Sad times

[MamaB]

That is very insperational to me. I do feel that the decision to stay is the right one, and it has nothing to do with my H, and everything to with my Ds and myself.

I still feel guilty, but it is good reminder that he has to deal with his own "stuff" and choices. He is good at using my guilt against me, but I know that is really my problem. I do feel anger about his trying to bribe me to move, the only ones that hurts is our kids. Hopefully he will accept my staying and work with me in the D.

I need to stop obsessing over this, I'm going to take my Mom out to some antique stores, my GAL for today.

[MamaB]

I just scored 8 pure white heavy dishes for $24! I'm so excited about this! I just keep thinking H would be so proud of me, but whatever I'm happy. I have been looking for some like this for awhile.

[MamaB]

I just scored 8 pure white heavy dishes for $24! I'm so excited about this! I just keep thinking H would be so proud of me, but whatever I'm happy. I have been looking for some like this for awhile.

[MamaB]

H just called, I have not talked to him all week. He wanted to know about girls plans for weeken (soccer games and such.) We ended up talking a little bit about taxes and ended by verbally dividing our artwork. Most of art was given to us by friends and is very personal to both of us.

It was do surreal to have this conversation, I still can't believe we will be D soon. We were both calm and respectful, but it hurts a lot. I do so well and then things happen and I'm a crying mess. I guess this is normal. How can he be so cold about everything? All three of our Ds have their birthdays in s fes weeks, I don't know how I'm going to be strong enough through it snd act like all is well knowing that it will be the last birthday they will have when they think we are still a whole family.

[Mic]

I am beginning to believe at least for men it is all logic and no emotion. As we all know men process in different ways. For you the artwork is a culmination of your life together. For him at that exact moment it was just a business deal. Try to remember when dealing with finances that whether or not you ever get back together get as much as you can for your family. In finances do not let your emotions take over. Later he will respect you more for that and looking out for your children.
Good luck!

[MamaB]

Thanks MIC. I agree about not getting emotional about the finances, that has been hard. I may have to just let the lawyers handle some of this directly.

I do think that my H and I can divide most of our physical belongings without too much disagreement, it is just so hard to believe that it has come to this. I wish I had a time machine to go back and work on things. I was pretty proud, in retrospect, of both of us being pretty fair. My H negotiates and manages people for a living and he was managing me, but I did not let it bother me. I broke down after the call, but I'm trying to feel and let go.

H is home tonight for the weekend. It was easier when I was full of hurt/anger, I could ignore him. Now that we are interacting and talking (he is actually more polite now) it is harder to detach.

I'm so much better than a month ago, but still have so far to go. I'm going to work on being awesome over the weekend, even if I don't feel like it. We agreeed to work on our inventory lists for our lawyers so we will see how that goes.

[slow_it_down]

Try not to read too much into how he's dealing with things. He may come across as cold and uncaring, but he could just as easily be feeling like he's on a path he can't turn back from and feels like splitting things up will make him feel better. There've been times I've asked my H to pick up the last of his stuff because I thought following through would make me feel better. When the stuff was gone the pain remained.

Today he feels like dividing your artwork will get him closure, but maybe tomorrow he won't be so sure he wants a divorce. And last I checked you don't have a crystal ball, ha ha. So why are you thinking this is their last birthdays as a family? A lot can happen in a year so why not enjoy this time where he's being polite and not worry about what will happen in the future?

Stay strong this weekend. You got this MamaB!

[MamaB]

[/quote]

Today he feels like dividing your artwork will get him closure, but maybe tomorrow he won't be so sure he wants a divorce. And last I checked you don't have a crystal ball, ha ha. So why are you thinking this is their last birthdays as a family? A lot can happen in a year so why not enjoy this time where he's being polite and not worry about what will happen in the future?

Stay strong this weekend. You got this MamaB!
[/quote]


You are right, I don't have a crystal ball. Thank you for the encouragement!

The weekend went pretty well. H was not feeling well and spent most of his time upstairs. We split the girls soccer games because they were at the same time in two different places. I made dinner each night which D ate, I supported him with a disagreement with D16. We were both not overly friendly, but polite. There was no R talk or D talk, For the most part I had a very positive attitude. These weekend visits will come to an end soon as H formally live in new town by April 1st.

I'm still giving H too much real estate in my thoughts. I need a way to stop thoughts as soon as they start, That is my goal this week, I want to try to figure out some replacement thoughts that I go to. I started cleaning oout the garage today, this a huge project that H usually does, but I decided to do it myself. This should be a good distraction.

[ye21]

I'm still giving H too much real estate in my thoughts. I need a way to stop thoughts as soon as they start.

Well you are doing pretty much well because as I say lately there is no wrong or right, so you will stop judging why he does this or that...we dont know what he thinks or feels, but as every relationship ans sitch here you have something in commom with all of us, you never know what is on the mind of the other person now you just have to spent time over with your feelings hehhehe hard this task but necessary in this new path of your life.
You set yourself a goal that is basically stopping yourself of feeling...would you stop yourself of breathing? No right? Well then just let the head go wherever the head wants to go and just make sure you dont act on it, that could be a more easy goal. Feelings are just feelings, I live in Ny sometimes I want to kill a taxi driver....but I accept those feelings and not act on them..thank God!!
This pain you are suffering its very necessary just learn how to live with it and not act on it, in a week you go back and think is what I was thinking last week something I am thinking the same way today? And so on untill you are pretty sure of whats going on...

Your H might seem cold and feelingless about this whole situation and maybe he is suffering terribly...or he is not, accept what you can accept and that is that he is being cold and you are not going to judge him for that, once you see yourself jidging him, step back and breath deeply, you have the right to do that.

When we receive the BD we think everything has to be resolved in a short period of time so we try to cut times and fix it right away, instead of accepting and let it happen that way because thats the way its supposed to happen and God wants to happen.

I remember when I was young and I had my first drink or took the car of my father without permission, I feel I was doing the wrong thing, and the true is that I was doing what God wanted me to do at that time, my dad accepted that I did that and didnt recriminated me for that and you know what? I stopped doing it... Other times when my father didnt accept what I did I feel frustrated and upset and did it even worse....
I am trying to show you that only when we accept what others do and accept means accept no matter the results, no matter if your H its hurting his feelings or not, its his choice and he will maybe learn from it. When we accept, the universe and our lives change drastically and so everybody around us.

Let him do whatever he wants, set boundaries so some of his choices doesnt hurt you and accept that his choices are those at that particular time.

Do you remember your first boyfriend? Do you hate him for the things he did? Or the second boyfriend or one that hurts you in the past?
Do you know why you are not affected by their actions no more? Because even if it took you time, you ended accepting their decissions even if they hurt you... So its on you to do the same, the more you choose to control and manipulate your H the more this is gonna hurt you...the more you do sandi rules like when you went shopping for dishes, the more close to other human beings and to love you will be... It sounds weird right? You tried to underestand whats going on with him, why why why why why and it didnt work.. This is my only why for you

WHY dont you do the opossite and just accept his actual choices?

[MamaB]

Ye, thank you for reading snd commenting on my sitch. I agree with most of what you wrote. I'm trying to accept and focus on me and the person I want to be.

My D is moving on, and I'm a bit stuck in getting over wanting someone who does not want me. I actually do pretty well on a day to day basis because My H is not around, but most contact is about seperating our finances, phones etc. Or about his contacting the girls. I miss having a partner.

Having said that, I do realize that I need to be an independent person and a good roll model for my girls. I have become a better Mother, and I hope to build on that to become the best woman and Mom that I can be. I am doing the work for myself.