Thought I would start a new thread before my old one locks up.
Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear Here comes the sun Here comes the sun, and I say It's all right
-The Beatles
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
LEARN from yesterday. LIVE for today. HOPE for tomorrow.
~The minute you think of giving up, think of the reason you held on so long.
~With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts. Eleanor Roosevelt
Good things come to those who Believe, Better things come to those who are Patient and the best Things come to those who Don't Give Up
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
-no nagging/reminders/checking up on him to see if he is ready/organized about things -positive mindset, putting a stop to the negative thought patterns -keep things light -no pressuring/requesting status updates, etc. -STFU! -tell him when something is bothering me, bring it up nicely at a good time and tell him how I feel and why something is important to me! -let him have some free time rather than expecting him to be around/help all the time, give him some space -make the most of our time together, have fun!! -try some new, exciting things together -do some of his LL 'Acts of Service', let him have rest if needed, fold his laundry, bring coffee, buy him an unexpected treat once in a while -try not to overanalyze things and our situation!!!!! -be grateful for what I have and try not to rush things
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
That's not a bad idea. How many days has he stayed over in the past? What if you did Christmas Eve, Christmas and the day after? Then made a date for a couple of days later, and go from there? New Years?
When you guys dated prior to marriage, how often did you two spend time with each other? Were you two weekend daters, and talked during the week, or were you guys inseparable? Combination?
Ambiv, I like your idea! For sure I would like him to stay over for a few nights, it would help me feel better, more secure, and happy. Christmas Eve is my favourite day of the year, it always has been, I just love everything about it. It's even better now with 3 little ones that I can share my excitement with!! smile
When we first met we would go out for a few nights in a row then take a few days off. We were never inseparable, lol. Similar to what we are doing now, I guess! And lately it feels the same as back when we were dating! smile
Our first Christmas together I got him a nice watch as a present.. and he got me a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey,when I was a Detroit fan at the time!! haha. I was not impressed! It was funny smile Perhaps through our dating we can bring back some of the carefree dynamic we used to have.
[quoute=labug] Why would you be sad if he wasn't here by Christmas? You could still spend time together, right?
Don't let emotion rule, this is too important. [/quote] I don't know how to explain how I feel.. I am a very emotional person. It doesn't take much for me to get upset. The little everyday things I notice make me sad sometimes, like when I notice his empty closet and when I notice his car is parked on the road because he will be leaving to go to his brother's. In the morning I wake up and feel sad that he is not next to me. That kind of thing I guess.
Labug, you are right to not let emotion rule. In fact, one of the important things H's counselor told him right off the bat was that we shouldn't be making decisions at times when we are feeling strong emotions. That makes sense.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Had a fun weekend with H. We headed out to the OHL hockey game on Friday night with all of his brothers and their wives and his sister and her boyfriend. I would say it went well. H had his work holiday party early afternoon so by the time we left for the game he was already pretty drunk. I am not too crazy about that but he doesn't do it all that often so I guess it's fine.
This is really the first time we have gone out socially as a group without the kids since before BD. Things seemed different and better this time, just because he was taking the time to include me and talk to me and involve me in conversation, rather than in the past where I feel he would ignore me for the most part.
We had a talk this morning. He wanted to tell me some things that he has been discussing in counseling. He said what he has come to realize is that he has had some MAJOR resentments of me since about 10 years ago when we moved to the city. We had been dating a couple of years and he moved to a city and hour and a half away due to a job. We were both only around 20 years old. He felt I had pressured him to have me move in with him and he felt like it took away from his freedom. He said he felt major resentment, and that is when our fighting starting between us. At the time we had totally different mindsets. I was thinking along the lines of marriage and starting a family and he was more interested in having a few years of freedom and drinking with his friends. He believes that every argument we had back then and also now stems back to that. I had no idea how to respond to him. I was young and perhaps foolish at the time, and definitely not the same person I am today. I can't go back in time and change how I acted. I don't resent my feelings of wanting to settle down but I do regret pressuring him into anything.
He also resents that when my mom passed away I grieved and became depressed and a lot of the family burden rested on him while I was grieving. It was the worst time of my life and remember the numbness my body felt like I could not move or function. A constant heavy feeling. I told him some things that he could do that I thought would help me feel better and he didn't do them, which I resented. He resented that I did not do counseling. I went to a counselor once and left feeling more depressed so I did not go back. Me being depressed and him having the burden really made him resent me even more. He had a work trip in Finland for 9 days and I cried so hard and asked him not to go. I thought I could not handle being alone in the city without help watching 3 very young children. He resents me acting this way. He does not understand how I felt, I feel he will never understand. I am so frustrated!
I don't know what to do moving forward. I feel like he is always going to resent me no matter what happens. I feel like I can't win. I want to have a magic answer that takes away all of the resentment. He has carried around all of this anger toward me for years and I had no idea. I am scared that he will always hate me for something. I feel like we can say sorry to each other and that still the anger will be buried. Is there a way we can once and for all let everything go and move forward?
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
We are total polar opposites, H and I. What we need in order to be happy is on opposite sides of the spectrum. I think we are expecting that the other person should feel exactly the same way as we do in any given circumstance. And we also assume that whatever it takes for us to be happy will be what the other person needs in order to be happy. We are both acting in our own ways and not hitting the mark.
I am more driven by emotions. I tend to rely on others for a sense of safety and sense of belonging. I feel I would be happy with someone that would nurture me, day in and day out. Someone that would hold my hand and take care of me and just be there for me and spend time with me.
He is driven by a lot of things, money, success, freedom. He is a hard worker, and his LL is acts of service. He loves taking care of the kids. He enjoys his job and being a supervisor. He is independent.
I think what we long for in life are different things. If we could understand each other's point of view once in a while it might help, rather than writing off each other's feelings.
What I long for is someone to spend time with, who will make me feel special and include me. That I can laugh with and share my everyday life with. In a way what I would like is someone that will pamper me sometimes. Spoiled, I know!
What he longs for is freedom. He is also a quiet guy so he needs a lot of alone time/quiet time.
So it feels as though what I need from him is the opposite of what he wants to give me. I want him to be affectionate, and compassionate and I would like him to care about and consider my well-being. He tends to not take notice of what my core needs are, although I have tried telling him. He is more looking for freedom and independance and the more I need/rely on him, the more he resents me. How do we get past that??? Sounds like the pursuer-distancer... I run after him and he runs!! I want him to be affectionate and he wants space and freedom. I want to be taken care of and he wants me to be independant.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
I guess it is a good thing that he is opening up to me.. he certainly is doing that! lol. On the other hand I feel just awful that he has a laundry list of things he felt resentful of about me, things that I didn't know about for years. I am starting to feel guilt and shame for having made someone else feel like that for years.
What I intend on doing is living day to day and being the best person that I can be, as a wife and mother. We can try to address some of these resentment issues over counseling. For some reason I am feeling scared.
Scared that he has these feelings.
Scared that for 10 years he was unable to communicate with me to let me know his feelings.
Scared that it will happen again in 5 years, he will hate me again for something I didn't know about.
His counselor gave him some homework to come up with some rules for himself so that this will never happen again, him coming to this point with his feelings.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
I am more driven by emotions. I tend to rely on others for a sense of safety and sense of belonging. I feel I would be happy with someone that would nurture me, day in and day out. Someone that would hold my hand and take care of me and just be there for me and spend time with me
This sounds like dependency. There will be times when we need support, but nurturing day in and day out? This can be suffocating and is relying on someone to meet needs that you can meet!
Quote:
who will make me feel special and include me.
Nobody can make you feel special , or make you feel anything. They may reinforce feelings you already have, or fears, insecurities that are within. This is something you may wish to explore.
Quote:
That I can laugh with and share my everyday life with.
Now this is something that can be achieved, but be more specific. Setting time aside to discuss the day is important to any relationship. Laughing with someone is very healthy, perhaps comedy clubs, or schedule time to have a super soaker war, laser tag, learn something fun?
Quote:
. I want him to be affectionate, and compassionate and I would like him to care about and consider my well-being. He tends to not take notice of what my core needs are, although I have tried telling him. He is more looking for freedom and independance and
What is the exact type of affection you desire? Have you said I would like...xyz, and then let it go? I'm feeling I want a hug, I want a kiss? I'm feeling randy, I want to make love or give you a ....? Are you expecting him to read your desires, needs, your mind? This is where you need to be specific! Men like to fix, remember? This is something that can be fixed! For if you are vague and expect him to "know", you will always be disappointed. He will never feel he can win with you, and this will lead to him not trying. It leads to shutting down and frustration.
Quote:
He is more looking for freedom and independance and the more I need/rely on him, the more he resents me. How do we get past that???
What type of freedom? What type of independence? What do they look like to him? How does he define this?
I was reading about how some men, after connecting and being intimate need to have alone time. They need to get some distance. It isn't about the woman, it is just how they are wired. When they have their down time, this is when the woman should take the opportunity to do something with friends, pamper themselves, or do something that their men don't like to do.
Quote:
...compassionate and I would like him to care about and consider my well-being...
What leads you to believe that he doesn't feel compassion for you? Why do you feel he is not considering your well-being?
What are you thinking about when you say he longs for independence? How can you ask what he wants? What can you do to meet his needs here? What is the space he needs? Why do you feel the need to cling tighter?
When you say you want to be " taken care of ", it sounds like you want a daddy. Was your father there for you? Did he neglect or stay emotionally distant? Was he and enabler? Did he give you everything you wanted? Did he shower you with love, or did he withhold it?
It seems as if you are looking to another to make you whole. That you are looking for happiness in another, rather than seeking happiness from within and sharing it with another.
Resentment comes when one feels dismissed, not heard. When they think they have accommodated and not gotten what they need. When they stuff down what should be spoken to avoid conflict or fear expressing anger.
When this happens it is difficult for the one resenting to feel empathy for the other. They are overwhelmed with the feeling of resentment . They do not feel validated.
This can lead to withdrawal or behavior that is covert and damaging.
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
I am more driven by emotions. I tend to rely on others for a sense of safety and sense of belonging. I feel I would be happy with someone that would nurture me, day in and day out. Someone that would hold my hand and take care of me and just be there for me and spend time with me
This sounds like dependency. There will be times when we need support, but nurturing day in and day out? This can be suffocating and is relying on someone to meet needs that you can meet!
I have this notion in my head of how I would like to be treated. I know sometimes I can be too dependant and it turns him off. I had a boyfriend once that just made me feel very special and I guess ever since then I felt I deserved to be treated the same way as I was back then. He held my hand wherever we went and was very chivalrous. He would hold doors open for me and I could just feel how important I was to him. He made a point of introducing me to his friends and including me and also made a point of getting to know my family. I guess it was young love!
I just like that when a man is chivalrous and just wish I had that feeling that he cared about my well-being.
Originally Posted By: Ambivalent
Quote:
who will make me feel special and include me.
Nobody can make you feel special , or make you feel anything. They may reinforce feelings you already have, or fears, insecurities that are within. This is something you may wish to explore.
You are right. There are certain emotions and feelings that must come within and should not expect him to meet all of my needs. There are, however, some things he COULD do that would help with my insecurities and feeling special. I suppose my problem is that I don't let him know what I need as a core need. Perhaps if I gave him that chance and let him know how I feel, now that we are on better grounds and working on things.
Originally Posted By: Ambivalent
Quote:
That I can laugh with and share my everyday life with.
Now this is something that can be achieved, but be more specific. Setting time aside to discuss the day is important to any relationship. Laughing with someone is very healthy, perhaps comedy clubs, or schedule time to have a super soaker war, laser tag, learn something fun?
Yes! I yearn for doing something fun. Something to shake things up a bit!!
Originally Posted By: Ambivalent
Quote:
. I want him to be affectionate, and compassionate and I would like him to care about and consider my well-being. He tends to not take notice of what my core needs are, although I have tried telling him. He is more looking for freedom and independance and
What is the exact type of affection you desire? Have you said I would like...xyz, and then let it go? I'm feeling I want a hug, I want a kiss? I'm feeling randy, I want to make love or give you a ....? Are you expecting him to read your desires, needs, your mind? This is where you need to be specific! Men like to fix, remember? This is something that can be fixed! For if you are vague and expect him to "know", you will always be disappointed. He will never feel he can win with you, and this will lead to him not trying. It leads to shutting down and frustration.
Ha, funny I told him today that I would like more affection but then, like you mentioned, never told him what I meant by it. I would like to be hugged upon meeting and leaving. I would like random kisses/hugs throughout the day. I would LOVE to hold hands once in a while, although not sure if that is ever gonna happen! He is not a hand holder. He is 14 inches taller than me and says it's awkward for him, although I think he just doesn't like it! I would like to cuddle w/o it having to lead to anything!
Originally Posted By: Ambivalent
Quote:
He is more looking for freedom and independance and the more I need/rely on him, the more he resents me. How do we get past that???
What type of freedom? What type of independence? What do they look like to him? How does he define this? I asked him today to clarify that and he didn't really know the answer, I will have to explore that farther. Because how can I work on helping if I don't know what he is referring to? I feel that he has lots of independance while he has a family with 3 kids and he is living somewhere else, but he must be referring to something.
Quote:
...compassionate and I would like him to care about and consider my well-being...
What leads you to believe that he doesn't feel compassion for you? Why do you feel he is not considering your well-being?
I feel that he constantly shuts down my ideas and opinions. To me this means that he does not care about my feelings and well-being. He doesn't quite understand what in life makes me happy, because it is not the same things as him, and he writes it off. Or tells me I shouldn't feel a certain way, that I am wrong to have certain feelings. To me, decorating is my passion, and working with my hands to create art, and painting. When I mention getting a job to do something I enjoy, he shuts down my ideas or when I mention painting my girls bedroom he immediately dismisses it. He doesn't understand that my being able to express my creative side in that way brings me so much joy and passion in my life. Because, if he DID see that, why would he shut my ideas down?
That's how I see it anyhow. I know that a part of it is that he worries about money.
Originally Posted By: Ambivalent
When you say you want to be " taken care of ", it sounds like you want a daddy. Was your father there for you? Did he neglect or stay emotionally distant? Was he and enabler? Did he give you everything you wanted? Did he shower you with love, or did he withhold it?
My parents were always there for me. They were both there at every soccer game when I was a kid and every dance recitle. My dad I was not very close with but I was very close with my mother. They gave me a lot of things, but I wouldn't say I was spoiled. I had a pretty good childhood. I would say that my parents were a lot more involved in my life than my H's parents were involved in his. In my family it was just me and my brother so we got a lot of attention. My H came from a larger family and I think he was given a lot less attention, no doubt that is why he is a lot more independant than I am.
Originally Posted By: Ambivalent
Resentment comes when one feels dismissed, not heard. When they think they have accommodated and not gotten what they need. When they stuff down what should be spoken to avoid conflict or fear expressing anger.
When this happens it is difficult for the one resenting to feel empathy for the other. They are overwhelmed with the feeling of resentment . They do not feel validated.
This can lead to withdrawal or behavior that is covert and damaging.
That is spot on. He felt not heard for years and just completely shut down. Then I wondered why he wasn't there anymore and seemingly didn't care. That makes sense to me that he was not able to feel empathy, due to all of those feelings of resentment. And it just ended up making me feel empty and alone. We both ended up withdrawing from each other and wondering what the heck happened. It is starting to make more sense now that we have all of the missing pieces of the puzzle..
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
I have been having the same thoughts running around in my head for 2 days straight, ever since H told me that he has been carrying around resentment towards me ever since I moved in with him in 2003. I was shocked to say the least. It upsets me quite a bit.
On one hand, I have the feeling that I can't win.. he is always going to be mad at me about something. I also feel like I was unable to fix things because it was out of my control, as I didn't know the cause for his pain. How am I going to ever know if he is holding a grudge against me? I also feel guilty... guilty for causing him so much agony. Over the years I have had a constant feeling that I have done something wrong to upset him, and I didn't understand why.
Ok, now that I have got that off my chest I am going to forget it!
Ok... hitting myself with a 2x4 before anyone else does. Things are DIFFERENT now. It is NOT the same relationship we had 10 years ago. We have gone through a lot and learned from our mistakes and are coming out stronger. We are communicating better, we are opening up to each other. If things start getting off track again we will be secure enough in our relationship to confront the other person. And, when we do, the other person will be there for support. We will not shut each other out, and if we try the other will be there to call them on it. We will address our issues on our own, sometimes with the help of counseling.
He is opening up to me now, finally, after all of these years, that has got to be a good sign. He must feel comfortable and safe with me now, for whatever reason. I believe he feels confident in how things are going. Why now? Perhaps it took him leaving me to see things clearly. I think perhaps for all of these years he has placed all the blame on me and now he is coming to realize that we have both played a part.
I am feeling a very strange, hard to explain, mix of fear, happiness, elatement, and hope. Not sure how it is possible to feel all those things at once.
Taking a leap of faith...
-cp
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Looks like we are going to be starting MC at the end of the month! We have both been doing our IC and that has been working well for us. H booked us an appt for the end of the month with his counselor. Kind of caught me off guard! I thought he was going to prolong going to MC! lol. I think it's a good sign that he initiated it, this from the guy who doesn't usually initiate things!
He seems to really like her and he says he feels comfortable talking to her.. so that is a good start. I am a little worried that she may be biased to our situation as it is his counselor. I will give it a try and see if I like her. Her approach seems pretty unique, so I am interested in seeing what she is like.
It will be nice to start the counseling together. Does it make sense for me to continue with my individual counselor as well?
Y'all would be proud of me! I would love nothing more than to have H move back in right away. However, after reading everyone's comments I started thinking more about it.
We had a talk and it sounded like he was thinking of moving in by the holidays.
I told him that if he decided to move back in that I wanted him to think hard about it, that it was an important decision. I told him that if he did move in that I wanted him to be very certain about it, as I couldn't go through all of this again. I also know that he is worried he may be inconveniencing his brother by staying at his place. I told him today that I don't want his decision to be based on that. He kind of laughed and said it was for other reasons too obviously.
We are going to discuss it at the end of the month at our first marriage counseling appointment since reconciling!!! I am getting excited. Things are moving in a good direction for us!
-cp
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Thanks labug. I think she will be good. She seems to understand my husband quite well..which is a task in itself as he is often so hard to read. lol.
I am feeling quite sad. I brought up the affection issue with my H this morning. I told him that I would like more affection. I expressed that when we were starting to reconcile he showed me lots of affection, and I felt so loved. I felt better than I have in years, that I didn't realize it was possible to have a marriage like that, that I was so happy and it felt so good.
I told him that I feel sad now because I feel like it's not like that anymore and asked what might have changed between then and now. He said that it feels awkward sometimes. He told me that he has spoken about affection with his counselor. He said that she feels that he might be holding back in order to punish me. I told him that sometimes it feels that way. I said that I didn't feel it was fair that he was only reaching out to be affectionate when he wanted to make love, and he agreed.
I feel so lost and alone right now and angry. I feel like I want to isolate myself from him in order to protect myself and my feelings. I recognize this is a pattern I often get into. At least I am recognizing it, although I don't know what to do.
Needing help and support, feeling so lost.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
This is a journey, a slow journey. We do have to be aware of baby steps.
Is even being able to have a conversation about feelings a step for him? For most men it certainly is. Applaud that. Not literally, but thank him for talking to you about it. And feel the power of that within you. Be happy.
Sometimes we get in the trap of wanting it all, RIGHT NOW, That's our anxiety, based on our expectations and ours to deal with. Don't put it on him.
Do you remember what you said when you brought the subject up?
Have you read the book How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It? (if I've mentioned it to you before, sorry) It really opened my eyes.
I'm thinking about buying it for my H. I think we're at that place now and when I initially read it I thought, "I wish I could share this with H."
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
You're right labug.. a long journey and we are making progress. Sometimes I get overwhelmed.
Yes, it is progress for him to talk to me about these things. And he seems to be so driven to want to work on things. Even the fact that he has arranged the counselor for us to go to is a HUGE step for him, I was SO surprised!! Normally I would have to nag him about it,this time I didn't say anything at all!
We ended up having another discussion after I posted here. I was feeling so emotional and just burst out crying. He asked me what was wrong and I told him I was feeling so sad about everything. He told me not to worry, that it will take time and that's why we are doing the counseling. (Even him saying that to me was big step for him!). I told him I was upset because things had started off more affectionate and now I felt we are moving backwards and I am missing the affection.
I asked him if I could tell him what I needed, or if he thought that was a bad idea since it might lead to me getting upset if it didn't happen how I imagined. He admitted that was a worry of his, but he encouraged me to tell him what I need. (again I was surprised at his reaction!)
I told him that for starters we could hug upon greeting and leaving each other, and I would like if he could initiate one kiss or hug during the day. He agreed that was reasonable. I told him that would help a lot.
So we made it through! I was all worked out of shape and thinking I would be upset during the holidays, all over something silly and we worked it out.
Sometimes tiny little things like that make me become fearful but I must realize this is a process and we are doing pretty good!
We seem to be having little breakthroughs here and there with our interactions. Like him calling me out when I am holding back on telling him something and me telling him how I feel when I would normally be too afraid. Also he is opening up to me quite a bit.
Ok, I will breathe now!!
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Do you remember what you said when you brought the subject up?
I said to him, I would like to talk to you about something. I am feeling sad that you have been less affectionate lately than you were when we first got together. That he was so affectionate at first and it made me feel so loved. That I was amazed at what it felt like, that our marriage could feel that way, but then things changed and it went away for some reason. And then I asked if he knows why that could be. And he said that sometimes things feel awkward. I asked him why and he didn't have an answer, he doesnt know why. I told him that it felt like he was affectionate mostly when he wanted to make love and it didn't feel fair. He agreed it wasn't fair.
He said he has brought the issue up to the counselor and she thought perhaps he was doing it to punish me. He told me that we wasn't doing it on purpose. He said he would like to address it at counseling instead of talking about it.
Originally Posted By: labug
Have you read the book How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It?
I actually own the book and I will start reading it, it seems like it will be really helpful at this point for me and H.
thanks again labug!
-cp
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
I am a little bit worried about his comment this morning. Subconciously he feels he punishes me by withholding affection from me. Should I be worried? I have felt this over the years, the feeling that I have done something wrong. Or that he is somehow making me pay for my mistakes. It makes sense now that I realize he had all of these resentments. Does he even like me? Has he ever? will he ever again? He is coming clean now and opening up, yet I still wonder sometimes. Am I wasting my time on someone that doesn't or will never care about me?
What can I do now? I am trying so hard, but does it matter at all if he doesn't recognize who I am now versus who I was back then? Will he ever be able to truly forgive me?
Hopefully I will get a lot of answers during our counseling.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Labug and Ambivalent, hopefully you can provide me with some input on this one.
I have taken into consideration your thoughts regarding H's moving back in. My initial reaction was that of course I would love for him to move back in, because I miss him! But after thinking long and hard I am more hesitant.
I am on the receiving end of being abandoned by someone, so for me his moving back in feels very significant. I want for it to be for the right reasons. How do I express to him my concerns? I feel that if he were to move back in I would like for it to be permanent, and for him to feel confident in his feelings for me. I want it to mean 'for better or worse' we will work on things as a team, and work through any issues. He hasn't told me he loved me since before February. Is that reason enough for him to not move in?
What I DON'T want is for him to move back in, merely because things feel comfortable and he is having fun and doesn't want to stay at his brothers anymore.
P.S. I have started reading the book! It makes a lot of sense. There was a part where the husband and wife were arguing about the wife being cold. H and I have had that exact argument over and over again where I say I am cold and he replies with, "You can't be cold. The theromostat is set at 24!" hehe.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
He says he would like to move back in. I asked him why and he said that he would like to work on things while living here because it would be easier for us to work on things if he is in the house. He is not 100% sure about us right now. Although he did say that he was 100% committed to working on our relationship and that he wasn't before. (he is talking about in the spring when we did marriage counseling the first time around).
I explained to H what the significance of his moving back in would mean to me. It would mean that he was certain about things, and that I would want to know that he wouldn't be moving back out again.
I told him it was a big deal to me. I told him that I don't even know if he loves me. He then told me that yes, he does love me. He said he wasn't sure about it before. I asked if it would be weird if I told him that I loved him once in a while. He says it might be awkward because he feels it would be awkward to respond to it at this point. I think everything feels so strange for him right now.
So, my question. He loves me and is 100% committed to working on things. However there is still uncertainty about us working out, although his heart seems to really be in it. His living apart from me is taking a toll on me and I don't think it has been helping matters. Now I have to decide whether we are going to do this living together or apart.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Neither of you can be sure of anything other than that you'll work on things. If he only wants to move back because it's more convenient, he can tell you anything he thinks you want to hear to make that happen.
What actions tell you he's serious about this? Just like when we as the LBSs are making changes that the WAS can believe in, actions speak louder than words.
For me, I wanted to see and experience that my H had made changes, I wanted time for a few rough spots to pop up to see how we handled those. I wanted actions.
I think another question might be, what does working on the marriage mean? When you say that to H without specifics, down the road he may think he's working on the M but you might disagree. Can you sit down together and come up what that means to the 2 of you?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
His actions do show that he is truly committed to working on things. He has arranged the individual counseling for himself on his own and goes once a week. He has realized that we need to work on the counseling to work through this and he has made the MC appt. He is also planning dates for us. Also, he has pinpointed areas he feels we need to work on.
Another thing that feels different is that when I bring up a subject to him he seems more receptive, whereas in the past he would often dismiss the ideas. He seems to be showing more compassion and empathy. He has apologized for little wrong doings here and there where before he would just retreat.
Yesterday he told me that he is 100% committed to working on things, and I believe him. He said that last time we were in counseling (in the spring) that he wasn't 100% committed (I also believe him, I don't think his heart was in it at that time).
But it does feel like his heart is in trying. To him working on the marriage means doing the counseling and addressing our issues together. Getting past the resentments we feel. Working to have a stronger marriage than we have ever had.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Hello CP, I've caught up on your story over the last week. You sitch is very similar to mine, but my H is still very angry and resentful, still telling me he doesn't love me.
I'm glad that you are moving forward to piecing your M. I think it's good to have some reservations, it will keep you both honest and aware.
I will be curious to watch as you guys move forward. I think all of the counseling efforts are a great sign that you guys are both willing to look at the issues and work through them. Quite an effort on the part of a WAS-I think that's a good sign.
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
His actions do show that he is truly committed to working on things. He has arranged the individual counseling for himself on his own and goes once a week. He has realized that we need to work on the counseling to work through this and he has made the MC appt. He is also planning dates for us. Also, he has pinpointed areas he feels we need to work on.
Another thing that feels different is that when I bring up a subject to him he seems more receptive, whereas in the past he would often dismiss the ideas. He seems to be showing more compassion and empathy. He has apologized for little wrong doings here and there where before he would just retreat.
Yesterday he told me that he is 100% committed to working on things, and I believe him. He said that last time we were in counseling (in the spring) that he wasn't 100% committed (I also believe him, I don't think his heart was in it at that time).
But it does feel like his heart is in trying. To him working on the marriage means doing the counseling and addressing our issues together. Getting past the resentments we feel. Working to have a stronger marriage than we have ever had.
This all sounds great.
Is his definition of working on the marriage the same as yours?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I've been in a whirlwind, and am just touching base. I do believe asking what he defines " working on the marriage " means.
I would say he has some passive aggressive traits or serious patterns. He knows he is withholding sex to punish. This is one area.
I just read today a fabulous description of passive aggression :
" Passive aggression is a learned response to handling confrontation. It's not something that surfaces in a certain situation but s behavioral pattern that is employed when a person feels threatened, questioned, confronted or powerless to assert their desires. "
It was added, ..." those on the receiving end of the attitudes, resistance, and stubbornness may end up feeling so frustrated that their anxiety/stress level increases, the propensity may increase to act on their frustration. "
" For those using it as a default, life becomes more miserable for themselves because problems go unresolved and recipients feel pushed away." This is the most precise definition of what has happened between the two of us in my marriage.
This is why we hardly EVER argued, or did battle. It is a marriage killer! It will kill any and all in their path.
I know this was happening in my marriage on both sides. I cannot change him, and I'm working on myself .
This was me, because I was backhanded when a child and bullied by both siblings. We were not allowed to express anger towards our parents.
I have a fear of certain types of confrontation, generally from someone I seek approval. If I don't care, or don't feel a connection, then I can express anger.
So it is still based in fear, not of being struck, but rejected for expressing the anger.
When his counselor says he's "punishing you", you can bet your sweet bippy he's doing it in other areas as well.
Mine toward the coming of bomb drop, would purposely leave his size thirteen shoes right in the middle of a floor. When he came out to the house, he left the toilet lid up. He would make a mess and leave it and walk away.
I too am guilty of this, and now understand why. I have to now work on stopping the pattern. Both of our families of origin had passive aggressive mothers and perhaps even fathers. I'm not able to share this with my H. but I can and I have already enlightened my daughters. I have begun to break the cycle.
Funny when writing this I can recall what I used to do with my girls. When one started to tantrum I would acknowledge their anger and give them a piece of paper with a crayon. I asked them to draw how angry they were at the time. When I saw the rage, I would say : " I can see you are VERY angry ! " That would calm them, and then usually either I would ask or they would ask to draw how happy they were.
Somewhere down the road, that was erased and they both began to feel powerless to express it. I do remember one would say they'd do something and then not...and the other would say "NO!" and seconds later would say ooooookaaaaay, without a peep or look from me.
How much is innate? How much is conditioning? You have a chance to see for yourself with your wee ones.
You have the golden opportunity of a second chance. I will live vicariously through you.
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
Hi Labug, to answer your question, my idea of working on the marriage is going to the MC to work on getting past resentments, working on forgiveness and working on communication (both of us). Also just working on breaking past destructive habits that we get into, such as blaming each other instead of showing empathy and not voicing our opinions.
So we had our first MC appt this week. It went pretty good. She is attachment based. I think she is a great fit for my H but im not sure yet if i like her as a good fit for me. I guess time will tell.
It came out in counseling that he is not ready to move back in yet. This is fine by me as i want it to mean something when he moves back in, that i could be fairly certain of things. It makes me wonder why he would say one thing to me and not mean what he said. He is so confusing at times. I am beginning to think i cant take what he says at face value.
Also, it came out in counseling that when he told me he wanted time alone in the house that he didnt mean it, he was just saying it as a counter to my saying i needed more alone time\space!! He apologized for this. It makes me angry. I was worrying and trying to accomodate him and he was just saying it to get back at me. I guess all i can do is be thoughtful and responsible in my own actions .
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Hi Fly,thanks for checking in. Happy holidays and happy new year ! Cheers! Cp
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Hi Ambivalent, thanks for stopping in! H and I both have passive aggressive behaviors. I am quite bad at it as well and I am trying to work on it. He has never withheld sex (that I know of), although I believe he does withhold affection. I think he still feels resentment towards me and it comes out in other areas.
In the past I used to use passive aggressive behaviors to avoid dealing with things. Like you, it was about avoiding the confrontation. I was afraid of approaching him so I would deal with it in another way.
I guess that is something for us to bring up to the counselor for sure!
-cp
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Soon as I read that he said he needed space to "counter" your needs, my thoughts went to aha. This is going to be a huge hurdle .
You are aware of your passive aggression, is he aware of his? Being aware of this is 3/4's the battle.
The pattern behind it , the fear or hurt that causes it is the area which needs to be addressed. The sooner the better, for resentment builds , and it is a former pattern.
Honesty is the only way to keep this from reoccurring. How to be honest with tact is going to be a challenge. For just being honest can also create it's own issues. Such a balance to keep on an already precarious walk.
Have you found the book " His Needs Her Needs " ? It is one that if you guys read it together, may bring up some places for discussion. You can ask each other if the things mentioned/listed pertain to each other? It could be a time where once a week you guys cuddle on the couch with some coffee/cocoa and read. Perhaps set a beginning and ending time and take notes. That way if the buzzer goes off, you have where your discussion left off.
Then reward yourselves with something new or different. Would he or you be able to try this?
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
For me I am starting to recognize the passive aggressive behaviours and trying to stop it in it's tracks. In the past if I really wanted to do something, or had an idea, I was afraid of how he would react and I could picture what he would say to me. That would stop me from talking to him and I would just hold it all inside. Instead of asking him for his input (which I was afraid of) I would go ahead and do what I wanted.
If I wanted to paint a room in our house I would imagine his reaction of saying, "we don't have enough money in the bank to paint right now, how could you even think about doing that? We could spend the money on something more important." Then I would think to myself, well HE just spent money on a case of beer for the same amount and how important was THAT? And then I would go buy the paint. This, of course, would anger him because I did it without talking to him about it. And thus the cycle continues.
I am starting to talk to him more often about things, without worrying about his reaction. A new, more vulnerable side of me has been coming out. I have been surprised lately because sometimes his reaction isn't what I expected and he has given me positive answers/replies.
Often his reaction is just what I expected, though. If that is the case, I approach it differently. I calmly tell him that it took courage for me to open up to him because I was worried about his reaction, but that the subject was important to me. Me telling him this seems to be helping.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
I am doing ok, for the most part. Having some ups and downs. Having some emotional days, and some nice,enjoyable days as well. I think what I have learned this week is to distance myself a bit on the emotional days. I was really upset the other day and my emotions were running wild. I ended up arguing with H over something stupid, which I felt horrible about afterwards. Hopefully next time when I start to feel overwhelmed I will at least know well enough not to get into a heated discussion. So hard to do in the heat of the moment!!
Tomorrow we have our 2nd marriage counseling appointment. For now I think I will let him take the lead, for the most part, in the sessions. I do have a couple of areas I would like to discuss. For me most part everything is going good. I feel that he nitpicks at me quite often, or disagrees. It's an old pattern we fall into. It seems I can't say or do anything right (in his eyes).
Today he criticized a lot of different little nit-picky things. It really drags me down when he does this. As he has doing this, I have been experimenting with different answers/responses here and there to see how he takes it. I have tried giving a joking response. He will laugh but he continues to criticize at another time. I have tried saying simply, "You are being contrary." He agreed with me. I feel like I can't win.
When we had our big "talk" about reconciling I had two main issues. One of them was that I wanted to feel that he supported my ideas in life and that he didn't shut down my ideas. When he criticizes me it feels like he is not supportive of me or my ideas.
And it's just lots of silly little things here and there. Today he criticized the amount that I charged my son to do a chore at home. I charged him 50 cents for what I thought was a big job. But he didn't agree with how I had done it. It's little things like that all day long.
I have been going out of my way to do little acts of service here and there for H. But he still manages to find faults in a lot of things that I do and it is starting to bother me.
He wants me to be more independant, so I have been, but then he doesn't like how I am doing the things, because it's not the same as what he would have done.
Arg!
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Alright, got my rant out yesterday, and now I feel better!
Had an MRI this morning. H woke up at 4 in the morning to get some hours in at work so that he could come with me to my MRI at 8:30. I am in awe, and it makes me feel good that he would re-arrange his schedule so that he could come with me, and it was nice to have him there. I have had a lot of health issues over the years and it felt nice to have him come to the appointment and be there with me!
Even more, he is leaving work in the afternoon to come to our MC appointment. It is the little things in life, like those that make me feel loved. That someone is watching out for you and cares about your feelings and wellbeing. Someone that will shovel the driveway for you if you need help or grab you a coffee without asking. Of course, it isn't expected, but makes you feel so good when it happens! Maybe "I" am an AOS person! lol.
I think it's funny that my LL's are almost an even spread of all of them.. does that make me extra needy? Poor H! Apparently I need attention in all of the areas, lol.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Things have been going pretty well for us lately. I had been worrying about him backing off in the affection area.. but I feel better about everything now. He is starting to reach out a bit more now, initiating kissing and hugs and even the odd compliment. I have to say, it feels pretty strange after months without! I am starting to enjoy where we are at now. He is even back to teasing me and joking around with me, so I guess his playful side is back and to me it seems he is no longer depressed.
He seems a lot happier and he is now doing things that he used to enjoy doing, like playing piano and reading books. He has also been so involved with the kids lately, it is really making my heart melt to see him so involved with the kids. He is there at night to tuck them in and he picks them up from school. Most nights he has been helping, making us wonderful dinners and helping cart the kids to their lessons and activities.
The kids had a PA day off school on Friday and he took the day off to watch the kids. I heard all about their day afterwards.. he drove all around town, doing some clothes shopping for the kids, and they were so excited. In the past the burden of buying all of the kids clothes fell on me so to have him do it relieved some of the stress on me and it felt really good not to have to worry about it. Then, when I got home from work he was doing science experiments with them, as my daughter is really into science lately. My son was jumping up and down, so excited, they are really enjoying the time with their dad.
I can still remember back to the summer where he barely spoke to any of us, and when he did it was something negative that would make me feel awful, even though I was trying to hard. So things have gotten a lot better since then. I still do worry about the future, but I don't know how to explain it. I am not so much afraid of losing him anymore as I was during all of our limbo period where I didn't know if we were going to stay together or separate. I have accepted that things could go one way or another and I will be fine.
So for the past month we has still been living at his brother's apartment, and staying over the odd night, typically about 3 nights a week. We have been talking about him moving in. He has been staying over more lately, and hanging around lately doing family things.
We worked it out today that he would stay over every night except for Tuesdays and Fridays. For me, that seems perfect, as he will be home a lot more, yet we will still have a bit of freedom and space apart from each other. I am really enjoying having some time and space to myself. To me, having 2 nights to myself is perfect, gives me some breathing room. I jokingly said to him this morning, maybe that's what all marriages need.. a couple of evenings apart every week! lol... Seems to be a good plan for us right now anyhow.
Have a good week all! -cp
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
I know the transition to H being here fulltime was more, not difficult, not sure what the word I want to use is but it's a transition and change with all the emotions that go with it.
I need solitude and have to carve out that time for myself now.
I guess I'm saying, remember to take care of you.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Just wondering, how long did you and your husband live apart while working on things before you moved back in together? How did you go about moving back in? Did you ease into it slowly or did you just date for a while then when you were ready move back in together all at once?
We are certainly having our ups and downs. Mostly we keep having misunderstandings about when he is staying over, and it is driving me nuts! He will text at the last minute and say he is not coming home and that sort of thing. We are in the process of making some ground rules about this, so that I am not getting my expectations up only to be disappointed.
We are still at the point of needing lots of space apart. It seems like he gets tense sometimes when being around me, even though I am trying my best to make everything go smoothly. He will get grumpy and start nit-picking at me or finding faults in what I am doing. That is my (almost too late) cue from him that he needs space. How did you guys figure out the right balance of finding the space you need?
Thanks, -cp
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Well, a lot has changed over the course of a month. H has been acting moody for a couple of weeks. It seemed like all of a sudden he started looking really sad, and he just kind of pulled away. Less affection, less joking around with me, and a lot more nit-picking and complaining about little things. I tried to ask him about it, and he would just say that he was feeling sad.
We quit our counselor, per H's suggestion, as he felt that she just wasn't working for us, and I agreed. We both decided I would find the new counselor. I looked around and found one that seemed really good, a solutions based psychologist. Thing was, she was booked until the 26th.. so we still haven't seen her yet.
I got sadder and sadder, and anxiety started kicking in pretty bad for me, as I watched H pulling away from me again, after watching him be so optimistic about wanting to work on things. That things, "were different now and that his heart wasn't in it for trying before, but now he was totally committed."
Then Valentines day came. No email during the day from him to say, "Happy Valentines" or anything. I got home from work and asked if he wanted his present. He then told me he hadn't got me anything. I gave him his present, tickets to a cool event. He seemed to really like the tickets. But I ended up going upstairs and crying, just because I was so emotional about the events of the past couple of weeks, and it lead up to the Valentines day (which is our BD anniversary), and then not getting a present or card.
That is when he said he was not sure if he still wants to work on things anymore. He still doesn't have the right feelings for me. He is worried that he never will. He doesn't necessarily want to go another year and still feel the same way. Also, he has been feeling a lot of pressure, with him not living at our family home full time, and just needing so much space. Also, he noticed that it's been a year since our BD and he feels sad that we are still only where we are at now.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
You aren't responsible for his feelings, he feels what he feels and if he doesn't like it he needs to figure out what to change.
This
Quote:
I got sadder and sadder, and anxiety started kicking in pretty bad for me, as I watched H pulling away from me again, after watching him be so optimistic about wanting to work on things. That things, "were different now and that his heart wasn't in it for trying before, but now he was totally committed."
sounds pretty co-dependent.
What were you doing about stopping your free-fall?
What do you want to do now?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Chasingpavements - I am back too. I am sorry to see your sitch hasn't gotten any better either. I am here if you need to vent. I understand how you are feeling and hope we both have some sort of resolution soon. keep you chin up high. Sometimes some things have to end in order for something new to enter your life. Maybe there is another plan for us.
M12 Kids 2 ILYBINILWY 08/05 Reconciled 05/06 S07/12 Moved back 03/13 Separated Again 06/24/13 Back Again (his choice) 02/14 Leaving again 03/23/14 DIVORCED 02/15
Hi DFE!! I haven't been posting on here for a while, but I just happened to check in and noticed that you're back! (some of us are on FB with our db names followed by "DB").
Ok I will get some venting out! So after I last posted, H said he no longer wanted to work on the marriage, and then moved out. He now has his own house. We've got 3 little ones, (I forgot you had twins also!! ;)) In late September he said he wanted to work on the marriage again, and that he was 100% committed to trying, etc. We had some fun dates, and were trying to ease him into moving back into the house. Then he started pulling away, and now we are separated, likely for good. Well, on my end, he has messed around with coming and going one too many times. I feel he is just very unhappy with life and has a lot of issues to work out on his own. So now I am just in the process dealing with him moving his stuff out of my home. It's been hard, and I have had a lot of anxiety. But, I am moving on and moving forward.
Ok, I will go check out your thread now! -CP
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
