Anything fun or happy in your life Crimson? Let's hear about it!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
When last I posted I think XW was going to see my IC at her own request because of issues that S was having with transitions and pre-school. As you may recall, he really, really, really has a hard time going back to her house and at the moment he very strongly prefers being with me. He cries when I drop him off and I recently learned from XW that he also cries when she comes to pick him up.
I watched S while she was at the appointment since it was he custody day. Sure enough, when I dropped him off at her place he cried and did not want to leave me. As always it was hard. When I got back home the phone rang and it was S — he wanted to talk to me and sounded so sad….he was talking very softly and through tears. It broke my heart that I couldn’t be there to comfort him.
Several days passed and not a word was spoken between XW and I about her appointment. All I knew was that it went for about an hour and a half - which is pretty long for my IC. Eventually I reached out to my IC to ask if things went OK. She is incredibly discreet and did not share details but said she felt that it went well. I think that it was very helpful to have XW get a view of me from someone else that is neutral. IC said that she was instantly interested in knowing about 1.) what she (my IC) saw in me as my bad traits and 2.) what I have done to work on them. IC stressed that to me quite a bit. Also, much to my surprise, my IC said that she strongly believe that there is some level of affection and fondness buried somewhere in XW for me. Apparently, XW was not the emotional stoic that I frequently see - and cried a lot during the session. IC said that it felt very much like she is conflicted internally. Allow me to clarify.
My IC took out a piece of paper and drew a rectangle with thicker rectangles around it - she said that the inner most rectangle was XW and that she had built a lot of pretty thick walls around herself (the other rectangles). Anything that I say or do just bounces right off of those walls and does not reach her. If it’s positive, it’s phony in her mind - if it’s negative, it comports with how she views me now. It’s a defensive mechanism and probably exists to protect herself.
The interesting thing that everyone here will clue in on is that what my IC recommended was pretty much “back-to-square-one” DB’ing. She told me to just be understanding, affirm/validate her feelings, and be respectful of her self-worth — because it is mostly likely in crisis as well. I found her advice to be interesting because as I found myself getting more distant, I also found myself becoming less dedicated to basic DB stuff. It was good to hear from someone that does not know “the books” that I needed to get back to that place again in terms of dealing with XW.
My IC also picked up on something that has been hit upon FREQUENTLY by the vets and others here. She (my IC) has noticed of the span of time that we have been working together that I really HAVE made significant changes and I have done the crappy, crappy, crappy hard work that goes along with it. My IC flatly said that XW has not done her work yet…..and that it is obvious by how she responds to some things. She affirmed for me again that this really isn’t about me that much anymore.
Two Sundays ago we decided to sit S down and talk to him. I suggested that we go to a park and play with him together for awhile because he does really well in that environment. She declined and said she preferred to meet at the house. When she arrived with S I started walking to the family room and she said “we can just do it here” — the living room by the front door. She talked to him about mom and dad being a team, and that you don’t need to be sad because dad is always going to be there - and so on. He was pretty much a squirrel the whole time and was more interested in showing mama around to all of his stuff at my place. He kept asking her to “come here…I want to show you something” — and she didn’t want to leave the living room. She clearly is not comfortable still in our old house. She eventually went with him and he was excited to show all of her stuff. She looked at his things and kind of laughed and said “no wonder he likes it here and doesn’t want to come to my place!” — referring to all of his toys (which really isn’t THAT much). I didn’t say anything. She left not too long after that and that was the end of it.
That Tuesday she said it was the best pick-up she had had with him from preschool. He did not cry at all. I didn’t say it to her, but I strongly believe that it had a lot to do with the fact that he got to see us together, interacting with him….having fun….getting along. The way my heart wishes it was every day. I think it is good for him - but I don’t control it at all.
Not long after she left it really hit me that S hadn’t seen us together for any amount of time for the better part of 8 months. Furthermore, it hit me that for that same period of time 99% of our communication has been done through text messages and occasional e-mails. We do no communicate via phone or face-to-face. Maybe I see her 2-3 times a month when she drops him off at my place. It is hard for me to buy into the notion that she is sell that “we are a team” when we really don’t communicate. I don’t think we can raise a child through text messaging — but she feels we can’t talk about things without a 3rd party (her words not mine). That really baffled me because I know I am not looking for any kind of fight at all……anyhoooo.
Every year for his bday XW does a photo session with S. She sent me the proofs today and I simply replied that I was happy for the both of them and that she looked great. She responded tha “wow - thanks! I didn’t mean to send the ones with me in them — the were just all grouped together”. Was that an accident then??
My W did that a lot - would send a picture of her new bedroom suit, and then say, "Oh, I meant to send that to my friend Mary" - as if "Jon" is anything like Mary.
Same thing with family pics - "Oh didn't mean to send the ones with me in it". LOL.
Side note, I have also been really trying to make a conscious decision to choose kind, understanding and loving words or actions. I am not pouring or throwing myself at her by any means. But if I feel that there is something that she would want to know about S - even if it is just something he said or did - I tell her about it just to share positive things. Or if I have had him for 3-4 days and I know she misses him I will send over a few pictures. It is harder than I expected to do because part of me wants to hold on to the "if this is your choice then suffer through it" mentality. But in my silent, peaceful moments I feel like I am being reminded to choose love and kindness even when it is hard and even when you don't feel you get it back from the other person. Maybe those are the moments you need to practice it most. I don't know.
Side note, I have also been really trying to make a conscious decision to choose kind, understanding and loving words or actions. I am not pouring or throwing myself at her by any means. But if I feel that there is something that she would want to know about S - even if it is just something he said or did - I tell her about it just to share positive things. Or if I have had him for 3-4 days and I know she misses him I will send over a few pictures. It is harder than I expected to do because part of me wants to hold on to the "if this is your choice then suffer through it" mentality. But in my silent, peaceful moments I feel like I am being reminded to choose love and kindness even when it is hard and even when you don't feel you get it back from the other person. Maybe those are the moments you need to practice it most. I don't know.
Crimson
You are being kind... anyway.
Good stuff.
Me-35 Com law-28 S-3 T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu 1st bu- 2/2012 Rec-4/2013 2nd bu-10/2013 IC-2 yrs(anger issues) MC- 5 mnths-fail OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14 New OM ~10/4/14
You're doing great Crimson. You are becoming your best self.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I was going to mention that the reason I believe your w wanted to talk to the T, was at least partly to see if any of your changes were real. She hoped the T would say "oh, you know, men..." or give away some clue about how you "still don't get it".
But that's not what your w heard. OTOH, Crimson, I delayed saying this b/c I don'tt want to give you false hope that she's THINKING about....recon, you, whatever.
B/c the reality is that even if your X woke up tomorrow morning and said "OMG, he IS who I need/want the rest of my life!!" SHE would still be who she was a few years back. Still blaming you for whatever ails her past/ present life. Still thinking SHE got screwed in the divorce SHE initiated...
You want that? Think first, before repeating what you've been longing for & telling yourself for a few years now. B/c longing for what you thought you once had, is a fool's hope.
You two would need NEW tools for communicating with each other b/c she still hears what she fears, Not what you say or mean.
I would not even attempt piecing without Retrovaille or Imago or something....b/c without a new plan of action it would be pointless.
Sure, I'd love you to meet OW who lights your fire and "gets" you and your son. Whom your son comes to see first as a nice friend, then as a loving source of additional affirmation for him, and then, as a woman who loves him AND loves his dad and makes him happy.
My original hope was that your x would awaken to your unique gifts and would want to improve herself to become her best self and la dee dah...
I'm just thinking that it's less & less likely to happen, so it's not likely that she'll assume any responsibility for her life...as she has thus far made so little progress.
Crimson, maybe you ought to move forward without so much longing for what might have been.
You sound a tad stuck is what I'm really saying.
What do you think?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
