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#2425538 01/24/14 05:04 PM
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Hello all,

My husband told me yesterday that he wants a divorce, I'm a mess. I have been married 16 years and have three children. He first told me he thought we should live separately in September, but did not mention it after that until I brought it up again in December and he said that we had nothing in common. I actually thought things were getting better, until yesterday.

My husband travels most days for his job. Some background, he got a promotion in another city which would require us to move. We have an older child in high school and we agreed to stay in our current city for a year and then our child could stay her last year of high school with a friend, and the rest of us would move to the new city. This was hard on my H and he withdrew from me (it has been a year now) he says he is struggling with everything. I so wish I could go back in time and change my actions to his struggle. I also wish that i could change so many things that has led up to today in our marriage.

I did not handle the news yesterday very well, he is out of town and told me over the phone. He has already consulted a lawyer. After he told me I had to pick up younger kids and run around town for a bit. I tried to keep it together for the kids but did cry a little in front of them, I told them I read something sad. My H called to talk to kids but I said no, not to punish him, but because I would have really lost it to hear them ask him when he is coming home. I will never do this again, I just needed to keep myself together. He emailed me that it upset (I completely understand why!) and I feel terrible about it. I did not reply to the email, but will have the kids call H.

H wants to still leave oldest here and have the rest of us move to the new city, but divorce and live in two homes. I don't want to leave my child to go through this by herself, and they have stability here. Iim still processing but will see a lawyer because H seems pretty clear about what he wants. I'm a little worried because I found this forum a few weeks ago and he mentioned seeing the site on my iPad, not sure how investigative he was, but given these get ails he will know it is me, I hope he does not look as I need an outlet and advice.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2425970 01/27/14 03:44 AM
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Hi Mama. Welcome to the site. So sorry you are going through this too. I would definately recommend
1. Take a deep breathe
2. Don't make any big decisions yet-this is all new
3. Read DB then reread it again and again
4. Read through others' posts for insight and perspective

Hang in there and keep posting smile


M-38;H38
M15
D13 & D7
BD 3/2012


GotoGirl #2425977 01/27/14 04:59 AM
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Hi MamaB. I am sooooo sorry you are here. Many of us can empathize with what you are going through. We know how hard it is. Please know, it does get better.

Spend some time reading through some threads. There are a lot of great folks here all going through similar circumstances. Some have successfully reconciled with their spouses, some are moving forward with their own lives while their M status is uncertain; and some have lived through divorce. Most of us who have been here even a few months have grown a LOT, and we have all survived. You will too.

What were your H's complaints about the M?

Is your H having an affair? You didn't say that, but is there any chance he is?

Mama, don't make any big decisions right now. Give yourself a bit of time to recover emotionally. Take care of yourself. See a lawyer so you can find out what your rights are. But don't DO anything with respect to your M right now.

You will get a ton more advice here, I know.

If you are still on moderation, keep posting and you will be off before you know it!

Hang in there.


me: 44 XH: 42
M 11 years
D10 and S8
Bomb drop 9/27/13
D final 7/1/14
MamaB #2426015 01/27/14 01:21 PM
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It will get better but you're in for lots of ups and downs. Just to prepare you.

Quote:
H wants to still leave oldest here and have the rest of us move to the new city, but divorce and live in two homes. I don't want to leave my child to go through this by herself, and they have stability here.


You don't have to do anything right now, including worry about that.^^^ Your H is figuring out everyone's role in his fantasy. Let him just enjoy that for now.

Don't agree to anything, don't disagree. Just listen.

Read the books, start a journal, take a yoga class. Make a list of 5 goals, GAL.

One of your goals ;), make a sig with the bones of your sitch, ages, years married, kid's ages, etc. It helps us stay on track. Click on My Stuff (above) then Edit Profile.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2426054 01/27/14 04:15 PM
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Thank you all for your replays. I'm trying to breathe, my head is still spinning with all of this.

Melissa, my H says that we just have nothing in common and can't agree on anything, and he wants to give the children a better example of a healthy marriage (This last part is something I said to him months ago). Leading up to a year ago, before my H got the promotion, we both seemed to neglect the needs of each as a couple. My husband has been sleeping on the couch for years, he says that it is because he likes to watch TV to fall asleep, and I sleep with a fan on and he never liked that. Even though that was his choice, he mentioned that when he told me about the D. He really was not too specific. He says that he is not having any type of affair, however it would not surprise me.

I have not talked much with my H since Thursday, I just can't seem to get in a place to have a productive conversation, I know that I need to soon. My Mother flew in on Friday for a visit and my Father is coming next weekend, this was a planned visit because my oldest D is in a play next week. My H stayed out of town (he said to be respectful) but did stop by yesterday to get some clothes and to spend time with the kids. We arranged a way where we would not have to see each other yet.

My parents are devastated and angry. I'm actually calmer at this point and I do try to point out how lost my H must be to do this. I have asked that he not come around next weekend while my family is here, I just do not know what will happen with my family and my H. I also asked him to tell me what is a good time for the kids to call him each day during the week so that he does not have to email me to have them call him (he again says that he has been doing that to be respectful to me.) I think that those two request have made him angry.

It has only been 4 days but feels like months to me. I will get the books and a few others I have read about here.

Labug, thank you for the information on how to update my signature, I will try to figure this site out! I need to just listen to my H, I need to get past my hurt and anger and listen.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2426168 01/27/14 09:14 PM
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Welcome MamaB. I'm sorry you find yourself here, but it truly is a great place for support given your sitch.

Have you read DB/DR yet? Start there...it will help you start to process some things and give you some ideas on what you should and shouldn't be doing.

This is an extremely tough time, and while your immediate reaction is to "fix it," there's no quick fix. It's going to take a lot of time, so try to remain calm, breath, and start GAL.

What are the things your H has complained about in the past? What are the things you don't like about the role you've played in the M?


Originally Posted By: MamaB
I also wish that i could change so many things that has led up to today in our marriage.


Like what?

Originally Posted By: MamaB
My H called to talk to kids but I said no, not to punish him, but because I would have really lost it to hear them ask him when he is coming home. I will never do this again, I just needed to keep myself together.


I am glad you realize this was wrong. The last thing you want to do is get between your H's and children's relationship.

Originally Posted By: MamaB
H wants to still leave oldest here and have the rest of us move to the new city, but divorce and live in two homes.


What do you think is best for you? You need to start thinking in these terms.


M:44 W:42
M:15
S:19, D:16, S:14, D:12, S:6
BD: 2/14/11
D Final: 6/25/13
Breakdown #2426243 01/28/14 01:09 AM
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Thank you for the reply Breakdown. My H was never very specific with what I was doing wrong during the M. What I would have changed in myself was to be more physically affectionate to my H and to be more present in our relationship. I would have made sure that we took the time to nurture our relationship as husband and wife.

Also, I would have been working on GALing, for myself and ultimately being a happier person. I have been a SAHW for about 10 years. In order to grow my husband career, we had to move to different states every two or so years. I was home with kids and found it hard to have deep connection with people as you get older and you know you have to leave.

We have been in this last city longer then any other in the last 10 years, and I was sad to leave again when my H got his promotion a year ago. I was always very good at building up my H in his job, I had so much confidence in him and would always remind him of how accomplished he was when he became insecure. I should have built him him up more this last time as we'll, but I was sad and there is the issue of my oldest D.

She has had to move schools soooo many times and she is very involved in her schools drama department. Her HS school has an amazing program and this is something she can get scholarships for college. My H and I agreed for us to stay in this city for the year and move the next, leaving her to stay for her senior year. About half way through he wanted us to move because he was feeling pressure to be in new city. I really stressed to stay for the year to get my D closer to graduation. I mention this because this last year is when my H really withdrew and I became invisible to him. I tried to talk to him about it which lead to not talking to him and being distant with him as well.

I have been (unknowingly) applying 180's since September, I just felt that it was probably a drag to come home to a distant wife. But I think I was making it harder for H to push for D. Now I need to get past my hurt and anger. I need to start communicating. I have to figure out how I'm going to be in the same room with him and how to co-parent. I still seem to be in denial. Sorry so long, it was to give background.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
Breakdown #2426551 01/28/14 11:23 PM
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My H just emailed me that he would like me to work with a shared attorney or mediator to save money. He said that he can't make me but would be better for the kids. It is happening so fast. I still can't believe it. It has not even been a week. I'm hiding in the bathroom crying because I have to be ok for the kids. I hate that he wants this so fast and seems so calm and ok and I'm a mess.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2427324 01/31/14 04:15 PM
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I'll circle back when I have more time and provide some more feedback, but in the short term, there's no hurry. He may be wanting to push it, but just let him drive. When he asks you, simply say you're still thinking about it or you need some more time. It will only go as fast as you let it.

And try not to mind read. He may seem calm, but you have no idea what's going on in his head.


M:44 W:42
M:15
S:19, D:16, S:14, D:12, S:6
BD: 2/14/11
D Final: 6/25/13
MamaB #2427345 01/31/14 04:41 PM
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Hi mama B. Welcome. I am sorry to find you here. Like others have said, try to slow it down. your situation is very young. You don't need to do anything right away. Just take care of your kids. Try not to bring up the situation to your H if you can. read Sandi's rules in this forum. they help ALOT.

go out and find a way to get active. Go to the gym or just walk it off. It will help a lot.

keep posting and reading. you'll be surprised what you learn smile


me: 47, W:49
M 16.5 years
T 17 years
Three kids - D17,D14, S13
Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13
Bomb drop 11/29/13
W moved out 12/5/13
I Retained L 2/20/14
D filed 3/17/14
paul19510 #2427348 01/31/14 04:47 PM
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Hi MamaB. I am so sorry that you found yourself here. I am not sure where you are located, but do you know the requirements to obtain a D where you live (or where your H may file). I know that in my state, you cannot obtain a D until you have been separated for a year. So even if my H had pushed to move things along quickly, nothing would be official for a year. I would tell your H that you need some time to think. In the meantime, I would reach out to an L for a consultation just to see what your options are. It will give you some piece of mind moving forward if you know what you are facing and what to look out for.

Keep posting. You will find a lot of great advice on these boards.

paul19510 #2427364 01/31/14 05:24 PM
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Hi mamab
all good advice.. from the others plus remember
the only one who controls you is you..
The strange thing is that all the WAS say the same things, act almost the same way, make the LBS feel the same way and you are not going crazy and it is horrible and you may think it won't get better but you do get stronger..

also takes 2 to spoil a M. I spent a couple of months blaming me and apologising..then when I finally said Hey this was not just me, I am not so bad.. I felt stronger and when I actually said the same to him he was stunned..

The 37 points are so so so true they make you apppear and feel positive and in control...they are counterintuitive but they work...
There are good people here they offer excellent advice that leaves your self concept and image in goood shape..
I think we all want that at the end of the day..


M 10 T 14

BD 10/13
I really don't get it..
loualea #2427640 02/02/14 01:48 AM
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Thank you all for your replays. It means so much to read them! I will apologize in advance because I'm having trouble with quoting others posts on my IPad.

Threeboyzmom I met with a lawyer last week and I walked out even more scared for the future. My state is not very progressive when it comes to spousal support, as well as the amount of child support. Even though I do meet most of the criteria for spousal support, the attorney pretty much said not to count on it, or just a small amount. I'm coming from a low level of my hierarchy of needs. I'm worried the basic needs of my children and myself.

@breakdown. I'm absolutely mind reading, I need to stop. I find that I'm trying to fill in the blanks for why this is happening.

My H has been away and he will come home for a few days on Wednesday. We have not talked on the phone since he told me he wanted a D last Thursday. We have emailed, and we did write briefly about how we each saw our relationship. I did tell him my view, but I know it really does not matter to him right now. I have read the 37 rules and will apply them. Right now I really don't want to talk to or see him at all. I need to detach, detach, detach but I just don't know how.

@loualea thank you for post, it made think.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2427806 02/03/14 05:03 AM
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The H emailed me today that he cares about me and wants me to have a life more alined to who I am.......what? He also says hat he just wants to work together and be friends raising our children.

I want to get to a place where we can be friends if that is what it takes to be good parents, but he does not feel like my friend right now. I need to except that this is his reality and I'm just his friend who raises his children.

Also, he is a Seahawks fan, is it wrong that I really wanted them to lose?


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2427809 02/03/14 05:30 AM
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Mama, so sorry about your H's email.

I heard this same stuff from my H.

"I want to, at he very least, be friends with you."

"We need to be friends and then see where that leads."

"I want you to be happy, and you deserve someone who can give you what you are looking for."

"I enjoy spending time with you and I want to have a relationship with you."

But also, he wants a D.

I kind of wonder if they just say this crap bc it helps to assuage their guilt. Either that, or they really are that selfish that they want to be rid of the parts of the M they don't like (the obligations, basically), but still expect us to be their "friend."

Ha ha, no, it's not wrong of you to want his team to lose (then again, I'm a Broncos fan so a bit biased), but it won't really make your life any better to know he is unhappy, will it? OK, well maybe for a moment, but in the grand scheme of things, not really.

Your H thinks he has things all figured out. You don't. And don't expect yourself to. for right now, follow the 37 rules, and focus on taking care of yourself and living your life one day at a time.

I agree with 3bm, you don't have to do everything on your H's timetable. Tell him that you need some time to process this.

Keep posting, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. It does get better.


me: 44 XH: 42
M 11 years
D10 and S8
Bomb drop 9/27/13
D final 7/1/14
melissag #2428339 02/05/14 04:14 AM
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Thank you Melissa, one very positive thing about reading your thread and others is that I don't feel quite as alone. It gives me some comfort to know that other WAS have the same verbiage and feelings.

I have not seen my H since he told me he wanted a divorce. He travels for work and will be back for a few days on Thursday. We have emailed and texted. He has retained a lawyer using his bonus money that he just received. I think he was waiting for the bonus before proceeding with the divorce. I don't even know how I'm going to act around him, although I have now read DR and will work on the LRT. It is hard for me to act "as if" at this point so I think the best thing is to stay out of the way. He wants to continue staying at the house when he is in town until the divorce is final.

I have been thinking about looking into a divorce support group in my area, and trying to come up with other GAL activities.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2428390 02/05/14 02:58 PM
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Mama, yes. You need to GAL like mad. Do you exercise? If yes, do it more. If not, get started. It's huge. A support group would be wonderful. Do you have girl friends you can go out with? Even just going to lunch is great. Keep doing things with your kids, don't isolate yourself, and try not to focus on your H and what he is doing or thinking. (I know, that's really hard.)

Keep reading other people's threads - as labug said the other day, there are many success stories on this board . . . and most of them are when the M is not saved. You will be OK. You will be better than OK.

Stay strong!!


me: 44 XH: 42
M 11 years
D10 and S8
Bomb drop 9/27/13
D final 7/1/14
MamaB #2428416 02/05/14 04:38 PM
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Quote:
We have emailed, and we did write briefly about how we each saw our relationship. I did tell him my view, but I know it really does not matter to him right now


What was his view?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2428454 02/05/14 07:02 PM
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Hi MamaB,

I'm sorry this is happening to you. You are in the right place to find support and advice on how to handle things. Based on your posts, I assume you are a stay at home mom? If that is the case, you definitely need to see a lawyer to make sure he doesn't leave you high and dry financially. You may not think he is that way but when they get like this, you don't know what is going on with them. I also want to suggest getting separate attorneys. If you share one, they can ONLY REPRESENT ONE PARTY. Since he hired them, then he is the client and will try to do what in his best interest. If you didn't like what you heard from the lawyer you visited, talk to another one to verify what he said. From this point forward, you need to think about you and your children. You control the pace this proceeds. Don't let him scare you into doing something quickly. Let him do the work on the divorce. You do the work you have to do to get you to a happy place. Going through the DB steps won't guarantee things will work out. There are MANY success stories. Some are from the marriage surviving and prospering, others are from the spouse (you) being able to get through this a better and happier person in the end. Things are scary right now. It might even get worse. But you have trust that going through DBing, you WILL make it through this and be happy again (either with him or without). Use this board as your punching bag. Tell us your thoughts, yell/scream/cuss...do it all here and not at him. Come here with your ideas so we can give you our opinion if it would be beneficial/destructive to your situation. We are here for you.

Brian


Me: 39
W: 44
SS 24
SD: 20
M: 13
T: 15
Bomb: 2/16/11
EA: 2/14/11
Papers Signed 4/13/11
Divorced 5/13/11
labug #2428539 02/05/14 11:49 PM
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[quote=

What was his view? [/quote]

His view is that we do not have anything in common: politics, tv shows, movies, etc. These are his examples, he also said that about a year ago he realized that every conversation we had ended in an arguement. He is not at all specific with me about anything else. We have always had different views and some different interests, but it has not been an issue for 16 years (it seemed). And last year was a tough time because that is when my H got his promotion and he was under a great deal of stress.

My H has a little bt of a history of withdrawling because of job stress. Way back in the beginning of our relationship, H started a new business and could not handle a relationship and his work, so we broke up and got back together 8 months later (we where just dating), he also withdrew after our first child was born and we moved closer to family.

I talk about that history because I kept thinking things would get better once he gained confidence in his job. This was probably mind reading on my part. I have come to the realization that I do this alot, and not just with my husband.

Brian, thank you so much for your post. It really made me tear up because I do feel suddenly alone with all of this and I really appreciate your words. I am a stay at home mom, and have left most of the money decisions up to my H, I completly trusted him. I am very scared of the financial end of this. It is making it hard to try to process the emotional side of losing my husband because I‘m in survial mode. My H is moving at full speed and I'm fighting the urge to fall into the habit of deffering to him.

Sorry for the long post, I also want to note that my oldest got her braces off today, and while I'm so happy for her, it still had a cloud over the happiness. I really want this part to stop, I want to get to a place where it will.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2428596 02/06/14 04:40 AM
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Mama, your sitch is very very new. I hate to say this, but this is all going to be very raw for a while. I know how much this svcks, but there is nothing you can do other than to feel your feelings and keep plodding forward. Your progress won't be linear, but you will see at some point that overall, you are headed in the right direction. Here's a piece of advice I am still working on - don't be hard on yourself. It takes time to heal. I know it is frustrating how long it seems to take, but don't be hard on yourself because you are not further along in the process.

Your H has not filed yet, right? I don't know what state you are in - most of them have a waiting period of some sort. Do you know what it is in your state?

When my H BDd, he was ready to move out and get D like, right. that. minute.

I mean, he literally BDd me at 10 a.m. and wanted to tell the kids when they got home from school at 3:30 so that he could spend the night somewhere else.

Thankfully (because he either does or claims to want to put the kids first), he agreed to slow down a bit. I asked him to make an appointment to see a psych who specializes in this kind of stuff, to find out what's the best way to tell the kids, how should all of this work, etc., in order for the kids to be the least traumatized. This bought me a couple of weeks, and by then, I had been DBing for a while, and things started to get better at home. Once my H didn't feel so trapped, the urgency in leaving and getting D ASAP subsided. Yes, he did still move out, but it was six weeks later. And yes, he does still want to get D, but he waited four months to bring it up again. So no, my story is not going to end the way you want yours to, but at least I was able to buy some time to get through those first few months, which I think (hope) are the hardest emotionally. I am MUCH stronger now and better able to make these kinds of decisions.

If your H is pushing things along too quickly, you should talk to him and ask him to please slow down. That making rash decisions will be good for no one, and that you need to be in a better state of mind to be making decisions that will impact not only you, but your children, for a long time to come.

Don't worry about the financial side of this (or anything else in the future for that matter) right now. Right now, just focus on taking care of yourself, and getting through this incredibly difficult emotional crisis. There will be time for the rest later, I promise!


me: 44 XH: 42
M 11 years
D10 and S8
Bomb drop 9/27/13
D final 7/1/14
MamaB #2428632 02/06/14 01:48 PM
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Quote:
I talk about that history because I kept thinking things would get better once he gained confidence in his job. This was probably mind reading on my part. I have come to the realization that I do this alot, and not just with my husband.


:)Those of us who like to control, do that a lot. It's the only way we can actually control others wink , we make it up what they're thinking.

So enough talk about him, what about you? What do you like about your M, what didn't you like?

What do you know you need to change to have a great R?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
MamaB #2428722 02/06/14 05:24 PM
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Originally Posted By: MamaB
My H was never very specific with what I was doing wrong during the M.


Yes, but most of us already know....we just have to have the courage to look.

Originally Posted By: MamaB
What I would have changed in myself was to be more physically affectionate to my H and to be more present in our relationship.


Why more physically affectionate? Is this something he complained about, or something you were unhappy with? What does "be more present" mean?

Originally Posted By: MamaB
I would have made sure that we took the time to nurture our relationship as husband and wife.


How? What would that look like?


M:44 W:42
M:15
S:19, D:16, S:14, D:12, S:6
BD: 2/14/11
D Final: 6/25/13
MamaB #2428775 02/06/14 07:17 PM
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You will get to that part where the cloud over your happiness will go away. One of the things I learned early going through my sitch is a motto I still use to this day. "Happiness is a choice. It's something I choose everyday!". Happiness truly is a choice. It becomes more then just words once you realize that you can only worry about the things you control. You can't control your H or the feelings/desires he has. All you can control is you. Once I understood that and started following it, I understood that I can choose to be happy, or let others dictate my mood and be miserable.

So, what are you doing for YOU through this? I know it's hard to stay busy being the mother of 3 kids. You need to make sure you make some time for yourself. Maybe ask the 16YO to babysit and you go out with some girlfriends.

Brian


Me: 39
W: 44
SS 24
SD: 20
M: 13
T: 15
Bomb: 2/16/11
EA: 2/14/11
Papers Signed 4/13/11
Divorced 5/13/11
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Labug, the things I liked about my marriage were that we were a family. I liked supporting my H through his job rise, he has found great success and I was a part of that. I liked feeling that I also had someone that was there for me. I love our family, watching the kids play soccer, going out as a family of 5, having dinner together and talking about our day..... etc.

The things I did not like was lack of affection and intimacy. I felt lonely a lot of the time and I did feel under appreciated because I did not work outside of the home. The care of the children fell 95% to me. All homework, teachers, doctors, practices, rides were things that my H did not have time to help with, but he supported us financially and he resented that.

Breakdown,

My H never mentioned the lack of affection, but I think (trying not mind read) he would have liked more from me. For example, before he withdrew, when he would come home from work and kiss me hello, I would offer up a cheek. I was usually in the middle of making dinner. What I should have done was stop, give my H a kiss and acknowledge that I was happy he was home. This goes with being "more present" I should have taken the time to make him feel welcome.

The lack of intimacy and sex was more my H. He had a very low sex drive, this really started whenever I was pregnant and just lasted. This led to me feeling hurt, and I was not as comfortable with showing affection. I do regret that we did not nurture our relationship as a couple over our relationship as parents. We did not go out with just the two of us that often, and we should have made our marriage more of a priority.

Thank you Brian, for the reminder about happiness being a choice, I tell this to my children all the time. I know this is so new and raw, and I have to feel my feelings, but I need to get to a better place so that I can think more clearly.

My H came home last night after two weeks away. I can't even look at him or talk to him. I just feel so hurt and disappointed with his decision and that he told me over the phone. I know not being able to face him is about my ego. My ego is getting in my way of communicating with him. I know this, but I can't seem to get over it or get out of my own way.

Also I have been thinking about detachment, I'm so far from detached. I have downloaded and started to read the codependent book that was recommended to Melissa , and I'm very much enmeshed in my H life. Also, I think maybe in my kids lives as well. Their victories are my victories, their struggles are my struggles. I have lost myself over time.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
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My H just took my girls away for the day/night. It is the first time they have gone away without me, I'm crushed. I know I'm going to have to get used to it, but this is really hard. I'm angry that he is choosing this for our children without ever trying to talk to me or trying anything to save our marriage. I wonder if he will ever regret that.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2429434 02/08/14 10:40 PM
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Mama, I'm sorry. frown I know how much it svcks. I hate that my H takes my kids away too. I'll be honest, though. Having a little time to myself actually helps me have a better R with my kids. When we are together it's more quality time. And because I am taking better care of myself, I have more patience with them. Do something for yourself with this time. Go to a yoga class. Meet up with a friend. Take a bubble bath. Read a book and have a glass of wine. Or whatever makes you feel good.

I am angry with my H too, for similar reasons. Who knows whether they will ever regret it. The important thing is to make sure that you never regret the way you handled it.

(((( ))))


me: 44 XH: 42
M 11 years
D10 and S8
Bomb drop 9/27/13
D final 7/1/14
melissag #2429482 02/09/14 04:20 AM
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You are right Melissa, this is especially true:

" Who knows whether they will ever regret it. The important thing is to make sure that you never regret the way you handled it".

I'm really trying to (and struggling with) handle things with dignity, thank you for your words. I know this is my new reality, and I need to except it.p

I did go to the movies today, I saw "August, Osage County". I also watched "Blue Jasmine " at home, I'm trying to see all the oscar nominated movies. Those are the only two I have had time to see, so that is a small goal. I think @American Hustle" will be next.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2429496 02/09/14 11:27 AM
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hi MamaB, just checking in, saying hello. I too was a SAHM. Since BD, I have gone back to school. I am in a 12 month certificate program which will enable me to get a job.
It has not been easy, but taking classes has helped me thru this process.
I have to study so less time to focus on/worry about h.
I still do it of course.
I supported h thru his career rise. I thought we had a deal...h went to work, I did the kids and home. I thought we had a pretty good thing.
Glad you are watching the Oscar movies!
take care of yourself and your girls.


M48 H50
M21 T26
S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old
PA confirmed 7/2012
H separates 9/2012
H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY
OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
willbwell #2429536 02/09/14 05:00 PM
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Thank you for checking in will well. I thought the same thing, that we had a good partnership. Good for you for taking classes. I have been thing about this as well. I need to figure out if I can afford the classes, but I would I love to do it.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
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I meet with a CPA today and she gave me some good advice about taxes and what I should think about in D negotiations/mediation. I do encourage everyone to go to a CPA if they are in the divorce process, it was helpful.

My H and I had limited contact over the weekend. He is now traveling for work and he has not let me know when he will come back. I had a school meeting about D9 today, we are trying to get her tested for a learning disability, it has been a long frustrating road and I'm treading it mainly alone. I did email H about the meeting to keep him up to date. My D6 is also on track to be tested. I feel overwhelmed by trying to keep everything together and make sure everything gets done while I'm distracted by my R and D. I'm probably feeling a little sorry for myself today.

Tomorrow is a new day!


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2429951 02/11/14 03:10 AM
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Quote:
Tomorrow is a new day!


Amen to that!!

Just keep taking care of yourself and your girls . . . you will get through this.

There will come a point in the not too distant future that you will find that more and more often, you are more focused on your girls and your GAL than your H and your sitch.


me: 44 XH: 42
M 11 years
D10 and S8
Bomb drop 9/27/13
D final 7/1/14
melissag #2430216 02/11/14 11:36 PM
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I found out today that in addition to 13,000 my H took out of our account in November, he also took 7,000 in December. He just got a bonus of 6.9 thousand. He put all of this money into a separate account which I have no access to. He paid 11,500 on one of his credit cards, using this money. I have been completely trusting with my H, I never thought he would take money from.

I need to pay to retain my lawyer out of our joint checking which is the account we pay all bills from, and which my H check gets deposited to. My choice is to pay retainer leaving little money for bills and hope that my H will surplus account with some of the money he took, or not to retain the lawyer. I feel trapped and soo disappointed in my H. He really could have handled this in a much more respectful way. I have not told him that I know of the additional 7,000 he transferred out and I'm not sure what to do.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2430787 02/13/14 07:55 PM
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H came home for the night and left this morning. He will be gone until next weekend. He came home and went right upstairs. Kids were so happy to see him, he put them to bed. I have been circling down the drain since I found out about the extra money he moved.

I have made an appointment with an IC for next week. I need help with getting to a place where I can talk to my H. I'm currently not doing well with DBing or 180s so I have trying to put a lot of thought into forgiveness and how to get there. It has only been three weeks so I do realize that this is just a drop in the bucket as far as time. I also joined a divorce Meet up group, so hopefully that is something that will be a good GAL activity. Soccer season is starting for two of my girls, which is always crazy busy, I welcome the distraction.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2430792 02/13/14 08:22 PM
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Good to see you are taking steps. this process feels like forever. its kind of like dog years. one year here feels like 7 LOL. I am only 2 months into S, but it feels like much longer and my M was a mess before that.

You're getting there. have faith, keep posting. I just said this to somebody else. H walked away from you, return the favor. Just go out and start living. be the person you want to be and GAL. I know it sounds hard, but leave H is the dust (figure of speech). you might even find that YOU feel different once you do this. you never know....

I'm trying to do the same with my W so trust me, I'm no expert. smile Have a great day.


me: 47, W:49
M 16.5 years
T 17 years
Three kids - D17,D14, S13
Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13
Bomb drop 11/29/13
W moved out 12/5/13
I Retained L 2/20/14
D filed 3/17/14
paul19510 #2430809 02/13/14 09:23 PM
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I would tell him you know- the courts will not allow that! He can't hoard money while it still is in both names! Don't let him steal from you.


Me: 39
H: 45
Second marriage for both
H left 12/2013
M:4 T:5.5
artsy #2430818 02/13/14 09:53 PM
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I agree with Artsy in the sense that this may start getting a little dicey.... I am not a L but you should likely talk one to ensure you and the kids are ok given the facts you stated here...they'll be able to ease your mind or at least help you work in ways that won't hurt you.

If he's moving $$ around and it might impact things for the family, you may want to see what rights you do or do not have in your state. You don't have to retain one to talk over this case. I interviewed a couple of people before I found a L I really liked and had good recommendations. it costs about $50 in my area to do that. Don't tell you H you did that just yet. Some thing are better left unsaid. if needed, you can tell h things later.


me: 47, W:49
M 16.5 years
T 17 years
Three kids - D17,D14, S13
Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13
Bomb drop 11/29/13
W moved out 12/5/13
I Retained L 2/20/14
D filed 3/17/14
paul19510 #2430837 02/13/14 11:22 PM
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Thank you Paul. I'm trying to take steps to GAL, I think not doing it sooner part of the reason I'm in this situation.

Artsy and Paul, I will tell him soon, but everytime I picture what I'm going to say, it is not as calm and rational as I would like it to be. When my H called me on the phone 3 weeks ago to tell me he wanted a D, he had already gone to a lawyer. He emailed me a few days later about having mediation to save us money, he has since retained a lawyer using some of that money. He also payed down 11.5 in credit card debt (from a card that is in his name only) from that money.

I have gone to a lawyer who said that there really was not much I could do unless I filed for D and that would put a "stay" on all accounts. I jut don't want to file because I don't want the D, and I don't want to have to pay for filing.

The stealing/hording of the money is making it hard for me to address getting to a place of decent communication with my H. The person I trusted most is leaving me in a very bad financial situation. I am still trying to address my issues that lead to this, I hope the IC will help with that.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2430849 02/14/14 12:29 AM
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Mama, you don't need a lawyer to file for D. You can file on your own, and the filing fee is not very much $$. If you are worried that your H is pissing away marital money, you should consider filing to protect your kids and yourself.

I had a similar issue - I needed to file to stop my H from giving up a martial asset, so I filed for a legal S (since I don't want to get D - I figured I will let him file for D if he wants to). That might be an option for you to look into as well. It wasn't easy and I still wish I didn't have to do it, but I didn't really have a choice.

Have you talked at all with your H about the $$? Perhaps he has some (non-sinister) plan you don't know about. Don't avoid talking to him out of fear. (This is one I am still learning myself, but it's so true.)

And make sure you are GALing for YOU. smile


me: 44 XH: 42
M 11 years
D10 and S8
Bomb drop 9/27/13
D final 7/1/14
MamaB #2430883 02/14/14 03:14 AM
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Originally Posted By: MamaB
Thank you Paul. I'm trying to take steps to GAL, I think not doing it sooner part of the reason I'm in this situation.

Artsy and Paul, I will tell him soon, but everytime I picture what I'm going to say, it is not as calm and rational as I would like it to be. When my H called me on the phone 3 weeks ago to tell me he wanted a D, he had already gone to a lawyer. He emailed me a few days later about having mediation to save us money, he has since retained a lawyer using some of that money. He also payed down 11.5 in credit card debt (from a card that is in his name only) from that money.

I have gone to a lawyer who said that there really was not much I could do unless I filed for D and that would put a "stay" on all accounts. I jut don't want to file because I don't want the D, and I don't want to have to pay for filing.

The stealing/hording of the money is making it hard for me to address getting to a place of decent communication with my H. The person I trusted most is leaving me in a very bad financial situation. I am still trying to address my issues that lead to this, I hope the IC will help with that.


I know you are in a strange new place but trust me (M and Artsy chime in here) you're in good company. You sound like this really took the "wind out of your sails". I can feel your emotions very clearly through your words. Its going to be ok. Whatever happens, you'll handle it. Remember that.

Also, it takes two to be married and unless there's something really crazy going on, it takes two to kill a M. Please do not think that you own all of this; You don't. It's just that you can't control whether or not you H does anything about his side of the street. Just work on your stuff (that's not the same as shouldering the entire blame for the marriage).

The benefit of working on you is that YOU FEEL BETTER. he might never notice but I guarantee you will smile


me: 47, W:49
M 16.5 years
T 17 years
Three kids - D17,D14, S13
Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13
Bomb drop 11/29/13
W moved out 12/5/13
I Retained L 2/20/14
D filed 3/17/14
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Hi Mama,

I just wanted to chime in and say I'm sorry you find yourself here. I'm only 2 months in and my h is moving out Saturday. It's painful, but you will get wonderful advice here from this board.

Please recognize it will unfortunately probably get worse before it gets better. Have zero expectations and take care of yourself. I've had many nights where I never went to sleep ! (I don't advise this. )

Take care and keep posting.



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Georgiabelle #2431233 02/15/14 04:59 PM
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Well just got served a Petition and the waiver for divorce, right in front of my kids (they don't kniw what it is.) I have feelings of hate at the moment for him, but I guess this should not come as a shock. A heads up would have been nice. UGH! The date on the petition is 2-14-2014, Valentines Day.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2431237 02/15/14 05:33 PM
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It seems that Underdog's H filed on 2/14 also.

I'm so sorry, you're probably having many emotions, feel them all and let them go.

Don't fight the emotion.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2431244 02/15/14 06:25 PM
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That was confusing, UD's H filed years ago and they're D'd. Just a coincidence on the date.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Thank you labug, I am feeling so many emotions right now. I'm trying to feel them all, I'm grieving the loss of my family really.

I was very upset to get the papers because I had just talked to my H on the phone (the first real conversation since BD) and I asked that he would be sensitive about the papers. He said that he does not think it works like that. Technically, I did not get "served", the mailman rang the doorbell, my kids ran out excited that I was getting a package, I signed certified mail and opened the papers at my front door in front of kids. H never even mentioned that he filed. I called him back and he said they were supposed to come next week.

He did say he was sorry, first time he has said he was sorry about any of this. I do actually appreciate that he was sorry. It also reinforced, that he just can't be completely up front with this D. He called me on the phone to tell me he wanted a D, he could not even say the word D I had to, and now he could not tell me he filed.

He says he is confused, but he is moving at warp speed, three weeks between telling me and filing. I'm pretty sure there is OW, he just won't admit it, it could have some influence to a judge (not much) in my state of Texas.

The phone conversation was really because I had taken money out of our account to retain a lawyer. I felt bad and told him I hoped he understood, he said he expected it, but I think he was surprised I felt bad. We also rehashed some past stuff (stupid mistake). I have gone as dark as you can, and I have really come to understand that it just hurts me when this happens. I want so badly not to hurt so much and I do realize that I need to detach to get there, maybe forgive too.

I also told him that I'm not moving to another state and leaving my D16 here to complete High School. That was the plan before DB, but I want to keep my girls together and be here for my oldest D. This made him cry, he wants the relationship with my two youngest. I see my IC tomorrow for the first time tomorrow.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2431569 02/17/14 07:30 PM
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Mama, I am sorry. frown

All of this svcks. And you are doing unbelievably well for how new this all is.

At this point, you need to focus on yourself and your kids, and making sure that this whole process is done properly and that you get what you are entitled to. My sitch is a little bit older than yours, but we are in a similar place as far as the legal process.

One thing I am working really hard on is not allowing my emotions to get in the way of the business side of things. Because I know that if I somehow get less than I am entitled to because I feel guilty, or I am trying to be amicable, or not make my H mad, or whatever, I am going to feel raped and will probably be resentful about it for a long, long time. It's really important to think big picture. And remember that you can't believe anything your H says or does - and certainly do not count on him to take you, your future or your feelings into account.

I know it totally svcks to think that way, but it's the only way.

Good for you for telling your H that you won't be moving. There is no reason for you to move now other than to make his life easier. He made the choice, let him feel the consequence. Please do NOT feel guilty when he cries. It's not up to you to move to another state so that he can have the R he wants with the kids - he needs to figure that out on his own.

And please do not feel badly about taking money out of the account to pay for the lawyer. I know how you feel - I have been doing the same thing. I don't want to be mean, I don't want to be sneaky, I don't want to be untrusting or look out for myself to his determent. No, no, no. You do what you need to do for yourself and your kids, and do not feel badly about it!

(Can you tell I am lecturing to myself here too?)

I hope that IC will help you. I find that it helps me to jot things down during the week that are bothering me, because it seems that most of the time when I go to IC, I'm feeing OK in the moment and forget what it was that made me so distraught 6 hours ago. smile

Hang in there, mama!!


me: 44 XH: 42
M 11 years
D10 and S8
Bomb drop 9/27/13
D final 7/1/14
melissag #2431570 02/17/14 07:33 PM
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Oh! And I wanted to say, if you have some time, check out the last few pages of my thread. You can ignore my lunatic posts, but read the great advice from the vets - I think a lot of it might help you, too! smile


me: 44 XH: 42
M 11 years
D10 and S8
Bomb drop 9/27/13
D final 7/1/14
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Thank you so much for your reply Melissa, it really helped me look at few things about my decisions. And I did read your thread, and the advice you have been given is very applicable for me too! I am thankful you are here at this time, because you have been so open about your journey, you hve helped me with mine.

The decision not to move has nothing to do with my H, and everything to do with what I think is best for my kids and for myself. This really is his choice (although he says he has no choice because that is were is job is now) and this is a result of his choice. The guilt I feel is about my younger D‘s, I do want them to have a good, consistent relatioship with their Dad, and I don't want them to blame me for the distance now or when they get older. I guess I do have some guilt for my H too. But I'm confident in my choice.

It is hard for me to not feel intertwined with my H as far as decision making; financially, about the house, about the kids.....etc.... I trusted him with everything and really only pushed back occasionally. So to make these life altering choices without him is hard for me, I try to remind myself that it has only been a few weeks. That it will get easier to do and even feel normal at some point.


M45 H46
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Quote:
This really is his choice (although he says he has no choice because that is were is job is now) and this is a result of his choice.


If I had a dime for every time my H said he had no choice . . . what a cop out. But that's what my H, and probably yours, truly believe.

He actually told me, once he signed a lease but before he moved out, that he had no choice but to move because he had signed a lease. LOL. Ironic how he was so keen on keeping his commitment to the lease on his Douche Pad, but missed the concept of the commitment he made to me when we got M.

Sigh.

One of my friends has been D for 15 years. Long story short, his W had an affair, left him for the OM, but the OM backed out of the agreement and didn't leave his W for her. Then she tried to come back, and my friend said no way. Then her company found out about the affair, which wouldn't have been a problem except she was using the company jet to meet up with her OM . . . so she lost her job too. Then she turned into a raging alcoholic and lost her kids. Hmm. This was supposed to be a short story. The point is, for a number of years when the kids were little, my friend had them 100% of the time. He had a demanding (and lucrative) job, but found that he could not properly care for his kids working so many hours without his W to help out. So . . . because he needed to for his kids, he quit his job.

We all have choices. Don't let your H make the selfish choice, and then blame you for the fallout.

P.S. Here's karma for you . . . when my friend quit his job, he started his own business, which has been very successful.


me: 44 XH: 42
M 11 years
D10 and S8
Bomb drop 9/27/13
D final 7/1/14
labug #2431655 02/18/14 01:19 AM
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Hi Mama,

Hugs for you. As Bug and Melissa mentioned, my XH filed for D on VD too. I'm not sure of the significance, because his mom died on VD in 2004 and she hated me and he hated that she hated me, so it might have been his final FU to his mom. Her birthday was on the 15th so...

What really stinks is that he had you served in front of the kids. I think he's a total jerk for doing that to you and them. Mine flat out told me, "I don't want to have you served at work or in front of the girls. So if I give you the petition personally, will you sign and notarize and get it back to me?" Looking back, I appreciated it.

Hang in there. You've got the kids who need you to be strong for them. It's hard, but doable.

Good luck,

Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
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P.s. Everything these guys say about choices is true!!!! My XH's job is in DC. They've asked him a kazillion times to move. It wouldn't be too awful for me, as my family is there. I just don't want to. But instead, he worked things out to stay here in Denver and travel back every month to meet with his team. He chose it for our girls.

So don't feel bad choosing to live where you want to be. You have choices too.


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
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I'm feeling much more confident today about staying here, thank you guys. Betsy, it was really hard to get the papers in front of the kids, it is seared into my memory. It is also hard for me to realize that my husband never told me that he filed, I just would like to have some respect for me in being honest.

It was my first time in IC today. I thought it went well, I felt comfortable with my C and it was nice to be able to talk to someone about the emotions. I liked that she supported the idea of working on me in order to get to a place where I can forgive my H. She did tell m that I should tell and show my H my hurt. That has not worked so well so far so, I will refrain. She also told me to write a letter to H (not to give him unless I want to - don't) to get the anger out in a constructive way, and not to push it down.

Have not communicated with H since Saturday, I'm down in the dungeon dark .


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My C said the same thing - that I should share my hurt with my H.

Snort. Why would I share my hurt with someone who doesn't. even. care.

What would be the point? It would just make me feel worse.

I like the idea of writing a letter and then burning it.


me: 44 XH: 42
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D10 and S8
Bomb drop 9/27/13
D final 7/1/14
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I write letters all the time, and then rip them up!!! I love it! Lol smile it really does help, and I've even started doing it for situations that have nothing to do with H. My IC said I gotta stop pushing emotions away.

So, try it!! smile

My IC also told me to tell my H about the results if his actions, BUT he doesn't want me to do it until I can completely detach from whatever his reaction will be. For me, I'm thinking that will be "drop the rope time". I'm not there, but the point of the exercise for me is that it's a 180 from what I normally do with everybody.

Is that the case with you guys? Not sure otherwise why they would want you to do that, especially if your H is being cold most of the time...??


Me: 39
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When I was going through my divorce, I actually did hand write my wife a letter and sent it to her. It wasn't an attempt to win her back or to improve our sitch. It was just to tell her I realize some of the things I did and wanted her to know how truly sorry I was. That letter meant a lot to her and it helped me forgive myself for who I was at that time. Self forgiveness is a huge part of healing.

Brian


Me: 39
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MamaB your C said
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She did tell m that I should tell and show my H my hurt. That has not worked so well so far so, I will refrain.


Did you ask for a full explanation of this? I would. Did she mean boundaries?

I don't think being a victim and repeating over and over "You hurt me" is constructive but learning why you hurt and setting boundaries that protect you is helpful.

I think you also have to figure out what "not worked" means to you as well as what something working looks like.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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I will write the letter this weekend, I do think it will help.

Labug, my C and I were discussing how I was feeling, I told her that I felt hurt. Hurt for his divorcing me and braking up our family, hurt that he told me over the phone, hurt that he took money, hurt that he did not tell me he filed and I got the papers in front of my kids. I told her that he does not acknowledge the fact that I feel hurt. She thought that if he saw my hurt in person that it may move him to acknowledge it.

"Not works" means to me that I don't think my H can acnknowledge my hurt because he is surprised by it, or does not realize or want to realize it. He thinks the divorce is best for everyone involved. Also, he emailed me today and in it he said "I know you are angry and frusrated, but....." so I think H sees me as angry vs. hurt.

I think what may work better is to know I am hurt, but I can't control if H acknowledges that fact. I need to work through that on my own. Also I need to not read to my H as angry. He thinks that I'm not moving because I'm mad at him, and that is not the case.


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My H missed his plane last night so will not be home this weekend. I know both he and my younger girls are dissapointed. He will now be coming home next Friday for the weekend.

I'm going to use the time to continue on working on detaching. I feel pretty good this morning, better than I have since the BD. It is a beautiful day today and I'm taking thd girls to D6's soccer game and then out for frozen yogurt. I hope the good mood lasts!


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Originally Posted By: MamaB

Labug, my C and I were discussing how I was feeling, I told her that I felt hurt. Hurt for his divorcing me and braking up our family, hurt that he told me over the phone, hurt that he took money, hurt that he did not tell me he filed and I got the papers in front of my kids. I told her that he does not acknowledge the fact that I feel hurt. She thought that if he saw my hurt in person that it may move him to acknowledge it.

"Not works" means to me that I don't think my H can acnknowledge my hurt because he is surprised by it, or does not realize or want to realize it. He thinks the divorce is best for everyone involved. Also, he emailed me today and in it he said "I know you are angry and frusrated, but....." so I think H sees me as angry vs. hurt.


Most of us show we're hurt by being angry. That's the first thing that bubbles up to protect us, the fight-or-flight reflex. It's only by slowing down and really getting to know ourselves and our emotions that we can sort these things out and respond in ways that give us a better chance of getting what we need.

Once we make any statement, how others acknowledge it is out of our hands. Whether he hears you or not isn't your problem. You taking care of you, is your responsibility. Your next sentence makes me think you understand that.

Quote:
I think what may work better is to know I am hurt, but I can't control if H acknowledges that fact. I need to work through that on my own. Also I need to not read to my H as angry. He thinks that I'm not moving because I'm mad at him, and that is not the case.

I think this is an opportunity to be straight with him and then let it go, leave it alone.

"H, I'm not angry now. I was hurt by x, y, and z my initial my response was anger." End of story unless 1)you have expectations that this will in some may make your situation immediately better, or 2)you are, in fact, still angry.

I expect you are and that's OK. Who wouldn't be? Anger is good because it can spur us to take action, to set boundaries to protect ourselves. But not recognizing and dealing with it can keep us stuck in the anger. Not good.

Just keep moving forward.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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One more thought, we often want what we say to somehow change our S, see the light, come around. Let go of that thought.

DB is based on our changes changing the dynamics of the R. Nothing is forced, they get to make a decision. Sometimes our Ss change in response to that R shift, sometimes they don't.

But we are left the better because of our changes.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Thank you for your reply labug, I have been thinking about what you wrote, and how I feel. I do completly agree that I wanted to change my Hs POV. I remember reading on someone else's thread that our WAS POV is as real them as ours is to us. I can't change what is happening, and I can't change the speed with which it is happening, I can only change how I react to what is happening.

I'm still on my own emotional rollercoaster, and can run the gamut of different feelings on a daily basis. Because this is going so quickly, I'm overwhelmed with the decisions I have to make now. I have not communicated with my H in almost two weeks, he will be home over the weekend and I just can't imagine how I will interact with him. I need to figure it out.


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MamaB #2434298 02/27/14 06:38 PM
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MamaB, I can totally relate to your feeling like you're on an emotional roller coaster. My WAW left me nearly 5 months ago and took our three young kids when she left and I am still on a roller coaster daily, sometimes hourly. Doing things as simple as going to the grocery store are painful. I had been doing all the shopping for our family before my W took then away. Now I'm only shopping for myself the majority of the time.

I'm learning to let go of the past as well as my idealized view of the future and just concentrate on right now. Right now I may be faced with fighting for equal time with my kids and taking care of myself. That's about all I can do and I expect it's pretty common for the LBS. I'm making myself the best person I can be, someone any spouse would be crazy to leave. No matter what happens, I'll be a better Dad and a better person.

I agree, your H's POV is very real to him, no matter how crazy it might seem to you. I have spent far too much time trying to figure out why my W is continuing to do what she's doing and I may never totally understand her POV. It perhaps seems counter intuitive but working on yourself and changing the ways you interact with you H have a lot better chance of changing his POV than the seemingly direct approach of trying to change his mind, lecturing him that his decisions are wrong etc.


Me-40,W-37
D7, D5, S3
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T 11 YRS
M 7 YRS
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Yes Scorp, I'm finding the simple things can bring on a big wave of sadness. I still am in a state of denial I suppose. Weird that in a few weeks I will be a single mother of three plus dog.

I'm sorry that you find yourself in the position of fighting for equal time with your kids, that must be incredibly frustrating for you to not be a part of their everyday lives. I'm in the opposite poistion, where my H is moving to another state.

I do feel like I need to really take advantage of this chance to GAL and to be the best possible version of myself. I want to be happy and to be the best example of a strong, loving Mom that I can be to my girls. I'm still trying to figure out the steps to get there.

I wish none of us were here, but I'm grateful too.


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H came home last weekend, he left yesterday. It was the first time we really talked (face to face) since BD.

We talked about how to proceed with the divorce, mostly about finances. H really wants me to move, he offered more spousal support if I move vs. if I stay in Texas. I was pretty upset by this and told him it was blackmail. He does not see it the same way of course. I'm not going to move until after my oldest graduates from high school next year, after that I just don't know. I have no idea what my life will look like at that time. I do understand why he is desperate for me to commit to moving, but now I'm feeling guilty about it, even though he is the one that wants the D. We decided to think about the finances and move and talk again. Not sure if that is going to happen or not.

A few things I noticed, I'm starting to detach. I was able to go about my days with him here without hiding out in my bedroom. He stayed upstairs most of the time, but we did interact and it was ok, awkward, but ok. Also we went (in separate cars) to both my younger Ds soccer games. This was something I was dreading, but again, it was ok.

My H seems a little lost, he has only confided in two people. His brother who went through a terrible divorce and had never recovered and has a lot of anger, and Hs boss, also divorced and has issues (my H words). He is defiantly conflicted, but determined to get Divorced. He does feel that D will make his like better, but is also confused and admitted to second guessing, which I guess is normal. In some ways,I feel like the stronger person even though I'm still a mess.


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Will you be moving away from friends and family? Your husband wants a divorce yet wants you to move to another state to make it more convenient for him to see the children?
How is this beneficial to you?
Was the move planned before BD?


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C-6,2,6 months
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Hi Mic, the move was planned before BD. About a year ago my H was promoted and the new job is based in another city, and includes a lot of travel. He has been traveling most weekdays for a year now, the job has really stressed him out and I think (mind reading) that this has been one factor in his wanting to D. We were going to move this summer and my oldest D was going to stay here and finish school living with her close friend. I hated that my D was going to be seperated, but it seemed like the best option.

When my H called to tell me he wanted the D, I just knew that I could not seperate the girls and leave my D to deal with this on her own. We would go from one houshold to three. Also I love the city were I live now, I have friends and my kids have friends. The other city is closer to my parents. I will consider moving after my D graduates, but I won't make it part of the decree because I just don't know what life will look like in 15 months. I may have a great job (I hope to have a job!), I maybe in a great situation.

Of course, the opposite could also be true too. H is going to move no matter what I do, he feels that he has no choice.


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Good luck with your decision. You need to do what is best for yourself. It is so much easier to give advice than to take it. How are the kids handling the separation/divorce. Is there another W involved that you know of?
I would think they would need their mom more than ever right now and they are used to their dad travelling. Will work allow him to come back and visit or will you be sending the kids to him for long periods?


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Thank you for your reply Mic, I could use some luck! My younger two don't knwow yet (H request) but I think they can sense a change in our dynamic. My oldest D is mad, but respectful to her Dad.

I don't know if there is OW. He says that there is not, but I would not be shocked if there was one.

I really wish that I didn't have to make the decision to move or not to move. I really feel that staying to get my D through school is important for her and keeping thr girls all together right now is important.

My D9 was facetiming with H the other night and asked him why he was not home. She said "Dad, why are you there and not home, your children are not there, your dog is not there, your wife is not there!" He was silent. I'm not sure how the visitation would work, I know what the courts allow which include his getting them for 42 days in the Summer, every Spring break, every other weekend, and trade off holidays. But, I don't know yet what the reality of that will be as he travels so much.


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I'm struggling with making all the decisions I need to make concerning the D, and trying to dig deep into how I got into this position. I have been doing 180s, but they are mainly used on kids as H is not home much. I'm really noticing a change within me on these 180's. For example, I listen until the very end when they are talking, I don't jump in o correct or try to fix, I try to valadate their feelings. I have slipped up plenty of times, but I try to think anout the slips and how I should have responded.

When my D and I talked last weekend, I did jump in too much. My plan next time we talk is to STFU and let him talk. Even when I don't agree with what he feels are fair terms fo the divorce.

Just some journaling.


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My H has been holding our family's happiness hostage for the past few years because he hates his current job and couldn't find another comparable job locally. I finally said I had enough of feeling so guilty about either him moving away and not getting to see our S or him staying in a job he hates. We broke up, he was suddenly faced with not seeing our S daily and the craziest thing happened... He went out and found a new job, different career path, that will allow him to live near us and give him more time with our S.

My point is this, I care about my H but I couldn't help him out of his own 'stuff.' He had to find a way to make his job and living arrangements work around our S.

Your H doesn't have to work this particular job. He might have to make some sacrifices in his line of work or in his pay, but you don't need to solve this for him. If his heart is aching he'll find a way to live closer to your kids whether or not you work things out in your marriage.


BD: Aug 2012
Separated since May 2013
S born Aug 2013
Aug 2013 H agrees to consider 'baby steps toward working things out'
H is/was actively seeing someone?
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That is very insperational to me. I do feel that the decision to stay is the right one, and it has nothing to do with my H, and everything to with my Ds and myself.

I still feel guilty, but it is good reminder that he has to deal with his own "stuff" and choices. He is good at using my guilt against me, but I know that is really my problem. I do feel anger about his trying to bribe me to move, the only ones that hurts is our kids. Hopefully he will accept my staying and work with me in the D.

I need to stop obsessing over this, I'm going to take my Mom out to some antique stores, my GAL for today.


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I just scored 8 pure white heavy dishes for $24! I'm so excited about this! I just keep thinking H would be so proud of me, but whatever I'm happy. I have been looking for some like this for awhile.


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I just scored 8 pure white heavy dishes for $24! I'm so excited about this! I just keep thinking H would be so proud of me, but whatever I'm happy. I have been looking for some like this for awhile.


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H just called, I have not talked to him all week. He wanted to know about girls plans for weeken (soccer games and such.) We ended up talking a little bit about taxes and ended by verbally dividing our artwork. Most of art was given to us by friends and is very personal to both of us.

It was do surreal to have this conversation, I still can't believe we will be D soon. We were both calm and respectful, but it hurts a lot. I do so well and then things happen and I'm a crying mess. I guess this is normal. How can he be so cold about everything? All three of our Ds have their birthdays in s fes weeks, I don't know how I'm going to be strong enough through it snd act like all is well knowing that it will be the last birthday they will have when they think we are still a whole family.


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I am beginning to believe at least for men it is all logic and no emotion. As we all know men process in different ways. For you the artwork is a culmination of your life together. For him at that exact moment it was just a business deal. Try to remember when dealing with finances that whether or not you ever get back together get as much as you can for your family. In finances do not let your emotions take over. Later he will respect you more for that and looking out for your children.
Good luck!


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Thanks MIC. I agree about not getting emotional about the finances, that has been hard. I may have to just let the lawyers handle some of this directly.

I do think that my H and I can divide most of our physical belongings without too much disagreement, it is just so hard to believe that it has come to this. I wish I had a time machine to go back and work on things. I was pretty proud, in retrospect, of both of us being pretty fair. My H negotiates and manages people for a living and he was managing me, but I did not let it bother me. I broke down after the call, but I'm trying to feel and let go.

H is home tonight for the weekend. It was easier when I was full of hurt/anger, I could ignore him. Now that we are interacting and talking (he is actually more polite now) it is harder to detach.

I'm so much better than a month ago, but still have so far to go. I'm going to work on being awesome over the weekend, even if I don't feel like it. We agreeed to work on our inventory lists for our lawyers so we will see how that goes.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2436531 03/08/14 12:16 AM
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Try not to read too much into how he's dealing with things. He may come across as cold and uncaring, but he could just as easily be feeling like he's on a path he can't turn back from and feels like splitting things up will make him feel better. There've been times I've asked my H to pick up the last of his stuff because I thought following through would make me feel better. When the stuff was gone the pain remained.

Today he feels like dividing your artwork will get him closure, but maybe tomorrow he won't be so sure he wants a divorce. And last I checked you don't have a crystal ball, ha ha. So why are you thinking this is their last birthdays as a family? A lot can happen in a year so why not enjoy this time where he's being polite and not worry about what will happen in the future?

Stay strong this weekend. You got this MamaB!


BD: Aug 2012
Separated since May 2013
S born Aug 2013
Aug 2013 H agrees to consider 'baby steps toward working things out'
H is/was actively seeing someone?
slow_it_down #2437132 03/10/14 11:23 PM
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[/quote]

Today he feels like dividing your artwork will get him closure, but maybe tomorrow he won't be so sure he wants a divorce. And last I checked you don't have a crystal ball, ha ha. So why are you thinking this is their last birthdays as a family? A lot can happen in a year so why not enjoy this time where he's being polite and not worry about what will happen in the future?

Stay strong this weekend. You got this MamaB!
[/quote]


You are right, I don't have a crystal ball. Thank you for the encouragement!

The weekend went pretty well. H was not feeling well and spent most of his time upstairs. We split the girls soccer games because they were at the same time in two different places. I made dinner each night which D ate, I supported him with a disagreement with D16. We were both not overly friendly, but polite. There was no R talk or D talk, For the most part I had a very positive attitude. These weekend visits will come to an end soon as H formally live in new town by April 1st.

I'm still giving H too much real estate in my thoughts. I need a way to stop thoughts as soon as they start, That is my goal this week, I want to try to figure out some replacement thoughts that I go to. I started cleaning oout the garage today, this a huge project that H usually does, but I decided to do it myself. This should be a good distraction.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2437155 03/11/14 01:35 AM
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I'm still giving H too much real estate in my thoughts. I need a way to stop thoughts as soon as they start.

Well you are doing pretty much well because as I say lately there is no wrong or right, so you will stop judging why he does this or that...we dont know what he thinks or feels, but as every relationship ans sitch here you have something in commom with all of us, you never know what is on the mind of the other person wink now you just have to spent time over with your feelings hehhehe hard this task but necessary in this new path of your life.
You set yourself a goal that is basically stopping yourself of feeling...would you stop yourself of breathing? No right? Well then just let the head go wherever the head wants to go and just make sure you dont act on it, that could be a more easy goal. Feelings are just feelings, I live in Ny sometimes I want to kill a taxi driver....but I accept those feelings and not act on them..thank God!!
This pain you are suffering its very necessary just learn how to live with it and not act on it, in a week you go back and think is what I was thinking last week something I am thinking the same way today? And so on untill you are pretty sure of whats going on...

Your H might seem cold and feelingless about this whole situation and maybe he is suffering terribly...or he is not, accept what you can accept and that is that he is being cold and you are not going to judge him for that, once you see yourself jidging him, step back and breath deeply, you have the right to do that.

When we receive the BD we think everything has to be resolved in a short period of time so we try to cut times and fix it right away, instead of accepting and let it happen that way because thats the way its supposed to happen and God wants to happen.

I remember when I was young and I had my first drink or took the car of my father without permission, I feel I was doing the wrong thing, and the true is that I was doing what God wanted me to do at that time, my dad accepted that I did that and didnt recriminated me for that and you know what? I stopped doing it... Other times when my father didnt accept what I did I feel frustrated and upset and did it even worse....
I am trying to show you that only when we accept what others do and accept means accept no matter the results, no matter if your H its hurting his feelings or not, its his choice and he will maybe learn from it. When we accept, the universe and our lives change drastically and so everybody around us.

Let him do whatever he wants, set boundaries so some of his choices doesnt hurt you and accept that his choices are those at that particular time.

Do you remember your first boyfriend? Do you hate him for the things he did? Or the second boyfriend or one that hurts you in the past?
Do you know why you are not affected by their actions no more? Because even if it took you time, you ended accepting their decissions even if they hurt you... So its on you to do the same, the more you choose to control and manipulate your H the more this is gonna hurt you...the more you do sandi rules like when you went shopping for dishes, the more close to other human beings and to love you will be... It sounds weird right? You tried to underestand whats going on with him, why why why why why and it didnt work.. This is my only why for you

WHY dont you do the opossite and just accept his actual choices? wink


When the student its ready, the teacher will appear...
Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
ye21 #2437818 03/13/14 01:47 AM
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Ye, thank you for reading snd commenting on my sitch. I agree with most of what you wrote. I'm trying to accept and focus on me and the person I want to be.

My D is moving on, and I'm a bit stuck in getting over wanting someone who does not want me. I actually do pretty well on a day to day basis because My H is not around, but most contact is about seperating our finances, phones etc. Or about his contacting the girls. I miss having a partner.

Having said that, I do realize that I need to be an independent person and a good roll model for my girls. I have become a better Mother, and I hope to build on that to become the best woman and Mom that I can be. I am doing the work for myself.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
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So, I really thought that I had accepted that my marriage was going to end in divorce. I realized today that the reason I get so upset when we communicate about splitting things up or changing the phone to my name, is because I had expectations that my H would "wake up" and stop this. The act of splitting stuff up is hard in-and- of itself, but there was another layer and i thought about it today.

It is hard to stop having expectations. I guess it is tied to true acceptance. It will be intersting to see when the dynamic completly changes when H "moves to Denver" April 1st. He is in no hurry to tell kids, and when we do, he will be gone. He also won't be staying in home when he comes to visit, unless I invite him. Maybe after the D acceptance will be easier. Does it get easier after D?


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2438257 03/14/14 06:01 PM
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D or no D I think the only thing that really makes any of this easier to handle and accept is time. Eventually life as it is now will feel normal and thoughts of your sitch won't be as big a focus. It just takes time unfortunately.

One of the things I really like about you is how empathetic you are of how tough it's been for your H to be away from you guys because of his work stuff. You are looking at root causes and things to improve rather than just making him out to be a bad guy. I think at one point you said you'd wished you'd been more supportive of him sooner. Him moving is a great opportunity to try something new. What can you do now to support him, even just as a friend, as he's moving? Can you use this as an opportunity to show him the support you couldn't before?

He mentioned he'd pay spousal support if you moved. Can you say that instead of moving, he's welcome to use that money to pay for flights so that you can bring the kids to him for a long weekend every so often? Tell him you can enjoy the local sites while he visits the kids. Plus you can show him you are willing to make it slightly less of a burden on him to travel back all the time.

It might involve the kids missing some activities to get away, but at least the burden of separation is being shared and your H won't feel like he's the only one giving something up to see his kids.


BD: Aug 2012
Separated since May 2013
S born Aug 2013
Aug 2013 H agrees to consider 'baby steps toward working things out'
H is/was actively seeing someone?
slow_it_down #2441952 03/30/14 02:32 PM
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Update:

It has been a few weeks since I posted. At the beginning of that time everything made me cry, commercials, families, pregnant ladies (?), things my kids said....everthing. I was like Diane Keaton's character in the movie "Somethings Gotta Give" after she breaks up with Jack Nickolson.

All three of my daughters have their birthdays at this time of the year so my H has been in town (in our house) for these days and weekends. He is here now. At first it was odd because I felt a not exactly happy but more at piece because he was here. I think it was just a feeling that this is how it should be, the crying stopped. That was about three weekends ago. We don't really talk to each other about anything except the kids. H seems happy most of the time and withdrawals other times. I have put in place boundries through actions, not words and they are for my comfort. I won't call, email, or text H except about finances or kiddos. He now does the same. I really don't even want to talk to him about what is going on in his life, I feel that he lost that right when he decided to divorce me. I will support him as the father to my children but noot as a friend.

I saw my IC last week. I was talking to her about my emotions and how I am feeling through all of this. She says that emotions are our needs that are not getting meet. At some point she had to stop and take a moment, she said "I'm sorry, I need to acknowledge some feelings that I am having, and one of those is I'm pissed". I was at first impressed that she thought about her feelings, next I laughed a little. That changed me somehow, or at least it changed how I was looking at my H and my situation. My H came. down from his pedestal right then and there. She also told me that soon I need to start living my reality because it is unhealthy to live one life to the outside world while the reality is different. She said this beacause we have not told our kids (H choice) and so I have not told too many people about the D.

I continue to try to keep a PMA in front of, and away from my H. I try to look my best and act confident that I will be ok, I will be ok. Thank you I think to 25 for posting two youtube videos, the "fake it until you become it" one has been very useful to me. I make sure to have a power pose, and feel empowered. My friend's (one of the few who know) husband even comented about how I was carrying myself differently.

My D is is still going on, we exchange financials on the 18th, so next is settlement talk, hopefully that will go well. I continue to address what I need to change about myself, not for my H or M, but just to be a better and happier person and Mother. I want to bring joy into my home, I want my children to live in and remember a happy home. I'm not there yet, but I'm trying hard.

Sorry for the long post, I have been reading everyones sitch's and all of the great advice that they have been given, I'm very thankful for all of you here that post and respond. It has helped me in so many ways.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
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Just noticed H took off his wedding ring, that hurt a bit. I don't wear mine, but it still hurt. I'm trying to feel the sadness and move on.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2441996 03/30/14 07:14 PM
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((MamaB)) Sorry. I know that hurts. It did when I saw my W without hers for the first time in 17 years (except for illness or something).


me: 47, W:49
M 16.5 years
T 17 years
Three kids - D17,D14, S13
Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13
Bomb drop 11/29/13
W moved out 12/5/13
I Retained L 2/20/14
D filed 3/17/14
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Than you Paul. I knew it was coming but.........ouch.


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H filed D 2-14-2014
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I was hoping to be more detached when he took it off. Maybe this is a good thing, stomp out any expectations that I still seem to have.


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D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
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Went out to the paint store yesterday after the no ring. I just needed space to get out emotion.

Met H and two daughters at D10 soccer game. My D's team played the number 1 team and we won 3 to 1. My D scored an amazing goal, really it was amazing (I could go on and on), so that brought us together because we were proud. It was a very physical game with the other team really pushing, my H wrote an email to our coach complaining about the other team. I normally would have expressed annoyance by this because there is nothing our coach can do. I'm the team manager and parents are crazy, so I really try not to add to the crazy. Anyway I said nothing, my H is not a reflection on me, and he felt he was doing the right thing for our D, I do believe that.

Later my D17 and her boyfriend made us all dinner, H has been very happy all weekend. I'm completly mindreading, but he seems to feel free and happy. Tonight we celebrate D9 birthday by going out to dinner. H leaves tomorrow, he will be gone for weeks and It will be easier for me to go back to detaching. Soon we will tell the girls and H will move his things to Denver. I had a dream last night that he changed his mind, even in my dream I knew I did not want to back to the old marriage, but it felt nice. I'm just rambling now, lol.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
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It hae been a little over two months since BD, and about six weeks from when my H filed D papers. I keep circling through the stages of grief. This week I havve beenretty angry and resentful. Not only for my H walking away, but for all that he did not do for our family in the past.

Normally, I would push the feelings down and away, but I'm really trying to let it all out. I think I have alot still bottled up inside of me. My IC gave me a meditation to start to d0 everyday. I plan to start doing that every morning. I'm also really scared for my financial future of basically being a single parent raising three girls. It keeps me up at night. I think that is part of my anger this week.

On a good note, I have started to redecorate, just a little. I bought a new rug and I love it, my H would not have liked it as much, but it reflects my style. All of my H stuff is still in the house, but I'm moving all his. stuff out of my closet to have more room. I don't know how long I can stay in our home, but I will make it look as I like it untill I leave.

I really want to get to the acceptance phase of this process, but I know I have so much work to do before that happens. Some days I think that
I will never make it.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2443547 04/05/14 03:41 PM
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You will make it.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Thank you labug.


M45 H46
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D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2443603 04/05/14 09:52 PM
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You will get there, Mama. Your sitch is so new, and you are on such a fast track. Grieving is hard work. Allow yourself to get through it at your own pace.

I have decided I am going to pack up all of H's stuff that he left here, and put the boxes in the garage for him. There was a time, not that long ago, that the thought of that would have made me so sad, because it was like admitting that he isn't coming back. Now I feel like it will help me to move forward.

Look back on your sitch and you will see how far you have come. It's not linear, but you will keep growing. Hang in there.

(((MamaB)))

P.S. I live in Denver, so I can give your H a swift kick in the groin if you'd like! smile


me: 44 XH: 42
M 11 years
D10 and S8
Bomb drop 9/27/13
D final 7/1/14
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^^^I agree with M You will get there. Do what YOU need to feel healthy.


me: 47, W:49
M 16.5 years
T 17 years
Three kids - D17,D14, S13
Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13
Bomb drop 11/29/13
W moved out 12/5/13
I Retained L 2/20/14
D filed 3/17/14
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Thank you Melissa and Paul, I really do appreciate the support.

I think that moving my H stuff will be good for me too Melissa, looking at his things just reminds me of him. It will be hard when he moves evertything out, but I really feel that it will help.

Yes please to the kick in the groin! That made me laugh. I love Denver and used to live there after College. It was a great time in my life, I worked Downtown and had an. awesome little apartment in Capital Hill. I met my H there, and my parents live in Colorado Springs. I have been in Austin now for 5years, and love it here.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2443727 04/06/14 08:26 PM
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Be kind to yourself MamaB, imagine what you'd say to a friend if they were in your position. There is no rush & although I know it feels like you will never get there I absolutely promise you that yo will.

Something someone said to me on here has really stuck with me "the only way through this is THROUGH it" and its true, there are no shortcuts so we just have to allow the emotions and feelings to flow and accept that each and every one of them is a sign that we are healing and moving forwards. It can be so painful at times and we feel very much like we're not getting anywhere but when you look back you will see that you are getting a little stronger with each and every day that passes.

I found packing H's stuff away really helped me, I also found putting my own stamp on things & doing some decorating helped too. I also moved some furniture around & got new bedding etc - only small things but it really helped me feel like I was moving forwards.

Your doing fab (((MamaB)))


Divorce Final: Oct 2014

Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
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Yes Upwards, that is so true about getting through it. I know I need to feel it and move through it, to get to the other side.

This past week and a half or so has been relatively good. I had some company from out of town. My cousin and her daughter came to look at a college in the area. It was a great dristaction for me and I really do see the benifits of GALing. A few hurdles I crossed were that I told her about the D. I have not told any of my cousins from that side and I had some fear about this. They are pretty close to H in that we have family reunions together. My cousin was supportive and sad for the my kids. She was also sympathetic to my H because she believed he was making a big mistake. I still have to tell the rest of that side, but it is a start.

I feel a shift in how I feel, even my IC noticed this week. I'm still struggling with the fact that my H asked for D, filed two weeks later without telling me, moved to another state and is basically leaving me to raise our children with no income. But, I'm starting to accept my new reality and I'm starting to work through my anger. I really don't think he understands what this is going to do to our girls, he still has not been able to tell them.

My STBXH alzo worked so hard this past year to disingage and withdraw from me and know he aks more like my old H. I realize this must be from relief and lack of pressure (mindreading) but it is hard for me. I need to withdraw now to protect myself. I just can't talk to H about anything other then kids or money because of the way I feel afterwards. I am better able to detach when there is no contact. He only contacts me know about kids and money and I try to respond only when I need to. I used to feel bad about this because I tbought I was coming across as punitive, but now I don't feel bad because I know I'm just protecting myself.

I'm ready for him to move all his stuff out of the house, I'm ready to move if I have to. I want to start living my reality. I still wish my H would come back and try for a new R, but the truth is, he is in no way ready for that, and I feel (right now) that he will never be ready for that.

As far as the D goes, our lawyers exchange information next week, and now the negotiations start. It may get ugly as I will fight for everything I can to provide for my kids. I hope not, but by all indications it may be a battle.

Sorry so long, I should probably post shorter posts more often. Thank you to anyone who reads, I feel better knowing there are others going through it and perhaps relating to my situation.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
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I really should proofread before I post.


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D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
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Happy Friday everyone, Happy Good Friday for those who celerbrate. The kids are out of school today and are happily chalking up my driveway as I type.

My parents are in town for the week and I have to say it feels so great to have help. I forget how that feels, just to have the coffee made in the morning is joy! My IC wants me to concentrate on feeling happiness in the moment, so I'm really trying to focus on how nice it is to have the support of my family.

This will be our first Easter without my STBX and I feel sad that this is a first of many first to come without him. I also feel relieved that he will not be here. Today was information exchange and while I'm glad that part (paperwork) is over, I still feel fear for the next steps. I'm still working on forgiveness but it is soooooo hard. When my H mentions how he desperately misses our girls, I get so mad because, yes YOU miss them, but YOU moved so stop complaining to me. I don't write that, but I want to. I truly want to believe that life will take care of my H, so that I can continue to STFU. Some days I feel resentful because I think he has gotten off the hook so easily from me.

I feel that I'm getting stronger, still working on what I need to do/change to make myself happier, more full person and Mother. I want to celebrate the Joy.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
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I think I my have just found that my H has an OW after all. I have suspected since BD, but he has always denied it very strongly, it mad him mad when I asked about it. I got the mail and was going through bills (all H's mail still comes to the house) and I saw a jewelry store charge on a credit card. H bought D17 jewelry from this store for her Birthday last month, this charge was from this month.

I don't for sure if it means anything, but I feel like I have been kicked in the gut. Aside from the fact that it is really tacky to by your D and your mistress jewelry from the same store, I'm most let down because I must have believed him at a core level. I want to trust him with basic decency and honesty but the hits keep coming. I won't say a eord, but as I'm in the middle of D proceedings, I have to keep an eye on his spending.

I wish I knew if I was handling everything in the best way possible, I'm NC for the most part, and that is to help me to detach. And also, so maybe he can feel what life will be like after D.

Ugh!! I hate all of this.......


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2447281 04/21/14 11:00 PM
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Mama, I noticed your H filed on Valentine's Day. What a butthole.

In my state, we have to wait 12 months from separation to D. How long do you have before the D could be final?


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Train #2447283 04/21/14 11:10 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 140
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MamaB Offline OP
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We only have to wait 60 days, I wish it were longer. My lawyer tells me that typically, in an easy divorce, takes about 3 to 6 months.

Yes, my H handled telling me (over the phone) and serving me in front of the kids, and dated Valentines day, pretty poorly. His sensitivity chip has malfunctioned! He still does not even realize the hurt this caused me.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2447286 04/21/14 11:29 PM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
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Oh, Mama. They've ALL lost their sensitivity chip. I'm so sorry. frown

I'm gonna be honest, and this might be an unpopular thing to say, but ...

I haven't met ONE person who's had the rug pulled out from under them so suddenly - out of seemingly NOWHERE - when an affair wasn't involved.

Getting irrefutable proof of it is another story.

I just found your sitch, I'm caught up and I'm here with you, Mama. Big hugs!


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Train #2447310 04/22/14 01:23 AM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 140
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MamaB Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 140
Thank you Train, I truly appreciate it.

I think I wanted to believe there was not OP, that he was being honest about that at least. If it is true, I am more upset about the lying (I think).

A 180 for me is that before BD, I would have been on the phone confronting him about what I found. But I have tried to really think about what this means to me, slowing down and working through my feelings. I'm sad because my H can be such a romantic, I have not be on the recieving end of that for so long now, but I remember how much thought he can put into wooing someone. I'm trying feel these things and let them pass through me.

I hope my H owns up to it one day, if true.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2447930 04/24/14 01:04 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 140
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MamaB Offline OP
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M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 140
My STBX is coming to town this weekend to see the kids. He wanted to stay here at the house, but saiid that would not be a good idea because my parents are visiting. He is in the hotel biz and his company manages a resort about an hour away. He said he would take our younger girls there for the weekend, but wanted to stay Thursday night and would leave early the next morning. I just email him that it would not be a good idea, but he could use my van for the weekend to drive to the hotel.

It is the first time I really pushed back about his staying here, I really don't want him to, but feel very guilty by saying no about it to. I still worry about what he is going to think of me, which really I should not. I'm dreading his responce. I'm confused.

Also, my 17yr old asked me if I would take him back if he asked. I had to really think about this, I told her that keeping my family together would be my priority, but he woukd have to do a lot of work on himself first and then a lot of work along with me. I may not always feel this way, and I don't see him wanting back. It seems so much easier for him just to walk away, I know that may or may not be true, but that is how it feels to me.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2448024 04/24/14 06:29 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 140
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MamaB Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 140
Well H just emailed back that he wants to stay in the home for the one night. I don't if I should hold firm or give in and just let him stay. On the one hand, he has moved to Denver and does not live here (his stuff is still here until the D is finalized) on the other hand, when does he stop staying in the house when comes to town.

He wants yo stay because he gets in late and wants to see kids in morning. The only reason he is not staying all weekend is because my parents are here, he feels he is being generous and sinsitive to that. I don't know if this is the stand I need to take.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
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