work is good; H is crazy

[ericmsant2]

Any thoughts??

Well since you asked

1) I think I understand where you are in the process. Allow me to explain. IMO, you are at the "let me speak to him as an adult and hopefully he will respond as an adult" OR "I am talking to someone rational" phase. I went through this for a while..a long while actually.

IMO, stop expecting him to be rational and resonable. Period.

You are not going to talk sense into him.

Quick story....so I was talking to one of my very good board friends...explain how my XW - was totally unreasonable. My comment to him was.....

"I'm a trying to have a reasonable conversation with someone who is unreasonable".

His response to me .... "say that again"..

So I said it again, his response was the same - "say it again". This went on for a few minutes. The point was this....

I was trying to have a reasonable conversation with someone who is unreasonable.

So stop it. He ain't gonna change - at least not yet and not until HE feels he needs to.

ACCEPT that right now he is not in his right mind. Nothing you say to him is going to snap him out of it.

H: I'm not denying you access you can always go to the bank.

If you take the emotion of out of your interactions with H, you will see that he has a point. YOU could have just gone to the bank and explained that you need online access. Stop expecting him to be reasonable, SHOW him that YOU DO NOT need his arse.

but, I'm entitled to access and would like the login info please

"entitled" - IMO, I would try not to use this word. Why? Because both of you have different views on "entitled". He probably feels "entitled" to things that you would not agree with.


Keep the responses to him very short and too the point. If you do not need to speak to him - don't.

Continue to respond to him, keeps YOU stuck. Keeps you from moving forward. Fustrates YOU.

So what other reason beside the kids would you need to text or speak to him for. Oh..btw, I get the saving legal fee money rational. Sometimes though ya have no choice. You really cannot reason with crazy.

So...what are you gonna do the next time he texts you?

Peace,
Eric

[Wonka]

WR,

Job and Eric raise very good points. I have nothing to add here.

One thing I did notice about s14' lack of enthusiasm about H. It seems to me that he is afraid to tell H how he really feels because H may get angry and minimize s14's feelings. Who wants that kind of rejection? Who wants to feel dis-empowered by an adult...especially if it is a parent?

[Whiterose]

You all make very valid points.

I cannot get access online by going to the bank.....they don't have access abilities. I could have tried on line but it's very difficult, at best, they could have shut down the account and I would have had to re install it with a new pw.

I have all the info now so it's good. Eric, generally, I don't initiate conversation, I'm actually pretty good with waiting for him, but it's been frustrating not knowing if my child support was there, what the balance was if the mortgage was to go through, and every time I would go up to the bank and have to access info via the machine. I've been doing this for months and months. The reason I'm not getting paper statements anymore is because his name is on the acct and anything with his name is automatically forwarded to his new address, I cannot get his name taken off the mailing address as it's generated from head office and his name is on the acct, they won't remove it.....I agree I could have gone the L route, was going to, but just spent $300 to get my child support info, as he would not respond to my texts, and didn't feel like spending even more money.
I do pick and choose what I'll answer to if he does text me. There are times I've never sent a response, and, as you read, I did not engage in any talk about the iTunes, past things we'd agreed to that I sent letters about (although I really wanted to know what the hell he was talking about) I kept to the login info and then answered his questions about the boys.....everything else remained untouched (as it were).

I'm going to have to talk to s14 about his responses to his dad. Both boys have been VERY reluctant to tell him their feelings. I try as much as I can to validate their feelings, tell them it's ok, tell them he'll still love them but, in all these months they are are just unable to express themeselves. I think S14 uses ignoring H as a defence mechanism and may be tired so is starting to use me. I'll see what he says and maybe let H know they are not comfortable spending anything more than a few hours with him at the moment??? I know they should tell him but how do I force them when they're, quite obviously, scared??

[Wonka]

WR,

I know they should tell him but how do I force them when they're, quite obviously, scared??

You can't 'force' them to tell H how they truly feel. What you can do is to continue to be the safe haven to the boys so they feel safe with you emotionally and can confide their worries/concerns to you. One other thing you might want to consider is setting up family therapy for everyone involved so, in this way, the therapist can facilitate the opening up process in addition to shielding the boys and you from H's wrath as a neutral party.

What do you think?

If H isn't open to the idea of family therapy, then you might want to consider putting that in writing as a part of settlement/Court order.

[Whiterose]

I think it's a great idea but I'm worried he'll think it's a ploy to get him into counselling. Before I was here I begged him to go, even s14 (I saw this on his phone days later) asked H to go to counselling with me......he's maintained there's nothing wrong with him, I've explained it has nothing to do with being right or wrong, but, he doesn't see it like that........his family also has the same pov when it comes to counselling......anyway, I will talk to the boys at dinner. They're both home, see what they say, relay info to H, see what he has to say and then maybe in a few days say I'm looking into family counselling would he like to join us????

[ericmsant2]

he'll think it's a ploy to get him into counselling

He may and then again he may not. As long as you know it is for the boys - it really does not matter what he thinks. YOU cannot control/change what he may or may not think anyway. So do what is right for the kids.

Enjoy your dinner and I hope you can at least get the boys to go see someone.

[Wonka]

WR,

You can go to family counseling with just you and the boys. You can communicate this to H and leave it up to him to decide to join or not. Maybe some day down the road your H's curiosity will be piqued and he'll eventually join you guys. Who knows?

[Whiterose]

I talked with the boys last night. S14 wouldn't say much about his responses other than trying to justify them so I kinda just let the conversation slide.

They wouldn't mind trying one night a month for now and see how it goes. S14 said "yeah, that's ok" and s19's concern was getting to and from work. Where his dad lived.

Haven't responded to H yet about what the boys said but early this morning I got a text asking what S14's plans were tomorrow. I asked if it was for dinner (ever valentines I make a special dinner with dessert) and H "whenever" I said we have dinner plans, as I've already worked out the mr I with them, but depending on S14's project maybe in the day. I asked if he would like to help with it. He asked when it was due and what it was. I said hockey cards with info on the Russian revolution (supposed to be the French Revolution but I've since learned at parent teacher s14 was not doing the work on anything French Revolution I think because H is French). H asked if S14 had hockey cards, I said no he would need to make them, and he said "wow that [censored]" I said "I agree". That's the last I've heard from him. He did also message S19 but all e had was tonight and husband said "sh1t. How's studying going?"


Do you think his sudden interest in the boys sleeping over and seeing them this weekend is due to ventines day?? Last year was very tense as H and I were struggling (I with my desire to be out and H withdrawn more than ever). I knew he just wasn't as invested in our marriage as before. I now see it was full blown MLC

[job]

WR,
I'm going to be honest and just say that no one knows why the MLCers do the things that they do on any given day. But, his sudden interest in the boys could possibly be because of legal issues and maybe he's lonely and actually wants to stay in touch w/them. I don't see where Valentine's Day would have anything to do w/him wanting to be w/them.

Now, if his nutty buddy behavior was towards you, that could very well be a different story.

I would suggest that you not think too long or hard about why he's doing this sudden "Disney dad" routine...but I do home he'll work your S14 on his project.

If you sit quietly, some of the answers just might fall into your lap.

[Whiterose]

well, I guess, Job, he's nutty over Valentines day, or something, because I got quite a rude response to my text......Please tell me if I said something bad here.....

Hi H
I talked to the boys last night and they've agreed to start with one night a month and see how it goes from there. You can arrange a night, that works for the three of you, with them.
I made a mistake when I said B's (our nephew) birthday was this weekend - it's next weekend. S14 is spending Saturday with C (my girlfriend) and she's bringing him home after dinner. He does have his project to work on and we are doing dinner together tomorrow night
WR

This was his response

That's fine. I will speak to them also....you cannot control or tell them when they can or cannot see me.....

Did I say something badly here? I told him I would talk to them, which I have, and he's angry at me.