completely wrong. In fact the first time I did it it backfired, and she took hers off, and hasn't put them back on. Lesson learned the hard way. I understand it's a personal decision, and a tough one. In terms of moving on, it's tricky to know what is and feels best. I'll wrestle a bit with this.
Starsky, she doesn't seem to think a schedule is a good idea. Really, I think she's being selfish, as she has a rotating schedule, so it will be a nightmare for her, with absolutely no support. I worry about the safety of my kids a bit. I don't want them being used as pawns to have her realize what she is doing. However the reality of a divorce is she will not have my support when she has the kids. They are my number one concern. Another tough thing to think about. No one said this was easy
Thanks again everyone for the advice and comments. Sure is nice to bounce things off the people here
I still wear my wedding ring and have our wedding pictures up. W and I still living together during D proceedings ...i think if I took the pictures down she would love it. But the way I look at it is if she doesn't want the pictures up she can take them down. Most of them are on our masterbedroom dresser and that room is hers now and out of bounds for me.
I'm interested in hearing others opinion on whether I should take pics down and not wear my ring ..would that be part of lrt ...detaching and letting go.
Not sure about the rings, but why did YOU leave the marital bedroom??
Starsky, she doesn't seem to think a schedule is a good idea. Really, I think she's being selfish, as she has a rotating schedule, so it will be a nightmare for her, with absolutely no support. I worry about the safety of my kids a bit. I don't want them being used as pawns to have her realize what she is doing. However the reality of a divorce is she will not have my support when she has the kids. They are my number one concern. Another tough thing to think about.
One of the first things the family court will have you do in ANY divorce (or even legal separation, if your state has them) situation is SET UP A CO-PARENTING SCHEDULE/PLAN.
She might as well get used to it now. I would insist on seeing a good FT together, and tell her you will defer to what the FT thinks.
In hindsight I should have made her leave the marital bedroom instead I just went and slept in the other room ...now I don't want the fight to tell her I'm taking our bed back ...but maybe I should tell her that ...i would hate for her to move out because I think with her around its better for the kids and for her to hopefully see my 180 and maybe have a change of heart ...
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
WAW was at the house helping this evening. She tried to put the kids to sleep, couldn't, and then started crying, saying kids would be better of without her. I didn't say anything, kind of detached, and let her wallow in self pity.
All was fine, until as she was crying, her phone went off, and I saw the text messages that had been sent. I know I shouldn't have looked, but I couldn't resist. It was all sexting etc between her and the OM.
I managed to put it out of my mind, but then as we were building bunk beds for the kids, it came to a point where I asked my wife if she really thought I was happy about the sitch. Of course she proceeded to tell me she had been unhappy for years etc. At this point, I lost it and used several inappropriate words that described her activities and what I had seen on the phone. Yes, snooping does not help.
Regardless, she freaked out, began bawling, and then it got scary. She took a knife, and made like she was going to slit her wrist. I managed to calm her down, and get the knife out of her hands. She was extremely emotional, and took a long time to settle down. Of course I felt horrible.
I am concerned about her mental health, but I was so distraught by what I had seen on her phone, that I couldn't help myself when I got hurt by her comments. Now I feel like I have lost any progress I had made, although really, she has already moved out . I just want to be better than that
My message to myself is that no good comes from snooping. This is a painful realization. Continuing on this bent, no good comes from asking a WAW R questions. You all have told me as much
On a positive note, we are supposedly setting up a schedule. I'll believe it when I see it. Tomorrow will be a fresh start and a return to my DB and WAW skill development . Hard not to beat myself up because of a backslide
I'm a little confused. Is she living in the home now? I thought you asked her to leave and that she was staying with a friend...and preparing for her own place. Did she come back home? If so, would you explain.
You really must work hard not to say and do things in an attempt to get reactions from her. If you told her to leave b/c she was cheating........and then you let her come back home without resolving any issues, do you know the message you gave her? A LBH might as well put an ad in the newspaper that says, "Weak and needy H who will tolerate cheating W.".
I say to apply the same to things like the rings and pictures. If you do take the rings off and put the pictures away......keep it that way untill full reconciliation has occurred. It would not be good to do it......only to turn around to put the rings back onand hang the pictures up again. Reversing the decisions are telling her, "it is okay to have an affair, honey, I don't you worrying about losing me.". On the contrary, she should worry about what this A has cost her. And not only do these wishy-washy actions tell your WAW how weak and undecisive you are, but it tells your family, friends, etc. And talk about confusing kids! So really think it over thoroughly before doing it.
Has your W ever attempted to hurt herself in the past? I usually wonder when people threaten suicide in front of the other person........so as to be rescued. To me, their threats are saying, "Look at me, I have a knife and I am going to slit my wrists....so you better stop me." I don't believe they intend to take their life at all. They have a different outcome in mind. They threaten for other reasons. I think she may have poor coping skils and trying to get certain results........just as you do. However, the experts say to take threaths of suicide seriously. Did you call the police, take her to the hospital, shield the kids, .......what? Did your children witness this? Aside from not knowing her true intent, her behavior is not rational and that should be dealt with. Has she been, or Is she currently under the care of a psychologist?
Just a comment about her resisting a schedule. Implementing a schedule requires a certain amount of stability and responsibility. Where you may see the sensibility in having one, she may see it as pressure.......the means of accountability of her time and whereabouts. I think that may be what she's really fighting against.
You really must stop the R talks! Every time you try to convince your W that the M can be saved, you shoot yourself in the foot. The WAW in an A will not hear what you say. She watches what you do.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
