Here's my story, hope it's in the right place. Very glad I've found this site, great suggestions and great insight from people in similar situations.
I've been with my wife 18 years, married ten with three little children 3,5,7
January 1, my wife admitted to an internet/phone affair, and then after digging I found email that she was meeting with the OM the next day. I made several mistakes, freaked out, went into shock, told her if she met him it was over etc. lots of threats that I had no intention of keeping. I also asked her to leave the house.
She did agree to do a counselling session, we set one up for four days from then, and she said she would leave, but didn't know if she would meet up him. No communication for a few days, saw her again on Sunday, I continued to ask question etc. In counselling, she admitted to affair.
Obviously I went into shock, hugely. Also awakening for me. I realize our marriage had some issues, but it was always happy and had no precursors for me. I.e. Lack of intimacy, constant fighting etc. However, most importantly, we had communication issues regarding things that were important to each other. We also had a miscarriage two years ago that wasn't dealt with properly . I also didn't listen enough to my wife's voice. Of course, none of this changes or deserved her actions, I am just acknowledging the role I played in this.
We are still doing counselling, and initially my wife agreed to no contact with the OM, but she didn't follow through. And before I got ahold of DR, I made mistake after mistake, pleading, begging, following around house etc. I fear I probably pushed her away. I realize she was already a WAW, but I didn't give her space.
So now, I have given a ton of space. I have made improvements in myself with respect to appearance, mindset, and have become a better father and person. The shock caused me to lose 20 pounds, but I am now stronger, and have the best health of my life physically. I am no longer obsessing about my situation. I am following Sandi's guidelines. Thanks Sandi, life saving . Generally I feel pretty good.
Where it gets complicated, is with our kids doing so many activities, we see each other almost daily. We are ferreting kids back and forth etc. Our interactions have been pleasant, lots of smiles, and a few flirty jokes etc. We have not been intimate for a few weeks, but were in the aftermath. I have not pursued this at all now for fear of destroying progress.
She has been staying with a friend for almost two months, and is now preparing to move out to her own place. After refusing to give up contact with the OM, I know she has been sexting and visiting him occasionally ( he lives a few hours away). I think, and her friends think she is having a MLC, and she is emotionally a mess. She does have some mental health/ depression issues. She is frequently crying around me, and told me she thinks she is a bit delusional.
Where I am struggling is with the trial separation coming up on March 1. Do I cut off finances, restrict time with the kids to certain days for each of us, or what. Feel like I need to do LRT, as she will just continue her relationship with the OM.
My questions are:
-should I show her the book, she saw it accidentally, and was curious, but I don't think it would help. Although one of the success stories talked about a WAW reading the book and then returning - I am acting as if, and giving appearances of moving on. Where do I draw the line. help her move, be nice etc? -her family and friends all support me, which is leaving her feeling like she has no one except OM to turn to. Not good -I have discovered I have a great capacity for reflection, and I am not believing anything she says right now, or does. However, lots of it hurts tons - friends have told me she is amazed at the changes I have made, and it is making her decision very difficult. I don't bring them up though, I just keep doing. -I have been doing DB coaching by phone, should I involve her?
Thanks for all you help and patience. This is definitely one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. I'm also not sure how to start a new thread, but I will notify the moderator.
I realize this sounds funny, but there are positive aspects to this occurring. I have made significant life changes that are making me a better person, and my relationship with my children is amazing. Regardless of what happens, none of that will be changing. The problem is, I still love my wife and have strong feelings for her. I am in a bit of denial, because I have hope that if I am patient, the affair will blow over, she will come to her senses, and our new relationship will be amazing. Time will tell I guess
Yes, on a occasional basis, but they talk every day. He lives a few hours away. She won't classify the relationship or admit it is anything, and refuses to believe it affects us in any way
From our sessions in counselling, and the talks we have had, she felt like I never listened to her, and we didn't have the same vision for life. She is/ was overwhelmed with our three children, and she feels like we don't bring out the best in each other the last few months, and she's skeptical we ever can ( not surprising as she is involved with OM right now
Hi, hope you will stick with the board while you apply DBing to your stitch.
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January 1, my wife admitted to an internet/phone affair, and then after digging I found email that she was meeting with the OM the next day. I made several mistakes, freaked out, went into shock, told her if she met him it was over etc. lots of threats that I had no intention of keeping. I also asked her to leave the house.
I also had an Internet A. So I can identify with so e things your W is doing, but she has carried it further by meeting him in person. Do you know anything about him?
When you have a WAW in an A, you have to approach the stitch with a different attitude and do a different style of work than you probably had in mind. I think the first thing you need to try to grasp is this is no longer the girl you M. You will need to train yourself (for the time she is a WAW) to not think/treat her as you would your "wife". I will comment more on that later.
Have either of you been involved with another person while together in your R?
Remember, never give threats or ultimatums......unless you fully I tend to carry it out. Never say or do something to get a desired reaction from her. It will backfire on you!
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She did agree to do a counselling session, we set one up for four days from then, and she said she would leave, but didn't know if she would meet up him. No communication for a few days, saw her again on Sunday, I continued to ask question etc. In counselling, she admitted to affair.
I know counseling sounds like the logical thing to do to fix this problem, but MC at this point will not help. She is not in the right frame of mind to desire working on the M. As long as she is in the A, she will not be ready to piece the M back together. So in other words, nothing will work to fix her....or the MR until she ends the A. Do you understand?
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Where it gets complicated, is with our kids doing so many activities, we see each other almost daily. We are ferreting kids back and forth etc. Our interactions have been pleasant, lots of smiles, and a few flirty jokes etc. We have not been intimate for a few weeks, but were in the aftermath. I have not pursued this at all now for fear of destroying progress.
Make out a schedule regarding the kids activities.
Don't act like her H when you see her at any of the activities. Do you know what i mean? Just act as if she is a neighbor or co-worker. Be nice, speak or wave. Don't expect ANYTHING from her. The more you expect, the more you will feel let down. Do not get into a R talk while at any of these activities.
My advice would be to not plan for intimacy while she's in an A. However, if it should happen, please use protection. Don't accept only her word that she has not had sex with OM. If she has been sextingng and going to "visit" him, then it would be highly unlikely there has been no physical sex involved.
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She is frequently crying around me, and told me she thinks she is a bit delusional.
Be careful when she does this. She acts out of her emotions. She will also do what we call "tempt checking". It is a way that the WAW uses to assure herself that you are still her backup plan.....if the OM doesn't work out.
Just let her cry and act pitiful. Do not tell her to move home and let you take care of her. You don't act like a jerk when she cries, but neither do you try to rescue her from what she is feeling. The sooner she faces her new reality, the sooner she may be able to end her A. Do not invite her to move home as long as she is still contacting OM! She needs to have him completely out of her head before making that step.
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Where I am struggling is with the trial separation coming up on March 1. Do I cut off finances, restrict time with the kids to certain days for each of us, or what. Feel like I need to do LRT, as she will just continue her relationship with the OM.
Get your lawyer's advice about the finances. As for the LRT, yes.....definitely! -
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should I show her the book, she saw it accidentally, and was curious, but I don't think it would help. Although one of the success stories talked about a WAW reading the book and then returning
No, it is for your eyes only!
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I am acting as if, and giving appearances of moving on. Where do I draw the line. help her move, be nice etc?
Not sure I understand what you are asking, but as I said before, don't think of her as your W, but maybe a friendly neighbor or co-worker. As long as she is contacting OM, I advise you not to try act like her BFF. When you fall into the trap of being best friends, you will never know where to draw lines. I have seen it happen to much here on the boards. You cannot think of her as your friend or as your W, while she's involved with OM. I hope you brain will stay balanced when I say not to think of her as your W.
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-her family and friends all support me, which is leaving her feeling like she has no one except OM to turn to. Not good
Is there a question there? Listen, most WAW's turn from those who don't support the new love interest. You should not protect her from the consequences of an A.
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-I have discovered I have a great capacity for reflection, and I am not believing anything she says right now, or does. However, lots of it hurts tons
The main reason behind not believing what she says or does.....is a way of protecting you of greater hurt. And that is why I suggested to try to think of her not being your W. That may seem impossible, but try.
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have been doing DB coaching by phone, should I involve her?
What does your coach say? Personally, I believe your W is not emotionally invested enough to benefit from it. DBing are tools for the S who wants to save the M. It would be placing pressure on her.....just as asking her to read material on marriages.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So yes, I have determined a lot about the OM. He is in the same profession as my wife, and vey active in the union as well. They are both active on twitter where they first met. I have found out more details about him, believe he is divorced, but not sure. Think he has two kids that don't live with him.
I'll try to answer your questions here, and thanks again for the advice, it is much appreciated.
Neither of us has been involved with anyone else during our relationship.
I like the advice to approach her as a neighbour. This change of tact would be the hardest to implement, but I see the benefit.
I was confused if I should be doing LRT, so that helps as well
I have sought legal advice, and been advised to keep things status quo for now. I have the kids with me. And once a financial burden is created, I will have to pay spousal most likely.
With respect to family and protecting her from affair, yes, I probably have been, but I will no longer.
My coach hasn't offered an opinion on including her in counselling, but I would agree with you, it's not going to be effective at this time. My wife wants to maintain counselling to work on our relationship going forward and our communication. We aren't working on reconciliation. Especially at this point.
I will try to implement your suggestions, and keep you posted. Yesterday was a bad day for me with a bit of backsliding. We were having a relationship conversation that was initiated by her. I like to avoid those at this time.
Thanks so much for your help and advice. These forums have tons of great info and support. Life saving!
One more thing I forgot, my WAW is the ACOAs and has a lot of resentful compliance that has been ingrained in her from her childhood. She felt like she raised her siblings. Our individual counselling has been focused on each of us, and the MC more on our interactions.
Thanks so much for your insight. It's much appreciated
When a WAW just comes out and tells you she is not going to end the A, it is comparable to a rebellious young adult. They are determined to do what they want to do and the more you try to change their minds.....the more they rebell. Therefore, life has to be the teacher by putting them through hard experiences.
It is not you job to administer punishment or shame, but neither should you try to shield her from it. That means you have to put yourself into a new role for awhile. You are use to being the protector of your family (and will continue to protect you a d the children), but you will need to step aside and let things hit her as though you are no longer in the picture. After all, that is what she thinks she wants, so let her have it. When a M woman wants to play around like she is single, there is a price. I personally believe that the WAW in an A has to be able to see some of that cost before she starts coming to her senses.
The more you struggle to get her to do things your way (trying to save the marriage), the harder she will fight you. That's why some WAW's say they want to be good friends with the LBH, b/c she wants to take the arguing out of the picture and everyone just be one happy family. However, the family unit is broken b/c of her decisions and it can't be a happy family until she ends the A and is willing to work on repairing the MR.
I know it is so easy to get your attention focused on the third party, but many WAW's end an A and still do not want to R the M. But for sure, nothing.......and I mean nothing will be accomplished toward your MR as long as she continues the A. The first step she has to make before you even consider reconciling is end the A and get through the withdrawal period with no contacting OM. She would need to be willing to be fully transparent in all her activity. And transparency really tests the rebellious spirit of the WAW. However, that is a ways off yet.
I said all of the above mainly to emphasize that giving her material to read on M or getting her into MC really is a waste of effort b/c she is not interested in saving the M. Her reasons of "better communication" is flimsy, at best. I can almost guarantee you that no ground will be gained. Now, once she is ready to R, then I suggest a good pro marriage counselor who will work with you both.
Starsky is a succeful DBer, and he could be a lot of help to you. He usually hangs around this forum when visits the board.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
When a WAW just comes out and tells you she is not going to end the A, it is comparable to a rebellious young adult. They are determined to do what they want to do and the more you try to change their minds.....the more they rebell. Therefore, life has to be the teacher by putting them through hard experiences.
It is not you job to administer punishment or shame, but neither should you try to shield her from it. That means you have to put yourself into a new role for awhile. You are use to being the protector of your family (and will continue to protect you a d the children), but you will need to step aside and let things hit her as though you are no longer in the picture. After all, that is what she thinks she wants, so let her have it. When a M woman wants to play around like she is single, there is a price. I personally believe that the WAW in an A has to be able to see some of that cost before she starts coming to her senses.
The more you struggle to get her to do things your way (trying to save the marriage), the harder she will fight you. That's why some WAW's say they want to be good friends with the LBH, b/c she wants to take the arguing out of the picture and everyone just be one happy family. However, the family unit is broken b/c of her decisions and it can't be a happy family until she ends the A and is willing to work on repairing the MR.
I know it is so easy to get your attention focused on the third party, but many WAW's end an A and still do not want to R the M. But for sure, nothing.......and I mean nothing will be accomplished toward your MR as long as she continues the A. The first step she has to make before you even consider reconciling is end the A and get through the withdrawal period with no contacting OM. She would need to be willing to be fully transparent in all her activity. And transparency really tests the rebellious spirit of the WAW. However, that is a ways off yet.
I said all of the above mainly to emphasize that giving her material to read on M or getting her into MC really is a waste of effort b/c she is not interested in saving the M. Her reasons of "better communication" is flimsy, at best. I can almost guarantee you that no ground will be gained. Now, once she is ready to R, then I suggest a good pro marriage counselor who will work with you both.
Starsky is a succeful DBer, and he could be a lot of help to you. He usually hangs around this forum when visits the board.
Devaste, you are getting spot-on advice here, and I agree with everything Sandi has said. Considering she is a former wayward (EA) wife, and my wife had an active PA (and I saved my marriage and today we couldn't be happier) . . . you're getting agreement from BOTH sides of the fence here.
It's really hard for us, especially as men, to NOT shield our wayward spouse from the consequences of her decisions. Especially when they're so destructive. But YOU CANNOT CONTROL HER (this was the single hardest thing for me to get!!!), and she's going to have to put on her BGPs (Big-Girl Panties) and begin to feel the loss of you.
Until she ends her contact with this other man, you really can't begin to make any demands much less try to reconcile your marriage. Right now you should be in the "protection" phase (financially, legally -- even your physical health); hopefully you will have a chance later for what we call "piecing" (reconciliation), and letting her know what your dealbreakers would be for her to come back to the marriage.
In the meantime, WORK ON YOURSELF. Work on those things that YOU know you honestly need to work on, and any of her PRIOR (pre-A) marital complaints were. I say "prior" because a man or a woman caught up in an affair will often re-write marital history, and distort current truth in order to justify what they are doing. But YOU know, in your heart, which of her earlier marital complaints were legitimate, and which jibe with those things that you yourself know you need to work on.
This will be the hardest thing you ever had to do in your life, but it CAN be done.
Wow, I am so grateful for all the support and great advice. I have come to realize that this is the only way that I have a chance to save my marriage. I also have realized that I need I focus on me and my children. I am doing well physically and mentally (as well as can be). I am focusing on GAL, and continuing on.
Where I have not done well is with the separation. We had a big fight last night because I would like to set up a schedule, and she wants no part of this. I may have to move past this, and go legally, because she seems to think she can just come and go as she pleases. This does not work for my children, or for me.
All of your advice and support makes so much sense. Yes it will be hard , but I am strong enough to follow through. Either way, I will be better off. I have truly begun working on my me, and bettering myself. I also recognize which complaints are legitimate , and I am working on those as well. This will be a long and difficult journey, which I plan on coming out of a better person and in a better relationship whether it's with my WAW or someone else. Of course. I hope it's my WAW
Thanks again to Sandi, broken, and starsky. It's a real lifesaver to go through this with DB help. I will keep everyone posted. Going to try and get this schedule set up today or tommorrow
