Stuck On You

[Wonka]

Raine baby!

It's good to hear from you. I am so so happy to hear about your great M. I am curious...do you and H ever talk about some of the crazy stuff that took place during his MLC on a periodic basis? Does H have any self-awareness of his issues?

Do you feel that the process of H's reintegration is going well and nearly finished?

[Raine]

Thanks uR and 2BH! All the best wishes and love to you too.

Hey Lady Wonka! I'm happy to hear from you and hope everything is going well.

We do talk about stuff periodically. Not as much as we were a year ago. There will be longer periods of time and then something might come up. It's there. It's a part of us now. Neither of us pretend it didn't happen and I think both of us are very aware and conscious of it, him especially. He doesn't put himself into any compromising situations. He is very aware of what has happened and what could happen. That no one is immune from it. He knows what he has and he knows what it's like to lose it, and he never wants to come close to there again. He is very open about everything. I don't feel like I need to check on him in anyway, because he is the one being very open. It just feels natural.

It's rarely he is the one to bring anything up though. He feels like it holds him back and he is moving forward. He talks about anything new or anything I want to talk about, but he doesn't want to rehash anything, and neither do I. I feel like I'm in a really good place where I know everything and I can accept that and move on from it.

This does take a long time to heal from. When I read that it took a minimum of two years to heal from an affair, I thought I was in such a good place and ahead of that game, that it wouldn't be the case for me. I had already forgiven him. Tsk, tsk. Let me tell you. It will take a minimum of two years...:)

I do think he is very self-aware of his past and also very quick to say that there is never just one thing, as if he could walk into therapy, have the therapist say, "It's not your fault," a few times, and then everything would be resolved.

When things in his past come up he is always has the same kind of conclusion about it. There may be negatives and positives and regrets and amends, but there are no excuses. He feels he had a very happy childhood, even though he can look back and see there were things that were negative about it. He feels like nothing has given him any excuse for what happened or for anything he did during his crisis. He won't call it that or say anything like he had a midlife crisis. To him that would be an excuse for his behavior. The only thing he will says is that he was depressed. He knows what that feels like and he knows when it's coming on. He says the best thing for him to do in that case is to talk to me, because together we can put reason to what is feeling completely irrational to him.

I don't have my anxiety attacks like I was before either. He can talk to me about some pretty tough stuff and I have a very calm and understanding reaction to it. But now, it's not me thinking DB tactics and this is how I should react. Now it's genuine. This is me and how I am. I don't think about what I should or shouldn't do. I'm just me, and I like me and how I approach things.

There are definitely things that he doesn't remember, and those are the hardest of all for him. He takes full responsibility and ownership for it. As he says, it is on him. And it's on him to make things right, but also knowing that he can't make it so it never happened. He is just seems very mature and thoughtful and forgiving in his approach to everything. He doesn't hold any blame or anger towards anyone.

As for me, I think I am still his lighthouse. I am the one he tells everything to. Everything. Anything comes up at work or in any aspect of his life, and I'm the one he wants to talk to about it. But now, he is my lighthouse too. I feel like we are so equally matched in every way. Even though we are in completely different fields and have some interest that are different, there isn't anything that we can't talk to the other one about.

[Jer2911]

Raine -- just discovering your threads and wanted to say congratulations on where you and your family are now! I spent time last night reading back through your earlier threads and see many similarities between my W's behavior and your H's behavior as this began for him and for both of you. Seeing where things are now gives me some hope for my sitch... But we are only at the beginning, so I know we have a long way to go regardless of the outcome.

I hope things continue to progress for both of you and that your future together is filled with lots of love and much happiness.

[reachingHigher]

Awesome post, Raine!

I would say almost word-for-word your experience has been the same as my own. So long to heal from it. I am his lighthouse, and now he is mine again. Him and I against the world! We don't pretend it didn't happen; MLC is part of our shared-history now. Its a growth catalyst for both of us.

So happy for you, my friend. So happy!

[Raine]

Hey everyone! I feel like I haven't a bit of a setback lately with me and moving forward. I feel like I need to get back to working on me and working through these things I know are holding me back. So, boom, here I am.

I felt like I was at the point that everything was so in the past that I never thought about it, but now it seems to be popping into my head more and more often, taking me by surprise. Why am I being sucked back into the place I had moved on from, knowing that being in such a place doesn't do anyone, especially me, any good?

New questions keep coming up in my mind, maybe old questions that I don't feel were answered or maybe I don't believe the answers are the same anymore. Not that they were answered with lies, but now feelings or retrospect are different. Or maybe it is I feel like his attitude has changed from when it was then.

I still don't feel like he is truly happy. The amount of stress we are under doesn't help, nor does it help when I feel like the bulk of responsibility is on me, yet he is the one that seems to be even more stressed out. I feel like we are in an even more stressful place than we were 3 years ago (whoa it was only 3 years ago?) and I was feeling so resentful of him.

It is different now from then. He now is there for me whenever I need or ask or however he figures he can be. He puts me first, he just wants to spend time with me, he is an amazing father. We are not the same people we were 3 years ago. And yet as much as I feel I have changed and grown and become better through all this, I still have this place in me full of anger. I still feel like I'm trying to heal from a horrible trauma. He feels horrible about how things affected me. He takes complete blame for it. He has even said that he feels guilty for coming back, and that I would have been better off without him. He feels like all he does is be a reminder of the pain.

I absolutely hate the OW. The one specific start of it all OW. The other ones don't bother me. They're over and done and in the who cares category. But this one, I can't shake her. It's not going away. I find myself scanning places we are at, expecting to run into her.

I think I am past it, forgiving or tell myself all the things we tell ourselves: that these OP are meaningless, if not her, then someone else, she truly meant nothing to him if he never got divorced, if he wasn't faithful to her, if their relationship was so volatile....but there it is again. I'm still holding onto it.

I guess what is difficult now is he doesn't really remember a lot of stuff. He doesn't have any blame for her. He feels she was an understanding person, not the person dropping ultimatums about him spending another holiday with my family and his kids. She was a great person who he treated badly. They had something special. (Yeah, I want to vomit even typing that.) He doesn't want to think he used her, because that would make him an even more horrible person than he feels he is now.

And in all this, I think, what about me? Don't I trump all that? Here is the home wrecker that did so much damage to me, yet he doesn't feel negative towards her. And I get that. He takes the blame. And the blame is on him. She never promised me anything. But I don't know how anyone could think she was a good person. He sees how much I hate this OW and just thinks that I should hate him that much, not her. And maybe that's true, but he is the one who has made amends. And that's just a lot easier to forgive.

The thing is, this is mine to deal with whether with him or not. He definitely has the mindset that it would have been easier for me to deal with, not being with him. He doesn't get that. And I can't explain it either. What he sees is who I allowed him to see back before we got together and what he gets now is the reality of a woman who went through something tough and she is letting him in and not putting up walls.

He has said too that he couldn't bare losing me as a friend and that he couldn't bare the thought of me hating him. And being womanly I think, "WTF does that mean? So are you with me because you want me as a friend, companion, confidant, but you'd much rather be sleeping with whoever you want?" Which he has assured me is no, and that he would only ever be interested in sleeping with someone that he is in a committed relationship with. And he has assured me the person he wants to be with is me.

So there you go guys. Nothing but honest reality from me. I am grateful to have what I have. I feel very lucky to be with him and where our relationship is at. I just want this to stop holding me back.

[beatrice]

Raine, I am so sorry that you are going through this bit. I am sure others will have wise words for you, and you have done a wonderful job of piecing back your marriage.

Thing is, MLC is a very very long process and what I think is happening is that your h is completing the last stages of his crisis at home. I know we are told not to rely on time lines and stages but they are a framework.

Maybe your anger against OW1 is proportionate to your husband's failure to assign any responsibility to her? I think this is a more helpful and less loaded word than blame. She chose to behave in a way that he cannot see was irresponsible. Although what he did was 'wrong' in his eyes, she wasn't, because weirdly, that would have meant he went off with someone who was NOT a good person, and maybe he is still too fragile, too much in denial to take the final steps yet.

However, dealing with your feelings about OW1 cannot depend on your husbands continuing response to how he feels about her as a person. She was damaged, and behaved badly. You can't change her and make her sorry, you can only change your decision to let it go. Very hard, I know.

The other thing, not wanting to lose you as a friend and hate him. I think many MLCers come to that point, even if they do not come home. My long gone xh (now remarried) has said the same words several times in the last few months!! They need to feel good about themselves, and mostly they feel bad, whether they stay or move on.

We are their passport to their former selves, and until they are completely healed there is a disconnect between these two parts.

Do you feel that your husband has dealt with his past issues - as opposed to his MLC behaviours?

[job]

Raine,
I am so sorry to read that you are having some issued cropping up for you. But, this is very normal especially if you and your have not dealt w/the fall out what transpired.

Bea has posted a very thoughtful posting that truly is spot on.

I have a question for you...has your husband swept the entire situation under the rug and not dealt fully w/what happened w/him? If so, that is part of the problem. He's still in the final stage of growing up and returning as a mature man and that can take a while to happen. The stage called "acceptance" is only one a part of re-entering the real world. There is one more stage and that is the settling into one's skin once again. It's not the same as acceptance because this one is when the crisis person moves back home, it takes at least another 18-24 months before they finally feel comfortable being home and the readjustment period is a rocky one at best. They question you about whether you are happy, do you want them to stay, what can they do to make things better, etc. He may even ask if you want him to leave...I think that's where your husband is right now...trying to feel comfortable in his own skin.

As for your anger, that is very normal. You've got a lot of questions that still haven't been addressed. Have you sat down and had a heart to heart talk w/him? Have you thought about going to an IC and talking out your frustrations and anger about the OW? Sometimes we need to do this in order to release that anger. You are the only one that change the way you feel about her and what happened. She's not going to apologize for what she did because she's a broken woman who was very needy and had absolutely no morals for what she did. The decision to let it go is a difficult one, but you will need to find a way to do so or that "ghost" will always be between you and your h. Please do not allow her memory to have that kind of control over your thinking and your relationship. She's gone, a ghost now and needs to be released.

MLCers do not want to lose the connection that they have w/you and even though they've acted out and done some horrible things, they still want us as friends. In order to feel good about themselves, they need to know that we are still there as friends. Crazy isn't it? As Bea pointed out, we are the passport to their former selves and it's true, until they are completely healed, there is that disconnect of the two selves.

Raine, we are here for you, please come back and chat w/us. Hopefully we can help you work out some of that anger and frustration.

[Wonka]

Raine baby!

It's good to hear from you.

Ugh...the past is creeping into your noggin. So sorry for the unpleasantness. Have you thought about going to MC together? I think a professional and unbiased neutral party could help you two heal together. I have a sneaking suspicion that your H would be receptive to the idea now that he is further away from the dreaded MLC tunnel.

[CaliGuy]

Raine

I have read your entire sitch ... yup .. all of it. It really has helped me with some areas I was stuck on for a bit.

I think that past stuff is the brutal things that we do not think we would have such a hard time dealing with it while we were in the thick of things .. its like .. ok Objective one, survive and outlast this crisis ... live happily ever after. Its just not that easy.

I do not have any advice nor wise words like the fine people above have already said ... as I am behind you as far as time line .. but I did want to reach out and share that your story here has helped me more than you could possibly imagine, and like all the things you have handled .. I have no doubt this to you will overcome and be better for it.

[Ambivalent]

Raine , my husband also said those words. Matter of fact it came out as " When you find out who I really am, I don't want you to hate me. ". This is about their own guilt and lack of self esteem, their inner insecurity of us seeing who they perceive they really are.