I guess you think this song is about you?

[TL72*]

hang in there, take it one day at a time. The finalized papers won't change anything really, since you're already living separately. I sort of think my H is hoping that once it is final (in April) that he'll magically be happy. Doesn't really work that way! Hopefully yours will make an effort to be a good dad. The only thing you can control is being the best mom you can and i'm sure you're doing that already. take care of you and remember to breathe and pray and find time for your own well being.
Tina

[willbwell]

s20 is home for spring break. love having him home! s17 and d15 do too. h came and had dinner with us tonight.

as I mentioned earlier, there has been no movement legally since the D petition was filed( by h) in Oct. Got an email from my L saying it will be put on the dismissal docket in May.

waiting...

h has said nothing about this to me yet. however,
h did send an email to me yesterday saying "thank you for all I have ever done for him". he does say that he is sorry for the sit. he says he will "help me with the kids when he can"
he will admit what we had was (he uses past tense) real and a great life, and that I will continue to have one. perhaps even a better than the life with him"
I don't think he is being manipulative.
I do think he wants to end it and not harm me further. he says he too has hurt and pain
He will say hurt and pain is just a part of life. I had asked him one time before to stop saying sorry if he wasn't going to do anything about it.

it is also a very strong possibility that h is moving out of town because of his job. it has been a stressful start to the year at his job.

I have asked nothing about ow. I know he feels bad about lying.

church and grocery shop tomorrow. that will be good. kids off for spring break- me too! I will still do some studying thru the week.

[willbwell]

I've not shared this with anyone. want to share here.
s20 is going to see C today. he has made appointment on his own.
When I picked him up at the a/p on Sat. he arrives with no bagor backpack and reeking.
He had not been to bed. a night of drinking had led him to lose his glasses, phone and keys.
he didn't lose his wallet! That happened on an earlier occasion.
s20 is a good smart kid, but he is so quirky.I think he is looking for something...I felt this way even before the sit with h and me. I have spoken to him numerous times before about the drinking.
He has had to attend alcohol awareness classes. He got a PI at 19.
He beats himself up over his behavior.s20 says I know I messed up...
I will follow up with the C. She tells S20, that I am paying, I get to know. s20 is pretty upfront about everything.

[job]

I'm very sorry to come here today and read about your son. I hope that the "C" can be of some assistance to him. It sounds like he's got some internal issues to deal with.

If he continues, he may need to consider going into a rehab to completely "dry out" and work on getting his life back on track.

Good luck today!

[willbwell]

it was a good appointment. I think s20 is doing ok. he has made some stupid choices. He realizes this.
s20 has been great with d15. I am so lucky for the love my kids have for one another. it is a gift.
h and boys went to a movie last night.

still nothing from h in regards to D . I will not bring up the dismissal date of May 20.

still nothing about possible move for h. he sent an email to me yesterday...still more changes at his job...

love the weather we are having! s20 and I cleaned patio furniture yesterday. more to do today outside.
got some hw done and got to watch some shows with s17 on Netflix. all good stuff

[willbwell]

h just stopped by to take d to gymnastics and my heart still flutters. Good God, what is wrong with me?

Can't seem to stop. impossible to go NC. because of kids.

I am on my way out to GAL right now. I am praying and praying for what to do.

D15 bday is sunday. We will all go out to dinner Sat night.
sunday we will take s20 to A/P to go back to school. afterwards d wants us to go to a movie. she wants h to go too. h's reply is that he thought just d and s17 were going. I said whatever d wants...

[willbwell]

d 15 birthday is tomorrow. going for a family dinner tonight. a little annoyed that h gets to come along. gets to play happy family. what choice to I have? no advantage to being snarky. have to suck it up and let him be.

not about me. not about h. it is about d15 bday and what she wants.

watched gravity with kids last night. that was joy.
spring break has been great. have gotten a lot done. love having s20 home.

[TL72*]

how did dinner go?

[willbwell]

dinner went fine. D15 had fun. I had put all of our names on the gifts( h, myself and boys)Boys got her a gift as well. H brought a gift, but didn't give to her. not sure why. I found it in his cabinet. It is a heart necklace. h was here yesterday doing our taxes. I thanked him for taking care of that.

I feel I am coming to the crossroads.

all along I have been slow to get the DB process,
Thinking opposite
Not realizing Gal was for me solely and not to make h jealous( he doesn't really care what I do)
Detaching was for me...not to make h miss me.

Thinking I am afraid to " be divorced" when in reality I have been alone now for going on 2 years.

Still trying to resolve in my head... How is it possible that he no longer likes ME, wants to be with ME??
sure, I want to believe that perhaps it is that I remind him of getting older...or that I represent responsibility... that this is the MLC

I take the advice to sit, and be still. That is all I have done. Is it time to do something different? Push the D?
Go forward? even though still not what I want...
I am kidding myself to say I want D. I am kidding myself to think h is coming back when he has given 0 indication.

2 years in. I still trust in God and God's plan. Want to hear God say clearly,,, What are you waiting for WBW?

[willbwell]

Yeah, more than just signing my name on some piece of paper...
got to do the the health insurance, the car insurance, how do we handle the life insurance. got to go through all the financials...why is that put on me when its not what I want? Oh, I know- until I choose to get into all the mess of paperwork, then I remain stuck. happily letting h just continue to take care of bills.
what do we do about the long term care of D who will NEVER live alone? Can't just sign her up for this or that camp or this or that aftercare.
I appreciate you always being quick with the response GM, but just because you have already been thru it doesn't mean it is an easy thing to do.

I'm off to school. that is something I can do, that gives me peace and happiness...