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job #2455891 05/29/14 02:41 PM
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Raine, baby!!! laugh

I love, love romantic stories and you've given me a good read! Thanks a bunch.

All kidding aside, I am really, really impressed with H's actions and deeds. He does get it and is really trying his darnest to make things right with you and the family. He does really cherish you and has his priorities in the correct order. Amazing!

I bet his Easy Bake oven has now collected a good amount of dust being locked up in the attic. grin

Wonka #2458684 06/09/14 10:49 AM
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Hi Raine-

Thanks for sharing your story here - it does giv3e one a bit of hope. My h is nothing like yours, i'd like to compare and find something similar and feel some optimism.

It's nice to read & hear - such positive stuff. i've read waay back, and i've skipped to the end here - so if this is a dopey question forgive my ignorance of si tch.

the ring - why not just get a new one symbolic of this rebirth of r - and put that old one in a little box somewhere - just a hurtful little memory you can set aside now?

if i felt so happy and hopeful- maybe i wouldn't want the reminder either. (it is from a painful time & experience) I think it's understandable. It's just a little piece of jewelry- maybe just always going to "remind" you of pain rather than of the good aspect of strength of bond and so on.

can't ya just do that- look at the new one and feel happy, let that old junk slide away to oblivion?

just askin

xxo and i'm so happy for you that things are so better -

nero #2473139 07/28/14 04:42 AM
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Howdy all! I'm just checking in and letting you know all is still going incredibly well. It's hard to do posts when things just flow. I guess the silence speaks volumes. (Right, T!? smile )

There are moment that are hard, and tough times that come up, but eh, they don't last long, and in the scope of things, they really don't matter. All these things that may ruin other people's days or months or years...they're just not a big enough deal to throw away my positive, happy outlook. Sometimes things come up and they'll just roll off the back as, "Well nothing we can do about it, so let's not let that bother us or take up any more of our time." H is even better at doing this than I am. He's a great example to me.

But it does make me reflect back, knowing that the person I was then would have let little things bother her much more. I'm thankful for the growth that came from all of this. I really love life. I love who I am. I feel happiness even in the tough times. I can see the positives in the darkest moments of my life. I wouldn't change anything then, in order to give up any part of now.

H is amazing. Amazing, amazing, amazing. He is so genuine, loving, and caring. I feel like he just gets me, inside and out. He knows what is wrong or troubling me, often before I even pinpoint it myself. If there is anything that concerns me, even mildly, he is all over it. He seems to be far more concerned about me and my well being than anything else in the world. Yes, I know I am the top of his list. I am above the kids, himself, his job, everything.

H is very open with me about things. It's given me a huge amount of insight into all of this. He has used terms like facing his deepest fears, triggering me back to HeartsBlessing and the way she described things. I do think there are still things for H to work through, but he feels very stable, that he has faced the biggest fears that he has, and that I am the one who stabilized him through that. I'm the one who helped him realize that these things that were just so astronomical in his mind do not change how I feel about him. That these things are not as big as he believed them to be.

There are still pieces of the puzzle missing for me, but they don't matter. It's more of a curiosity thing to me. I rarely ask anything anymore. I can't think of the last time I did. The questions just don't come to mind like they used to. I've stopped looking back. I'm far more concerned about how he is now and things I can do to show him just how special I think he is and how much I love him.

H has aged a lot in the past two years. He still looks quite young for his age, but not like before. I looked at pictures of him from two years ago, and it looks more like a 10+ year difference. He looks more mature and wiser. It's a good thing. I find him incredibly attractive. He continues to excel in everything he does. He fascinates me.

So an OW update? They rarely come to mind. I have seen stuff pop up on my DB FB account for two of them, since that was the account I used to look at their pages with. So to complete that part of my story, I might as well fill you in on that too.

I still despise OW1 and don't think much of OW2 either, as they were the ones who got involved with him knowing he was married, although he did tell ow1 that he was filing for D before they did anything physical, so she has that going for her. Eh, I'm working on that. (Not really. I'm supposed to say that, right? smile I am working on knowing that I should not feel hatred if they come to mind, because all it does is affect me. I genuinely feel sorry for them too.) OW3 I don't feel anything towards, other than I hope she fixes what is wrong in her marriage, but my H didn't feel married and she didn't feel he was married either. I get it. He feels horrible about that one because it was a total friends with benefits and here she is married. OW4 is engaged and I'm happy for her. I felt sorry for her in all this because she only knew the truth H told her. I'm glad that it seems like she has ended up with a really nice guy and H didn't screw her up more than her own father already has.

I wish I had more time to hang around here. Sometimes I don't feel like I fit in anymore. It was incredibly difficult for a period of time there to read other sitches. It would cause me PTSD. I still feel disconnected from a lot of that period of separation. It's very dreamlike.

But if you have any questions, I'll try my best to answer them.


M38,H39
M:16Y
BD:8/12
OWDB:11/12
S:11/12-5/13
"Temp" home:6/13
OW dropped:9/13
"I love you":12/13
H ring on:2/14
Depression back:5/15
"I'm done:" 7/15
H moved out: 3/16
H moved back: 12/16
Working on us: 3/17
Raine #2473169 07/28/14 10:35 AM
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Raine,
I'm very happy to read that things are still progressing in the right direction. As for the missing pieces of the puzzle, eventually, those pieces will not matter because life will continue to grow and be "amazing" for the both of you.

He is growing and will continue to grow into the mature man that he is destined to be. There will still be days when he will distance himself, but do not allow that to bother you because he is still searching within.

Raine, it's been a long haul for you and your family...however, you've made it to the other side w/a new marriage that will be even better than the old one. Everything is falling into place...take things slowly and continue to listen to what he has to say. His trip on the MLC spaceship is being revealed more and more to you.

How are you and the children doing? Is everyone enjoying the summer vacation? Any plans for trips or new hobbies?

Raine, you are an inspiration to all who come to the Forum. You've done the work and yes, it wasn't easy...but you've come out the other side.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2473236 07/28/14 02:10 PM
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Raine baby!!! smile

Glad you checked in and declare that Chez Raine is a very happy one. Job has summarized our thoughts pretty well up there ^^.

Frankly, I think we are not enlightened enough to do happy hopscotches around the OW topic. For me, I will always have a certain level of hate toward the OW. I mean...they break up marriages and families. We're supposed to be ok with that??! That's fine in how we feel here. It is what it is.

Wonka #2473297 07/28/14 05:37 PM
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Thanks job and Wonka! You are two amazing ladies who I admire so much. I'm really glad that your insights and support are such a strong part of my threads. I know that your words are continuing to help many many others through such a difficult period of their lives.

Wonka, I've always felt it was so important to be true and post honestly, despite knowing as I put those words out there, they aren't necessarily the guide that people should follow. It's raw and it's emotional and it's human and full of errors. There were a few times I was criticized for saying or doing things that I did, because that was not the divorce busting way, and people were looking to me and following me and I was essentially telling them hey you can be emotional and blow your lid, and it's going to turn out okay. I knew as I wrote things that there were plenty of things that could be picked apart and places where I needed to be better. I know there were times people would be shaking their heads wondering why I hadn't kicked him where it counts and completely destroyed him in a D. But I wasn't writing a self help book of the perfect woman dealing with the perfect affair. Here is is. Reality exposed with all its flaws and emotions.

There is a moment that I never spoke about on here for reasons like that. The moment he has spoken of time and time again as his ultimate rock bottom. I never spoke of it, because how I handled that situation was a complete derail from DB tactics. But at the end of the day, no one knows your spouse like you do. No one knows yourself like you do. There is no cookie cutter methodology for your crisis. You come here and you read and you do the homework and that gives you the tools to know what you need to do in the moments that count. It's like college. You go, you learn, and then you enter the real world and realize nothing that you learned in college actually applies. None of the test answers that you spent hours memorizing ever come up again. It's the tools that you gathered based on a solid foundation of knowledge that makes you excel at work and in life.

His rock bottom was my rock bottom too. In that moment, had I not listen to my heart, had I followed the DB law to the letter, I would be D right now. No doubt about it. And that was such a hard moment for me, because I had to go with what I felt was right for me, rather than whats I knew was right. It wasn't a convincing myself of what I hoped would happen. It wasn't a "praying to change God" moment. It was a let that moment take over and allow it to change me.


M38,H39
M:16Y
BD:8/12
OWDB:11/12
S:11/12-5/13
"Temp" home:6/13
OW dropped:9/13
"I love you":12/13
H ring on:2/14
Depression back:5/15
"I'm done:" 7/15
H moved out: 3/16
H moved back: 12/16
Working on us: 3/17
Raine #2473362 07/28/14 08:49 PM
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Wow. Wow, wow, wow. I'm new. I'm learning. You are one of my hero's.

Thank you for sharing so much with us. It must be so difficult to not only go through all of this, but to continue to revisit when writing, and then make oneself vulnerable to the masses of posters.

There is so much wisdom on this board, I know I've come to the right place.

I realize every person, every story, every MLCer and every DBer is different, and the outcomes can vary from one extreme to another.

Whether or not my H wakes up, comes back, or disappears forever, I sense there is so much that is positive and comforting by being part of this group. I'm so grateful to have found this.


M44, H44, both M before
M4 yrs, T6
BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me
H att suicide 2/14
S 4/14
OW disc 5/14
D final 4/15
Shining #2475023 08/01/14 11:12 PM
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Thanks Shining! I'm glad my posts and those responding to them have helped you so much.

I had a really interesting convo with H last night. I had gone out with a friend who is struggling in her relationship with her H. She just feels like her and her H don't take enough time for each other, and she wants to, really tries, but doesn't get much back from her H. She just doesn't want to have to go through what I did to get the kind of relationship I have. All she knows is that my H went through a rough, depressive time, and we were S, but nothing about OW and stuff like that. She wants to fix things, but just struggling to. I think she is expecting too much and waiting for her H put in the effort first. I told her as much.

Anyway, when I got home, I started talking to H about it, and that lead to us talking about us and what we went through. H said that he takes full ownership of what he did. That he will never be able to forgive himself. He felt justified at the time, but he can't look back and feel any justification now. He feels he was incredibly selfish. At the time, he felt like I was better than him. That I didn't find him attractive, funny, charming or anything positive. He liked the attention of other women. He liked that they thought he was so amazing.

He said he can see now how much he valued me and looked to me, even when S. How he wanted my opinion on the weirdest things that you shouldn't ask your STBX about, like which room he should rent. He wanted me to see how it was setup. He wanted my feedback on everything. He placed value on everything I said and did. There are things I said back then that he held onto as absolute truth.

He said the biggest one that he held onto is that I told him a few times in different scenarios, including before I ever found out about any OW or DB or MLC, that people who leave a marriage with a backup plan already in place, rarely ever have that backup plan work out. We had friends who were going through this situation of cheating/divorce before BD. I had looked into the statistics. I told my LBS friends that the statistics were just so low on that ever working out. Essentially what we all know here. There is no such thing as an affair up, only affair down. That the people who get involved in that situation are broken.

So because of that, and believing my words as absolute truth, my H felt that it was never going to work out with him and the OW. He wanted to leave me, without running to anything. He wanted to leave without owing the OW anything. He wanted to step back from the OW and try and do things right, to end it with me and start things new with OW, properly date her, see if there was a relationship there. But it never worked like that. And he just felt like it was never going to work, because the odds were not in his favor. He couldn't undo anything he had already done. And the more he got involved with her, the more conflict would arise. They were constantly on and off again. He didn't want anything from her. He didn't want the drama, the stress, the time, the effort of a relationship. She would make demands, he would walk away and drop her, and then eventually, a few weeks later, she would come crawling back. He said, "It was always you, Raine." And it's true. Anytime I asked him for anything, he would come running. He says he couldn't see any of that at the time, but he can see it now.

He felt he had already lost me. Mixed in there with the thought that I didn't want him, was the guilt of him being in situations he thought he was strong enough to avoid. He knew me. He knew I would never forgive that. He had no chance at me. In his mind I was already lost before I ever knew anything. So it was trying to figure out some kind of life without me in it.

Being S was so hard for him. He said he got through it with a lot of sleeping meds. He would just sleep all the time so he didn't have to think about what he had done, what his life had become, what he had lost.

He said he relied so much on me before, and not just for practical things, but as a confidant, a friend, a sounding board for everything in his life. He said he never thought he would get married. That when he was at college he thrived surrounded by intelligent, fascinating people, but he just never clicked with them in a romantic way. I came into his life and clicked in every single way with him. He never thought he would marry, but then he met me and that's all he wanted.

So when we were S and he was spending time with OW, all it did was make him miss me, because they couldn't fill all the holes. They weren't smart. They weren't confident. He liked being the white knight and solving their problems and feeling needed and wiser--but it got exhausting. He would see me and how confident and happy I was, and it just made me all the more attractive to him.

He had so many regrets because the one person who could fill all the holes, he had lost forever. None of the OW were better than me in any area. He said all of his bests have been with me. I hope that's true. I think it's true.

He says he is done with hiding and lying anything. He tells me everything, even when he thinks I don't want to hear it.

So life is really good. We can have these deep, hard conversations without it making me turn away from him or get anxiety or panic attacks. It makes me feel closer to him. I feel secure. I trust him. It seems like it should be too early to trust him, but I do.


M38,H39
M:16Y
BD:8/12
OWDB:11/12
S:11/12-5/13
"Temp" home:6/13
OW dropped:9/13
"I love you":12/13
H ring on:2/14
Depression back:5/15
"I'm done:" 7/15
H moved out: 3/16
H moved back: 12/16
Working on us: 3/17
Raine #2475031 08/01/14 11:37 PM
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^^^^^ this.

Raine, first of all, we all admire your strength. You have shown unconditional love in a situation most people would run from. Thank you for sharing.

A lot of what your H said re: why he cheated, how he felt he couldn't undo what he did, why he kept behaving the way he did, etc... It really echoes what a lot of the other MLCers who have reported from the other side of the fog have said. I think we all fear on some level they won't try to come back, even if they want to, because of the shame.

I am so glad you are rebuilding with your H. You deserve nothing but the absolute best.

Best to you and your family!!!


Me: 39
H: 45
Second marriage for both
H left 12/2013
M:4 T:5.5
artsy #2475041 08/02/14 12:22 AM
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Uncontrolled sobbing...

How is it for you now, to hear your H talk about all those things you must have wondered about for so long?

I can relate to some of what you wrote. My H would say I was his dream girl and he never felt he was good enough for me. Nothing I said or did made him believe otherwise. He had a crush on me since we were 13.

The thought of H feeling the way your H described is so sad. I hurt for him. I hope he comes out of this.

Please thank your H for sharing his experience.


M44, H44, both M before
M4 yrs, T6
BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me
H att suicide 2/14
S 4/14
OW disc 5/14
D final 4/15
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