Sad times

[melissag]

Mama, your sitch is very very new. I hate to say this, but this is all going to be very raw for a while. I know how much this svcks, but there is nothing you can do other than to feel your feelings and keep plodding forward. Your progress won't be linear, but you will see at some point that overall, you are headed in the right direction. Here's a piece of advice I am still working on - don't be hard on yourself. It takes time to heal. I know it is frustrating how long it seems to take, but don't be hard on yourself because you are not further along in the process.

Your H has not filed yet, right? I don't know what state you are in - most of them have a waiting period of some sort. Do you know what it is in your state?

When my H BDd, he was ready to move out and get D like, right. that. minute.

I mean, he literally BDd me at 10 a.m. and wanted to tell the kids when they got home from school at 3:30 so that he could spend the night somewhere else.

Thankfully (because he either does or claims to want to put the kids first), he agreed to slow down a bit. I asked him to make an appointment to see a psych who specializes in this kind of stuff, to find out what's the best way to tell the kids, how should all of this work, etc., in order for the kids to be the least traumatized. This bought me a couple of weeks, and by then, I had been DBing for a while, and things started to get better at home. Once my H didn't feel so trapped, the urgency in leaving and getting D ASAP subsided. Yes, he did still move out, but it was six weeks later. And yes, he does still want to get D, but he waited four months to bring it up again. So no, my story is not going to end the way you want yours to, but at least I was able to buy some time to get through those first few months, which I think (hope) are the hardest emotionally. I am MUCH stronger now and better able to make these kinds of decisions.

If your H is pushing things along too quickly, you should talk to him and ask him to please slow down. That making rash decisions will be good for no one, and that you need to be in a better state of mind to be making decisions that will impact not only you, but your children, for a long time to come.

Don't worry about the financial side of this (or anything else in the future for that matter) right now. Right now, just focus on taking care of yourself, and getting through this incredibly difficult emotional crisis. There will be time for the rest later, I promise!

[labug]

I talk about that history because I kept thinking things would get better once he gained confidence in his job. This was probably mind reading on my part. I have come to the realization that I do this alot, and not just with my husband.

:)Those of us who like to control, do that a lot. It's the only way we can actually control others , we make it up what they're thinking.

So enough talk about him, what about you? What do you like about your M, what didn't you like?

What do you know you need to change to have a great R?

[Breakdown]

My H was never very specific with what I was doing wrong during the M.

Yes, but most of us already know....we just have to have the courage to look.

What I would have changed in myself was to be more physically affectionate to my H and to be more present in our relationship.

Why more physically affectionate? Is this something he complained about, or something you were unhappy with? What does "be more present" mean?

I would have made sure that we took the time to nurture our relationship as husband and wife.

How? What would that look like?

[Brian in Hville]

You will get to that part where the cloud over your happiness will go away. One of the things I learned early going through my sitch is a motto I still use to this day. "Happiness is a choice. It's something I choose everyday!". Happiness truly is a choice. It becomes more then just words once you realize that you can only worry about the things you control. You can't control your H or the feelings/desires he has. All you can control is you. Once I understood that and started following it, I understood that I can choose to be happy, or let others dictate my mood and be miserable.

So, what are you doing for YOU through this? I know it's hard to stay busy being the mother of 3 kids. You need to make sure you make some time for yourself. Maybe ask the 16YO to babysit and you go out with some girlfriends.

Brian

[MamaB]

Labug, the things I liked about my marriage were that we were a family. I liked supporting my H through his job rise, he has found great success and I was a part of that. I liked feeling that I also had someone that was there for me. I love our family, watching the kids play soccer, going out as a family of 5, having dinner together and talking about our day..... etc.

The things I did not like was lack of affection and intimacy. I felt lonely a lot of the time and I did feel under appreciated because I did not work outside of the home. The care of the children fell 95% to me. All homework, teachers, doctors, practices, rides were things that my H did not have time to help with, but he supported us financially and he resented that.

Breakdown,

My H never mentioned the lack of affection, but I think (trying not mind read) he would have liked more from me. For example, before he withdrew, when he would come home from work and kiss me hello, I would offer up a cheek. I was usually in the middle of making dinner. What I should have done was stop, give my H a kiss and acknowledge that I was happy he was home. This goes with being "more present" I should have taken the time to make him feel welcome.

The lack of intimacy and sex was more my H. He had a very low sex drive, this really started whenever I was pregnant and just lasted. This led to me feeling hurt, and I was not as comfortable with showing affection. I do regret that we did not nurture our relationship as a couple over our relationship as parents. We did not go out with just the two of us that often, and we should have made our marriage more of a priority.

Thank you Brian, for the reminder about happiness being a choice, I tell this to my children all the time. I know this is so new and raw, and I have to feel my feelings, but I need to get to a better place so that I can think more clearly.

My H came home last night after two weeks away. I can't even look at him or talk to him. I just feel so hurt and disappointed with his decision and that he told me over the phone. I know not being able to face him is about my ego. My ego is getting in my way of communicating with him. I know this, but I can't seem to get over it or get out of my own way.

Also I have been thinking about detachment, I'm so far from detached. I have downloaded and started to read the codependent book that was recommended to Melissa , and I'm very much enmeshed in my H life. Also, I think maybe in my kids lives as well. Their victories are my victories, their struggles are my struggles. I have lost myself over time.

[MamaB]

My H just took my girls away for the day/night. It is the first time they have gone away without me, I'm crushed. I know I'm going to have to get used to it, but this is really hard. I'm angry that he is choosing this for our children without ever trying to talk to me or trying anything to save our marriage. I wonder if he will ever regret that.

[melissag]

Mama, I'm sorry. I know how much it svcks. I hate that my H takes my kids away too. I'll be honest, though. Having a little time to myself actually helps me have a better R with my kids. When we are together it's more quality time. And because I am taking better care of myself, I have more patience with them. Do something for yourself with this time. Go to a yoga class. Meet up with a friend. Take a bubble bath. Read a book and have a glass of wine. Or whatever makes you feel good.

I am angry with my H too, for similar reasons. Who knows whether they will ever regret it. The important thing is to make sure that you never regret the way you handled it.

(((( ))))

[MamaB]

You are right Melissa, this is especially true:

" Who knows whether they will ever regret it. The important thing is to make sure that you never regret the way you handled it".

I'm really trying to (and struggling with) handle things with dignity, thank you for your words. I know this is my new reality, and I need to except it.p

I did go to the movies today, I saw "August, Osage County". I also watched "Blue Jasmine " at home, I'm trying to see all the oscar nominated movies. Those are the only two I have had time to see, so that is a small goal. I think @American Hustle" will be next.

[willbwell]

hi MamaB, just checking in, saying hello. I too was a SAHM. Since BD, I have gone back to school. I am in a 12 month certificate program which will enable me to get a job.
It has not been easy, but taking classes has helped me thru this process.
I have to study so less time to focus on/worry about h.
I still do it of course.
I supported h thru his career rise. I thought we had a deal...h went to work, I did the kids and home. I thought we had a pretty good thing.
Glad you are watching the Oscar movies!
take care of yourself and your girls.

[MamaB]

Thank you for checking in will well. I thought the same thing, that we had a good partnership. Good for you for taking classes. I have been thing about this as well. I need to figure out if I can afford the classes, but I would I love to do it.