So, I really thought that I had accepted that my marriage was going to end in divorce. I realized today that the reason I get so upset when we communicate about splitting things up or changing the phone to my name, is because I had expectations that my H would "wake up" and stop this. The act of splitting stuff up is hard in-and- of itself, but there was another layer and i thought about it today.
It is hard to stop having expectations. I guess it is tied to true acceptance. It will be intersting to see when the dynamic completly changes when H "moves to Denver" April 1st. He is in no hurry to tell kids, and when we do, he will be gone. He also won't be staying in home when he comes to visit, unless I invite him. Maybe after the D acceptance will be easier. Does it get easier after D?
M45 H46 M16 yrs D17, D10, D7 DB 1-23-2014 H filed D 2-14-2014
D or no D I think the only thing that really makes any of this easier to handle and accept is time. Eventually life as it is now will feel normal and thoughts of your sitch won't be as big a focus. It just takes time unfortunately.
One of the things I really like about you is how empathetic you are of how tough it's been for your H to be away from you guys because of his work stuff. You are looking at root causes and things to improve rather than just making him out to be a bad guy. I think at one point you said you'd wished you'd been more supportive of him sooner. Him moving is a great opportunity to try something new. What can you do now to support him, even just as a friend, as he's moving? Can you use this as an opportunity to show him the support you couldn't before?
He mentioned he'd pay spousal support if you moved. Can you say that instead of moving, he's welcome to use that money to pay for flights so that you can bring the kids to him for a long weekend every so often? Tell him you can enjoy the local sites while he visits the kids. Plus you can show him you are willing to make it slightly less of a burden on him to travel back all the time.
It might involve the kids missing some activities to get away, but at least the burden of separation is being shared and your H won't feel like he's the only one giving something up to see his kids.
BD: Aug 2012 Separated since May 2013 S born Aug 2013 Aug 2013 H agrees to consider 'baby steps toward working things out' H is/was actively seeing someone?
It has been a few weeks since I posted. At the beginning of that time everything made me cry, commercials, families, pregnant ladies (?), things my kids said....everthing. I was like Diane Keaton's character in the movie "Somethings Gotta Give" after she breaks up with Jack Nickolson.
All three of my daughters have their birthdays at this time of the year so my H has been in town (in our house) for these days and weekends. He is here now. At first it was odd because I felt a not exactly happy but more at piece because he was here. I think it was just a feeling that this is how it should be, the crying stopped. That was about three weekends ago. We don't really talk to each other about anything except the kids. H seems happy most of the time and withdrawals other times. I have put in place boundries through actions, not words and they are for my comfort. I won't call, email, or text H except about finances or kiddos. He now does the same. I really don't even want to talk to him about what is going on in his life, I feel that he lost that right when he decided to divorce me. I will support him as the father to my children but noot as a friend.
I saw my IC last week. I was talking to her about my emotions and how I am feeling through all of this. She says that emotions are our needs that are not getting meet. At some point she had to stop and take a moment, she said "I'm sorry, I need to acknowledge some feelings that I am having, and one of those is I'm pissed". I was at first impressed that she thought about her feelings, next I laughed a little. That changed me somehow, or at least it changed how I was looking at my H and my situation. My H came. down from his pedestal right then and there. She also told me that soon I need to start living my reality because it is unhealthy to live one life to the outside world while the reality is different. She said this beacause we have not told our kids (H choice) and so I have not told too many people about the D.
I continue to try to keep a PMA in front of, and away from my H. I try to look my best and act confident that I will be ok, I will be ok. Thank you I think to 25 for posting two youtube videos, the "fake it until you become it" one has been very useful to me. I make sure to have a power pose, and feel empowered. My friend's (one of the few who know) husband even comented about how I was carrying myself differently.
My D is is still going on, we exchange financials on the 18th, so next is settlement talk, hopefully that will go well. I continue to address what I need to change about myself, not for my H or M, but just to be a better and happier person and Mother. I want to bring joy into my home, I want my children to live in and remember a happy home. I'm not there yet, but I'm trying hard.
Sorry for the long post, I have been reading everyones sitch's and all of the great advice that they have been given, I'm very thankful for all of you here that post and respond. It has helped me in so many ways.
M45 H46 M16 yrs D17, D10, D7 DB 1-23-2014 H filed D 2-14-2014
((MamaB)) Sorry. I know that hurts. It did when I saw my W without hers for the first time in 17 years (except for illness or something).
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
Went out to the paint store yesterday after the no ring. I just needed space to get out emotion.
Met H and two daughters at D10 soccer game. My D's team played the number 1 team and we won 3 to 1. My D scored an amazing goal, really it was amazing (I could go on and on), so that brought us together because we were proud. It was a very physical game with the other team really pushing, my H wrote an email to our coach complaining about the other team. I normally would have expressed annoyance by this because there is nothing our coach can do. I'm the team manager and parents are crazy, so I really try not to add to the crazy. Anyway I said nothing, my H is not a reflection on me, and he felt he was doing the right thing for our D, I do believe that.
Later my D17 and her boyfriend made us all dinner, H has been very happy all weekend. I'm completly mindreading, but he seems to feel free and happy. Tonight we celebrate D9 birthday by going out to dinner. H leaves tomorrow, he will be gone for weeks and It will be easier for me to go back to detaching. Soon we will tell the girls and H will move his things to Denver. I had a dream last night that he changed his mind, even in my dream I knew I did not want to back to the old marriage, but it felt nice. I'm just rambling now, lol.
M45 H46 M16 yrs D17, D10, D7 DB 1-23-2014 H filed D 2-14-2014
It hae been a little over two months since BD, and about six weeks from when my H filed D papers. I keep circling through the stages of grief. This week I havve beenretty angry and resentful. Not only for my H walking away, but for all that he did not do for our family in the past.
Normally, I would push the feelings down and away, but I'm really trying to let it all out. I think I have alot still bottled up inside of me. My IC gave me a meditation to start to d0 everyday. I plan to start doing that every morning. I'm also really scared for my financial future of basically being a single parent raising three girls. It keeps me up at night. I think that is part of my anger this week.
On a good note, I have started to redecorate, just a little. I bought a new rug and I love it, my H would not have liked it as much, but it reflects my style. All of my H stuff is still in the house, but I'm moving all his. stuff out of my closet to have more room. I don't know how long I can stay in our home, but I will make it look as I like it untill I leave.
I really want to get to the acceptance phase of this process, but I know I have so much work to do before that happens. Some days I think that I will never make it.
M45 H46 M16 yrs D17, D10, D7 DB 1-23-2014 H filed D 2-14-2014
