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ces67 #2446318 04/17/14 12:30 PM
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"So I got her other dress out for her and ironed it so it was ready when she got home. She filled in the details of their talk, including the good review and thanked me for ironing her dress. Then she was off again"

Ces remember the pics I used to post of my exw's dinners? That quote reminds me of that. I really do not know what the right action is. I know you are a kind man. But I feel she needs to take care of herself. The way I see it is that you always come to save her. I know you are ambivalent about filing. I don't blame you. I am not in anyway suggesting you do. You know why we all came here. But I think the lines are a bit blurry.

I did all kinds of nice things to stay M. But she got meaner, nastier and angrier. In looking back she behaved in ways I never knew she could.

I think you need to sit back and think things through. I don't see much GALing either. Hope you good buddy


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Hey Rick! I remember the meals well (and that you hate bow-tie pasta!).

I'm fortunate in the fact that W is not outright "mean" anymore. Its just obvious that this marriage and me, are not a priority for her. I may be looking for something that says we are. And there are enough changes in my W to get my hopes up. But overall, she is still very distant.

I met with my IC yesterday and I feel like I'm making some strides in my effort to not rescue. Here are some examples (if only to remind myself).

She got a speeding ticket and she expected me to pay. I have not.
She spent money we had set aside to cover the deductible for a new roof. I let her work out with the roofers how to handle the payment and schedule.
In terms of the dress being too short. I had noticed it that morning and chose not to say anything. She had to face the situation of being sent home.
She offered to start paying her own credit card again and stopped worrying about it immediately, even though I know she's late making the payment.

I still want to be kind and compassionate. But I'm still holding a bit to expectations that she will return that to me. A fool's errand that I need to stop chasing.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
ces67 #2446881 04/19/14 02:23 AM
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I freaking hate bow tie pasta smile

And i hate when my friends are treated like crapp. and im not a hating kinda a guy smile


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Thanks Rick! I appreciate the compassionate frustration!

I need to move forward in some way. I'm holding onto something and I can't figure out what it is. Here are some possibilities:

-Holding onto the idea that she'll change her mind. I know this is truly out of my control but I've been tempted with the thoughts again that something I do will change her mind. And I know that's not how this works. She's got to make her choices for herself.
-Fear of financial struggles is holding me from moving on a D (although at this point, I'd have less negative influences but more on that later)
-My old habits of trying to do things the "right" way keeps me from doing much of anything.

It's a little frustrating that I can fall back into these patterns but thankful I can see them and regroup much better than I use to..

So here's the latest stuff:

Apparently W was upset with me earlier this week. She never said anything to me but told a friend this and also said "I can't wait to be on my own". So this friend told her husband who then thought I should know. Dangerous came of 3rd & 4th hand info but it seems consistent with the silent treatment I've been getting this week.

This started Sunday night. W had asked that I look at grades with our S15 on Sunday. I was doing several other things that day (cleaning mainly) and had not done it by the time W got home. I realize this is a trigger for her and I feel bad about it. But I am also tired of living a "ledger" type life where all my mistakes are tallied and my efforts are ignored. My 180 here is knowing what I did. Feeling remorse for it but NOT beating myself up.

It turns out S15 has an F in 2 classes right now. This is a kid who was an honor student a couple years ago. W got very upset with S15 but calmed down and asked what she could do to help. S15 took ownership for his own lack of effort which was good. But he also mentioned how W typically always stays out until 7 or after on week nights rather than coming home after she's done with teaching. (School is out at 3:30)

W also decided to write a check on our joint account to buy herself clothes even though she knew there was not enough money in the account to cover the check. I found out by checking the account myself. This is the 6th time this year she's over drawn that account. This is why I have my own account now and why I keep it that way. So in a not so great moment, I texted her and asked why she would do this when she knew there was no money in the account. Keep in mind she has her own account but chose to use the one that I could access to cover the overdrafts.

She never responded. I let it sit negative until the regular pay went into it this morning. I only put a little into the account for her and it did not quite bring the account to zero. I added a few dollars to bring it to a zero balance and plan on closing the account tomorrow. I will be telling her this tonight. She will have to update some things that pay out of that account.

She is also filling her weekends with multiple activities so that she is barely home. The kids are starting to notice and say things (like what my S said above). It's after 5 now and W still isn't home. And today they a very low-key day planned because of standardized testing next week.

I could go on but it does no good and sadly it just upsets me. Bottom line is that W continues to pursue a separate life from me with only minor interactions that unfortunately have given me some hope of restoration. Again, another cycle repeating for me that I have to stop.

So I need to stop thinking about this stuff and have the conversation about D. I don't plan on explaining too much and I won't be pointing out her actions. I plan to say that its obvious we are not working together and that we have different priorities and goals. This is not a Marriage I can continue in (which I've said before).

So...should be a fun weekend.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
ces67 #2448351 04/26/14 04:31 AM
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update. By 6pm W finally responded to my text asking if she'd be home for dinner. (45 minutes later) and said she was stopping to see a friend real quick.

I tried to call her but she didn't answer. I texted and said to call that I needed to talk to her. After an unnecessary text exchange she finally called. I asked when she was coming home because she has a pattern of "quick stops" turning into being out all night. She then said she was on her way home.

Right before she got home I got a call from my sister who doesn't often call me. So we were talking when W got home. By the time I got off the phone, W was in her pajamas and in bed with our D12 watching a movie. I went up and asked her to come downstairs to talk but she said she didn't feel good and just wanted to go to sleep.

This is feeling all too familiar. Away from the house without an explanation. Avoiding me and making excuses. Simple errands turning into long hours away from the house.

I plan to say at least something to her tomorrow morning before she leaves for work.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
ces67 #2448478 04/26/14 06:36 PM
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Hugs CES, thinking of you.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
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CES,

I am sorry to hear the latest... Ditto what Ad says - we are here to support you and wishing you the best

Stay strong. You will end up more than ok on the other side.


Me & H: 44
D7, D6, S3
Together: 20y, M: 17y
EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10
EA becomes PA: Spring 2011
H filed for D: 09/06/12
D Negotiating began 2/15
OW seemingly gone on 3/15
Still negotiating D






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Hey ces, thinking about you. You will choose the best path for you.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2448662 04/27/14 09:43 PM
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Ces time to stop calling and texting her. Dont you think?. If you plan on D no conversation is needed. Just serve her.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Posts: 1,030
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Rick. We still live together so when we need to talk and she's not at the house. Those are my options. Its not about having R talks when I call and text but basic coordination of kids and schedules.

W continued to avoid all weekend. Worked at the dress store from 9am to after 8pm on Saturday. Today she went to an early meeting and then to help a friend for the afternoon with a wedding shower or something. Then she said she was planning to stay and watch TV because she and this friend had made a habit of watching "Scandal" together. She packed up all her glassware that she's used in the past for showers and I verified she was where she said all day. So no worries there.

Its still a matter of avoiding the hard topics by not being around.

I had a good weekend with my kids though.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
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