This, That and The Other

[labug]

Interesting questions.

Bug, good to see you are making some progress. I’m learning about patience too.

I remember when I read one of your previous posts when you said that you decided to give it a try with H. How sure were you about wanting to try with your H instead of starting new with somebody else?

It wasn't a question of wanting to try with H instead of someone new, my hesitation would have been because my life was pretty great without him. I didn't want to lose everything I'd gained. I figured at some point in the future someone might show up that I would be interested in but it didn't weigh on my mind. If it was to happen, it would happen.

After we dated for a while, I was sure I wanted to try but wasn't going to worry about or attempt to control the outcome.

I can see that the reconciliation process is a lot of work, at least on your part anyway. So, were you absolutely determined to make it work?

First, I know it's been work for both of us. You only hear about my process here, his is his but I think you can see some of his changes in the scenarios above. All R require work from both parties.

I'm not determined to make it work. I'm determined to be present every day as my best self. To be open, honest, respectful and to communicate my needs, my love and my anger. I watch for creeping resentment and figure out how to deal with it if it's there. (I have some right now that I'm working on ;/ )

I practice gratitude.

If I'm consistently doing those things and it doesn't work, then I don't want to be in that R.

It does sound like a lot of work but what I consider the hard work is only a small percentage of the time we spend together. We have more fun and good times that we did in the 5 years before BD combined.

Do you still have any doubts?

Hmmmm...I don't have doubts, I think because I have very few expectations. Yesterday was good, today was good, we'll see what tomorrow brings. I try not to worry about tomorrow, or look too far into the future. That was one of my problems in the past.

[BklynMom]

Hi Labug just caught up on your thread and remain so impressed with your recovery.

I can imagine how much more difficult it is to be recovered when you are restarting a relationship. So many of the old triggers must appear.

You talk on these boards a lot about your disease of depression, was your H going through any type of crisis or depression when he left or was it really only a response to your difficult behavior and once he saw that you were "cured" he felt safe to return?

Have you and your H spoken to your sons about what happened? Do they feel secure in your relationship as a family?

[BklynMom]

Also check out this article in the NY Times modern love column this weekend about remarrying your ex.

A Second Embrace, With Hearts and Eyes ... By MARY ELIZABETH WILLIAMS.

[labug]

BK, thanks for the article. Her experience is very close to my experience, except the melanoma, thank god.

Your questions really got me thinking. I'll be back with some answers.

I'll have to check on your sitch. haven't visited for a while.

[BrightFuture]

It wasn't a question of wanting to try with H instead of someone new, my hesitation would have been because my life was pretty great without him. I didn't want to lose everything I'd gained. I figured at some point in the future someone might show up that I would be interested in but it didn't weigh on my mind. If it was to happen, it would happen.

Sometimes I have the same feelings, that at some point I will be in a place where I would like my life and would not care it would work out with H or not. I’m not quite there yet, but having these feelings to pop up once in a while is a good sign.

I'm not determined to make it work. I'm determined to be present every day as my best self. To be open, honest, respectful and to communicate my needs, my love and my anger. I watch for creeping resentment and figure out how to deal with it if it's there. (I have some right now that I'm working on ;/ )

I can also see myself doing this, just be present.

I practice gratitude.

I do too, and it helps enormously. I don’t have any anger towards H anymore. At least I haven’t had that feeling for some time now. It could come back, IDK.

Hmmmm...I don't have doubts, I think because I have very few expectations. Yesterday was good, today was good, we'll see what tomorrow brings. I try not to worry about tomorrow, or look too far into the future. That was one of my problems in the past.

It is hard to imagine that you have no expectations. Do you have a hope that your R with your H will continue to improve? Would you be hurt if it doesn’t work out? My thinking is that when you let someone into your heart (again), you naturally have some expectations, or at least hope for the better. Just trying to understand.

BK, I’ve read that article too. Thanks for the info. I’m curious about your questions too. Will wait for the answers.

[labug]

Hi Labug just caught up on your thread and remain so impressed with your recovery.

Thanks. For the first time in my life I feel that I'm becoming the person I'm meant to be. I'm no longer caught up in being the "good girl" or the person I thought every other person in my life wanted me to be. I once told my IC I had lived my life like a chameleon, constantly changing based on what signals I was getting from the person I was interacting with at that moment.

I can imagine how much more difficult it is to be recovered when you are restarting a relationship. So many of the old triggers must appear.

Yes. I think one of the blessings of my sitch is that it did take so long. This weekend marked 3 years since he left the house. Of course the year before that had been crappy.

Right now I'm sitting in a hospital cafeteria as H is having surgery. He doesn't do medical stuff well(my judgment)he gets very quiet, nervous and a bit snippy. He's fearful although he doesn't like to admit it. I work in healthcare so I can be very blase about it all. In the past I belittled his very real fears, not in an overt way but by not listening and validating, by expecting him to just grin and bear it. I wanted to control his feelings because his fear and uncertainty made me uncomfortable.

This time I've gone with the flow, let him say whatever he needed to say but didn't try to force him to share his feelings. When he's been short with me, I've taken it in context of the situation, didn't try to defend myself or respond in kind. I've upped the ILUs and hugs.

we'll both be happy to have this day behind us.

You talk on these boards a lot about your disease of depression, was your H going through any type of crisis or depression when he left or was it really only a response to your difficult behavior

I can't say for sure, he has his share of "stuff" but he was living with a woman with progressive depression and it's pretty evident that marriages where one spouse is depressed, especially if untreated the rates of depression in the other spouse increase as does the rate of D. A lot of what was going on was in response to my depression, we both played our parts.

If you had asked friends and co-workers about me during that time, I doubt that many would have used the word depressed. Funny, sarcastic, angry, unhappy, diligent, hard-working, maybe but depressed wouldn't have been at the top of the list. Depression has many faces and often doesn't look like we think it should look.

I talk about it here because I think it's good to know it has a name, it can be destructive, it is in most cases very treatable but first we have to admit that it's there.

...and once he saw that you were "cured" he felt safe to return?

I think that pretty much sums things up but he had to do some work, too.

Have you and your H spoken to your sons about what happened? Do they feel secure in your relationship as a family?

I think our sons have a pretty good idea of what happened, they were living it, too. I've been very frank about my depression and treatment.

I don't know how secure they feel.

[labug]

It is hard to imagine that you have no expectations. Do you have a hope that your R with your H will continue to improve? Would you be hurt if it doesn’t work out? My thinking is that when you let someone into your heart (again), you naturally have some expectations, or at least hope for the better. Just trying to understand.

I've really thought about the expectations and yes, I have expectations that he'll come home from work at the normal time, that his check will go in the bank every other Thurs, I expect him to be faithful, I expect him to let me know if he feels things are going off the rails, I expect that he will listen and work with me to resolve conflict.

We both have responsibility in the last 3 because if he doesn't feel safe talking to me about issues he may not bring them up, he may not be as willing to listen and therefore we would be unable to resolve conflict.

So I work at the goals I mentioned in the earlier post to you. Those are things I can control

I've worked very hard through IC, AlAnon, personal work, here, to get rid of unrealistic expectations about things that are out of my control. I've learned to let go.

I don't have the expectation that we will "live happily ever after" and I'm sure if it doesn't work I will be sad. I can live with sadness, it's a part of life. I know it won't kill me.

Looking that far ahead (ever after) is trouble. Why do that? I've read somewhere that worrying about tomorrow steals the joy from today and I believe that to be true.

I know this way of being can be difficult to understand. Had you told me 4 years ago I would be saying these things, I would have said you were crazy. What? Me not have a death grip of control on my future? I had everything planned, that's the only way I felt safe. Fear ruled my life.

I still have fears, another part of life, but my fears no longer control me.

[Breakdown]

Bug, so glad things are going well for you. I absolutely love the way you think about things now.

....my hesitation would have been because my life was pretty great without him. I didn't want to lose everything I'd gained.

I can really relate to this. I think it's what we mean when we say "you may not save your M, but you'll definitely save yourself."

I still have fears, another part of life, but my fears no longer control me.

Bravo Bug....bravo.

[BrightFuture]

Bug, thanks for answering my questions. I do get it. I was also a person who planned everything in the future. Actually it was not the planning itself, but a run of possible scenarios and an attempt to select the best possible. This drove me crazy sometimes and H blamed me for inability to make a decision, even about some small everyday stuff.

I’m trying to live today and not obsess about the future. I feel so much better now. Your story inspired me every time I read your updates.

[labug]

Oh yes, BD, I certainly saved myself and did not want to fall back into old patterns of behavior. I truly didn't know that life could be like this. Hadn't a clue.

BF, all I can say is (like an old record, you remember those ) keep working on you and leave your H to be who he is. He will either decide to change his life or not and you might just find that you really don't want him in yours.

And that's perfectly OK.