So absolutely no fallout from yesterdays dart. We're getting along as well as ever, talking about our day and home stuff, smiling, laughing. Very comfortable, zero tension.
At first, I thought the Sex Starved Marriage book was not appropriate for me/us, because W may still be in crises. I figured she needed to work through that before I could put any moves on her. But we get along very well, and she seems quite "Non-depressed" most of the time, so I have reconsidered.
On the SSM forum here, there is a stickied thread titled "The four stages of sex starved marriage recovery".
Stage 1: Heal Yourself. (Check) Stage 2: Learn to meet your spouses needs. (Check) Stage 3: Get your spouse on board. (present project) Stage 4: Make like bunnies. (ok, I might have made that one up)
So I've decided to move forward with Michele's SSM advice. I have read the entire book, and re-read chapter 8, "Can we talk?" several times.
Originally Posted By: SSM book, chapter 8
Is now a good time?
Start off on a good note.
Be specific.
Talk about what you want rather than criticize
Use I messages
If things get heated, take time out
Feelings/perspectives aren't right or wrong.
Don't mind read
Leave the past in the past.
No exaggeration.
No name calling!!! (duh)
Don't get discouraged if your partner doesn't follow your lead right away.
If she's not deaf, she's heard you!
Agree to disagree.
I'm in no hurry, but I can't remain stagnant either. I'll keep my eye's open for favorable opportunities to dart/discuss, all the while continuing to be the H only a fool would leave. As long as I'm doing this, I think I can hold on for a while. Especially if I'm seeing progress.
Thanks everyone!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Let's back up the car a bit. Before you drive into the SSM stuff and launch it on your W, look at what happened during the exchange below:
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
M- No, but I have something to do with you... for a while, anyways.
W- (with a pause and a surprised but lighthearted tone) Ohhhhhhhh... For a while, huh? M- (without skipping a beat) Just keeping it real, just keeping it real.
As she walked by me I playfully grabbed her wrist and she tried to pull away, all the while smiling at me and looking into my eyes.
This is a very positive forward movement. As MWD, go for the cheese (not the big one yet) to get more of it. She did not flinch or shirk away from you when you grabbed her waist. That's a biggie right there.
Why don't you try and build up on this positive interaction with more touches? You just can't shift gears from 1 to 4 all in one fell swoop, right? Heck, you've just moved from 1 to 2 with that playful grab. You've stuck with gear 1 for a long time and now need to REALIZE and recognize that you've shifted to gear 2.
Haha, no fast cars for this driver, Wonka. I've stated I'm not in a hurry here. Just need to keep seeing movement.
The thing about touches is I want to be careful that it doesn't look NEEDY. I don't "need" to touch her. So if I do touch, it has to be natural. I'm still working on this. Hay, it's been a while... No fast touching!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Things are still going well over here. W is still here, continues to be friendly and open with me, and seems to be slowly working on herself. Her depressed periods seem to be shorter and shorter. I continue to give her my best, while also giving her space as required. I know some like to talk about letting them see what “life without us” would be like, but since there is no OM in our sitch, I see me not meeting her needs as a good way for her to seek an OM who would. No thanks!
This doesn’t mean “life without me” will never be an option, just that it certainly is not today.
I’m enjoying my life, doing anything and everything I want. Saying what I want more often too. It's been ages since I've stepped on an eggshell. Even so, I do still sometimes tire of this SSM (sex starved marriage) thing. I expect to have “The Talk” with W stating this reality at some point if she refuses to warm up.
I’ve been putting a lot of thought into the details and timing of this talk. I’m following Michele's guidelines and advice laid out in her book, SSM. Also, one of the true angels of this board spent some of her time helping me think this through via PM’s on the alt. Thank you UR, oops, I mean angel!
Things are such that I’m in no hurry. My life is comfortable enough, and I know W is still dealing with her issues and is not ready for a sexual relationship. Not with me or anyone else. Even so, eventually something has to give...
Last night W and I had a bit of a tif where I was able to validate her, stand up for myself, and work on improving the dynamics between us when conflicts arise. I'm very pleased with how things went.
I still believe that if I can wait this out we will not only be good again, but be better than before. I hope the ants in my pants don't prevent me from reaching this goal!
Damn the person who invented MLC, and bless the person who invented the patience shovel.
Bust On, you all!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Stay the course, my dear friend, and your W will come around to the sexual part. Remember my post about me feeling a bit numb while in MLC? That is the hard part sometimes....just gotta get through it to the other side.
Money wise I'm doing quite fine over here, so ain't no way I'm blamin' anyone for any economy.
And since I'm a veggie, the price of pork matters none to me. Could be a hundred $ a pound for all I care. Then again, if it's pork you have a hankering for I may be able to work something out...
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
