The date night wasn't awful. It was at least cordial and considering this is the first time we've been out with just the 2 of us in over a year, that's pretty good. It did nothing to build my trust in her though.
I was suppose to pick her up after work and she ended up going to get her nails done with a friend so that pushed it back for over an hour. I found a wine bar in a fun part of town and we went there, ate appetizers and wine and talked for maybe an hour an a half. Nothing controversial, nothing critical. She talked about her jobs and some of the kids she's teaching. I talked a bit more in detail about what's going on at my work.
On the way home, she asked to stop at a local donut shop for dessert so I did. (10:30 at night and the place was packed...) When we got home, She said she was exhausted and we went our separate ways.
I've been trying to process my feelings ever since. To me it was like forced time was an acquaintance. The talk was simple, shallow and basic. I noticed that she looked pretty but there was no desire for what I saw. Had it been a first date with someone new, I doubt I'd try for a second.
The rest of the weekend was processing the sadness around this for myself and also more anger around how other things are happening. W continues to spend hundreds of $ on herself but is unable to help the family with needs. Her next paycheck this week will be her first full pay. She's said she'll provide what we need to cover the repairs on our roof, so we'll see. But now it's at a point I can fully separate our finances and focus where I need to.
I still want to follow up on our last conversation where I said we need to go our separate ways. Nothing has changed my feelings about that and the dates of her birthday & the anniversary of her mom's death have passed. The only thing holding me back now is my own fear of the unknown. And that's just a fear I need to overcome.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
If you had asked friends and co-workers about me during that time, I doubt that many would have used the word depressed. Funny, sarcastic, angry, unhappy, diligent, hard-working, maybe but depressed wouldn't have been at the top of the list. Depression has many faces and often doesn't look like we think it should look.
Looking back over the years it seems this is how my W's depression played out. Mostly the diligent & hard-working part to those around us but I saw more of the unhappy at home. Having been a history major in college, I tend to follow the quote "Those or refuse to study the past are doomed to repeat it," mindset.
For my W, she has thrown herself at many things, our marriage, the kids, her jobs, church, partying, fitness, an affair.... All different things, some seen as "good" and others as "bad". But basically the pattern is the same. She throws herself fully into something. Now, it appears this was a way for her to cope and avoid the depression she was feeling all her life. Some areas of focus worked better than others and were more socially acceptable, but the purpose for W seems to be the same whether she knew it or not.
So using the past to understand the present: W now has 3 jobs that she gives her time to. She has more new friends that she hangs out with (this seems to be her 3rd or 4th round of new friends since our move to 4 years ago). She's trying to use the same coping mechanisms to mask her depression rather than deal with it.
So again, history shows me not much has changed. I hate this for W, for my kids and for me. But to take part in the repeating pattern has only reinforced it. That's not helping any of us. (so I'm psyching myself up for what I need to do....)
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
I've often seem similarities in your W and I. It took a bif wake-up call for me and lots of work.
Who knows what her future will hold. If anyone had told me 3 years ago that I would be where I am or H would be where here is (and I don't mean just physically) I would not have believed it.
The most powerful thing I have learned, and it is reinforced for me often, is the more I change, the more those around me change.
It is truly "an inside job" and we each have our own work to do.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
People who truly suffer from depression do not function. Period. The term is thrown around in here way to often. Being Depressed is very different from being sad. If you are trully depressed you probably could not manage a household, a job etc. People who suffer from depression do not have the Energy to have sex or afairs. How is this depression?
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Lol yes u can Bugsy. Its all about consensus. It fascinates me how so many define the WAS behaviors as depression. Some may be depressed but not all of them. It is just not mathematically possible. I think when we say they are depressed it justifies their actions. I really believe they made a well thoughtout plan and were really clear as to their actions. Just my 2 cents
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I say that because not everyone who goes through a separation/divorce becomes depressed in the clinical sense. There maybe a sense of loss, and disbelief but not true depression. Out of 100 marriages 50 end in divorce. Are all 50 of them suffering from depression? I will think that a percentage is but not 100%. That's my thinking. I think spending time doing a lit review on my end may help.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Isn't arguing about the clinical definition of depression a cheeseless tunnel? If someone is really, really sad on a daily basis and acts in destructive ways to attempt to self-medicate, does it matter that they don't meet the textbook definition of "clinical depression"? Why make the distinction?
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Because it might be something else, defining it as depression all of the time is also a cheeseless tunnel. Don't you think?. The way I perceive is that it justifies a behavior, and creates an expectation for the LBS. That the depression will go away and things will go back to how they were.
Interesting discussion. Hope Ces doesn't mind.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
