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plshelp Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2014
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Hi There,

My partner and i of almost six years have had quite a good relationship. we have a Two year old son who is amazing, a lovely house, we both work hard but not to hard. My family are very supportive and hers are there when we need them ( her mother is a pain but we don't see her much apparently she has never liked me even though I have only met her a handfull of time and cos she lives in australia )

When we started seeing each other I was just coming out of a very dark relationship we really didn't love each other but owned a house together and had a dog which we both loved and because i wasn't on the mortgage had to play the game to make sure i got my money out ( which I didn't)

GF had never had a proper boyfriend and she was happy with that and things just seemed to fall into place for both of us at the right time.

We meet at one of the venues I worked ( i'm a DJ/club Promoter) I noticed her a long time before I made an approach even though I was so attracted to her I needed to be sure i was ready to start the whole dating thing and that she was interested in me not who i was. You see I had a bit of a rep it comes with the job/lifestyle girls just love a DJ and I used to take full advantage of that and locally i was very well known. I was also a bit of a bad boy with drink and drugs Hard and soft, play girls and a proper party animal you could say but I was getting to a point in my life when i wanted more than that I wanted the girl the house the 2.5 children and the big wedding and all that comes with being a family man not a boy I had playing for so long. And then one night in she walked so much fun, energy and super hot but she really didn't know it but i was hooked from that moment.

Over the coming weeks I played it cool just made the odd eye contact started flirting with others less, then one night while she was sitting on her own looking a bit glum i went over a sat beside her. we had a little chat which helped me get a little more insight into her personality and I told her if you was my girlfriend would remind her of how hot she was everyday which I do. Over the next couple of weeks I played a little hard to get, hot and cold you know the game then one night a mutual friend lent a hand in getting the wheels in motion and we all ended up back at hers for a couple of drinks and we just chatted and chatted till we noticed that everyone else had left, we had a cheeky kiss and i said "can i come upstairs?, no cheeky business just a cuddle" which we did and it just fit for the next few weeks we went on dates bowling, bingo you know fun stuff to take the pressure off conservation stuff that people don't really do anymore it was a while before we slept together which was of my doing as i wanted her to know she wasn't just another of one of my 'groupies' i was in for the long game.

During this time there was plenty of people what to see me undone and was spreading rumours i was at it with this girl chatting up that girl you know the normal stuff and for the first time in my life I could put my hand on my heart and say it is not true and to this day I still haven't cheated on her not once. But she still goes back to them days and still thinks that something must have happened. She says that something in her head is telling her i did...

We moved in together pretty quick she now thinks it was because i was being made homeless by my ex which i kinda was but not in that way. I was still living in the house while my EX was living with her new partner and our paths crossed on the odd occasion but i was well and truly over her and had been for over a year. I could very easly have got my own place i earned good money and to be honest i quite fancied the idea of having my own pad for a wahile but we both agreed it made no sense as i was round hers every night and all weekend we really couldnt get enough of each other, so i moved in. Its was great there was a little fall out with her room mate over money (she didnt want to pay more) plus I suspect that the RM might have implied something happened between us as its been mention lately ( but i can assure you all here that nothing did at all!!!) she moved out and then bang we was a couple Living together on our own and wow we proper loved each other.

There were often problems when i went out with mates like next day a girl would right on my wall asking if i got to my mates house ok or saying i was somewhere when i wasn't, not coming home when i said i would and more rumours of me with others girls.I know i played this bad but it was not affairs i was covering it was because i was still using when i said i wouldn't or if she knew i was with so and so she would go mad. I know I had created doubts of trust in her so to not do that anymore I stopped going out with mates except on the very odd occasion so as to not give her reason to feel like that and I am fine with that as I want her to feel no worry more than any night out partying. To this day I have only been out on a hand full of occasions and still even though i do as i say i will, be home when i say i will and not do any naughty things ( I mean Drugs) she still thinks that something may have happened.

I have not always been that honest i do elaborate stories to make them a bit funnier stretch the truth for comedy effect etc and even told a few little porkys when we first started dating which she did too and its all stuff which i know others including her do but i think she is now seeing this as if i bend the truth like that with the small stuff why wouldn't I with the big stuff.

There is more to our story, after a while i fell into a bit of depression I stopped working at most of my venues and stayed at a venue close to us so she would feel confident knowing she knew everyone there and that if i was to stray that she will find out but I really hated it there my boss was always putting me down and nothing was ever good enough and very quickly starting loosing my confidence I started putting on weight. I was also having real trouble with my sleep not being able to until like 5/6 am then spending the day in bed which has been my biggest source of my depression till only 2 years ago and now have it under control. I also became a bit lazy and had no confidence when it came to DIY and would procrastinate most things. I also have a fear of flying which has kept us from going on holidays which she is craving for. My job has also kept us from going on UK based breaks cos if i don't work i don't get paid but i could have sorted something i guess but I have always been of the mind we need to work and save and not spend money on fancy holidays when we have bills to pay or a future to save for ( i know just writing it all down i realise what a prick i was) and then there is the SEX we are so compatible in this way i mean it is mind blowing and she would have it 5 times a day if she could but due to my lack of confidence and putting on a lot of weight i lost all of my self esteem and i would turn her down all the time down sometimes only doing it once a month and would blame her for my lack of libido which must have hurt her so much.

Over the years we have a accomplished so much as a couple including pretty much building our house, we have a great son which we both adore. She did have a pretty rough delivery which took her a long time to recover and during that time i was working, going to collage, build our house, looking after her and a newborn so was a very stressful time for us both. but we got through that, well so i thought until a few months back.

We both knew things wasn't great both got very snappy at each other low tolerance of the petty things just not good and neither of us seem to want or try to change this we just let it go on. We would argue a lot about rubbish non-important things and most of the time we would both be making the same point but still argue about it ??? she said i was controlling and manipulating i would say she was too and all that jazz. but i always thought we would get through it even though we both admitted that we had mixed feelings at times as to whether we loved each other or not but i always knew just didn't want to lose face so said i felt the same.


Then a couple of months ago it came " i don’t know if i want to be with you anymore, I love you just not in love with you" it killed me, how did we get here???. we decided we would try and have a go and sorting it out we stayed living together I started IC which i have found really helpful i really enjoy going and i am making great progress, though she really didn't want to try it and has not been.

I became very needy, she felt smothered we had a few big fights then the big two came. One night she got a text from her male best friend ( my old friend, who she talks about his and her sex life with and I know and so does everyone else that he is in love with her, like totally but she can’t see it he even went to her baby shower, and trust me she does not fancy him at all but thats not the point, is it???) and i hit the roof ended up in a big row!! hates you's never loved you's on both parts, loads of hateful stuff which we now agree we never meant. We went to bed and both talked a little the next morning but she doesn't want to talk says that she can’t as she is no good at it and that she told me that from the beginning, which helps a lot!!!! but we seemed to have turned a corner all of a sudden we was getting on a bit better had a two nice days then BANGG! one night i saw an email contradicting all she had been saying plus making me out to be a complete monster I admit i did lose it a little but then so did she. Just a big proper screaming match round 2.

Now you would think that was the end of it no chance of us ever getting back together but no It has made us both want to try harder and get this sorted. She says “ you know i love you” but do i?? she agreed to CC which is great and we seem to be getting on great most of the time, we are back to being friends we cuddle, giggle have great days out even had one of our best Xmas ever and when i asked the other day if she thinks we will make it she said maybe? which is better than i don’t know, right?. She has even made comments about what we can do next xmas and looking at holidays to disney in the spring and Rome in the winter and meaning as a couple, well i think she did.

we was meant to be getting married November which she can’t talk about at the mo but as far as i know nothing has been canceled. (The wedding is one of the reason i think we are where we are as her mother has said she was coming then changed her mind as she did not support it.)

But still no kisses at the end of text messages no i love you too's yet i can still tickle her breasts and bottom, the odd kiss on the lips see her in the shower, getting undressed together sleeping in the same bed ( which we have done since the "not in love with you" speech ). so i guess i am pretty confused as to where we are. I am also starting to think is she up to something ( you know how your mind can work). And still no SEX!

We have started CC which seems to be just her dumping her stuff on me and me taking responsibility for not meeting her needs which i do admit that i really have dropped the ball at times but i have always been very attentive and do about a hundred acts of love each and everyday like cook her dinner, taking her plate out, the cleaning, listen to her talk about her day like totally, no fixing just listening, cuddles & kisses, i love you’s, eye contact, supportive, caring, watching all her telly, buying her gifts, taking her on big days out (on our own and as a family) i never make her pay for anything, tell her how beautiful she is everyday, never say anything negative (even though some days i feel like screaming), leave her little notes, I’m thinking of you texts, pick up something small that reminds me of her, never forgot birthdays, valentines days, anniversaries i even made up some special occasions just for the fun and love of it, i am a very good earner we have NO DEBTS AT ALL except a very small mortgage. i stay at home and care for our son for three days so she can go to work and have some independence then we are both at home for the other 4 days and care for him together, she goes out a lot with her friends which i encourage.

I guess i would understand if all this started after the ILYB but i have always done this. But none of this seems to have been noticed or even appreciated. And she very rarely does things for me, she shuts off when I talk about me and my day (even more so now so i no longer try) she has never ever cooked for me or even treated me to a take away (she won’t even call up for one) In fact i can’t not think of even one need she has even tried to meet ( except when it comes to sex).

But i just sit there in CC taking all this on with some rebuttal but not a lot, you see i have come to realise that my needs are not as important to me as she is ( i don’t know why either lol, you can’t help who you fall in love with i guess). We have made a family and my little boys needs us both. ( we hardly ever argue and when we do he is never around PERIOD!. (I know that he still picks up on stuff even though he is only 2 yr). When we are good we are great we have so much in common music, art, books, film, most T.V please forgive me if i am not interested in who uzbekistans or which ever country the new show is abouts next top model but i watch it and pay attention cos she enjoys it and she does sometimes do the same for me though she normally has her face in her phone, which she does a lot and i mean alot. We enjoy the same trips, museums, shows & gigs we have the same sense of humor, we bitch and laugh at the same stuff and when we do have sex WOW she can have 15 Os till she pleads no more. But sex is a massive issue for us both.

The SEX!!

She has a lot of problems downstairs as in, she is coming on her period for a week, on for a week and the coming off for a week ( she has now finally gone to the doctors to try and sort this out afters 6 years, maybe in prep for her next relationship). so we only have a window of a week and when she is final off and we do have sex she very tight after the birth and can tear and bleeds a lot. We have also had issue with her screaming the house down, we have had letters from the council and neighbours, bricks through the window etc. She wants sex on the sofa all the time ,when sometimes i would like to do it in the bedroom, She will jump on me when we have been laying down watching telly and I’m all lethargic or when I am have a spell of acid reflux which i really suffered with for 4 years and have only recently found a med which has worked after trying more than 8 different types over the years)

Plus she never really wants it when i do like when we come home from a night out with her looking all hot dressed up and a little bit tipsy, cos she is too tired Or after one of our great chats when we have been talking about silly stuff for hours and i am so turned on cos we have really connected.

I have turned her down a lot which must have hurt her feelings which i really regret, HOW DO I MAKE AMENDS???

So much has happened since Xmas some great, some good, some bad for instance last saturday i took time off work to stay at home to look after our son as we couldn't get a sitter so she could go to her friends birthday. She had a great time and was texting me which included KISSES !!!??? she hasn’t done that in ages then she came home we chatted a laughed ( which we still do a lot) then the next day we cuddled and she stroked my hand another WOW then monday came she went back to work and the kisses stopped.

It has been 4 months now and after me trying so hard, reading tons of books, I have done a 180, I have given her space, I have tried to talk, made a point of not trying to talk, Done loads of changing myself, changed my jobs ( which i am really happy with, I love it there and it has given me my confidence back) I have lost the weight, 2st in 1 month have just 1st to go till my target, joined a gym, I go out with mates, which she stills get jealous about (not sure what to make of that??). She seems no closer WHAT MORE CAN I DO????? I know its going to take time but surely just a glimmer of hope that that I am doing better and that she is “getting there” all i ask is just for a small amount of reassurance or is that to much to expect yet? ( a real question not sarcasm).

I still go IC and have been working on communication, how to argue better without fighting, plus confidence and “man up” stuff. I think i have a better relationship with my councillor wink.

Do you guys have any advice? i would really be interested to hear from anyone who has gone through something similar.

Please forgive my dyslexic rambling and Thank you for taking the time to read this even if you dont post a response.

Good luck to you all x x

Joined: Nov 2008
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AJM Offline
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Joined: Nov 2008
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P, I don't see that as rambling at all smile

I suspect you might find better help in the newcomers forum rather than here. Have you tried posting there?

I do think you are doing the right things, but you'll find some more help there vs. this forum.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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plshelp Offline OP
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Thank you


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