T2, I'm glad you like the guy you are now. We don't realize it, but when the MLC hits, we, too, have lessons to learn along the way and you've learned them very well.
Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Amen brother. Although I wonder sometimes if I would still be me without the events. Kind of a sticky wicket...
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I am very impressed that you say you aren't "looking" for reconciliation signs. Thats awesome. And how you label it as "interesting" and not searching for more. I guess that comes with Time!.
I think its really nice how she wanted to ensure your comfort level by explaining the ring situation.
As for interest in another relationship... I agree, I cannot imagine the intimacy or ever be as intense. I wonder at what point, that changes. I do feel that its possible that the grass could be much greener for me.... but, have concerns that I would never reach the level that we had, with someone else. Which is why I feel I try soooo much harder to DB and my goal is still to R with h. I am very curious how this change happened for you.
Its just awesome that you now see this MLC time as a "gift", as you are now the man you want to be. I do see this happening for me too (as a woman), becoming a WAY better person, but... I am still a work in progress.
Nice to hear you have survived and are thriving.
Can't wait to hear your next chapter. You are inspiring.
Thanks, Magic
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
As for interest in another relationship... I agree, I cannot imagine the intimacy or ever be as intense. I wonder at what point, that changes. I do feel that its possible that the grass could be much greener for me.... but, have concerns that I would never reach the level that we had, with someone else. Which is why I feel I try soooo much harder to DB and my goal is still to R with h. I am very curious how this change happened for you.
Can I suggest something? Take another look at that and ask yourself what was different about YOU when before. I suggest that the only thing really different is that your perspective has changed. Your understanding of things has changed.
The only thing that will stand in the way of you having a better relationship in the future, with even more intensity and even more intimacy with either a new R with your current spouse or a new R with somebody else, is.... YOU.
See what I mean?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJ is right on magic, I am different now, more my true self.
And have learned to accept people for who they are, where they are, at the moment I am interacting with them. Not mind-reading. I am am more comfortable being open. More comfortable NOT having an agenda, of controlling things. Directing things.
Am I perfect at it? Nope. But I am aware. Knee jerk habitual reactions minimized.
Perspective and understanding changed.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
T2, And...you've learned to dig for a lot of patience! LOL!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
ok... I am too becoming those things. I like my new perspective (it takes care of ME!! new 180). I am not mind-reading anymore, I ask questions and HEAR the answers (even if I don't like them). Not controlling the outcome and being careful not to manipulate too. I too am a work in progress. Still making errors, but am able to "catch" them before or.. at least realize 'after'.
However...
both my h and I are "stuck" believing that the level of our intimacy is special & rare. Our mediator put this in our head recently & h is even reiterating how he fears he would NEVER be able to be like that with someone else. He says that its likely that 50% of marriages have what we have.
So... i wonder, is it really true? possible? or just different.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
A quick update, mostly about me. I want to hopefully show the people new to this journey (or stuck) that life will get better, if you do the needful for yourself, even while still stuck in limbo-land.
Detach. Stop trying to control the outcome. Stop looking for angles, quick fixes. Work on YOU, find YOU, it really is a gift of time in a crappy package. Rebuild YOU and YOUR life the way YOU want it to be. If they come out of the fog, they can catch up to YOU.
^^^ is all tough, tough stuff, took me a long time to get and master these things. Everyone gets where they need to be in their own time.
On to the update:
I went out with the boys in the band Saturday night. I have not been out in years now. There is such a natural fit...we are all successful in our careers, a bit nerdy, and we all have a naturally congruent sense of humor. Practices are filled with humor and laughter, and so was last night...just cracking up giggling (in manly ways). We went to this awesome Basque bar, where they are beer lovers so got to try a bunch of new craft and microbrews.
Ate some amazing lamb snacks and fended off cougars....man I am glad I chose to not go out after BD, that would have been dangerous. I'm in such a great place now that the danger doesn't exist...just liking the attention, yet bemused by it. And I swear I can tell the damaged ones, the mlc ones and the desperate ones...the eyes say so much when you have learned to look and read.
We then went to this 80's bar themed after the old movie "Hackers"...all the old video arcade games...originals, not remakes, real pinball machines, some Atari and Commadore 64 computers, and yet more awesome beers...and they all took real quarters!
Learned that the guitar players W went MLC, they are divorced and she is in the resentful, bitter, "this didnt turn out to be as magical as I thought" mode..so we had some great convo there. He eyes lit up with understanding when I used the "alien thing inhabiting my W" and "the switch flip" metaphors earlier at band practice. She is just nuts, he showed me her texts to him, her fb page...just wow. He has had to now legally restrict her to communication via one email address and only about the kids and the kids schedules. So many broken people. But he is good, he did the self-work and has moved forward strongly. He joked that as he gets closer to success, the more obstacles are put in his way (W spew/actions)...so he knows he is doing the right things.
He also did not want too may details of of my sitch, in case things worked out, because he didn't want any preconceived attitudes about W.
Anyway, I just love my freakin' life...even while still in limbo-land.
PMA >= "11"
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Detach. Stop trying to control the outcome. Stop looking for angles, quick fixes. Work on YOU, find YOU, it really is a gift of time in a crappy package. Rebuild YOU and YOUR life the way YOU want it to be. If they come out of the fog, they can catch up to YOU.
^^^ is all tough, tough stuff, took me a long time to get and master these things. Everyone gets where they need to be in their own time.
this is great stuff here - I read similar things every day but it's always good to be reminded so thank you for posting it!! Glad you went out and had such a good time, that 80's place sounds fantastic, wish they had that around here!! Keep up the good work.
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
