I guess you think this song is about you?

[willbwell]

[url=willbewell]willbewell[/url]

help with response please...h is telling me his job is going to be asking him to move. I knew changes were coming with a new boss. I've asked h why he couldn't take a different job to stay in our same city. h is not going to do it.

he does get to have some say as to where he goes.
one of cities is where ow is.
what do I respond to this?

oh, I see. have a nice life then.
ok, so I guess we better push D along.
oh, no worries, I am sure the kids will understand it is just your job...

maybe this is part of the big plan for me...

[job]

WBW,
There's really not much you can say about where his job takes him or which city he chooses to work in...but you could ask him how he is planning to visit w/his children once the relocation takes place.

[willbwell]

Don't know why I am afraid of this... I have been a 'single parent' for 20 months. Not D'd yet, but I do take care of all kid stuff.
what will be different if D is pushed thru?

I do worry about finances. So far, h has continued to pay bills.
h wants to be done and move on.
I wish I could say the same!
I don't like the stigmatism of D.

Maybe I am giving up. I have to tell myself over and again, h is not coming back...

[25yearsmlc]

It's not giving up, it's moving on.

Yes..and the "Stigma" of divorce has, right or wrong, mostly evaporated.

It's just too common to have a big negative attach.

Why not view yourself as a survivor of it, rather than a victim or failure?

Why not see your personal growth and emerging self, as a victory?

When we exercise choice, we taste freedom. We are not trapped or stuck.

When given the choice, which you are, you can view it positively, or at least more usefully - than the "negative only" viewpoints.

Choose to see this in a way that empowers you, b/c it can.

[job]

I agree w/25 that the stigma of divorce is mostly evaporated. So many people are getting them done that people don't blink an eye at the word much any longer.

You are only a victim if you choose to view yourself that way. However, to stand up and do what is right for you and your children is being a survivor. You are not a failure and you aren't the one that walked away....he did.

Start looking at your glass as half full rather than half empty. Start looking around you and your environment for the positives and you'll begin to see that the world is waiting to embrace you for who you are.

[25yearsmlc]

Don't know why I am afraid of this... I have been a 'single parent' for 20 months. Not D'd yet, but I do take care of all kid stuff.
what will be different if D is pushed thru?


IF you protect yourself legally/financially, Not much will be different.

It may FEEL different b/c it may feel more final. But a divorce really is a piece of paper, when it comes to reconciliation. Meaning, something like 15% of divorces that get finalized, end up with the former spouses remarrying each other.

And of divorces filed, 1/3 are never finalized. Surely some of

those are reconciliations.

It'll be "final" when YOU decide it is. But DO see a L. It's not making things worse or "rocking the boat" to stop trying to control the outcome. On the contrary, trying to control what you cannot control, makes things worse.



Plus, you have kids who cannot afford for you to "make nice" with your h at their expense. Not saying you would, but I have seen a LOT of wives try to placate WAHs' by giving up on alimony or CS and that money is needed for the KIDS..

But Some of that is the kids' money that the moms are giving away, which is wrong AND which helps the WAH with his OW...is that really helping the kids?
...do right by your kids and at least you won't have any regrets down the road.

Sometimes that^^ is the only clarity you get for awhile...do right by them.



I do worry about finances. So far, h has continued to pay bills.
h wants to be done and move on.

Maybe this ^^ would make him more cooperative in the settlement proceedings. Use it to YOUR advantage.

I wish I could say the same!
I don't like the stigmatism of D.

Maybe I am giving up. I have to tell myself over and again, h is not coming back...

You don't have to tell yourself that 'h is not coming back", so much as telling yourself

"We will be just fine in the long run, no matter what h does"


and ^^^that, my friend, is TRUE.

When you GAL, you will be much more able to DETACH and when you DETACH

you can LET GO, which is Not giving up. IT's just you moving on...if your h has his own awakening, he'll know how to reach you and do what it takes to recon.


YOU take care of YOU and your kids now. That has to be your focus b/c they need you more now than ever. Be here now, be fully present for them.

Release your h to his 'Mission" and stop challenging his choices. The more you challenge his choices, the more you force him to defend those choices.


He knows it's

a lousy thing to do to walk away.

But until he "discovers" that the grass is NOT greener on the other side, and that the trade off is NOT worth it, all your words will go unheard by him. Yes it's a lousy thing he is doing to them. Yes it is unfair!

You have to minimize his damage

by Not bad mouthing him to them, (b/c it really is destructive to the kids)

and by making sure their legal/financial rights (and yours) are protected.

So do this^^ and do Your work, (e.g. GAL, Detaching, etc) and things will get easier for you, in time.

.

[willbwell]

thanks everyone. h is on his way over to 'talk' . I know, I have been here before.
he dropped off his work paperwork showing the changes coming in his job. I guess we will discuss this and how it impacts the kids.
D has already been filed( back in Oct)
temp orders drafted but no movement other than that.

I will listen. validate.
I do feel h will do right by us financially. I think he feels tremendous guilt.
I do GAL. I recognize that I am not detached.
All of my core friend group are intact marriages. My siblings have great spouses.
In our society D has just become the new normal...that is what I don't like.
I know my positives. I know joy and happiness. I know I did not fail at this. I have waited, been kind, been patient
I will/do miss h.
I trust in God

ok, wish me luck.

[willbwell]

holding pattern continues. thought h was coming over while d's friend was here playing(and thus occupied) he chose to come after I took friend home. then d is around so not so easy to talk...
the job will be decided by mid-march. company wants them moved by end-march.
h says he will request current city as well as another city in our State. Atleast ow city wasn't high on his list...we'll see.
they will put him where they want him.
There are 8 others that do h's same job. 7 years ago, company wanted all the 9 here. that is why we moved here. Now company wants them back out in "the field"
h does not want to change depts. in order to stay in our current city. of the 8 others like h, there are 2 that are married with kids. the rest are all divorced.

nothing really to discuss until decision is made as to where he will go.
if he has to move, then we will have to figure out when and how to see the kids.
I won't think about it until then...
not a thing I can do about it.

Thank you guys for checking in on my. Time to get lunches made and get to class.
Busy week ahead,but all good

[willbwell]

going to a school event with h tonight. well meeting there. I am taking d.
really I could blow him off, but I won't. not the polite thing to do. we will sit together.
I will be pleasant.
tomorrow he will go to s17 race out of town. d and I sitting this one out.
h has been out of town all week. hasn't seen d since last sun.
she loves him. must admit, I get ticked off him playing involved dad. what little he gives is wonderful in her eyes.
that's ok though. Really its better that way. I need to learn a little from d, that unconditional stuff!

[willbwell]

Get an email from my L today saying that the D petition will be moved to dismiss docket on May 20th.

Probably took h by surprise too. nothing has been discussed.

he is about to find out about job changes with a possible out of state move.
Wonder if this will speed it right along.
ive been content sitting....