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#2425538 01/24/14 05:04 PM
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MamaB Offline OP
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Hello all,

My husband told me yesterday that he wants a divorce, I'm a mess. I have been married 16 years and have three children. He first told me he thought we should live separately in September, but did not mention it after that until I brought it up again in December and he said that we had nothing in common. I actually thought things were getting better, until yesterday.

My husband travels most days for his job. Some background, he got a promotion in another city which would require us to move. We have an older child in high school and we agreed to stay in our current city for a year and then our child could stay her last year of high school with a friend, and the rest of us would move to the new city. This was hard on my H and he withdrew from me (it has been a year now) he says he is struggling with everything. I so wish I could go back in time and change my actions to his struggle. I also wish that i could change so many things that has led up to today in our marriage.

I did not handle the news yesterday very well, he is out of town and told me over the phone. He has already consulted a lawyer. After he told me I had to pick up younger kids and run around town for a bit. I tried to keep it together for the kids but did cry a little in front of them, I told them I read something sad. My H called to talk to kids but I said no, not to punish him, but because I would have really lost it to hear them ask him when he is coming home. I will never do this again, I just needed to keep myself together. He emailed me that it upset (I completely understand why!) and I feel terrible about it. I did not reply to the email, but will have the kids call H.

H wants to still leave oldest here and have the rest of us move to the new city, but divorce and live in two homes. I don't want to leave my child to go through this by herself, and they have stability here. Iim still processing but will see a lawyer because H seems pretty clear about what he wants. I'm a little worried because I found this forum a few weeks ago and he mentioned seeing the site on my iPad, not sure how investigative he was, but given these get ails he will know it is me, I hope he does not look as I need an outlet and advice.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2425970 01/27/14 03:44 AM
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Hi Mama. Welcome to the site. So sorry you are going through this too. I would definately recommend
1. Take a deep breathe
2. Don't make any big decisions yet-this is all new
3. Read DB then reread it again and again
4. Read through others' posts for insight and perspective

Hang in there and keep posting smile


M-38;H38
M15
D13 & D7
BD 3/2012


GotoGirl #2425977 01/27/14 04:59 AM
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Hi MamaB. I am sooooo sorry you are here. Many of us can empathize with what you are going through. We know how hard it is. Please know, it does get better.

Spend some time reading through some threads. There are a lot of great folks here all going through similar circumstances. Some have successfully reconciled with their spouses, some are moving forward with their own lives while their M status is uncertain; and some have lived through divorce. Most of us who have been here even a few months have grown a LOT, and we have all survived. You will too.

What were your H's complaints about the M?

Is your H having an affair? You didn't say that, but is there any chance he is?

Mama, don't make any big decisions right now. Give yourself a bit of time to recover emotionally. Take care of yourself. See a lawyer so you can find out what your rights are. But don't DO anything with respect to your M right now.

You will get a ton more advice here, I know.

If you are still on moderation, keep posting and you will be off before you know it!

Hang in there.


me: 44 XH: 42
M 11 years
D10 and S8
Bomb drop 9/27/13
D final 7/1/14
MamaB #2426015 01/27/14 01:21 PM
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It will get better but you're in for lots of ups and downs. Just to prepare you.

Quote:
H wants to still leave oldest here and have the rest of us move to the new city, but divorce and live in two homes. I don't want to leave my child to go through this by herself, and they have stability here.


You don't have to do anything right now, including worry about that.^^^ Your H is figuring out everyone's role in his fantasy. Let him just enjoy that for now.

Don't agree to anything, don't disagree. Just listen.

Read the books, start a journal, take a yoga class. Make a list of 5 goals, GAL.

One of your goals ;), make a sig with the bones of your sitch, ages, years married, kid's ages, etc. It helps us stay on track. Click on My Stuff (above) then Edit Profile.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2426054 01/27/14 04:15 PM
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Thank you all for your replays. I'm trying to breathe, my head is still spinning with all of this.

Melissa, my H says that we just have nothing in common and can't agree on anything, and he wants to give the children a better example of a healthy marriage (This last part is something I said to him months ago). Leading up to a year ago, before my H got the promotion, we both seemed to neglect the needs of each as a couple. My husband has been sleeping on the couch for years, he says that it is because he likes to watch TV to fall asleep, and I sleep with a fan on and he never liked that. Even though that was his choice, he mentioned that when he told me about the D. He really was not too specific. He says that he is not having any type of affair, however it would not surprise me.

I have not talked much with my H since Thursday, I just can't seem to get in a place to have a productive conversation, I know that I need to soon. My Mother flew in on Friday for a visit and my Father is coming next weekend, this was a planned visit because my oldest D is in a play next week. My H stayed out of town (he said to be respectful) but did stop by yesterday to get some clothes and to spend time with the kids. We arranged a way where we would not have to see each other yet.

My parents are devastated and angry. I'm actually calmer at this point and I do try to point out how lost my H must be to do this. I have asked that he not come around next weekend while my family is here, I just do not know what will happen with my family and my H. I also asked him to tell me what is a good time for the kids to call him each day during the week so that he does not have to email me to have them call him (he again says that he has been doing that to be respectful to me.) I think that those two request have made him angry.

It has only been 4 days but feels like months to me. I will get the books and a few others I have read about here.

Labug, thank you for the information on how to update my signature, I will try to figure this site out! I need to just listen to my H, I need to get past my hurt and anger and listen.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2426168 01/27/14 09:14 PM
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Welcome MamaB. I'm sorry you find yourself here, but it truly is a great place for support given your sitch.

Have you read DB/DR yet? Start there...it will help you start to process some things and give you some ideas on what you should and shouldn't be doing.

This is an extremely tough time, and while your immediate reaction is to "fix it," there's no quick fix. It's going to take a lot of time, so try to remain calm, breath, and start GAL.

What are the things your H has complained about in the past? What are the things you don't like about the role you've played in the M?


Originally Posted By: MamaB
I also wish that i could change so many things that has led up to today in our marriage.


Like what?

Originally Posted By: MamaB
My H called to talk to kids but I said no, not to punish him, but because I would have really lost it to hear them ask him when he is coming home. I will never do this again, I just needed to keep myself together.


I am glad you realize this was wrong. The last thing you want to do is get between your H's and children's relationship.

Originally Posted By: MamaB
H wants to still leave oldest here and have the rest of us move to the new city, but divorce and live in two homes.


What do you think is best for you? You need to start thinking in these terms.


M:44 W:42
M:15
S:19, D:16, S:14, D:12, S:6
BD: 2/14/11
D Final: 6/25/13
Breakdown #2426243 01/28/14 01:09 AM
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Thank you for the reply Breakdown. My H was never very specific with what I was doing wrong during the M. What I would have changed in myself was to be more physically affectionate to my H and to be more present in our relationship. I would have made sure that we took the time to nurture our relationship as husband and wife.

Also, I would have been working on GALing, for myself and ultimately being a happier person. I have been a SAHW for about 10 years. In order to grow my husband career, we had to move to different states every two or so years. I was home with kids and found it hard to have deep connection with people as you get older and you know you have to leave.

We have been in this last city longer then any other in the last 10 years, and I was sad to leave again when my H got his promotion a year ago. I was always very good at building up my H in his job, I had so much confidence in him and would always remind him of how accomplished he was when he became insecure. I should have built him him up more this last time as we'll, but I was sad and there is the issue of my oldest D.

She has had to move schools soooo many times and she is very involved in her schools drama department. Her HS school has an amazing program and this is something she can get scholarships for college. My H and I agreed for us to stay in this city for the year and move the next, leaving her to stay for her senior year. About half way through he wanted us to move because he was feeling pressure to be in new city. I really stressed to stay for the year to get my D closer to graduation. I mention this because this last year is when my H really withdrew and I became invisible to him. I tried to talk to him about it which lead to not talking to him and being distant with him as well.

I have been (unknowingly) applying 180's since September, I just felt that it was probably a drag to come home to a distant wife. But I think I was making it harder for H to push for D. Now I need to get past my hurt and anger. I need to start communicating. I have to figure out how I'm going to be in the same room with him and how to co-parent. I still seem to be in denial. Sorry so long, it was to give background.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
Breakdown #2426551 01/28/14 11:23 PM
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Posts: 140
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My H just emailed me that he would like me to work with a shared attorney or mediator to save money. He said that he can't make me but would be better for the kids. It is happening so fast. I still can't believe it. It has not even been a week. I'm hiding in the bathroom crying because I have to be ok for the kids. I hate that he wants this so fast and seems so calm and ok and I'm a mess.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2427324 01/31/14 04:15 PM
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I'll circle back when I have more time and provide some more feedback, but in the short term, there's no hurry. He may be wanting to push it, but just let him drive. When he asks you, simply say you're still thinking about it or you need some more time. It will only go as fast as you let it.

And try not to mind read. He may seem calm, but you have no idea what's going on in his head.


M:44 W:42
M:15
S:19, D:16, S:14, D:12, S:6
BD: 2/14/11
D Final: 6/25/13
MamaB #2427345 01/31/14 04:41 PM
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Hi mama B. Welcome. I am sorry to find you here. Like others have said, try to slow it down. your situation is very young. You don't need to do anything right away. Just take care of your kids. Try not to bring up the situation to your H if you can. read Sandi's rules in this forum. they help ALOT.

go out and find a way to get active. Go to the gym or just walk it off. It will help a lot.

keep posting and reading. you'll be surprised what you learn smile


me: 47, W:49
M 16.5 years
T 17 years
Three kids - D17,D14, S13
Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13
Bomb drop 11/29/13
W moved out 12/5/13
I Retained L 2/20/14
D filed 3/17/14
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