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ces67 #2449140 04/29/14 06:53 PM
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Hi CES, caught up again on your situation. Thanks for your comments on mine.

Lots os similarities (except for what I think would be the most painful - a thrid part being involved).

I don't really have a lot of advice to offer other than to stay strong and be true to yourself.

Thoughts and prayers with you.


Me-48,W-51
M-22,T-24
S- 18,16,9
Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date
Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch
Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only
Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,030
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Thanks SF. The 3rd party was about 2 years ago now. Really just one thing on a list of many W has tried to use to be happy. Looking back its a long list...me, marriage, kids, church, work, PA, parties, etc..

As far as an update, W didn't get home until after 9 last night. She picked up D12 after her band practices. She did at least text and say she was taking D12 to get their nails done. I tried to call text to find out when they'd be home so to get dinner ready but she never replied. So I finally just fixed it for me & S15 (on the plus side, I'm getting pretty good at improvising and creating new ways to cook!)

Once she was finally home I had a moment with just us to and calmly asked her if she had rescheduled her counseling session and how long she'd been off her meds. That opened a door.

She immediately talked about the challenge to get into the office and how she had tried to go without her meds until her appt but finally had to call to get a refill because she could tell she was losing it. She's been off for about a week & a half she said.

She then went on to talk about challenges at work, getting pulled over that morning for not coming to a complete stop at a stop sign and how the police took 40 minutes to give her a ticket, making her late for work (which she was trying to be early for a purpose that day). She talked about how coming into the school towards the end was challenging because no one communicates to her except when she didn't do something that she had no idea was suppose to be done because no one had invited her to a meeting where it was discussed...

I listened, empathized, asked questions and mirrored her frustration at the circumstances when the kids asked questions. I did NOT offer suggestions, blame or advice. Just listened like I would with a co-worker. I was detached with no expectations.

I certainly wasn't going to kick a depressed person whose off their meds with all my frustrations. I did ask for help on a couple items coming up which she agreed to help with (minor stuff, simple coordination really).

Plenty of financial problems to deal with but will tackle them one at a time and work through it. I'll delve into the harder topics after she's been back on her meds a while.

She's such a wounded soul. First step is to simply protect myself & kids from her poor choices. Even with meds, she's not shown intention to heal our marriage so I still expect to make some very hard choices by this summer.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
ces67 #2449350 04/30/14 02:30 PM
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I say this with compassion for her-she can heal that woundedness, the choice is hers.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2449376 04/30/14 04:16 PM
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and, CES, you cannot.

Only she can.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
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Thanks Bug & Ad. I don't believe I'm trying to fix anything about my W at this point. I am being more vocal about my boundaries and what I will accept and wont' accept in our arrangement.

Its really a matter of timing. She is finalizing her application for a teaching job in the fall. There is a chance that could be finalized in May which would get her a paycheck starting in July. We are wrapping up our school year with a little over 3 weeks left. My D12 is getting ready for her end of season dance recital. And I am outlining several things that can better separate our finances.

My whole family (parents, sibling & families) will be together this Saturday. I have 2 nephews graduating from the same college a few hours from where I live. We are driving over to spend the day with everyone and go to the graduation. I had contemplated asking her not to come but decided I didn't want to add drama to what should be a fun day with my family by having to explain her absence.

I have already decided and said I am not coming with W & kids to her family after school lets out. That will give me a couple weeks at home to get organized on a few things.

Our house has a new roof so after some painting and carpet cleaning, it could actually go on the market when needed. I've already found several apartment options in town that allow pets and even know I can swing temp housing with a friend or 2 if needed.

We don't talk about our M anymore but I still listen and sympathize with her. I don't suggest or guide. I'm not fixing anything and only help where it makes practical sense for the kids. W asked me to write her a cover letter to go with her application. She's always come to me for writing stuff or proof reading of homework. I did try and help but realized I had no real idea what to put in the cover letter or what she wanted to say. So I found a guide that focuses on how to write one for teaching positions with examples. I sent it to her last night and let her know I didn't have enough info to write it for her. I'll proof it for her but she'll have to do the work.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
ces67 #2450311 05/05/14 02:10 PM
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How was the family weekend?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2450333 05/05/14 03:49 PM
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Really enjoyed seeing my family. It was a long day and too quick but well worth it. I have 4 nephews all about the same age. 2 graduated last year, the other 2 graduated this past weekend. 2 are engaged. 1 is about to be, and the last, we all expect to just show up some day either engaged or married to some girl we knew nothing about!

My mom was happy to be there but I could tell she is struggling. She is being placed back on a pill for another round of chemo this week. D12 has her season finale dance recital this coming weekend. Mom & Pop really want to come and said they may but I'm not certain my mom is up to the 8 to 9 hour drive. Pop told me the 5 hour drive to the graduation took its toll on her. If not, I'll take the kids up this summer and we can watch the video of the recital with her and D12 can give the commentary while we watch.

W was able to get a refill of her meds and it's a noticeable difference. She spent most of the 6 hours in the car grading projects from her 5 classes. Same for Sunday as well as cleaning up around the house. She also asked for my help in completing her application for a full-time teaching job this fall. I don't take that for a sign of anything other than what she said it was. She is overwhelmed by the process of applying and needed someone to help her with some of it. So she, D12 and I sat at our dinning room table last night watching a movie, grading papers and filling out her application online.

There will never be a great time to talk about what we need to talk about. I had hoped to start the conversation before now but haven't for a variety of reasons. Some may be excuses. Some may be compassion. Acc's post in Newcomers hits home with me a great deal. W and I have continued on in our M but have not truly dug into the issues to create healing. She won't go there with me. I believe a lot of her activity is a way to avoid it.

We function to get by. And we barely get by. It's far less than an M should be. I know I won't live like this forever. Settling for a fake marriage won't do anyone any favors. I don't have a hard deadline on this but expect to dive into the hard talks by early summer. My path will be to start D proceedings. I'll be open to working on our M if W wants to but I don't expect it.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
ces67 #2450828 05/07/14 01:54 PM
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hey ces. Moving this to your thread to make sure that you see it. Sorry for the delayed response.

Originally Posted By: ces67


And based upon your name, you may be a good person to ask something unrelated to DB...

My son has been talking about joining the Marines after high school. He wants to be an engineer and do that through the Marines. He's been really excited about it. Last night he told me he was nervous because he wasn't sure he had the physical strength and mindset to make it in the Marines. He's never been very athletic. Not that he couldn't hold his own, its just not been an interest. He's got a sharp mind, but prefers to focus it mainly on his own interests.

Any advice to help encourage him? I told him that I believed it was completely in his ability to do it if he really wanted to and since he's only 15, he could start now getting in shape if its truly what he wants to do.


Thanks for picking up on the name!

Looking back on it, the time I served was some of the greatest and most formative of my life. Easily in the top 5 of life experiences!

It reinforced many of the values I was brought up with and played a significant role in making me who I am today. Truthfully though, there were points where I thought is some of the worst times of my life also.

It is incredibly tough both physically and mentally but I am sure he could absolutely do it. There is a great training program that has been refined and perfected over more than 200 years. Given his age, more then enough time to prepare! Anyone who goes through it will be challenged (no matter how prepared they think they are) and also amazed to find out what they can really accomplish when pushed to their limits.

The only advice I would have for someone considering this type of choice is look into it completely, talk to the local recrutier, ask questions, maybe even consider college as an option first and look into the ROTC program also. And by all means, if you decide to sign up - do well on the aptitude tests and have a specific job (i.e. MOS) that you committed to, every Marine is a grunt first but that doesn't (and in most cases shouldn't) have to be the only thing.

With the exception of this DB'ing thing, it is probably the toughest and most growth oriented experience I have had. Gives great perspective for later in life also, how many things could possibly more difficult than being in a position where the decisions you make or don't make could result in significant impact to other lives?

Obviously I am a big fan and personally of the opinion that everyone young person should be required to do some sort of "civil service" early in the life - doesn't have to be the military though. For a few years, just find a way to be part of something larger than yourself and your immediate family. Lots of different ways to accomplish this.

I think that if more folks did this ^^^ there would be lot less of the selfish, me first, instant gratitude, only do what makes me happy, inability or lack of desire to work hard traits present in the current culture.

OK - before I stand on my soapbox for too long I will end this. There are some other Corps vets on this board so maybe one of them will also see this and chime in. Hopefully this is helpful


Me-48,W-51
M-22,T-24
S- 18,16,9
Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date
Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch
Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only
Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,030
C
ces67 Offline OP
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Thanks SF, Good info. My big thing with my S15 is just helping him believe in himself. We have talked about it in terms of helping to pay for college. He's interested in engineering. Appreciate the input!


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
ces67 #2453715 05/20/14 03:12 AM
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Hey CES. I don't often get over here, but glad I caught it. I can echo what SemperFi mentioned. If he's serious, suggest that he go to college and ROTC if that's an option. He can always enlist or get a commission, but college is harder to come by.

My Marine Corps days are remembered proudly. There were times I learned to embrace the suck, and others where it was the best of times. I've learned great lessons from both and carried those with me. One of the greatest, is that it's not about me - there's a larger purpose and I was part of it. Teamwork, process, succeeding at any cost... all good things to learn in your formative years.

If that's not the path, civil service of some sort is a great experience. With a little less suck to embrace in most cases smile

College first though. Most of the folks I knew were either highly educated (college first) or never had that opportunity.

Reading your situation, I'm reminded of a friend of mine. Went through similar. I feel for ya, but do what you have to.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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