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#2432114 02/19/14 06:33 PM
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Raine Offline OP
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"Stuck On You"
Lionel Richie

Stuck on you
I've got this feeling down
Deep in my soul
That I just can't lose
Guess, I'm on my way
Needed a friend
And the way I feel now I guess
I'll be with you till the end
Guess I'm on my way
Mighty glad you stayed

I'm stuck on you
Been a fool too long I guess
It's time for me to come on home
Guess I'm on my way
So hard to see
That a woman like you could wait
Around for a man like me
Guess I'm on my way
Mighty glad you stayed
Oh, I'm leaving on that midnight train
And I know just where I'm going
I've packed up my troubles
And I've thrown them all away
Because this time little darlin'
I'm coming home to stay

I'm stuck on you
I've got this feeling down
Deep in my soul
That I just can't lose
Guess, I'm on my way
Needed a friend
And the way I feel now I guess
I'll be with you till the end
Guess I'm on my way
I'm mighty glad you stayed


Previously on Rebuilding Raine:
1st - Completely heartbroken by husband's MLC
2nd - Rinse, repeat, replay
3rd - Here we go loopty loo. Here we go loopty li.
4th - Crazy little thing called MLC
5th - Back home, for all the wrong reasons
6th - One month down, zero casualties
7th - I am titanium
8th - I've looked at life from both sides now
9th - Don't Break Character


M38,H39
M:16Y
BD:8/12
OWDB:11/12
S:11/12-5/13
"Temp" home:6/13
OW dropped:9/13
"I love you":12/13
H ring on:2/14
Depression back:5/15
"I'm done:" 7/15
H moved out: 3/16
H moved back: 12/16
Working on us: 3/17
Raine #2432158 02/19/14 09:12 PM
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Quote:
He still has OW as friends on FB. And that hurts. And yes he would remove them in a heartbeat if he had any clue how much that affects me, but I don't want that. I want that to come from him.
Hi Raine. I was just catching up on your thread and as I was, I was thinking a few things that may (or may not) help.

Honestly? You think he's a mind reader?? If you want something or feel something, don't put up a wall for it. Let him know you are not comfortable with it, if that is truly the case. Let him know the good the bad and the ugly and be prepared for compromise - by both of you. You remember. Before all of this you two could compromise and it was ok?? smile

The ring. Once again I very much agree with Job. It takes time. I think some of the problem is that in their experience, the stuff that happened, happened to somebody else. It wasn't them (alien, otherworldly, nut job, etc. ring any bells?) Over time they can reintegrate that other, crazy, hurtful person. But like elephants, you are better off eating them in smaller pieces...

I don't see why the ring has to have any significance right now. I'd say leave it off for now and work on the intimacy and tearing down the walls. At some point down the road, when there is that intimacy (and there will be) then it will once again signify to you what it was meant to. And you'll see that it actually does wink

It's the intimacy and the ability to share without walls that leads to everything else. The rest is downstream of that or is symbolic of it.

There's a ways to go, but not nearly as much as when you started. Try to enjoy the ride...

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJM #2432164 02/19/14 09:24 PM
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Raine-

Job and Wonka popped in on my sitch as I've finally admitted to myself the truth, that H is in full on MLC. (I was hoping for a quicker marriage issue)

They told me to read up on your posts and I've read word for word from beginning until now and I am so amazed and even feel a sense of hope for my M. You are so strong and so committed to yourself and your family. You are my DB hero! I am so happy for you and H. I look forward to all of your updates.

If you ever get a chance, can you elaborate on the beginning BD? What did your H anger/blame look like and how long until you feel like he started to look inward? What things did he say? Does he remember saying those things? Thanks in advance!


Me:33 H:35
M: 12 years
D-15 S-6
Bomb: 6-2013
OW: 11/2013
Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair
Kids and I moved back in 12/2013
H moved out 2/2014
AJM #2432165 02/19/14 09:33 PM
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Raine Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: AJM
Honestly? You think he's a mind reader?? If you want something or feel something, don't put up a wall for it. Let him know you are not comfortable with it, if that is truly the case. Let him know the good the bad and the ugly and be prepared for compromise - by both of you. You remember. Before all of this you two could compromise and it was ok?? smile


Nope. I think he can be quite clueless (as all males can be smile But this...this one is important to me that he gets a clue. It's a sign for me of his growth and moving on and resolving that past. Of course he knows how much the whole thing hurts me and how much I despise them. He agrees that even though he felt like at the time we were not together and he never, ever had a chance of getting back together with me, I still feel that we were married. And he agrees with that too. But considering he still can't even tell me who they are, tells me he isn't at that stage yet. I would rather have those nasty people on his FB account than the only reason they are removed is because I want them to be. I've blocked all of them. But if he still wants to keep them as friends for whatever reason, so be it. *shrugs*


M38,H39
M:16Y
BD:8/12
OWDB:11/12
S:11/12-5/13
"Temp" home:6/13
OW dropped:9/13
"I love you":12/13
H ring on:2/14
Depression back:5/15
"I'm done:" 7/15
H moved out: 3/16
H moved back: 12/16
Working on us: 3/17
Raine #2432198 02/20/14 01:17 AM
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If it's one thing I've learned about you Raine, it's that you make up your mind with forethought. You're closer to the situation and you are part of the relationship. An important part. If that's what you need to do, then I'm sure it's what you're going to do and that it'll work out.

smile

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJM #2432230 02/20/14 05:21 AM
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<3 you AJ. I do really want some of this stuff to come from him. I despise the imagery of the nagging wife/mother.

This are pretty dang amazing. I've got my one or two items that I'm holding onto, but other than that, it's nearly unbelievable to image the kind of relationship we have. It's better than it has ever been. I am closer to him than I ever have been. He treats me like I'm the greatest treasure on Earth, that he nearly lost. I have bits and bobs of stuff that I've messaged to people that I need to compile into a post here to shine a full light on what this has grown into.

BG, he said some pretty awful things after the first BD (august 2012), which was three months before I found out about the OW (nov 2012) and we began a 7 month separation. Such as, he would never love me again. He said that and then couldn't remember he said it the next day. The most horrible thing he said was I should have miscarried. That I should have had an abortion. I know he doesn't remember that, and I will never tell him that one either. There were a lot of accusations about how horrible I had been, all the things I had done wrong. Lots of really absurd things, exaggerated. Anything to make me defensive.

He had bits of clarity all along the way, but I remember the biggest one for me came at end of March 2013. Here are some texts from him that day. This was 15 days before I had our baby, two months before he moved back in, and 9 months before he ever told me he loved me again. Yikes, this did take a long time, and so short compared to many others. These are texts he sent me:

"I brought it on myself... And was always a part or the main proponent and soul executioner of the decisions... But you are right in your assessment and wording on the conclusion. I refuse to be called a victim. Victims had zero control ever. I just have zero control NOW!"

"I love to think I'm still me. I sometimes genuinely forget that my relationships with people have changed from what they were. I can't assume that you want to spend time with me and play games... I forget that you don't like me... I assume I can still charm you just right or annoy you just right. I don't have the right or the ability any more. I like the moments when we both forget for a minute and just make each other laugh. That's when I know it's all going to be all right and we'll both be fine with how this has ended up becoming. I got more right than I got wrong before this all went to [censored]... I can be proud and happy about that...

And I now plan on clamming up and rolling into the fetal position... :-P "

"You didn't... You said just enough... And I upset myself. :-P I'm not sorry. I need a dose of reality so I can move onwards and upwards. I'm living in a dream world right now. I just need to take some damn ownership of my life. Like I said though I upset me. No matter what you'll never know what I've gone through in the past however many months. Or what I went through before we even met. That's one thing you've got dead on. You didn't create this, and I've got my own issues that no one... Not even me in a state of blind anger could ever pin on you. But you know what I'll always do... Sing all!!! Sing all my cares away. :)"


M38,H39
M:16Y
BD:8/12
OWDB:11/12
S:11/12-5/13
"Temp" home:6/13
OW dropped:9/13
"I love you":12/13
H ring on:2/14
Depression back:5/15
"I'm done:" 7/15
H moved out: 3/16
H moved back: 12/16
Working on us: 3/17
Raine #2432302 02/20/14 03:43 PM
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Thanks for sharing, Raine! I guess they're not kidding around when they call all these comments 'script'.

I know you started sharing your story to get advice, but you'll probably never realize how much you've helped others with your honesty and just putting it all out there.

I wish your family the best!


Me:33 H:35
M: 12 years
D-15 S-6
Bomb: 6-2013
OW: 11/2013
Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair
Kids and I moved back in 12/2013
H moved out 2/2014
bluesgal #2435308 03/04/14 02:52 AM
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I realized it has been awhile since I’ve posted about what is going on. Because I talk on FB with people from here, I’m thinking I’ve posted all this stuff to the forum too. For those of you who are reading this who are in the thick of the crisis, commit yourself to continuing to post updates. It’s these positive stories that helped get me through this and I want to be sure to give back as much as possible to help someone else.

I will also give you the heads up that it becomes very difficult to post here and read here. Things will get to a really good place in your life where you want to close the door on all of this, no matter what the outcome is. You’ll either be building a new marriage or reach the point that you are done and ready to move on. For me in building a new marriage, it was extremely difficult to read other sitchs. It was bringing up a lot of triggers, reminders, negativity, emotions. I never fully dealt with the pain of the abandonment and trust being broken, I got strong fast because I needed to. It was the best thing I ever did, for me, for the kids, and for H.
I am building a new marriage, but the old one is still there. That’s quite a lot to juggle, and I assume a very good reason for the advice to wait before getting into a new relationship after a breakup. You don’t have that luxury when building a new marriage with the same person you have been married to. It’s also unusual to rely on the one who hurt you the most, to bring you the most comfort. I was going to say “it’s difficult,” but it’s not difficult. It’s amazing that it just works out that way.

So getting caught up...

H continues to open up to me, about everything. I know he doesn’t want to talk about stuff. He says it’s very difficult to talk about the past. He feels embarrassed by it, shocked by it. He can’t believe we are talking about him. He is so upset that he hurt me. He also struggles with his memory. Things don’t fit into timelines. He can remember events, and remember why he felt the way he did about them. There are things that he did and things that I interpreted as one thing, where he knows he felt and thought something entirely different. His processes at the time of moving home were more than he needed to be here and he needed the security. He can see now looking back how he needed me, but he had already lost me and he didn’t know how to fix it. Subconsciously, it was just the only way he knew he could hold on.

I have talked to him about times when I knew his depression was so bad that I would come and pick him up and just force him to go on a drive with me and listen to music. I told him I thought being with the kids would help him. His reply was that it was me. I was the one he needed. I was the one who helped him go on.

His thoughts of suicide were rampant during our separation. He felt it would be the best for everyone. He would think about it, how to do it, when to do it. And it scared him too. It was a big reason he never started drinking. He knew that would likely be the catalyst to push him over the line that kept him from going through with it. He knew it would become an addiction. I told him I was glad for that, that the drinking would be much harder to give up. I told him that I was glad his form of “heroin” was easier to quit.

He dropped the ow, without the expectation of ever having me. He thought I had someone else or easily could. He was so attracted to how confident I was. He assumed that came with having someone, not on my own. Even when he moved back in after I just had the baby, he thought I must have someone else. I changed our bedroom about a month after he moved out, and he took that as me pushing him out, any memory of him, and that room was now for someone else. So when I told him there was no one, I am married, that my standards are extremely high, and I the men I would go with would never go with a married woman...that was one of many things that helped wake him up.

He dropped the ow out of his life because he was worried about losing me in his life. He needed me, as a friend. He needed me to not hate him. He never thought he could have a relationship with me again. He needed me to help him fix himself. And he said that he knew he had to do that himself and that I couldn't fix it. And I said, “But I was your light house.” And he said, “Oh my gosh, yes. That's exactly it. That is the perfect way to describe it.”

He also told me he had a very hard time with the thought of me being with someone else, but that made him feel like a hypocrite. He knew he needed me in his life, however he could. He knew how I felt about cheating. He knew there was no way I would ever accept him again. He always thought that I would care about him and look out for him, but he knew that whatever guy I had in my life was not going to be okay with H being part of my life the way he wanted to be.

I asked him if he ever thought about making a physical move when it was just the two of us spending time together, when he moved back home. He said yes, all the time. He said it was difficult not to. I asked if he was worried about rejection, and he said no. He said rejection would be easy to accept, because he deserved to be rejected. But he was most worried about offending me. He was worried if he did, I would be offended and stop hanging out with him. And that would be devastating.

The last few months we have been spending so much time together, doing new and fun things. We are taking multiple classes together, different cooking classes, going to concerts, doing dates, hanging out with other couples, going to dinner, movies, sporting events. We do a schedule together every week of things we have going on and make sure to schedule date nights and family time. H has become the man of the house, in a very good way. It’s amazing. He is really taking the lead, but also really thinking about things that I would like and trying to amaze and impress me. He is succeeding. I just need more hours in the day, as falling asleep at 3am in each other’s arms is really hampering on the amount of sleep I need. But my choice, right?

ML happens at least once a day. We’re getting pretty creative. He loves that I always come to bed in something sweet, because he knows it’s for him. He has even started doing this before bed too, like shaving or showering, and other things to make himself his best. I know before BD it was pretty simple, tshirt or sweats for me. I was comfortable, in a way I never want to get comfortable again.

I’ve talked to him about limerence, and he loves that I have a word for it. He says he will work the rest of his life to keep that feeling alive. I feel it too, in a way I never have before. It’s limerence, mixed with an incredibly deep love with a lot of history. And that feeling took some time to come back too. I started feeling it about three months after we first ML.

I've never felt so important to anyone, and at the same time, that he depends on me still to get through this. He is counting on me. I told him I never want to get comfortable again.

He calls me up all the time, to tell me he loves me. He is so head-over-hills crazy about me. He says his heart skips a best when I call or text him. He nearly crashed his car when he saw me once, he was so excited to see me. He is super embarrassed about that, but wow! Who does that, right? Some guy is that crazy about me??

He is still going to C and he sees his C more as a life coach. The C is super amazing, and has been really good for both H and I to work with.

I've talked to him about forgiving himself, and he said “later.” He said there is a lot he needs to make up for first. The guilt he carries around is something incredible.
And...I started wearing my ring. I sometimes forget it, but he never takes his off.

He says the sweetest, most incredible things to me all the time. This is something he said recently: "I owe you everything. I owe you my life. Do you realize that? You saved my life. I love you more than you could ever possibly imagine. I will give you anything. Everything."

Lots more to come. I am crazy in love with him and he rocks my world. I am married to the guy everyone wishes they were.

Thank you so much to everyone here. You have gotten me through the darkest moment of my life and into the brightest day. A day I could have never imagined was possible.


M38,H39
M:16Y
BD:8/12
OWDB:11/12
S:11/12-5/13
"Temp" home:6/13
OW dropped:9/13
"I love you":12/13
H ring on:2/14
Depression back:5/15
"I'm done:" 7/15
H moved out: 3/16
H moved back: 12/16
Working on us: 3/17
Raine #2435310 03/04/14 03:16 AM
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Simply amazing-thanks for sharing smile


Me:33 H:35
M: 12 years
D-15 S-6
Bomb: 6-2013
OW: 11/2013
Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair
Kids and I moved back in 12/2013
H moved out 2/2014
bluesgal #2435323 03/04/14 03:56 AM
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Wow!!!

I'm so happy for you guys, Raine!

Considering where you are now this may seem like a silly question, but looking back, is there anything you would have done differently? What's your sage advice for the rest of us still holding on to hope? Thanks so much!


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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