work is good; H is crazy

[Whiterose]

well, I guess, he'll have to live miserable and broke because my kids need to be cared for and last time I checked I wasn't alone in that bed when they were conceived

[ericmsant2]

I guess the million dollar question is, when does the MLCer realize this??

IMO, it is 2 questions...

1) does the MLCer EVERY realize

and 2) if they do, when is that.

The answer is the same - no one really knows. Either way, keeping do what you need to do for you and the kids. He may wake up, he may not. As long as you are doing it as respectful as you can - that is all you can ask of yourself.

Sorry you find yourself in this sitch.

[Whiterose]

Thank you ericsant2!

I fall just as much as anyone else and say/do things that, in hindsight, were not the brightest moves.....but, I'm trying. My main motivation throughout this all IS my boys so I hope when this all clears in the wash this is what stands out.

I would agree that no one knows when an MLCer will wake up BUT I have doubts that they don't realize it at some point. I'm beginning, through stories I've read/heard, that they all realize it (some even on their death bed) but whether they ADMIT that they realize it is another question.

In other news I talked to my L yesterday....it would seem that my support agreement is only enforceable through the courts and not the through a government agency which would garnish his wages. Because it is not an actual written order that has been filed, but the court transcripts that were signed by the L's and the judge, I would have to take H to court if he decides not to pay. I had a bit of a melt down on my L yesterday....she said that the money will be owed to me at which I told her my kids need food now and not down the road. I told her I didn't want to keep hearing about H's visa problems (she asked if that was his response to me via text and I said he never responded to me but that is what keeps coming up in his L's letters to us) I said I also pay family debt including the property tax that was just due, the hot water tank I just had to replace and now a mortgage payment that and it would seem that I am also solely responsible for ensuring the lights stay on, the boys have food and clothes too. She said his L needs to stop using the visa payments as a reason for not giving me my support as child support comes "way, way, way before visa" That it becomes very difficult when "these guys are just jerks" So until we can agree upon the "wording" of the agreement I cannot garnish his wages. She asked me to send H a follow up email and BCC her in it, which I did, and as H's L is on vacation until Feb 22nd she called and talked to a senior attorney who followed up with my L saying he had left a message for H in regards to the support payment due to me ..... so I'm in a holding pattern

[ericmsant2]

Whiterose

My main motivation throughout this all IS my boys so I hope when this all clears in the wash this is what stands out.

In my experience it will. Doesn’t always feel like it…but as someone once said to me…”trust the process”. Your boys will be impacted on some level, you really cannot get divorced with no impact. YOUR boys though have YOU. You can show them how to deal with it, show them what it means to be strong, show them what compassion really looks like and (my fav) show them what TRUE forgiveness looks like.

BUT I have doubts that they don't realize it at some point. I'm beginning, through stories I've read/heard, that they all realize it (some even on their death bed) but whether they ADMIT that they realize it is another question.

I would agree with this ^^^^. I believe that most will come to realize it on some level, but I have to imagine the pain is to great to deal with – so they bury it.


Sorry to hear about the payment. I really despise the entire divorce process. The only ones that get paid are the attnys. Do you have any other means to pay the mortgage? Since the agreement has not been signed then can you assume any debt that becomes H’s responsibility? At the end of the day, the boys need a roof over their head – so ya gotta do what ya gotta do.

Try not to spend any energy being pissed at H (very tough I know)…take that energy and apply it towards finding a solution to get the mtg paid.

Peace,
Eric

[Whiterose]

Thank you Eric.....I'm working on not being angry at him.....it's very hard.

HELP

Got a note back from my L, H's L sent it to her, saying I would get payment on Friday. Look, I get a valentines gift. Lol. What a crap load of money when all he had to do was tell me when I messaged him last week that he would pay Friday.

Anyway, I sent an email,cc'd my L, that I need online access to the joint account. No response. This am I messaged him

Hi H can you please send me the joint acct login info?

H: do you not have access to this account? I don't want to lose access to this account until the house and mortgage are dealt with I have already gave you all he info for iTunes and you changed everything so I cannot access any of the music I purchased which the majority of it I did

Me: I do not have access to the account. Please forward me the login info to the joint account

H: I'm sorry WR I'm not giving you my ow in the joint account to have you change everything on me

Me: I can understand your reluctance, h, but I'm legally entitled to online access to that account. I will need to go through L, which will cost more money, to get me the access I'm asking for via text.....to save money please forward me the access. I will not change the pass word until it's settled

H: and please do not quote what I owe on a court order again. (I think he's referring to my email from last Friday where i state it's a court ordered payment) you are the one who has done a play on words and stopped everything all of this would have been dealt with if you followed the court order (I'm not sure what he's reffering to here......maybe he thinks the judge gave me a time frame to get him his money??). .....then. I got
We also need to sort out a schedule with the kids. I know they are both over 12 and decide where they want to live but that's not what I'm asking about. I want to be able to have them on weekends......then I got
I would also prefer not have lawyers involved neither one of us can afford it...then I got
Can I ask why you need the Info?

Me: I would like to be able to access other account on line now. I will talk to the boys about their thoughts on a schedule

H: I did speak with S14 and he says you have him pretty busy so it's hard to meet up.....then I got
Just two weeks later not behind (no idea....is he talking about me getting the payment??)

I talked to s19 and he said he's busy working and happy seeing H for a few hours at a time like it is now. I'm guessing that since s14 lied, I do not keep him busy to the point where he couldn't spend time with H, he's not interested in seeing his dad.......through me under the bus. Lol. How do I respond to the kids. Do I ignore the comments about me delaying?? I still don't have the login info.....

[ericmsant2]

How do I respond to the kids. Do I ignore the comments about me delaying??

Separate the two issues - account access and kids.

First up, I would layout a schedule for him with the kids. Talk to the kids. One of them is 19 so really that R is between him and the 19 yo. As for the younger child, create a set schedule. Does the younger child have a cell phone? If so, I would respond to your H with..."here is the schedule for the kids. I will share this with them so that they are aware of the dates that they are scheduled to with you. Please contact them on their cells to confirm if you are going to pick them up on your scheduled days.

I would not ask again for the online access or at a min. request that again in a separate text/email.

You do not want it to look like you are holding the kids hostage until you get the online access.

Glad to hear that you will receive the money you need on Friday.

Peace,
Eric

[Whiterose]

I've asked for the info again
Hi. Do you know when you'll be able to send me the login info?"

I also said I didn't understand the last message about the two weeks.

Haven't discussed the boys. S19 does not want to spend the weekend with H and is happy with the set up as is. I need to talk to S14 if he did tell his dad I keep him so busy and of he did why. I will then send a message to h relaying the info

[Whiterose]

this is kinda how it all went down last night after I asked for the login info again

H: Hi WR I'm very reluctant to send you this info I'm very concerned you will changed the login info and until everything is settled and we no longer need a joint acct I would like to have access

Me: I understand but will not change it until then

H: I'm pretty sure you said the same about the iTunes acct and I lost all of that (I never did say I wouldn't change it and I'l always had access....my cc had been on the acct for about 3 months by the time I changed it.....he had all his music on his iPod so did not lose anything)

Me: Please, I won't change the login, but, am entitled to access and as I don't get paper statements any longer i need to go through online now

H: I'm not denying you access you can always go to the bank. How do I know you won't change your mind like you have done on the last couple of things I thought were agreed upon only to get a letter a few weeks later (I really don't understand what he's referring to here......I'm not sure what he thought we had agreed upon that I've changed my mind on....my L has not sent my retort to his L's letter yet)

Me: I've promised you I won't. You have it here in writing if I were to. If you won't send it to me I'll go through our L, which I don't want to do as it's unnecessary and expensive, but, I'm entitled to access and would like the login info please

Then he starts a what do you need? (Login & pw) You created the pw (he's meaning me but I created it years and years ago and have not used it) and I realize he's enjoying it so I start going on line to try pw and just as I try the third one (three times wrong it locks you out of the system) he sends me the pw. By now I've tried it three times and we're both locked out. I thanked him for the pw and told him we're locked out now as I tried the name and he said "Oh I may have made it xyz" I said I did not know that and that I would call the bank today to let them know it was just me trying to access the acct. He then asks me to give him the pw if I change it (this is obviously a bother to him) at which I say I have no intention of changing the pw unless the bank makes me and I would let him know. I don't understand why he cares if I have it? Why does he need it is the bigger question (I mean his name is on the acct and he has a right to it) but other than depositing my child support into the acct I pay the mortgage off of the acct and nothing else happens there)......

He then asked if I had talked to S14....which electronics he was not grounded from as he told his dad he can no longer check his email.

I let H know that the boys were out (they were) and I had not had a chance to really discuss it with them.....my problem is this is the second lie S14 has told his dad. The first one was that I keep him busy on weekends and cannot visit his dad and the second is that he cannot check his email. YES he's grounded from his computer and iPad (he skipped choir, a full credit extra curricular, after I told him he had to see the class through until the end of the year and now he's been kicked out so no computer/ipad until the school year ends....H never asked WHY I did what I did) but he can check his email on his phone, which he still has. I did tell H that S14 has his phone but as he's never been big on it the best way to get ahold of him may be through the home phone. No response.

Any thoughts??

[job]

The issue w/the password is one that has stuck in his craw because of the iTunes issue. He feels that he was entitled to use your account, etc. and he didn't want to set his own up.

As for the bank password, etc., this is a joint account and one that you pay the mortgage from. Yes, you need the info to monitor the account. You have assured him that you will share any changes and that should be good enough...but wait! Right now, he's got control and is making you "beg" for the info. He thinks he's got a bargaining chip that he can use.

You might want to check with your bank...even if you are doing electronic banking from this account, you could also request a hard copy of the statement each month. Don't allow this man to jerk you around...there are many ways to get what you need in today's society.

As for your sons...you will need to sit down w/S14 and have a good talk w/him about the lies. This isn't good and if he doesn't want anything to do w/his father, then he needs to tell him. The lying is only going to escalate and his father is going to continue hammering you about the issues.

Good luck!

[LoisB]

Call the bank. I've had to do this several times. I think they know me by now!