It is the same friend. The one who provided the heads upon the PA. I don't seek her out for info. We talk fairly regular because our girls are in dance together and we go to church together. I'm good friends with her husband.
Usually we talk about regular stuff but once in a while she volunteers info. I never ask for it. I also take all she says with a grain of salt. In my opinion, she has some unique personal filters. First, she's been in my spot and realized the pain of it. Second, she cares about my W and really wants to see hope. I do believe she is trying to be helpful but I keep my focus on what is actually happening. What she says is only a perspective and not necessarily truth. That's pretty easy for me to remember.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
I need to remind myself that I am in a self-determined holding pattern. I am getting impatient and want to move forward. So why the wait? (his is mainly to remind myself) I need to save up a bit to start the legal process I want W to get a job (would be fall for a FT teaching job) I want to be considerate of critical dates. Her bday was in Feb and the anniversary of her mom's death is tomorrow.
I've done some "verifying" lately. She has been staying at school late a good bit since starting her sub job. So this week I drove past to make sure the car was there. It was and I was able to see into a window that she was working at her desk.
This morning she said she was meeting a friend for breakfast and then they had a conference call at the clothing store with the regional manger. After she left I got up and ran an errand (out of coffee!!!!). I drove past the store and her car wasn't there. I waited and drove past again. Still not there. The manager's car was there but didn't see our.
Then I ask myself why I bother with this anyway. The truth appears to be that I have slipped back into some expectations that W may decide to work on our M. So I'm catching myself now on that. While she has shown some improvement in being "nice", there is still no action to heal.
The time is getting close that I can let W know my intent to file for D. I am taking the kids to see my family at the end of this week. w is staying here to get more hours at the store, at least that's what she said. I'm fine with her not going with us but do have an uneasiness about what she will do while I am gone. But again, that's her, not me.
After I get back, she will start getting her checks from her new temporary teaching job. The sensitive dates will have past and I will tell her I want a D.
I am meeting with my IC on Tuesday and will talk through this and focus on when and what to tell the kids. I don't expect the talk with W to be a discussion. It will be me telling her what I am doing. That's very different for me because I have typically tried to make it a conversation (debate) about why we should work on our M. Stop what doesn't work, right?
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
So you are going to be a WAH? Or do you see it differently? Just curious. It takes courage to do what you are contemplating and you are being constructive.
I'm sure some people will see me as a WAH. Maybe I am.
What I see and why I am taking this path is that my W has stated over 3 years ago that she does not love me and doesn't feel she ever has. She has offered no different view. The only regret she has shared about her PA is that the OM chose his own W instead of my W. Her behavior continues to foster secrecy and misleading information. She has stated she does not want a D but is unwilling to put effort into healing our M.
I have no need to state my case or display her choices so there is a strong chance people will see me as a WAH, not knowing the full story. For me, I am leaving something behind that died a long time ago. To continue in this M, I feel is unhealthy for my kids, me and even my W.
Does, this answer your question?
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Just spent 4 days visiting with my parents. Just me & the kids. I didn't miss my W at all. I actually thought how nice it would be to introduce someone new to my family and what a fresh start would feel like.
Good visit but rough. Mom is in her 2nd year with a "manageable" cancer. Pop even mentioned that he knows the average life expectancy is only 5 to 7 years after diagnosis and that's weighing on him. He's spending so much time taking care of mom that he's neglecting his own health. Hard to see them struggle.
Then this morning, my W tells me the kids both have stuff going on this Saturday and asked if I wanted to try and go on a "date". I said OK and immediately regretted it.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
It could be. It just feels like a familiar pattern. She draws a little close to keep me around but it ends up either being a cover for some lie or an attempt at the bare minimum to keep up appearances without actually doing the work to heal from an affair.
I'll go. I'll put on a good face and make an effort to have a fun evening. I just don't believe we are actually working for the same thing. She's said, even recently, that our marriage is no longer about us, its about the kids. She wants the appearance of a marriage but lives like she is a single woman. That's not a marriage I'm willing to be part of.
I need to see words and actions be consistent to healing our marriage and after almost 4 years, it just hasn't happened. And I've told myself "maybe this time will be different" just a little too often to believe it.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
