But that's it. Because at the core, if you have come this far, and you have, you are strong and you are worth it. And it's not about you. Sorry. That's the last last hurdle. You can say "Oh I know" all you want, but I think it takes awhile to believe it every day, every minute every second. We are all so human, you know?
Thank you everyone for chiming in over the course of the last week or so. It felt a lot like BD, or the second time she moved out.....but I'm moving through it faster. Kind of have moments throughout the day where I get too deep in my head and have a quick panic attack but they pass. I realize many of you have dealt with OM/OW from day one or not long thereafter. Mine has appeared 2.5 years later. I can find a way to deal.
I just wanted to say that I can relate to a lot of what you're going through. The things you've mentioned hit home pretty hard with me. The one thing I have experience with is om. Since the first time my ex left she's dated(or had sex with) close to 10 guys in 2 years. And that's with a 7 month reconciliation mixed in. All I can say is, if your xw is truly messed up, these relationships don't last. In my case my ex didnt take responsibility in any of her failed r's. broken people have broken r's.
I can totally relate to feeling like you're are just done. Nothing wrong with that man. I wrestle with the same thing as you. Needing space and havin that come across as punitive. I send my ex pics(of s3) too but I'm trying not to care what she thinks when I don't do the same nice things I used to. It's about us now. If we need time and space to figure stuff out, we deserve it. I want to tell my ex the same thing, that I just want to disappear from her life for a while.
You seem like you know what you're doing. Good job man.
Me-35 Com law-28 S-3 T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu 1st bu- 2/2012 Rec-4/2013 2nd bu-10/2013 IC-2 yrs(anger issues) MC- 5 mnths-fail OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14 New OM ~10/4/14
I know she's not cheating on me and she is well within her rights to do whatever she wants. I have no say or control at all.
I think something has got to be wrong with me. I should be able to not care by now.
Look Crimson it takes 2 to destroy a marriage, the thing is that what is done its done and you can use it on your own benefit, however dont be hard on yourself, a person who has an A to justify always will acusse you of it, you are "the reason" why they had an A . That its not always true, they choose something different and thats it, now its for them to face the consequences, when we start a R we always say to our new partner the same...if you cheat on me I am out, then sometimes they have an A and we dont respect our boundarie, thats when things start to get messy, and all the resentment takes place.
You are doing fine and you have to keep showing yourself that while another person involved there is no chance of having you around, once the OM its not around then and only then, small talks might take place, I know that it sounds like giving up but not, its respecting your boundary, at this point its important for her to realize that she can not talk to you because its your choice and its absolutelly as valid as her affair, however this time should be used for you to work on yourself and work on the things you dont like about you, nothing else.
Your kid its always gonna be your kid, you can talk to him and he will understand that at this point you cant talk to mom as before, its a situation that you have to detach from untill you are able to see things in a different way.
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
I know that's not what you said, GM.....nor was it implied. It's how I actually feel. Like something is really, really, broken inside of me that I can't seem to drop all of this. Maybe it's the fact that we have a child, maybe it's the fact that we really poured our hearts into starting a family, maybe it's the fact that I was so blind-sided by D....I really don't know. I really thought I was doing better, but when I found out about the other guy....and S mentioned him to me, it just made it worse and took me back about a million paces.
I know my alimony payments end at the end of May - a big hit to her income. She moves to a new town home May 1. I am just waiting for her to tell me that she is moving in with him....I just feel it in my bones that that is about to happen.
Thank you, YE, and thank you for all of your other posts. I wouldn't classify it as an affair...it really isn't. Just as GM said, she has moved on to someone else - and she is well within her rights to do so.
The funny thing is, I have worked on myself a lot - I mean a WHOLE lot. In terms of trying to be a better man, a better partner for someone (and yes, I had wished it was her), and a better father. In my heart of hearts it was my most sincere wish that at some point she would notice (the dream of every LBS) and think about seeing things differently. Well, she didn't. And either she is filled with resentment from our past still or truly believes that I am still the same Crimson she left behind. She looks at me and thinks that there are better alternatives out there to me, to our family, and to having our S in her life full-time. After the sincere efforts to change, and I am GLAD I have, I think it just stings that they are either unnoticed by her or unappreciated. Either way, the totality of who I am and who I can be is insufficient for her. That's what get to me.
To clarify, I made my changes for ME. I knew from the people here that if I did them with the sole intent of getting her to notice they would not last. At all. And that is a very true statement. So it was never a sham or tactic....I needed to change. And I needed to accept her criticisms of me in order to do that. I am glad that I am a different person now, and I can see it at times in how I handle certain situations in my life. I think I look at all of that paired with the other "good" I think I have in me and I am let down because she can walk away from it all.
Thank you, YE, and thank you for all of your other posts. I wouldn't classify it as an affair...it really isn't. Just as GM said, she has moved on to someone else - and she is well within her rights to do so. Of course it's not an affair. She is dating OM. You're divorced people who briefly tried to reconcile, but without any change on her end, it failed. I don't know a thing about her "moving forward" as if she's grown, but she is trying to move on... btw, I do NOT believe it takes two people to divorce. Usually, yes. But On occasion, a marriage can fail b/c one person checks out. OTOH, IT always takes two people to make a marriage work well, however....always.
Thing is, I don't care about HER growth b/c she's not here working on herself. YOU ARE...her growth or lack thereof are simply NOT indices of anything about you. For emphasis, I'll repeat that. HER growth or lack thereof, are no indication of anything, about YOU.
Your growth is all about- and only about-- YOU....
The funny thing is, I have worked on myself a lot - I mean a WHOLE lot. In terms of trying to be a better man, a better partner for someone (and yes, I had wished it was her), and a better father. We know this^^^ and we also know YOU DID GREAT WORK!!
I commented about your first appearances here, not to criticize but to highlight the growth and how hard it was to do, but you did it anyhow!
Crimson, you are a better man for all this. That may have to be enough for you.
In my heart of hearts it was my most sincere wish that at some point she would notice (the dream of every LBS) and think about seeing things differently. Well, she didn't.
^^^ I know it was what you wished for...and I'm sorry it has not happened yet but she's not ready yet. And...you are
1) mind reading all over the place here, big time; and 2) she may not have admitted that she sees the changes, (we KNOW she has seen them) but she chooses to believe they are not real, or lasting, PERHAPS. The only solution for that is time. Time will reveal the truth about you.
I think it's harder for her to let go of resentments & that's not a great trait to admit having. Honest reflection about HER choices, is also way too hard for her at this time. So she'll have to convince herself of your flaws. And then continue to do so....and In the face of goodness at your end, that task will become increasingly difficult.
IF the OM is half self aware and a basically decent guy, which I'll assume for the sake of this discussion, then he will notice the contrast between her description of you, and the real you.
When he sees that you lack the fangs of satan or whomever she makes you out to be, he'll see HER differently...
And either she is filled with resentment from our past still or truly believes that I am still the same Crimson she left behind. Again, the "answer" to this is that the only piece you control is YOU and in time, your behavior will contrast too much with her claims. Her data is not real. That will be obvious soon enough. Stop worrying that she won't see it.
That's like worrying that she won't know or see that the sun is yellow. That's HER perspective, and frankly, it's a weird one.
Doesn't mean the sun is actually purple. You can only let the sun shine every day and have those around her calling it a bright "YELLOW sun", hoping she gets the hint. If she still calls it a "purple sun", what will you do then?
She looks at me and thinks that there are better alternatives out there to me, to our family, and to having our S in her life full-time. After the sincere efforts to change, and I am GLAD I have, I think it just stings that they are either unnoticed by her or unappreciated. Either way, the totality of who I am and who I can be is insufficient for her. That's what get to me. That is what is getting to you but it's a LIE. She has said or intimated it so much you came to believe it.
The reality may be that she simply checked out and doesn't want to look back.
Your changes are a form of pressure to her, to look back, to forgive and let go of her grievances...to her, perhaps (and I"m mind reading here too, so forgive me -but I want to present an alternative to your worst case scenario)
She cannot imagine having to "work" on a r, b/c she senses that it will ALWAYS mean forgiving. There are still people INSIDE marriages who fail to realize that in every long term marriage, and I mean EVERY SINGLE ONE, both partners have had to forgive the other one for hurting them. Some more than others, but no one is married to a perfect saint. No one. Forgiveness is mandatory to staying married unless you choose to stay married and be miserable. Sadly that is a choice some couples do make...to me it's clear that as of now-- HER inability to forgive you for your familial "complacency" , or at worst "some selfishness" is THE problem TODAY...not you.
To clarify, I made my changes for ME. I knew from the people here that if I did them with the sole intent of getting her to notice they would not last. At all. And that is a very true statement. So it was never a sham or tactic....I needed to change. And I needed to accept her criticisms of me in order to do that. ^^^ Fair enough. You took her "Data" about you and you examined it. You chose to make some genuine changes in your life. That's all good. If it is truly too late for you two (and I'm not saying it is) then I guess I'd have to say, SO BE IT...HER LOSS and I'd mean it.
B/c a father who changes, (and had never committed "marital outrages"), but who becomes a great dad to their child & a good h for her, is a man whom smart healthy women, don't leave. How is it that YOU are the "loser" in this scenario? Seems to me that if we are going to measure, (which I detest doing, but will do for a moment), YOU'RE not the one who is "losing" the most. SHE IS!
I am glad that I am a different person now, and I can see it at times in how I handle certain situations in my life. I think I look at all of that paired with the other "good" I think I have in me and I am let down because she can walk away from it all.
Crimson
She cannot know you are the best alternative out there, if she has not explored any of those alternatives.
Let her explore and discover. If she is truly happier with a different sort of man, then it's better to learn that now. Why? B/C otherwise you'll never feel safe or loved if she is continually unsatisfied.
You deserve to be loved for the loving man you are. And someday, you will be.
The 2 couples in my family who divorced and reconciled, btw, took nearly 5 (five) years to re-marry...so, uh, just saying...it ain't over til it's over.
I think her seeing you in your new improved manner with some OW will go a long way to convince her that you were not changing "for her" but for YOU. That was why I had urged you to date earlier (but you were not ready and that's fine. I'm glad you saw that).
But the benefits that your growth yields to other women in your life, and in your son's, are the price SHE pays for not giving it another chance.
The holding onto grievances only to let them grow until they explode is, to me, a form of passive aggression. She seems to do it a lot. IT's certainly unhealthy. I'd FAR prefer someone tell me if I do something "annoying" and then I can correct it... rather than having them seething silently and "analyzing" me and my flaws until what had been an annoyance, has now morphed into a HUGE character FLAW that is totally Unacceptable to them...and by then, way too much for me to overcome. is that really all MY fault, or would the other person who seethed and refused to say a thing until they rotted inside, bear some responsibility? And that's just looking at MY faults, none of their own.
That's a recipe for failure and it WILL HAPPEN TO HER AGAIN if she does not change. How can it not? So don't worry about fair/unfair. Your future r's will be improved...hers? Not so much...
She can remain as she is and then....then what? If she does not marry a mind reader, She will have another unhappy R, or a failed one, or a lousy m, or another divorce and maybe she still won't notice that SHE is the common denominator. All you can do then is be glad you moved on, and found a woman who "gets" you.
I would not be shocked if someday she becomes available again (b/c the new R won't work unless she grows fast)
but you'll be in a good r with some OW, and your x will see that indeed YOU ARE A GREAT CATCH, the changes were real,
and you happen to be her son's favorite person in the whole world...oh man,
I would not want to be her that day. But I do believe it will take you dating someone else, for her to awaken to your real value.
I'm sorry to say that but it seems to be some human behavior we do...we don't know what we have until someone else wants it, or until we think we have lost it...The day your son meets YOUR new flame will be a hard HARD day for your ex.
Your w is Not your problem...
So, how are those GAL activities??? How about joining a club/organization/team or signing up for a class/seminar/conference/workshop/volunteering....
and starting that THIS MONTH?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
This below, was supposed to be highlighted (STILL wish we could edit!!)
^^^ I know it was what you wished for...and I'm sorry it has not happened yet but she's not ready yet. And...you are
1) mind reading all over the place here, big time; and 2) she may not have admitted that she sees the changes, (we KNOW she has seen them) but she chooses to believe they are not real, or lasting, PERHAPS. The only solution for that is time. Time will reveal the truth about you.
I think it's harder for her to let go of resentments & that's not a great trait to admit having. Honest reflection about HER choices, is also way too hard for her at this time. So she'll have to convince herself of your flaws. And then continue to do so....and In the face of goodness at your end, that task will become increasingly difficult.
IF the OM is half self aware and a basically decent guy, which I'll assume for the sake of this discussion, then he will notice the contrast between her description of you, and the real you.
When he sees that you lack the fangs of satan or whomever she makes you out to be, he'll see HER differently...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
"I think it's harder for her to let go of resentments & that's not a great trait to admit having. Honest reflection about HER choices, is also way too hard for her at this time. So she'll have to convince herself of your flaws. And then continue to do so....and In the face of goodness at your end, that task will become increasingly difficult."
I've got to run, 25 - but honestly -- what does "goodness" look like on my end?? I don't know. Am I still supposed to send her pictures and updates of S when I have him? I know she likes them, but I just don't want to do it anymore...at least not for now. She will take it as retaliation and an affirmation of her negative opinions.
I've gotta go...more later on your post, which was wonderful. But really, help me answer that one.
