I guess you think this song is about you?

[TL72*]

Yep - it's good that you've grasped that - I noticed that too, GAL is for US because they don't even know or ask about it. They simply do not care. Detaching is to protect yourself. It's a lot to process, it's simple in nature but hard to do. I'm still new at this so it's baby steps. It's hard sometimes to accept that the person you knew and loved could switch off like that, almost instantly. In retrospect I see things now that I missed before, small signs, but now he's a stranger and worse than that because a stranger would probably be kinder to me. A stranger passing me in the street usually says "how are you" lol, I don't even get that anymore. Seeing that some of these guys never come out of it is a hard pill to swallow. Since we can't predict the future, just have to move forward as if he'll never come back. Have you noticed changes in yourself 2 years in?

[willbwell]

reading this morning what labug. 25. keep going posting on Melissa's thread. Needing to pay attention and listen myself...
Had a terrible day yesterday.
I so allowed my self esteem to take a hit.
I did not do well in my class yesterday. Was attempting a check off skill for class and the teacher actually said "failed" . The tears immediately started rolling. I had to excuse myself.
I am a grown woman and I am crying over a stupid grade!
What the heck is that all about?
Why am I so afraid of and bothered by failing? of losing?
I knew my mistake. My mistake was a real one...
I was not able to shrug it off. I kept telling myself this over and again...shrug it off. Another chance tomorrow.
stop being so hard on myself!

I think of excuses. why did this bother me so? because I am telling myself I s@ck at this.... Its that voice in my head.
I don't want to be a big crybaby.
I don't want people saying oh wbw its so great you've gone back to school!

I am just sharing here. I just want to be done with this. so I recognize "my issues" Sure, they stem back. just trying to figure it out...
I can be sad and disappointed at what life has given me, but I can be equally happy and exuberant at the blessings of my life as well. Yes that is where I put my focus.
Yes, I am a person who wants to do good and want others to do good as well.

being here, I have recognized that I am too judgemental. This is one of my personal goals to work on.. I want to feel annoyed with others less, and compassion more.

I know I allow others by their words or choices,to push my buttons- why is this? Why do I feel my blood pressure rise just because of what someones says? What is the benefit of that? not a thing only high blood pressure. I want to let that go!

Today is a new day. I can check off on my skill again. I can go in with the thought that the teacher is just trying to get me to be a better student. It is school afterall...it is for learning! I will do fine.

[BrightFuture]

Willbwell, why are worrying about the D. Did I understand it correctly that your H is not doing anything about it and that the petition will be dismissed? Let him figure out the financial stuff too. You will have a say in it, but let him do the work. The only thing I would be thinking about is a long term care for your D15. You can just tackle this without even bringing the D subject.

If you don’t want the D, don’t push for it. You will know when the time is right for you. That said, you cannot stop him if he wants to push it. Just be prepared. And let it go. Once again, what you resist, persists.

[willbwell]

I got to check off my skills again. did fine. First time around, I was too rushed, nervous , not paying attention...
I want to do well in my classes. I want to understand what I am learning.
s17 has a race this weekend. the venue is 3 hrs away. D16 and I will drive up and back same day. not sure what h is doing. think he will go. IDK. I haven't asked. Think it is so silly to take 2 cars. oh well.

[willbwell]

GM, thank you. I will come back to this because there are some thoughts and issues about myself that I truly want to work thru.

Please don't think here we go again... my next post is about h.
Need to get feedback advice on my response.I want to be prepared.
I will call and make app with DB coach tomorrow. I still have another session, but in the meantime...

H's job has indicated a job move. there has been very little communication between h and myself these last weeks.
I texted today, "anything"
h texted back "tomorrow, 2 cities, one in our state( 2hr flt), and one in state where ow lives.(4hr flt)

If h says he is "asked" to go to city where ow is...I know I can't stop it, can't do anything about it.
How do I respond?

Good luck h? ...
I know what I would like to say is no where near so kind. My smart aleck response would be... well isn't that convenient?

say nothing? just nod and say, I see??/

[willbwell]

busy day today and I am out of coffee!

[willbwell]

it is for my own curiosity. she works underneath him which is against company policy. Could impact his job, thus me and my kids presently. although, I know this has been now going on two years with no reprecussions...
any money, time spent with ow and her kids is taken away from my children. Can't do a thing about it.
d16 is good and sweet as are my boys. I know it will hurt for them to welcome some ow as dad's friend.
no good from asking about ow...
some good I am sure will happen down the road(for me) as a result of all of this. can't see it now, but trusting this to be true.

[LoisB]

Will, I can sooooo relate to where you are at right now. I really get it. There's this fine line where I feel powerless and empowered. So much of the time, I'm walking a fence between the two.

For me, I need to turn it over to God. My kids aren't getting the childhood I envisioned for them. I'm not getting the marriage I envisioned. Does it mean things will turn out badly? No. But, definitely not what I planned and hoped for myself and my family.

I was thinking this morning how this journey has been such a rollercoaster...much like others mention. A rollercoaster in the dark of night and we have no idea where it's headed.

It's like the MLC-er sets the coaster in motion. We are hanging on for dear life. We start heading up the first hill, it's scary and we feel powerless because we are buckled in and we can't stop the motion. We hear the click-click-click-click. We know what's coming and we are screaming, begging, yelling, crying...anything to get the coaster to stop. Truth is, the MLC-er can't stop it anymore than we can.

Then, we plummet.

And, we realize we won't die after all. It's a coaster and somehow we are still alive.

What we don't see, in the beginning especially, is how we have a panic button. We can push the button at any time and get off. We can even get our kids off.

Does it stop the MLC-er on his/her journey? No, the coaster keeps going up and down and up and down. But, we can become a place of serenity and calm as we watch from the benches below.

Our kids are getting the shid end of the stick. That much is fact. Sometimes, they are forced to ride along. Sometimes, we are forced to ride along. BUT, WE ALWAYS have the choice to go back to the benches. And, we can teach our kids that same skill.

I think this is an invaluable tool in life. The lesson where you learn how to handle difficult people and difficult situations. In a perfect world, we wouldn't have to deal with any of it.

I imagine your daughter is already handling things in a way we could learn from. She is more likely, IMO, to handle this instinctively as God would want. With pain, confusion, some frustration, but also with love, acceptance and forgiveness.

[willbwell]

thanks Heather, what you say is so true...

[willbwell]

same ole same ole here...
classes are good. ready to be done and start actually using these skills. know I should be careful what I wish for!
h has not heard on the job yet. don't know if he is in or out of town. supposedly announcing now this Fri.
My bday is Thur and plan to take kids to dinner Fri eve.have d16 bday party with friends on Sat.

Went to an auction event last Sat with a gf. H stopped by to pick up kids so at least he got to see me dressed killer!

I made an appointment with the L who has done the spec needs trust for d16. This L also did our wills. told L the appointment is to discuss d16 and planning for her guardianship. did not tell this L about D. I will.
also, think I will go ahead and make an app with financial planner. Have had a telephone convo with him. A friend of mine is also a financial planner ,but think I should not use her...

again, D is on docket to be dismissed on May 20. there has been no discussion between h and myself. Is he waiting for me to tire and push forward?

this time of year gets busy with s17 races. d 16 also does spec Olympic track. we have something almost every weekend.

I do love the book, Broken heart on hold. I know I want peace and joy in my life. I know I have that fulfillment of joy with my children, my friends and family, my faith... I wait for h and feel compassion for h. I hope it will be so clear cut to me when I say, I can wait no more... I guess I still can for now because I wouldn't do anything different right now..
I can be alone. I do know my gifts and I like who I am. I can always learn and do better! I do know eventually, I want a partner.
I have been contemplating coming into my 49th year...