sounds like an "up swing" in your land- and i'm happy for you. interesting that your h asks "where was i" and seems to realize somehow he's been "out of it".
that's hopeful rite? and teh intimicy- nice also.
i'm glad for you- i've got your "sitch exhaustion" or whatever it was you called it. coming up to three years of total kn owledge - feelin mighty tired.
oh well huh? it's better than it was- no opinion about it all at present.
just wanted to say hi and glad bout the positive trends going on at your home- inspiration to us all - fingers crossed as usual...
It's been a few months. Time for an update/thoughts/musings post. Things still very interesting around here.
Mini recap:
- Bomb in January 2012. Did not see THAT coming!
- Lots of MLC craziness. I join here July 2012, start to find my footing, get myself together.
- hit the year mark and have a big, several hour long R talk. H does share some insightful things with me. Refuses to admit affair or all the money he is spending.
- more MLC craziness
- summer of 2013 I notice that H is beginning to take some interest in our home, increased interest in our children. Notice him checking me out occasionally. At the beginning of August, I overhear part of an argument while on phone with ow. After that, he begins to move closer to me. Starts sleeping in bed, complimenting me.
- fall comes, and the switch goes off again. Back to sleeping on couch
- by November, I'm at the end of my rope. Initiate a talk telling him I'm tired of living a lie, tired of a third person in our m. I don't want to live like this anymore. This led to a several hour long talk. He tells me he didn't mean all the terrible things he said to me, he was just very angry and took it out on me. Says that he does want to be married to me, does think of me as his wife, knows he needs to do a better job at being a H to me. Still refuses to admit affair. He's stopped spending money like crazy at this point.
- holidays come and go, I see small effort from H but still a lot of MLC behavior. He eventually does start sleeping in bed again. But by February, it seemed like he was stuck and things were at a standstill. I was beyond frustrated and disgusted, pulled WAY back.
- starts working his second job again, seems very happy about it
- mid February he's in a bad car accident, totaling his car. He was very upset, seemed very contemplative about things afterwards. There were also a few deaths of people he knew; this also seemed to have him reflecting on things.
- beginning of march, H asks me to rub his back while in bed ( still very sore from accident) and one thing led to another...
- he was supposed to go on a "fishing trip" (I believe a getaway with ow) but decides not to go because I was sick. Says he wants to stay home and take care of boys. Reschedules trip for April, but doesn't go.
- throughout spring and summer, H is home more and texting less. Consistently sleeping in bed and being intimate. Beginning to be affectionate. Our daily interactions are playful and happy, we are spending more time together. He initiates a lot of home improvement projects - tells me - I know this needed done last year, but I just didn't feel up for it.
Which brings us to now
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
And now? Well, I'm not really sure what's going on right now - LOL!
I *think* he is going through a slow and steady reconnection with things in his life. In no way do I consider this a reconciliation. I'm trying to take things day by day, and see where they lead. Trying my best to accept him for who he is right now, and where he is at right now.
It's hard.
I think it's very easy to fall into the "if only" way of thinking. "If only my spouse would ____" or if only x, y, or z would happen, THEN things would be great and I would be happy.
But I am finding that the more I see my H come back into himself, the closer we get, the more I want. Yes FY, I have ants in MY pants - lol!
I want my H to wear his ring again, to tell me he loves me, to just admit to the affair and get everything out into the open. But I don't want these "if only" desires to shield me from seeing all the progress and positives. It's a conscious effort I have to make.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A year ago, h went with ow to the beach for almost a week. I was heartbroken. But I put my big girl panties on, and used that time to do some special things with our kids. I kept moving forward.
This year, we took a week long family vacation to the beach. It was great, I can't even put into words the happiness and memories of those seven days. I was worried that h may be stressed or annoyed, but he wasn't. At all. The last few days of vacation though, there was an increase in texting...
I think ow is still hanging around, though can't even begin to imagine in what capacity. He's home all the time, and seems to actually BE HAPPY while here. As far as I can gather, they are maintaining a texting R at this point.
I'm not happy about this.
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
I'm often reminded by a good friend that it takes a LONG time to let go of the ow. The MLCer has to get to a place where they feel better about themselves and their life, where they can face and reconcile their past and the choices that they made.
Apparently, this can take a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY long time.
I've busted up several patience shovels in the process
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A reflection on ow...
For those of you that may not know, ow was a good friend of mine. I was equally blindsided and betrayed by her. If I were to guess, I think she is in crisis as well. I missed so many red flags and signs, had no idea about MLC.
The last time she and I went out to dinner together (about a month before bomb) we were discussing her new side job as a bartender.
She told me how she loved it, loved staying out late and having drinks with her co- workers. That she felt that she was making up for lost time since she had her son so young.
Seriously people, how blind was I? LOL!!
In retrospect, I see now that our friendship was very one- sided. I did not see a lot of the negative things about her personality. I can honestly say - aside from humping my H - my life is better without her and her drama queen antics. I have grieved the friendship that I lost, and moved on.
From what I hear at work, things aren't going so sunny for her. She has isolated herself, caused problems with various coworkers. This has not gone unnoticed by our bosses...
Time will tell how it all plays out. I think lady karma is paying ow a visit...
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
I find myself in a strange position. I can't tell you how amazing it is when you can see your spouse start to reintegrate themselves. When they look at you not through the cold and lifeless MLC eyes, but through the eyes of the person you remember, the one you love, it's an incredible feeling. Yet, there are still no guarantees. No guarantees he will make it all the way through, no guarantees I won't get tired of keeping that hope alive.
Life is good right now, so good. I feel content in every aspect of my life except for my M. I am okay with that... For now.
Still digging deep for patience to see where this leads. I've made it this far, still got some gas in the tank.
Thanks for all of your support along the way. It's been one heck of a journey so far
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
I'm glad you returned to update your situation. I've got a load of patience shovels to send your way.
Yes, it takes a very long time for them to disengage themselves from the ow. She's like an addiction and when he does, he'll have some withdrawal issues for a while...nothing to be overly concerned about.
You sound stronger and in a better place. How are the children doing? Is everyone enjoying the summer?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for the update TVS! I'm so glad to hear H is progressing, and that you are doing well. You continue to be an inspiration to us all.
Never mind the ants. No matter how careful we are, sometimes we hit an anthill with our darn patience shovels. Just take a few steps to the side and all is well.
Good on you for not waiting for an "if only" to enjoy your present life.
Originally Posted By: TVS
I've made it this far, still got some gas in the tank.
Same here. Bust On!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
The boys are doing great, they have grown up so much.
They were 3 1/2 and 1 1/2 at time of bomb, now they are 6 and 4. Time certainly doesn't stop because of a crisis.
S6 has entered a phase where he is all about my H. Wants to dress like him, talk like him, eat the same foods he does. He's always watching him.
H and I have had conversations about this, H is aware of son watching him and knows he is setting an example. H is really trying to be a good example for him. I think it makes him feel good that S6 is so into him.
The summer has been fun, very busy. I have found that this summer seeme more naturally busy instead of me always trying to find things to do with the kids. Does that make any sense?
I'm not gonna lie, it's been great having H around, and having him here mentality and emotionally as well. There is more of a feeling of contentment and ease around our home.
Thanks for checking in on me. Hope your summer is going well! ~~~~~~~~~
Hi FY!
I laughed out loud about the patience shovel hitting the ant hill - that explains what happened - LOL!
I think when you've been at this awhile, sometimes you need to take a look back to see how far you've come. It's easy to lose sight of that when you're dealing with this day after day after day...
A lot has changed in my life that I wouldn't trade for anything. I hope rebuilding my M will be a change in the future.
Let's keep going till our tanks our empty! Bust on!!!
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
TVS- so glad you posted an update! I have read through you and Raine's threads as I find you both so inspirational. I learned to see the small positives by following the two of you ( and FY).
It's very helpful to see the progress above written out as well- I was finding the back and forth so taxing emotionally until I realized that's how it was going to be- like a slinky as I've seen some say.
So glad things are slowly moving forward for you in a positive way. You really have amazing patience and strength!! I will continue to follow your thread and wish you many gallons in your tank to carry you to your destination!!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
