Still Dating

[labug]

Previous thread We're Dating

[labug]

Nothing about dating but I watched a great documentary last night on CNN. It's not a warm and fuzzy Christmasy story but it is about the power of our soul, profound loss, honesty, belief in something greater than ourselves, darkness, forgiveness, redemption and the beauty of life no matter the circumstance we find ourselves in.

We are right where we are supposed to be. It may not seem to make sense but never doubt there is a purpose. We never know how our journey will affect others.

The title is An Unreal Dream

If you watch, I think you'll feel renewed.

[CallaghanClown]

The alternative isn't necessarily not having H in your life or mine. But the final realisation that you (or I) are going to have to break our marriage vows.

[labug]

The alternative isn't necessarily not having H in your life or mine. But the final realisation that you (or I) are going to have to break our marriage vows.

I'm not sure I understand.

[labug]

So CC, didn't get your clarification so i may be misunderstanding your statement but...
Ad wrote this on her thread and it very much speaks to how I feel about marriage. Ad, hope you don't mind if I allow you to speak for me.

I'm still 100% in favor of marriage as an institution...I will never again accept a bad marriage out of misguided respect for the institution. I will protest bad treatment, I will insist on getting help if needed, and I will be the first one out the door next time if no reasonable effort is made to maintain a healthy relationship. A wedding ring is not a life sentence, it's a promise.

[CallaghanClown]

Totally get that. Minus the first one out of the door, it's not a race. It's about making the very most of every moment. I never appreciated that before. I do now. I won't be in rush to end a marriage that isn't working. I'll work on it, hard. If I'm being treated badly despite my efforts then I'll walk away, but that's no different to how I feel about the sitch I'm in now.

I'll keep going till I can't keep going anymore. Maybe tomorrow maybe two years. But one day there will be a resolution.

[adinva]

if no reasonable effort is made to maintain a healthy relationship

I didn't say I'd run out the door if I didn't like things. But if I work and work, with all of the knowledge that I have gained here about communication and relationships and emotional issues, and there is NO REASONABLE EFFORT being made by my spouse, I'd be gone. I obviously would give time and serious effort before determining that there is no hope.

A reasonable effort is what makes the difference.

[labug]

I got that, Ad. At some point both have to work on it or it's not a marriage, it's an endurance test.

We're not here to suffer.

[labug]

I should say, I'm not here to suffer, even tho it took me a long time to realize that suffering wasn't necessary. The earliest lessons we learn are the most difficult to expel.

I had IC yesterday and it was very affirming but I also learned a few things.

H and I had a misunderstanding over the weekend. Text induced, again. The short story is, I asked him to share more about something he had said in the previous text. All I texted was: Share. He said he was tired and would tell me another time but needed to sleep cause he had to get up early. I then texted: Thought it would be a short answer. Nite.

He then came back with how hard he works, he's tired, etc.

So we were on the way to a major misunderstanding. When I got the text about how hard he works, I knew it had gone off tracks, so I asked if he was OK, no response, then just sent sleep well.

The victory for me was that the old me reared up for about half a second and the words "I work hard too..." were there but I was able to stop them and think about what was really happening, a stupid text misunderstanding but H's was hurt by whatever. I didn't negate that, which would have been the old me.

A few minutes later he sent me an email saying he felt disrespected. My response was, let's talk about this tomorrow. I don't ever want to disrespect you.

Another victory, he let me know what he was feeling, didn't retreat to "There's nothing wrong, everything's fine." then silence.

We talked about it, he recognized that he misunderstood and apologized (huge). I recognized that he had feelings and didn't devalue them.

My IC talks a often about separateness, not physical but emotional. I've always been uncomfortable with negative feelings of others. I felt the need to fix it, make them better. I now realize that other people can have feelings that have nothing to do with me, that I don't have to fix. I can recognize and validate but not take it on. That's a part of separateness.

And even tho what I said triggered H's feelings, I didn't cause his anger. It was up to him to figure out why he felt as he did and do what he needed to do to fix it.

It was up to me to provide a safe, non-judgmental place to have a conversation about it. For those who've been with me from the beginning, you know that judgment was a huge part of who I was.

This is just geling in my mind so it may not make a lot of sense to anyone but me.

And at the root of it all is fear.

WE talk a lot abut detachment. I read a post I wrote that someone else reposted and it was about fear and detachment. We have to overcome fear in order to be detached. There are no steps to detachment other than to overcome fear. There are things you can do to help but until you can face your life fearlessly, we're stuck

We stay attached because we're afraid of life without that other person. I know I wasn't detached until I was able to look at my life realistically and realize, not so bad. Actually pretty d@mn good.

But I had to overcome a lot of fear to get there.

[labug]

but H's was hurt by whatever. ed. but H was hurt no matter the cause.