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Joined: Feb 2014
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Sad2D Offline OP
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Hi,

I have been in a married for 4 yrs and together for 13 we meet at 18(me) 17(her). We are both very different personalities but that was what we loved about each other. We moved out only 2 yrs after meeting and worked very hard on our relationship and life goals. After struggling financial for a while I finally landed a great job 5 yrs ago and so did she. We have no kids and valued our time spent together because we worked long days.
Throughout the marriage I have neglected several duties probably all 5 love language rules at some time:
Words of affirmation/gift/physical touch/quality time/acts of service.

A job offer popped up 3.5hrs away from our home and she asked if she could take the job and we could move. I agreed despite the fact I was doing well at my current job and liked were we lived, but she was always outgoing and independent and I wanted her to nourish that because it attracted me to her. Also one of the reasons I encouraged her side modelling because I saw how happy it made her with herself.
She moved 6 month ahead of me to settle us in and I stayed behind to settle things before I would make the permanent transition. She also got transferred with her boss so I knew she at least was not going to a new place without having someone that she knew there with her.
I moved and at first it was amazing we where at a new place with new goals and a fresh start. I had to start over at work and I didn't take it well, it was a much slower pace, being a smaller town and the income was not as good and would take time to develop. I got depressed and home sick, thus neglected her needs and found other distractions, like books, games or doing nothing at all (which was a huge no no because she was very outgoing and liked being social and i usually behaved like a fool around her friends) Our relationship suffered because of me physically and emotionally. One day after coming home with dinner she asked me to separate, asked if I could move out. Said she loved me but is not in love with me anymore. She gave me a list of reasons (neglect/lack of sex/ anti-social) she knew I was in a funk and could not deal with it anymore. I agreed to the separation and immediately started to make personal changes to me personality reinventing myself. Started cleaning the house, leaving gifts around, doing things that would give her less stress with her schedule. I also joined a dance class to do something different and get active again.
This only angered her even more, she cried called me a fraud for finally doing these things and a liar just trying to con her back in. I knew at this time that I would have to listen to her wishes and move out for her to see that I really did make changes and wanted them to be permanent. So we spoke about a managed separation: split the accounts, she would continue paying bills and I would give her money, she took the vehicle, we would not see each other, and date other people (this one really bothered me because I felt it was unnecessary at this time)
Her response was that she's social and would not wait around and she wanted to date to see how this would make her feel and I could also date. I couldn't believe that it only took 9 months to unravel 13 yrs. She asked me to remove everything from the apartment and in 7 days I left, she even wished me luck on our last phone call.
It's hard for me to focus on how cruel she became so quickly. She says she does not want a divorce but if I don't listen to her separation demands she might change her mind.

I have spent the last couple days staying active and focusing on myself. I just don't know what I should do? It's been a week and might be still in shock, don't know what actions I should take to try to resolve this or in what time frame.

M 30
S 29
Bomb feb 2/2014
No kids.


M 30 W 29
No Children
Bomb 02/02/2014
Currently Separated
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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Hi. Sorry that you find yourself here, but you won't find a better group of individuals who want to see your marriage getting back on track.

First things first. You need to read DB or DR immediately so you understand some of the advice that we give.

Next, I have to ask... are you sure there isn't someone else in the picture?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Sad2D Offline OP
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Hi,

I will definitely read up on that info.
On whether their is someone else in the picture? It is quite possible as she does have male co-worker friends in the work place but has always referred to them as such and I have meet them on several occasions.
Her company takes intimate work relationship extremely seriously and I know she would be terrified to jeopardize that as she sees it first hand because shes the one disciplining the parties involved.
Outside of work I am 100% sure there are no inappropriate relationships (No Time).
We were extremely open to those kinds of conversations and shared our feelings about it, so would be very surprised she would not communicate that to me because me and her have in the past.

M-30 W-29
No Children


M 30 W 29
No Children
Bomb 02/02/2014
Currently Separated
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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So have you read DB or DR yet?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
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S2d,

you need to read the books that form the basis of this approach. IT's not the same as other "Save your marriage" approaches.

Once you read it and get yourself some hope, you'll also recognize the terms and jargon we use here. And the concepts, which are not typical of most approaches.

For instance, many marriage counselors help couples rehash the past. That just does NOT HELP. It ends up regurgitating old unsolved conflicts and usually further entrenches each person in their position...

Letting go of the past is KEY. I don't believe much (a little, but not a lot) in the whole big history of how they "got here" rather than how to get themselves OUT of where they are.

This is a solution based approach.
It really is simple but also very different. It also requires both parties, EVENTUALLY, to let go of their grievances. You can't move forward with a scorecard. I see some major score keeping in your post, although I understand you are new to this.

Keep on keeping on and keep coming here. IT's a great place to be, for a lousy reason.

Focus on what you'd like to change in YOURSELF (not her) b/c you are the person here, working on things.

She's not here, she's Not interested, at the moment. So don't worry about HER, worry about Your sandbox.

Make sense? Get the book and for now, live as best you can, by these "rules"< which are of course merely guidelines, and Not all apply.

But most do, most of the time...


1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patient on your behalf.

21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). Sometimes the right thing to say is nothing.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

38. Know that in time, you really will be happy again, regardless of your spouse’s choices. Know this, believe it, and let it show.

39. Do not believe that showing your spouse your pain and misery proves your love for them. It just makes it harder to be around you.

40. Don’t worry about how the past is viewed. What matters is this day and “from this day forward.” Learn to let go of the past and what you cannot control. It’s a lot to let go of, but it is freeing.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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PS

Don't skip steps, S2...get the book. The first one is Div Busting & the second one is Div Remedy. It's really a 2nd edition of the first and you may prefer it. But read one of them, asap.

I'm always amazed at those who are "devastated" but then, when it comes down to it, cannot make themselves read A BOOK to save their m. They'd rather come here and ask strangers for "the secret", instead of figuring out what they can, and them coming here.

Read the book, and keep posting here.

I can tell you this:

Without this site and my DB coach, I'd have filed for divorce.

No question. Give the approach here, a real chance.

Good luck!


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
"I will definitely read up on that info. "

Order the books right away. You have to do the work same as everyone else on here. There are NO shortcuts.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 4
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Sad2D Offline OP
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I'm reading them now just a bit slow because the move and work has kept me really busy. Love the list 25yearsmic, printed it and its on my reminder board near the door.
I do believe I have a pretty good handle of my emotions and everything on that list makes sense to me, find it easy to follow.
Only time I get discombobulated is when she calls me usually on the weekends sometimes via text asking how I am doing and checking in on me, it leaves me confused but I always just speak about the great things happening to me and always end the conversation.

Now that I am at my new place and finally organized it has helped out a lot with my focus and goals. Keeping busy and enjoying the new feeling of having control over my emotions.
I also separated finances which she was reluctant to do and returned house keys to her and told her to contact me in a emergancy. Have not seen her since the bomb.

M 30
S 29
Bomb feb 2/2014
No kids.
_________________________
M 30 W 29
No Children
Bomb 02/02/2014
Currently Separated


M 30 W 29
No Children
Bomb 02/02/2014
Currently Separated
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 188
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Posts: 188
Keep up the good work in similar situation but hopeful as well


Me 40 W 40
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I personally suggest you not to pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off! Do No frequent phone calls to spouse let him be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

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