Hi MamaB. I am so sorry that you found yourself here. I am not sure where you are located, but do you know the requirements to obtain a D where you live (or where your H may file). I know that in my state, you cannot obtain a D until you have been separated for a year. So even if my H had pushed to move things along quickly, nothing would be official for a year. I would tell your H that you need some time to think. In the meantime, I would reach out to an L for a consultation just to see what your options are. It will give you some piece of mind moving forward if you know what you are facing and what to look out for.
Keep posting. You will find a lot of great advice on these boards.
Hi mamab all good advice.. from the others plus remember the only one who controls you is you.. The strange thing is that all the WAS say the same things, act almost the same way, make the LBS feel the same way and you are not going crazy and it is horrible and you may think it won't get better but you do get stronger..
also takes 2 to spoil a M. I spent a couple of months blaming me and apologising..then when I finally said Hey this was not just me, I am not so bad.. I felt stronger and when I actually said the same to him he was stunned..
The 37 points are so so so true they make you apppear and feel positive and in control...they are counterintuitive but they work... There are good people here they offer excellent advice that leaves your self concept and image in goood shape.. I think we all want that at the end of the day..
Thank you all for your replays. It means so much to read them! I will apologize in advance because I'm having trouble with quoting others posts on my IPad.
Threeboyzmom I met with a lawyer last week and I walked out even more scared for the future. My state is not very progressive when it comes to spousal support, as well as the amount of child support. Even though I do meet most of the criteria for spousal support, the attorney pretty much said not to count on it, or just a small amount. I'm coming from a low level of my hierarchy of needs. I'm worried the basic needs of my children and myself.
@breakdown. I'm absolutely mind reading, I need to stop. I find that I'm trying to fill in the blanks for why this is happening.
My H has been away and he will come home for a few days on Wednesday. We have not talked on the phone since he told me he wanted a D last Thursday. We have emailed, and we did write briefly about how we each saw our relationship. I did tell him my view, but I know it really does not matter to him right now. I have read the 37 rules and will apply them. Right now I really don't want to talk to or see him at all. I need to detach, detach, detach but I just don't know how.
@loualea thank you for post, it made think.
M45 H46 M16 yrs D17, D10, D7 DB 1-23-2014 H filed D 2-14-2014
The H emailed me today that he cares about me and wants me to have a life more alined to who I am.......what? He also says hat he just wants to work together and be friends raising our children.
I want to get to a place where we can be friends if that is what it takes to be good parents, but he does not feel like my friend right now. I need to except that this is his reality and I'm just his friend who raises his children.
Also, he is a Seahawks fan, is it wrong that I really wanted them to lose?
M45 H46 M16 yrs D17, D10, D7 DB 1-23-2014 H filed D 2-14-2014
"I want to, at he very least, be friends with you."
"We need to be friends and then see where that leads."
"I want you to be happy, and you deserve someone who can give you what you are looking for."
"I enjoy spending time with you and I want to have a relationship with you."
But also, he wants a D.
I kind of wonder if they just say this crap bc it helps to assuage their guilt. Either that, or they really are that selfish that they want to be rid of the parts of the M they don't like (the obligations, basically), but still expect us to be their "friend."
Ha ha, no, it's not wrong of you to want his team to lose (then again, I'm a Broncos fan so a bit biased), but it won't really make your life any better to know he is unhappy, will it? OK, well maybe for a moment, but in the grand scheme of things, not really.
Your H thinks he has things all figured out. You don't. And don't expect yourself to. for right now, follow the 37 rules, and focus on taking care of yourself and living your life one day at a time.
I agree with 3bm, you don't have to do everything on your H's timetable. Tell him that you need some time to process this.
Keep posting, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. It does get better.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Thank you Melissa, one very positive thing about reading your thread and others is that I don't feel quite as alone. It gives me some comfort to know that other WAS have the same verbiage and feelings.
I have not seen my H since he told me he wanted a divorce. He travels for work and will be back for a few days on Thursday. We have emailed and texted. He has retained a lawyer using his bonus money that he just received. I think he was waiting for the bonus before proceeding with the divorce. I don't even know how I'm going to act around him, although I have now read DR and will work on the LRT. It is hard for me to act "as if" at this point so I think the best thing is to stay out of the way. He wants to continue staying at the house when he is in town until the divorce is final.
I have been thinking about looking into a divorce support group in my area, and trying to come up with other GAL activities.
M45 H46 M16 yrs D17, D10, D7 DB 1-23-2014 H filed D 2-14-2014
Mama, yes. You need to GAL like mad. Do you exercise? If yes, do it more. If not, get started. It's huge. A support group would be wonderful. Do you have girl friends you can go out with? Even just going to lunch is great. Keep doing things with your kids, don't isolate yourself, and try not to focus on your H and what he is doing or thinking. (I know, that's really hard.)
Keep reading other people's threads - as labug said the other day, there are many success stories on this board . . . and most of them are when the M is not saved. You will be OK. You will be better than OK.
Stay strong!!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
We have emailed, and we did write briefly about how we each saw our relationship. I did tell him my view, but I know it really does not matter to him right now
What was his view?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I'm sorry this is happening to you. You are in the right place to find support and advice on how to handle things. Based on your posts, I assume you are a stay at home mom? If that is the case, you definitely need to see a lawyer to make sure he doesn't leave you high and dry financially. You may not think he is that way but when they get like this, you don't know what is going on with them. I also want to suggest getting separate attorneys. If you share one, they can ONLY REPRESENT ONE PARTY. Since he hired them, then he is the client and will try to do what in his best interest. If you didn't like what you heard from the lawyer you visited, talk to another one to verify what he said. From this point forward, you need to think about you and your children. You control the pace this proceeds. Don't let him scare you into doing something quickly. Let him do the work on the divorce. You do the work you have to do to get you to a happy place. Going through the DB steps won't guarantee things will work out. There are MANY success stories. Some are from the marriage surviving and prospering, others are from the spouse (you) being able to get through this a better and happier person in the end. Things are scary right now. It might even get worse. But you have trust that going through DBing, you WILL make it through this and be happy again (either with him or without). Use this board as your punching bag. Tell us your thoughts, yell/scream/cuss...do it all here and not at him. Come here with your ideas so we can give you our opinion if it would be beneficial/destructive to your situation. We are here for you.
His view is that we do not have anything in common: politics, tv shows, movies, etc. These are his examples, he also said that about a year ago he realized that every conversation we had ended in an arguement. He is not at all specific with me about anything else. We have always had different views and some different interests, but it has not been an issue for 16 years (it seemed). And last year was a tough time because that is when my H got his promotion and he was under a great deal of stress.
My H has a little bt of a history of withdrawling because of job stress. Way back in the beginning of our relationship, H started a new business and could not handle a relationship and his work, so we broke up and got back together 8 months later (we where just dating), he also withdrew after our first child was born and we moved closer to family.
I talk about that history because I kept thinking things would get better once he gained confidence in his job. This was probably mind reading on my part. I have come to the realization that I do this alot, and not just with my husband.
Brian, thank you so much for your post. It really made me tear up because I do feel suddenly alone with all of this and I really appreciate your words. I am a stay at home mom, and have left most of the money decisions up to my H, I completly trusted him. I am very scared of the financial end of this. It is making it hard to try to process the emotional side of losing my husband because I‘m in survial mode. My H is moving at full speed and I'm fighting the urge to fall into the habit of deffering to him.
Sorry for the long post, I also want to note that my oldest got her braces off today, and while I'm so happy for her, it still had a cloud over the happiness. I really want this part to stop, I want to get to a place where it will.
M45 H46 M16 yrs D17, D10, D7 DB 1-23-2014 H filed D 2-14-2014
