Oh dear, my old thread locked up. Sorry Job! Thank you all for your replies; I will try to consolidate them in a post soon. But in the meanwhile, here is my song for my new thread, a song that Portia and I have been singing about our selves, right Portia?
My new mantra: "I'm saving all my loving for someone who's loving me" and with whom I do NOT have to STFU!
"I will Survive"
It took all the strength I had not to fall apart Just trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart
And I spent oh so many nights just feeling sorry for myself I used to cry but now I hold my head up high And you see in me, somebody new I'm not that chained up little person still in love with you And so you felt like dropping in and just expect me to be free but now I'm saving all my loving for someone who's loving me
Oh now go, walk out the door Just turn around now cause you're not welcome anymore Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye? Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down and die?
Oh no not I, I will survive Oh as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive I've got all my life to live and I've got all my love to give and I'll survive...I will survive
Happy new year. I too have been reading up and have been very inspired by your bravery and positive attitude.
Hugs and love to you
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Who would of thought that would be my song some 30 yrs ago,but it has helped me so so much since I have been on this journey, I read here alot dont post much but just had to let you know this song is so on the money for me...... So sorry you find yourself in here after all those years of marriage,but my Mom had a saying in spanish "nadien se va de esta vida sin pagar lo que se debe........and I have seen it time and time again. Basically it means no oneleaves this earth without gettingpaid back for the wrongs that they have done
Linda, you're going to do great. You made a tough decision, but you took the time to think it through and state your boundaries.
Your h is crazy right now and not thinking clearly. Let him figure out how to get to Russia and take care of himself. As a fellow "fixer", I understand that you want to make sure he has a place to stay, etc., but he made his choice and he needs to deal with the consequences.
You are so very strong and all of us are here for you. And just think how great it'll be to come home and not have to worry what some crazy guy is up to in your living room. And no more booties or disgusting food in the kitchen!
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
Oh Linda, I know you have thought long and hard about this. Your H was not nice to you and I know you have given this your all. I just caught up on your thread and it seems as though a lot happened in a short amount of time.
I am in the same situation except H is filing this month. Things just are not getting better and everything is still my fault. He is ready to file again and I am ready as well. The holidays were still very tough.
I am still committed to not date until the divorce is done. I just feel it is the right thing. I think because if anything should happen and my h would wake up I don't know what I would do so I think it is just better this way.
I am still baffled how your H thinks an r with RT will work. I agree with someone above that to her, he is only good for a green card. I also can't understand what he saw appealing his last trip to russia but they are not normal right now.
You are a very strong woman with so many of us that are here for you. I know you will be fine and someday you will find someone that will appreciate you. That is what I believe. This is all part of God's big plan.
I think it will be difficult for both of us at first because we both have long marriages, mine not as long as yours but still long.
This was a tough decision for you but I have so much faith that you will be just fine. I'm so proud of you for how you have handled yourself throughout.
I hope you take the help that your friends offer you. My friends in my town have been wonderful. Many of them having gone through similar situations and know that I gave it my all.
Hugs to you Linda!!
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
Update! I decided to handle our divorce as H is very agreeable, and we can do an uncontested divorce in NY for about $500 if we agree to all the stipulations. He insists that he wants an amicable divorce, so I went down to the county clerk while he's in a good mood, and filed on Monday. S28 served H yesterday.
An uncontested divorce filed this was is supposed to only take 4 to 12 weeks. H has told me that the Russian will be coming over here to NY for 2 weeks again this March, and that they hope that he will be able to return with her to Moscow. And Wonka -- get this -- the Russian got a new apartment and wants H to go and spackle and paint it for her. OMG! All I could think of was you predicting that when he told me, and could barely keep from laughing!
Ellie, I have been thinking about what you and FY said on my last thread, about me re-writing my marital history. I have been really really thinking about the past 38 years. And FY, no, it truly WAS like that. My H and I loved each other, still love each other, and had a mostly normal, happy marriage for 33 years with the normal ups and downs (these past 5 MLC years have been a killer, but that was due to the MLC). My H made me feel loved, but he never made me feel beloved. There is a difference, I know, because I cherished him.
I don't know if I will ever have another relationship, but if so, it will be with someone who will cherish me. Who will actually be interested in what I have to say and will think I'm swell! Maybe that sounds conceited or something, but I'd rather live alone than be under a man's thumb ever again. And Ellie, dating a man 7 years younger! You are my hero, and role model, you give me hope!
I have my next eye surgery this evening, hopefully the last one. My surgeon says that this laser surgery "works" in most of cases like mine, where the lens replacement failed, but if not, he'll be taking me back to the operating room. AND he says that it is just younger patients who needed a lens implant for some reason who develop this problem, which made me feel good until I realized most of his patients are probably 80! I will have to wear those stupid cataract glasses again that make me look like the human fly. But hopefully this will be the end of 5 months of living with blurred vision. Prayers would be appreciated.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
RL, Good luck w/your surgery today. I hope that your vision is corrected this time for you. It's been a long, bothersome road for you.
As for your h, I about died laughing about the new apartment, spackling, etc. RT has her own slave and he's too stupid to see what she's doing, i.e., using him for all he's worth. Gotta love it and yet feel sorry for the man because life as he knew it will never be the same.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Wow....what a sea change from a few months ago when you worried yourself sick about H flying to Russia!
Honey, I give H and RT 3 months in Moscow before he comes back to the States with the tail under his legs. Too funny! Again, enforce your boundary of not having the RT come near your house or step inside it when she comes to the States in March. Make sure this is spelled out clearly to H.
I can't imagine having your own son serving H with the papers. Crazy!! What they must feel about this latest development from loopy-doopy de do H?
Hope the surgery is a success this time around for you.
Wow Rl. I can't believe what I just read. Add a tally mark for me too under Wonka's prediction. I'm not even sure they will make it 3 months. Where is he getting all of this money for travel? I hope you're not paying for it.
Count me in too for a prayer that your surgery goes well. This is going to be a good year for your RL. You deserve it.
Finally, you will find someone who will cherish you because you deserve it. Even when H was not nice you showed him that you would not stoop to his level. Settle for nothing less. I am convinced there are wonderful people out there looking for people just like all of us.
Good luck tonight!!!
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
That was just beautiful. What else to say? You simply must write a book about your experience! I'd read it, and it would be so inspirational to the many who find themselves in similar situations. You have such a way with words.
Hi Linda, thanks for the update, I'm so glad to hear you are doing so well.
The DB vets always told us there would be no question once we were done, and this certainly held true for you.
You have a heart of gold and WILL find a man who truly loves you. Don't tell Ellie, but for some reason I'm predicting he will be 8 years younger than you.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
RL you are a cool, smooth lady. All the best with your eye surgery.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Thanks for your good wishes everyone. Bright, Job, Wonka, Complicated, MileHigh! Angela, Nero, Busting, Ruby, Forever! And Cadet, so nice to hear from you! I am so so sorry for neglecting all of your threads. Really sorry, you are all such loyal friends, and I love you all so much.
The laser surgery was a success! I can see clearly out of my left eye for the first time in 5 months. Just a mild ache and lots of floaters, but the surgeon said that's normal. He is quite the master of understatement. Told me I would feel "A" twinge, and then shot my eye with his laser 30 times. He forgot to mention the other 29 twinges. Lucky they strap your head firmly to the laser LOL or I would have run out of the room!
So nice to hear from you Wonka! Thanks for starting that new thread, you are such a comfort and excellent resource to everyone. It WAS so strange for my son to serve his dad with the divorce papers, but he volunteered to do it. H told him that it is just a formality. S28 keeps giving me hugs and has been so great throughout this whole ordeal.
Cadet, H and I came to an agreement beforehand, that he would keep his 401K so he has something to live on in Moscow, and I will keep the house. His OW tried to rile him up and wanted him to sue me for the value of my law degree, but he backed right down. He planned to go stay at his mom's house, but she gave him a hard time LOL, so he asked if he could stay here until he moves to Moscow in March. He promised to complete all of his MLC projects he started, like the never-ending fence and living room flooring. According to the court website, not only is filing for divorce this way a kazillion times cheaper than using attorneys, it waives the 70 day waiting period. But both parties have to agree on all of the stipulations, and there can't be other issues, like child support. Pretty sweet I think.
Thanks Complicated, I hope you are right, that there are people out there looking for people like us. There should be, right? We are loyal and loving and know all about love languages, and can validate the paint off a wall by now. But even if there are not, being alone will be better than living will all this pain, for me now, anyway.
I do not advocate that anyone stops standing until you are really really sure. Forever, you are SO right, it IS just like the vets promised, that when you are done, you'll know it. There will be no doubt in your mind. Until then, bust on, the process really really works!
And FY, a fella eight years younger would be just perfect, thank you very very much LOL! You guys are the best.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
'' do not advocate that anyone stops standing until you are really really sure. Forever, you are SO right, it IS just like the vets promised, that when you are done, you'll know it. There will be no doubt in your mind. Until then, bust on, the process really really works!''
Yes, Linda! The process works for US!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
RL I am happy to hear the surgery went well :-) your post made me think of the song ' I can see clearly now the rain is gone... ' in so many more ways than just your eye surgery!
I love the lessons and life skills we have learned on this site.
I said this before and I want to say it again... You are a cool lady. I love reading your posts and admire you very much. I have a lot to learn from you. I wish you happiness and love.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I'm very glad to read that your surgery was a success this time around.
As for your h, I'm glad he's going to complete all of those MLC projects before he heads off to Russia.
Take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Job! well that's his plan, anyway. We'll see. He might get MLC-distracted by something else first. But I figured it would be worth it to have him stay here and do the fence especially. Although I guess I could always hire some handy man to put up the last 4 or 5 sections LOL.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
I do not advocate that anyone stops standing until you are really really sure. Forever, you are SO right, it IS just like the vets promised, that when you are done, you'll know it. There will be no doubt in your mind. Until then, bust on, the process really really works!
A divorce has nothing to do with standing IMHO.
Glad it all is working out RL as far as the paperwork goes, heck with him out of the house you will find it much easier to move forward too! AND DETACH!
And so thrilled to hear you sounding so good. I love the fact that we can validate paint off a wall now. Never really looked at it that way!
My bets are that you will be snapped up by some awesome man who you deserve in no time at all, if that is what you want. right now, I know you just want the fence finished!
Never know, maybe you'll get two for one! And maybe he will be ten years younger.
RL, I’m so happy that your surgery was successful. You do sound very different these days. You are doing this with such a grace. It is wonderful that you get so much support from your son and MIL. She probably gave him a hard time in her house because she didn’t like him talking to RT. I just hope that you can get the things done before she comes in March. I’m afraid that she might want him to get more out of D then you agreed on.
You are awesome. You deserve better than you’ve been getting for the last 5 years.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
catching up, gosh I hope I get there and as graceful as you! You are an inspiration. Will look forward to the greatness your future holds!
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Was driving home about 9 last night from a friend's house in a beach town. Was stopped at a light, handsome young white guy with dreadlocks (prob mid-late 20's) comes walking across the crosswalk, turns to me and yells "You're beautiful!".
Of course, it was too dark for him to see my crow's feet lol! Still, made my day
Just read your update on the alt. and to comment that yes they are crazy.
Your stbxh is very confused, he is moving to Moscow but to live in his own apartment. And his girl friend is moving to florida but it is too hot there for your husband.
Well she can keep my ex company since she is moving to florida too......
I dont know what makes them see the light at the end of the tunnel, they really seem to be happier escaping and avoiding and running away.
Ellie, if you would be so kind as to saunter over to WH's thread and give her some pointers on Roku set up as she's wanting to save money on "bundling services." Thanks much!
just checkin in- usual S show here. don't have much- just wanted to say hello and hope eye and things are going well.
you know my opinion of Florida - something about hot weather attrcts all the nuts and criminals & scammers. something about the heat maybe - makes it seem like "livin is free" or something"
i honestly don't know- it's a weird society compared to good old, steady, traditional values in NJ. give me the northeast any old time. everyone i know up here is married for a million years and still together. everyone i know down there is divorced - at least once ... it is a different world honestly (me being a crank about it aside). too much money, too much crime, too much big poverty, too much nudity, too much nite life & alternative life(style)too much vanity- too much envy & jealosy, too much social competition, too much "vacation sex" mentality- , etc. i guess. all of that really- who can know- alot of people who just want to chuck "reality" of their home states and live somewhere "free" and "fun" alllllll the time. come for vacation and just stay- maybe that's it- makes people think they're livin on fantasy island and there's no price to pay for immorality??
Hey, just wanted to check in and see how you were doing.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
Just a quick update. I have been following a lot of your threads, and posting on a few, but have not really updated my own in months. I just wanted to let you all know that my divorce was finalized on May 19th, and H still plans to move to Moscow to live with the Russian. However......she flew over for a 2 week vacation in March, and now "thinks" she might like to live somewhere a bit warmer than Moscow, like Tampa St. Pete, for instance. LOL. He is still in the house with me, but plans to move in with his mom on July 1st. How sad is that?
I hope you are all well and surviving the craziness. I KNOW that you are, in your usual awesome way!!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Nice to see you back on here... Sorry to hear about your divorce and your husband is still crazy. Hope you are managing well.
Just wanted to say hi....
Hugs, Magic!!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
RL All I can say is that at some point he will be sorry!! My xh admitted to me that the first OW was a huge mistake (the second one is too, but he doesn't see it - yet!)
You are an awesome woman. I hope you didn't give him the shop in the divorce settlement - they only spend it on stupid things, and it can keep us warm at night! LOL
RL, I'm glad you returned to post an update. I'm sorry about your divorce, but at least now, you can breathe a sign of relief and know that you are no longer responsible for any joint debt he may incur.
I'm not at all surprised that she wants to move here. That was her goal all along and now she just needs to figure out how she's going to use him to get over here. Once your xh moves out, things should settle a bit more and then you can redecorate to your heart's content.
One day, if he should wake up, he'll be asking himself wtf did I do? I agree...he's going to be sorry for what he's done and it will too late because you will have already moved on w/your life. All I can do is shake my head and think "poor fool".
RL, live your life to the fullest...you've earned your halo!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
A divorced woman...hmmmm. So XH chooses to spackle kitchens instead of sitting out on a deck sipping iced tea with his wife of 30-years watching the sunset. What a messed up man he is....
I take that you've kept the house in the D. Good for you! How did your sons take the D? Do they have a relationship with their father?
Linda, it sounds like you're doing well, even with all this craziness.
How funny that everyone else in the world knew what the Russian was up to, but he still can't see it.
Like job, I wonder if he'll ever realize exactly what he gave up.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
Linda, good to “see” you here. I’ve been busy and not able to post much, but I’ve read your update. I agree with others, what a foolish man your XH is, and so stubborn. I wonder how it is going to work out for him. He is dead set to move to Moscow, while RT has completely different intentions. I can see the troubles coming, LOL.
Why July 1? Why didn’t he already move? At least I hope he finished the fence.
I hope you are doing some fun things these days. (((((hugs)))))
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I hope you're doing okay - & hanging in there. it's so hard, soooo long a time to have a person around shring your life - it's hard to be around them, it's hard to not have them around.
You're such a strong person- i hope it just gets better and easier - fingers crossed. didja ever imagine in your wildest dreams life would go this way, and you'd manage to deal with it and come thru it? not me- well, i wouldn't say i've "come thru" it - and i can see i'll be a bit messed up in the trust department- residual damage i guess from "life" - we all have it i guess for a variety of reasons.
BUT- i can see you're so ready to be able to have an r when it appears - i'm hopin i will be too - it's good sign - now all we have to do is slog thru a while more.
your h is kinda still in some sort of fog - going about his life with you at home- just like always- he doesn't seem to really really GRASP the whole thing of YOU not being in his life. imho
i wonder if it will be okay or he'll be a basket case when he really really REALLY realizes what the heck he's done? ya gotta wonder ?
i wonder same thing about my sitch- nothin to do but just keep plodding along til "the end". ???
will be laugh about this in five years??? one wonders.
Just checking in - I was surprised to see my thread survived the purge Thank you all for checking on me, you're the best bunch of friends a gal ever had.
My ex moved to his mom's house in July, and then actually did emigrate to Moscow; he left on August 29th. I am having a hard time getting my head around the fact that he is living in another country and sometimes I get a sick, sinking feeling in my stomach when a car pulls up in front of house, until I remember that it cannot be him.
I've had a couple of emails from him. I ignored most of them until he asked me to make a skype account so we can talk via skype! Then I finally told him I do not want to skype, and that it would not be fair to the Russian. He wrote back that he is sorry he hurt me. First time he ever apologized for ANYTHING in 39 years!!
I was going to say that I haven't heard much from him since then, but just this minute got a text message letting me know he is in atrial fibrillation. Not sure what he expects me to do about it from way over here. Sigh....
My life is full and happy. My 29 year old son is still living at home, which helps. He was sort of devastated by his dad moving, both of my sons are, so I got him a dog for his birthday. He's in love with it so that's nice! I've been busy at my church, and am still working with the food pantry. I have a bunch of new friends from the divorce care class I took last spring, and we are starting country line dancing lessons at adult ed tonight. URWorthy and I have become the Traveling DB Sisters (Thelma and Louise??) and have gone to visit a couple of other DBers this summer. That is so much fun, truly awesome! And, most amazingly, I have been seeing the most wonderful man, my age, the kindest, most handsome, absolutely astonishingly delightful man. It has been very difficult to break out of the habit of STFU, and I find I still have a LOT of triggers left over from my marriage, but my friend is patient and understanding and loving.
Life is good, I am truly blessed! Job was right, there IS life after divorce I hope you are all healing too!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
RL, I was just thinking about you. In fact, I was going to ask uRworthy about you.
I'm sorry things didn't improve w/your h, but he has to live out his fantasy and I don't blame you...I wouldn't want to Skype w/him either. As for him letting you know about his atrial fib, well, he's got to have some attention from you because you've left him at the station and moved on w/your life.
I'm glad your son is enjoying his dog. What kind did you get? The dog will be a wonderful companion and company for the both you. Hey, I'm so happy to hear that you've met someone that is treating you well.
I don't advocate divorce, but I do believe that this is life after divorce. We may not realize it at the time we are in the eye of the storm, but once the dust settles, you just never know what life has in store for you. We have to learn to keep our hearts and minds open to new and exciting things that come our way. After all, we are all on a journey too.
I'm very happy you returned today and you are doing well. One last question...how are your eyes doing? Did you get a good report about them?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
2) I wish you nothing but the best in your n R. He must be a very special man
3) You could always tell your ex that he can Skype with some of the female convicts in Russia.
Hugs to you.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
My sweet friend, I just wanted you to know how truly happy I am for you. You are so deserving of a wonderful new life. I am so blessed to have you in mine.
Cant wait for our next adventure. I know no matter where we go, it will be filled with a whole lot of laughther.
I don't advocate divorce, but I do believe that there is life after divorce. We may not realize it at the time we are in the eye of the storm, but once the dust settles, you just never know what life has in store for you. We have to learn to keep our hearts and minds open to new and exciting things that come our way. After all, we are all on a journey too.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, thanks for your response. Your post got me thinking. I do not advocate divorce either, it really sux. But I think I'm a lot better off emotionally (now LOL, it took me a long time right?) than some of our friends, because I stood until I was done, and then I was the one who filed for divorce. As opposed to having divorce crammed down my throat like so many others do. My ex would have been happy to live with me forever I think, as long as I supported him financially and allowed him to have affair after affair. I think that once I decided I had had enough of that garbage, it was easier to move forward with less heartache than many others feel.
Oh and the dog is a pug-beagle mix. An older dog from the pound, which I have learned is now referred to as the rescue, not pound. He is sweet as can be, and good company for both of us. I like him a lot better now that S29 gave him a bath though LOL. Thanks for asking about my eyes too. I still have limited peripheral vision and blurry vision in the left eye, but can see great out of the right, and I am really grateful for that. I will be re-assessed in January to see if I need more surgery, but surgery and lasers haven't helped so far, so I can't see going thru that again. And how is YOUR knee, all healed or still bothering your?
Thanks Eric, the DB visits were awesome, especially getting to meet some of you guys who I revere as vets, as well as some of the vets' fiancees and SOs! It is so nice to put a face to the poster! And thanks for your good wishes for my new R. It is strangely wonderful and astonishing to be with someone who cares about me and who is interested in what I have to say. I can babble about nothing all day and night, but my opinion on anything of substance has not been welcome in my house for many many years.
URWorthy and I have hopes for a west coast road trip, right UR, won't that be fun!? You are such a sweet friend; I swear that you saved my sanity and possibly my life. You are a blessing; I am truly blessed!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Ohhhhh, and I get to meet you in a few weeks too! Can't wait!
I'll send you a FB message with my contact info. I definitely have dinner free on the 29th and hopefully I'll see you during the weekend too. You're more than welcome to join me, my college roomie and Gineen at the volleyball tournament.
Re divorce, sometimes a person has to do something to protect themselves, whether that be physically, financially, emotionally or all of the above. What your XH did is not right. I, for one, would never judge you for feeling like you had to do what you did. He's nuts in a way, and your sons probably know that too.
Anyway, glad you updated. Hugs to you and see you later this month!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I'm so glad that you are doing so well, Linda. I'm not surprised one bit that your new manfriend is smitten with you, you're quite the catch. Please enjoy talking his ears off!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Hi Linda! Good to “hear” from you. I was wondering about you recently. I’m glad you are doing good.
Your ex is just unbelievable. Haha, he wanted to talk to you via Skype. Was he going to learn another language, LOL? What do you mean “it would not be fare to Russian”. OMG, she deserved that! It would be so ironic if you would have agreed to skype. Did he actually immigrate, officially? Wow, I wonder how long it will take him to realize the reality of all of it, and how long it will take RT to find another American, so she could fulfill her dream to live in Florida.
I’m so happy for you that you are enjoying your life and moving on. I can’t wait for that moment in my life when I say “I am DONE”.
Stop by once in a while to give us some wonderful news about your new life.
Oh boy… Just read kml’s comments. I’m sure he is in good hands now.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I am so happy to read about your update and how your life is progressing. You have a new boyfriend! How sweet!
Your XH is a real dud for not seeing the real diamond right under his nose. Now his senses are probably dulled by copious amounts of vodka which probably makes his vision hazy and sees OW in a different light. His problem.
As for your vision, have you thought about seeing a low vision specialist. Sometimes they do catch things that a regular eye doctor may not. Want to put this out for you if you haven't thought of this or pursued this avenue.
I'm soooo happy to heaer your voice. I thought you'd given up the forum for good. yay....
I'm sooo happy to hear you're dating someone and you made me laugh when you said you don't have to moderate what you say (stfu) anymore around the house. I know- must be great.
I had no idea - sooo, where the heck did you meet this guy and how long have you been seeing him? (if ya don't mind questions) i'm going to share your pleasure vicariously and feel hopeful about "it all" via you. You are such a love-muffin- you deserve it and i feel good hearing you say you're feeling good and happy with someone currently. gives us all hope for life "after" i'm sure./
I'm still physically where i was- i'm mentally somewhere else- no definition.
h continues to be very nice & a bit more "trying" and unconsciously (i think) affectionate - tho for what reason i cannot fathom. if ow is around- why bother??? but, it's more pleasant to be around him or with him- (not what it was when it was happy - but not what it was when he was being a real jacka$$ either) I know we're supposed to let go of the past - and not even have expectations for the future - so ta da.... i'm better at that all than ever before.
I keep thinking i'll know something more about self,life,etc when this whole estate junk is over. I can see that i tend to be taking life one "project" at a t ime. (well, one "DUTY" or job at at time. The estate getting done is not going to happen quickly tho, i'm just cruising here, working is good, I'm being my most diplomatic (trying anyway) and not having any overt battles with anyone in family. i reckon i can be pleasant and courteous and get thru this without bloodshed if i stfu alot (i'm quite good at THAT) AND just humour everyone - and get thru it. SINCE - i cannot get rid of all of them and their participation - i've just got to deal with it peacefully. so far- that's my outlook.
i get mixed messages FROM h - i plod along, etc. sos with me really i guess.
i'M SO GLAD you're okay with divorce and aftermath (pretty much) - it's a tough habit to break, etc... years & years of someone. interesting that he keeps in touch- but then, you were a huge part of his life and "him" (my thinking).
I do not see any real cause for optimism here - i am just continuing along so as to NOT cause any major (and negative) repurcussions in my own little life and household - i cannot honestly see how it benefits me at all to add poverty to my emotional "mix" one minute before i must. practical? mercenary? idk- idc... My eyes are open- I do have hope of a small and practical sort- and i'm grateful still for all the good things.
I always knew nobody gets everything- well, except (apparently) H - who truly gets to "have it all" - or so he thinks. i think it stresses him out too tho, in general, in the background of his perfect life-
oh well- not even going down the "i wonder" road there-
i'm okay and i'm mighty glad to hear you are too.
xxoo i'm gonna try and remember to pick up the phone and give ya a jingle. i've been kind of "hiding out" since mom died- too much hard feelings and anger and resentment floating around here for this girl. the less i think and talk about everything stressful going on in life- the happier i am.
Garden is great - been painting & creative alot more than last five years- so yay for that all. think i'm regaining my equilibrium - whatever the heck that is - or is going to be going forward...
Nero, I'm so sorry you see no movement with your H, neither forward or backwards, but it sounds to me like he is still pretty fond of you. My ex was fond of me too, but that was just not enough after all those years, especially when I was expected to financially support him AND accept his affairs. Gardening.....did or did you not promise me some plants so I could start a new garden in the deer destruction pathway?
Thanks Wonka, you have been such a supportive friend for so many years. No, a low vision specialist never occurred to me. I was just grateful that I can see as well as I can, albeit right-eyed LOL. Thanks for the suggestion.
Ellie, you crack me up! Fermented oatmeal to treat a-fib indeed LOL. And thanks Job and FY and Cat and Betsey and BF, you guys have truly been blessings to me over the past couple of years. I love you all a lot!
So, listen to this. Ex now says that he and the Russian are not really too happy in Moscow. She has a high pressure job as an accountant, and is gone from 7a to 7p 5 or 6 days each week, and he is alone all day. He is "not allowed" to have any friends (WTF?). They had been living in the city with the Russian's elderly mom and niece, and there was a lot for him to do there, but she got them a studio apartment in the suburbs, and there is very limited public transportation, so he is stuck alone in the apartment most of the time.
She wanted to move to Tampa-St. Pete, but now is thinking maybe moving to Chile would do the trick. She apparently has a cousin there, who also worked as an accountant, but was not happy in her work, so she quit and is attending the Cordon Bleu cooking school there. Although neither speaks a word of Spanish, ex and the Russian are thinking maybe they too might be happy in Chile. Sigh.....
One of my friends on the alt suggested they might be planning to try every continent LOL. Honestly though, it makes me so sad that he is still searching for that elusive happiness.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Lol - well, of COURSE. Since he would cheat WITH her, he could cheat ON her, and all that spare time just means plenty of time for him to get in trouble. The Russian girlfriend must be watching her back every minute.
Although neither speaks a word of Spanish, ex and the Russian are thinking maybe they too might be happy in Chile.
1) I speak Spanish
2) I make a mean chilli
Hugs to ya (((((RosaLinda))))
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Hi Rosa, Ahh, the elusive "search for happiness" that every MLCer seems to find so necessary but never satisfying! I suppose that if someone is willing to dump so many years of their life, destroy their own families, embarrass himself in everyone he's ever known eyes by running off to Russia with some crazy person he hardly knows, Chile isn't THAT surprising. Until (if?) they realize it's not the circumstances of their lives but what's INSIDE of them where the true key to happiness lies, they will roam the world (in his case literally) and never find it.
You sound like you're doing great. So, glad to hear it and keep living the life you choose!
RL, Never a dull moment w/your xh and his Russian twinkle twat. Sounds to me like she doesn't want him to have any contact w/anyone. This is what a person w/a ND personality does, i.e., ensures that the partner is secluded and doesn't have any contact w/anyone. Oh, well, he's gotten what he wished for in his fantasy land, the Russian, a new country and lots of peace and quiet. I'm sure the Genie in the Bottle didn't plan on him being all by his lonesome like this, but he should have had some inkling what it was going to be like.
As for you, you sound great and I hope that your eyes get better in time. You had asked about my knee...it's doing great. No pain, back to everything that I doing pre-op and I've not regretted the surgery one bit. Thanks for asking.
RL, continue as you have been doing. You don't know what the future holds for you, but you can enjoy every minute of today and know it's a gift and time doesn't stand still for any of us. You did everything you could to try to save your marriage and you can rest easier knowing that you tried.
Enjoy today, for it is a gift.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Linda, I think RT is miscalculating here, about the move to Chile. Your ex will promptly start learning Spanish and skyping again. And, there are a lot of younger competition out there. I don’t think she will be able to keep him at bay with “no friends” rule.
Wonka has a great idea, as always. I’m sure there are lots of kitchens to spackle over there, LOL. Except he has that d@rn rule of no friends. What would RT do if she finds out about him having friends? Send him back to his country?
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Hi RosaLinda, I haven't posted in a long,long time but I read alot of posts of alot of people everyday and the similarities of our MLC men amazes me. I came across you posts and wanted to read about your sitch from the beginning but couldn't figure out how to do that. Reason being; my H is living in Moscow and is having an on/off affair with a russian woman ! We have 4 children, youngest is 16 and have been married for 25 years, he is 56 and I am 51. BD was two years ago, when I found out about his affair, and he couldnt deny it - he was hoping to live in his two worlds, his life in Moscow with her and his life here with me. My storey is long and I
Sorry! sent that before it was finished! Don't want to hijack your thread so if you are interested in my sitch it is in newcomers 'do I tell him all I know'. I am bored with my own sitch by now!
Also if Brightfuture is reading this, maybe some insight?? The Russian woman he is with (mainly) seems like a nice woman, intelligent, independant (aged 42, single, no children) and he seems to have manipulated her very well - she really has no idea who he is, he tells her he loves her but he tells me he doesn't know what love is anymore - I feel sorry for her, he uses online dating sites while he is with her. she didnt know he was married when they met two years ago and was upset, told him she didnt want to be with a married man - but he manipulated her and she changed her mind (in a few days!).
Lots of goings on here on Long Island! My poor ex is still such a lot soul that it sort of breaks my heart. When I last reported in, he and the Russian Tramp were still living together in Moscow, but were considering moving to Chile, because RT has a cousin who was happy there. They apparently decided this might not be such a good thing for them, possibly because neither speaks Spanish. Although not being fluent in Russian did not deter him from moving there! He has been emailing me about once a week. I occasionally replied, not always.
Then he informed me that he was flying back to New York the first week in January, because he needed to leave Russia every 6 months to keep his 3 year work visa valid. This did not make much sense to me but I know next to nothing about Russian immigration rules. When he arrived, he told me, via email, that he had come back because Russia had changed so much from when he went to visit RT in 2013, and he just was not happy there. He said RT is a lot like his mom, very aggressive and assertive and bossy; he described their relationship as a "love-hate" relationship.
Next, ex decided to try to feel me out/guilt me into letting him come live with me again. First he tried telling me that he is a changed man. He said that he still loves me, realizes that he was very unhappy and confused, and regrets running away instead of trying to make things better between us. He apologized for moving to Moscow, but not for his affairs. He sent me roses. I wrote back thanking him for the flowers, and said they made me a little uncomfortable, and I would respond to his email in a day or two. He sent a rather nasty reply saying he could not believe how much I had changed in 5 months, and that our divorce is just a piece of paper, and we are still married in the eyes of God, and that I am still "flesh of his flesh."
That sort of ticked me off, but I wrote him a nice reply, telling him that I have truly moved on and am happy with my new life. I told him that I have changed a lot, but that these changes had not just happened since he moved - they started back in Dec 2009 when he told me he does not love me any more, and most had occurred in Dec 2013 when I got strong enough to give him an ultimatum to choose between RT and me, and he chose her. He wrote back that my email was confusing and erroneous. WTF?
Next I got a few friendly emails, and we saw each other for the first time last night at his mother's birthday dinner. He told me that he misses our old house and town very much, but will be content with just being my friend.
Now today, he told me that he decided that he does not want to be alone, and since I will not take him back, he has decided to MARRY RT so she can get a permanent visa and come over here and live with him. Which, in my view, is what she has wanted all along.
He is actually going to marry that woman. The woman who talked him into eating rotten oatmeal instead of taking antibiotics for his neurological Lymes disease. The woman who had to tell him she had contracted gonorrhea but claimed it was from a toilet seat. The woman who can never admit that she is wrong or does not know something, whom he described as aggressive, assertive and bossy. Double WTF!?
This makes me incredibly sad. I really would love to see him happy, healthy and sane again. To top it all off, my 29 year old son told me last night that he has been blaming himself for our divorce. He was already aware that his dad had a bunch of affairs, so this was horribly upsetting and confusing to me. I reassured him that it all had nothing to do with him, and that we both love him very much. I'd heard that younger kids sometimes blame themselves, but my son is almost 30. I hope and pray that my boys do not develop a crisis later in life due to all of this.
Some good news -- I saw my eye surgeon last month, and he says I do not need any more surgery or laser treatments right now, and only need reading glasses as my right eye seems to be compensating for my left somehow. AND, my fella is taking me to a NY Islander game on Valentine's Day, how sweet is he! Life is good, and I am truly grateful for all of my blessings.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
I am very happy to read that your eyes are doing much better. They needed some time to heal properly.
As for your xh, wish him well and just let him go. He wasn't ready to recommit to you and repair things. He would have been right back out the door as soon as RT contacted him. He came home because they may have had a fight, but you see what happened? He went running right back to her and this time, he's planning to marry her.
He's not finished baking and he's got a long ways to go before he is.
I can't believe she told him that she contracted a STD from a toilet seat! That's the same excuse my xh used when he got mono the first spring after he left.
Yes, RL, you've changed. He doesn't realize that w/time, everything changes and your changes are permanent and you aren't a push over and believe everything he says any longer. The rose colored glasses were broken the day he left for Russia. Life is good now and you've met someone new and sound very happy. That is what is important...happiness and being appreciated and loved for the person you are.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I can't believe she told him that she contracted a STD from a toilet seat! That's the same excuse my xh used when he got mono the first spring after he left.
Lol - wait Job - he told you he got mono from kissing a toilet seat?????
Yes, my xh told me he contracted mono from sitting on a toilet seat! LOL! I just looked at him and burst out laughing because it was so funny that he thought I was going to believe that tale.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Linda! Glad to read your update, even though it was something that took me by surprise today. What a manipulative POS. Seriously.
He is all.over.the.place. Apparently, he's still as confused as ever. He went from reconciling (flowers and the L word) to being ok with being friends and back to nasty again. How utterly smart you are to stay your good and happy course. I'm proud of you!
But it made me sad that your S30 felt guilty. What a good mom you are. Your boys sound awesome, and at least you know you were a great parent with them. And still are.
I'm sighing with relief about your eyes. That should make the hockey game a little easier to watch.
'Course you know I have a sweet spot for you and your sweetie, so I hope you have a VERY happy VD together. No toilet seat puns intended.
I'm waiting to get D20's volleyball schedule, and then I'm going to plan away. She said it will probably be closer to March 1, so I promise I'll let you know the travel schedule when I get it. We're going to try to make every match. Isn't that hilarious? It's probably your cue to buy airline and hotel stock. We're going to rip it up next fall and go out with a bang.
Hugs and LOTS of love, Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Well, XH can have all the fermented oatmeal he wants in the world.
You've come out of this whole experience smelling like a dozen of freshly cut red roses. Your life is getting better and better while XH's continues on his downward spiral.
Holy cow V, your husband sounds like so many of the spouses we read about on here, cheating, lying, spending money like crazy, physically and emotionally abusive. He's just added gambling as an extra added attraction
Luckily no matter what our spouse's label - walk away, wayward, mid life crisis - our response is basically the same. To face up to and fix our own faults, become the best people we can be, and give them time and space they need to try to fix and heal themselves. Unluckily, they often don't seem to see the need.
Anyway, thanks!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Linda! How about another update? Did your ex go back to the Russian Tramp and her moldy oatmeal? Are you still dating your new guy? How are the eyes doing?
