I watched the Oscars last night and was glad I got to see the acceptance speech by the writers of the song Let It Go:
“Our girls, Katie and Annie, our song is inspired by our love for you in the hope that you never let fear and shame keep you from celebrating the unique people that you are. Thank you, we love you,” Kristen Anderson-Lopez on accepting the best original song for “Let It Go” from the film “Frozen” with her husband Robert Lopez.
Awesome, huh? We can waste so much of our lives dealing with shame.
From the song:
Be the good girl you always have to be Conceal, don't feel,
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I'll tell you a story in realtime. I'm moving through anger with my H right now. We had a disagreement about plans for later today. I could feel my anger coming up in me and I disengaged. Went for a bike ride, came home and he had to leave for his guitar lesson.
I needed to be away from him to figure out just exactly what I'm feeling, why I'm feeling that and how to deal with it.
I'm feeling hurt because it seems to me that he disregarded my feelings. (You know this before he does ) He didn't do that intentionally so we need to talk about it more and come to a decision that works for both of us.
I had to sit with the anger and let it pass to figure that out.
I need to have an open mind to hear him out. I couldn't do that with anger clouding my brain
on another thread last week and wanted to follow-up on it here.
I won't relate the word-for-word conversation that happened the next morning (mostly because I can't remember it word-for-word)but can explain my thought process as I worked my way through this.
I thought about who I wanted to be when H got home from his guitar lesson. The old me would have been pouty, angry, withholding affection, concerned only for my feelings. The real me wants to show love and respect for my M and my H even in the bad times. So when he came home, I greeted him with a hug, a kiss and an ILU.
I still wasn't ready to talk more at that time. I knew I would when ready because in the past I swept these things under the rug and then made another check mark in the resentment column in my brain.
The next morning after breakfast we talked. I started with, I want to talk about what happened yesterday, looking straight at him, making eye contact. His immediate response was "I know I hurt your feelings" I agreed that I was hurt but told him I knew that wasn't his intention. Then I stated my need and listened to what he had to say, what his needs were and we were able to negotiate something that will work for both of us. We also talked about how much easier and better this process was, compared to our past conflict resolution experiences.
So what was different? What worked?
I- 1. didn't get angry and move immediately to my corner, sulking. 2. recognized when my anger was building and backed off to let it pass. Some times anger is appropriate, sometimes it isn't. I won't know that if I just react every time it comes up. 3. clarified my goal. 4. didn't withhold affection as punishment. 5. actually thought about my response. (novel idea, huh?) 6. took my H's feelings into account, I din't blame him (he'd had stressful week with some health issues) 7. didn't use the words you, always, never etc. 8. looked at the problem from a R POV, not just my POV or H's POV but what was best for the R. 9. did recognize I had a need and figured out the best way to present that to H. I didn't play the long-suffering "Oh I'm fine, I have no needs" victim and then feel sorry for myself and place blame when my needs weren't met. 10. LISTENED!
This went really well and it so easly could have been an absolute mess! I was talking with my IC yesterday, and said it's amazing how these little interactions of just a few minutes can reveal so much. To which she replied, "But it's taken a lot of work to get here." There really are no "little" interactions.
It has been a lot of work, I was a died in the wool persecutor/victim. I see it so clearly now.
Sometimes I'm afraid the "new" me will disappear in a poof of smoke and I'll be that unhappy mess again. But the more interactions I have like the one above, the less I'm worried about that.
All this happened on Sun, IC on Mon and then Mon afternoon I get this in my inbox from a subscription called F*ck Feelings:
"Marriage requires a lot of sacrifice, and while surrendering some independence and half your Netflix subscription fees are worth it, the ability to keep strong emotional reactions from screwing up rational judgment is not. Sometimes, marital conflict will cause you to blame yourself unfairly, just to restore peace, and other times, you’ll blame your partner unfairly, to head off a situation that scares you. In any case, don’t forget that you can make an independent judgment without blaming or demeaning your spouse. Give yourself time, use normal business practices, and you’ll always find a positive way to discuss your differences and stand by both your vows and your own vision of what’s right and wrong."
I CAN do this.
Follow-follow-up on this post.
I don't think I mentioned the actual cause of this disagreement. One of my LLs is quality time and I like to have that out of the house, preferably with dinner. That's my perfect date, to have a nice dinner somewhere. In the past, H has never really "got" that. I had so much resentment about this that it was something that I brought up repeatedly in a phone rant not long after he left. It's a big issue.
It's not that we never eat out, we do, but this is a "date" where you get asked and things are planned for you. It's not "let's grab something at Chipotle."
So the problem in the above posts was because I had wanted to go out for dinner and he didn't. My mind immediately went to "he doesn't love me, he's not paying attention, how difficult can this be, I can't be with someone who's so selfish, ha hasn't changed..." All destructive and untrue. That's why taking the time to let emotion pass and think clearly is so important. Otherwise we're right back where we started, in our corners, acting out old scripts.
As you can read above, we had a talk the next day, I again let him know, lovingly, how important this is to me and compared it to one of his LLs.
This past Saturday, without nudging (not even P/A nudging), he asked me out to dinner and we had a wonderful time.
On Monday with my IC (she of course knows all this history) I said "H asked me out to dinner Sat!" We both did a little happy dance.
And here's another thing. I told H I had let my IC know about the dinner date, how much I appreciated it and that I now realize he hadn't understood the importance of this small act.
He said "I really didn't but I do see it and especially now that you made it a part of your talk with your T."
This is work but it's so worth it.
I'm re-reading the book Family Communication, great knowledge for anyone who's looking for ways to improve communication with partners, children, friends. I've picked up on some things that I do that I was unconsciously doing.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Bug, good to see you are making some progress. I’m learning about patience too.
I remember when I read one of your previous posts when you said that you decided to give it a try with H. How sure were you about wanting to try with your H instead of starting new with somebody else? I can see that the reconciliation process is a lot of work, at least on your part anyway. So, were you absolutely determined to make it work? Do you still have any doubts?
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
This isn't about forgiveness per se but it the last quot I remember using: “People mistakenly assume that their thinking is done by their head; it is actually done by the heart which first dictates the conclusion, then commands the head to provide the reasoning that will defend it.”
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
) He didn't do that intentionally so we need to talk about it more and come to a decision that works for both of us.